BS with long time update - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #121 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

@StillSearching

What is it that you're still searching for?


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #122 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

SS-

is she still cheating now?

has she ever shown remorse? Would she care if you had an A?

has she ever written a timeline of all her Affairs?

Hope she never gave you an std, just cut your heart out, threw it in the fire, and ate it.

Sorry.
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post #123 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Repentance isn't just saying "I'm sorry" and no one would ever say "she/he SEEMS repentant". If she was repentant you'd have known it and I've helped 100's of betrayed husbands figure this out within a few months up to about a year of Dday. Unfortunately, repentance takes time, but it is unmistakable. A repentant person changes completely. They are transformed by the experience.

I'm truly sorry you never got to experience that. I say that with all sincerity. I wish you had obtained proper guidance and instruction and figured this out 14-15 years ago. It is/was knowable and it's the absolute prerequisite to proper reconciliation. Lots of people stay in manageable marriages suffering quietly or bitterly with anger and resentment. This isn't ONLY a infidelity problem. It sounds like you did the best you could for you and your kids and sometimes, in such situations, I think staying for the kids, if there can be peace in the household IS actually best for the kids versus the situation in some states and countries with a man losing primary custody of his kids to a unrepentant serial cheater. But that was your choice and your son may have ended up in rehab either way.
"You would have known" come on I'm not a Wizard. I don't believe in Wizards.
It's not all about the WW either. It's what was given, was all that was brought in. That my friend is the hardest part.
All the repentance in the world can't change that.
I say any marriage that goes trough R at best is a manageable marriage.

BTW i was at a Co dependency meeting with him.
here I am still searching years later, going to meetings and forums.
WONDERFUL.
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post #124 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

For some men, infidelity kills the relationship. Not always like it's shot dead on d-day, it's often more like they were stricken by a disease that, ultimately, their heart will succumb to. For these men, nothing their WW does means a thing. Heavy lifting, true remorse, transparency - none of it matters because their cheating flipped a bit for H and nothing can change that fact.

For those men who have been able to truly reconcile with their WW I say great - congratulations. I would ask these men to accept that there are other men who simply can never accept her cheating. Is that really so difficult to understand? Why do we argue about this? As contributors to this forum we provide feedback and advice based on our experiences. This never-ending debate on reconciliation as a concept helps no one.
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post #125 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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SS-

is she still cheating now? No. But one can never really know. Your Quality Wizards might know.

has she ever shown remorse? YES Would she care if you had an A? care?? probably. She tells me I should. It's weird, but not to out of line for some WW.

has she ever written a timeline of all her Affairs? Not that I know of. I'd like to see it. Maybe it would help me.

Hope she never gave you an std, just cut your heart out, threw it in the fire, and ate it.

Sorry.
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post #126 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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@StillSearching

What is it that you're still searching for?
Good one.
Happiness I guess.
Time machine.
The TRUTH!
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post #127 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Good one.
Happiness I guess.
Time machine.
The TRUTH!
One you'll never get.

The other two you'll never get from or with your wife.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #128 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
"You would have known" come on I'm not a Wizard. I don't believe in Wizards.
It's not all about the WW either. It's what was given, was all that was brought in. That my friend is the hardest part.
All the repentance in the world can't change that.
I say any marriage that goes trough R at best is a manageable marriage.

BTW i was at a Co dependency meeting with him.
here I am still searching years later, going to meetings and forums.
WONDERFUL.
You don't have to be a wizard to recognize when someone has received and experienced the gift of repentance and even when they do, you're still not required to reconcile with them. But it is "wizardly" to extrapolate your individual life experience with your unrepentant wife unto the every wayward spouse in the world deeming them all entirely unworthy and unredeemable.

I'll concede that getting into that top 20% of successful marriages is made even more difficult and unlikely due to infidelity but I've experienced it and seen it happen elsewhere ~ often. Often it's similar to people experiencing life completely different after having had a near death experience, sometimes reconciliations thrive in spite of the adultery in a "what satan weaves, God reweaves" type manner.


One thing I know never works: conflict avoidance ~ this is what 15 years of conflict avoidance looks like. I'm guessing your wife has pretty much no idea you're this miserable and resentful of her. If she were repentant she'd know, but the wayward mindset never left her and she dances through life denying, avoiding {and probably drowning in alcohol/drugs} any and all negative thoughts and feelings. I don't blame you and it's not your fault. I just understand and offer you my genuine sympathy. Had my wife not repented, I hope I wouldn't have taken your path of least resistance and conflict avoidance. Fortunate was I but I don't hold my gratitude over your struggles. We do the best we can and you HOPED for more. Hope didn't let you down, your wife did.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen

Last edited by Quality; 03-24-2017 at 02:09 PM.
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post #129 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Stillsearching, just curious - what AT THE TIME was your thought process that made you decide to stay married and do R? I think that may help a bunch of folks in similar situations.
For instance, without her fully telling you the truth, how did you justify getting past that? Once you discovered the second or third time, again, how did you justify? If it was just for the kids, weren't you worried about showing them how relationships should be using this as an example? They would only know this type of bad relationship and weren't you worried that it would damage THEIR future relationships (not trying to "ding" you at all -- I'm just curious that now that you look back, what was your mindset/thought processes back then...)

