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BS with long time update

91K views 296 replies 76 participants last post by  StillSearching 
#1 ·
Hello I was here circa 2002. I Signed up and told my story.
My D-Day is 1/10/02. My wife had an affair with a co-worker. I found out from marks he left on her.
Its been a hard fought 15 years. I had many people here then tell me my story was fake. It drove me away from this site.
I'm still with my wife. I have 3 kids all in college now.

I came back to read through some stories and try help if I could.
If I could choose to do it over again, I would not. I would advise any BS not to reconcile. Even now I do not have a real marriage. Trust...well you never get that back. The pain fades.
I have a good relationship with my wife but I am sure I would be a lot happier had I left in 2002.
I had hopes things would be like they were. I was blinded by love.
So makes your choices wisely. Listen to BSs here. Get a lawyer. Get a D. Get on with your life. Be happy.
 
#153 ·
You would be wise to assess all the different ways you are dependent upon her in the business, household, whatever, and then discretely work on weaning yourself off her. Independence from her is a nice insurance policy in your case. Also, by making her theoretically dispensable you shift the balance of power between you two which might also serve to improve your relationship if you stay together. Either way you will benefit.
 
#155 ·
StillSearching

What is your WWs attitude now towards the OM, does she feel used by them or does she still have a good opinion of them.

My W's continued good opinion of OM-1 has been one factor which keeps me from recovering. I think she believes he is a good guy for dumping her.

When you said you don't have the full story did she at least give you the sexual details or did she leave your mind to wander. My W has indicated she will never tell me those.

You should force the polygraph or divorce. Having your WW maintaining secrets and intimacies you are not privy to with other people is no way to live.

Tamat
 
#159 ·
StillSearching

What is your WWs attitude now towards the OM, does she feel used by them or does she still have a good opinion of them. I'm sure she does feel used. We don't talk about it.

My W's continued good opinion of OM-1 has been one factor which keeps me from recovering. I think she believes he is a good guy for dumping her.

When you said you don't have the full story did she at least give you the sexual details or did she leave your mind to wander. My W has indicated she will never tell me those.
Very few sexual details. Trickled ( I won't say Trickle Truth because I'm not sure it is) details to me over 10 years or so.
You should force the polygraph or divorce. Having your WW maintaining secrets and intimacies you are not privy to with other people is no way to live.
I know..probably why i'm here.
Tamat
 
#161 ·
I did post here somewhere around 2007-08 under a different account which I have since forgot. I was run off because my story was to crazy no one believed it.
But I do appreciate you peoples insight.
I am just looking to help and get advice, or maybe courage to leave.
 
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#164 ·
I am just looking to help and get advice, or maybe courage to leave.
I don't get the sense that you want to leave. Your situation was worse in the past, but now you seemed to have plateaued to a point where your marriage is not intolerable.

Is there anything you would like to see from your wife at this stage?

Is it an acknowledgement of what she did to the marriage?
Would you like her to come clean about everything that has passed?
You say you don't talk about it. Is it that it's just all water under the bridge?
Is she defensive?
Or Dismissive?
 
#162 ·
It still seems you are unhappy. So are you still ultimately questioning your decision to stay? The comment with wife still having positive thoughts toward OM really hits home for me- how can anyone have any positive thought towards someone or something that has all but destroyed the marriage they had and most likely permanently tainted the relationship forever if it does continue?

So if I am correct- you don't hate her, between the sex and your general ability to get along on a day to day basis as well as work together, you don't mind being with her in general. HOWEVER, the lost trust that hasn't been restored and lack of complete R basically is like a cancer to the relationship that you just deal with but don't like? It's a wall you can't get past and now in hindsight you wish you never tried because with that 20/20 hindsight vision you realize you would have been better off?
 
#163 ·
It still seems you are unhappy. So are you still ultimately questioning your decision to stay? The comment with wife still having positive thoughts toward OM really hits home for me- how can anyone have any positive thought towards someone or something that has all but destroyed the marriage they had and most likely permanently tainted the relationship forever if it does continue? I'm not sure how she actually feels about OM. I don't talk about it.

So if I am correct- you don't hate her, between the sex and your general ability to get along on a day to day basis as well as work together, you don't mind being with her in general. HOWEVER, the lost trust that hasn't been restored and lack of complete R basically is like a cancer to the relationship that you just deal with but don't like? It's a wall you can't get past and now in hindsight you wish you never tried because with that 20/20 hindsight vision you realize you would have been better off?
You are dead on brother!
 
#165 ·
Your kids and other family members all know. For me that is still one of my biggest hang ups is nobody knows and it makes it even harder due to the shock value of doing something now. You have that out of the way and doubtful anyone would fault you for leaving now. Don't you think you are still too dependent on something from her? Your still unhappy, everybody knows, you still have opportunity to find someone to be happy with the rest of your life. What keeps you?

I