If your kids are all in college now, did you ever tell them of their mothers' infidelity?
Has she continued to stray during the marriage (even now)? Now that your children are grown, what is you r CURRENT thoughts around why you stay?
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post #130 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

I don't know how you have done this throughout the years. Fifteen years is a long time to live a lie. If I were you, I would want a modicum of happiness for my later years. The kids are out, and she has lived with no consequences to her actions before and after d-day. I would also want her to have some of the pain and anguish she has put you through for the last 15 years. To that end, I would have the business evaluated, and either she buys you out, you buy her out or you sell outright. Just after the sale, I would hand her divorce papers. Even in your 60's there are a lot of women around who will not betray you. Who will not make excuses to go out and give it up to other men. I believe that your wife has played you for the last 15. Sure she may not be sleeping with other men now, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Since you were blindsided by her affairs, and then when she promised not to, she went ahead, and betrayed you again. Does that not tell you what you are worth to her? Right now, all you are is half her business. I would blindside her, like she did to you. I would want her in the gutter wondering what the hell just happened. I would then tell her that it's payback time. Maybe she can find the OM all over again. Likely she will just be a used up old w**re.

Frankly, I can be an angry individual. My anger would have her walking around your hometown with a scarlet A tattooed to her forehead. All alone with nobody. That would be justice.


Last edited by Taxman; 03-24-2017 at 02:10 PM.
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post #131 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by jlg07 View Post
Stillsearching, just curious - what AT THE TIME was your thought process that made you decide to stay married and do R? I think that may help a bunch of folks in similar situations. Well it was to R and have a stronger marriage like i was told would happen
For instance, without her fully telling you the truth, how did you justify getting past that? I will never believe a WW comes completely clean. You shouldn't either. Once you discovered the second or third time, again, how did you justify? It was much later in the marriage, and business was taking off. maybe apathy If it was just for the kids, weren't you worried about showing them how relationships should be using this as an example? It was also to show then that things can be repaired They would only know this type of bad relationship and weren't you worried that it would damage THEIR future relationships (not trying to "ding" you at all -- I'm just curious that now that you look back, what was your mindset/thought processes back then...) No I was not. I know the stats on single mothers raising kids and I didn't want to expose them to other sexual partners that might come by. That would be worse

If your kids are all in college now, did you ever tell them of their mothers' infidelity? She had tell them. I was a mess and they wanted to know why.
Has she continued to stray during the marriage (even now)? yes a couple more times. Now? only wizards could know. Now that your children are grown, what is you r CURRENT thoughts around why you stay? We have a good relationship. I'm not willing to kill the business over it.
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post #132 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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I don't know how you have done this throughout the years. Fifteen years is a long time to live a lie. If I were you, I would want a modicum of happiness for my later years. The kids are out, and she has lived with no consequences to her actions before and after d-day. I would also want her to have some of the pain and anguish she has put you through for the last 15 years. To that end, I would have the business evaluated, and either she buys you out, you buy her out or you sell outright. Just after the sale, I would hand her divorce papers. Even in your 60's there are a lot of women around who will not betray you. Who will not make excuses to go out and give it up to other men. I believe that your wife has played you for the last 15. Sure she may not be sleeping with other men now, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Since you were blindsided by her affairs, and then when she promised not to, she went ahead, and betrayed you again. Does that not tell you what you are worth to her? Right now, all you are is half her business. I would blindside her, like she did to you. I would want her in the gutter wondering what the hell just happened. I would then tell her that it's payback time. Maybe she can find the OM all over again. Likely she will just be a used up old w**re.

Frankly, I can be an angry individual. My anger would have her walking around your hometown with a scarlet A tattooed to her forehead. All alone with nobody. That would be justice.
You said a mouthful there! wow
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post #133 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Do you think if somehow you could be convinced she told you everything 14 yrs ago or even now would that have changed anything? Your sex life has never wavered? On sex alone you would say things are fine to great?
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post #134 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 04:39 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

It is a lot to take in, but you would not be here if something was not burning in your heart and soul. I do taxes for one couple very much like you and your wife. He cracked this year. It was long and slow and it put him on a psych ward. She never owned up to what she did to him. But it galled him.

When it all came out in group therapy, he had 10 people tell him that her attitude was the same as if she had been abusing him all of these years. It was quite the scene when she visited him. Most every member of the group had something to say to her, none of it good. The divorce will be final in a year. He came to me alone this year, his STBX went to a my business partner(she won't find much sympathy there either-my partner is a very no nonsense woman, who will put her in her place PFQ)

Last edited by Taxman; 03-24-2017 at 04:46 PM.
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post #135 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 04:46 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

I am 7 years past D day, still with my hubby, and man, I cannot even fathom why you stayed. I cannot fathom why you're still there. Your definition of a 'good' relationship must be vastly different than mine.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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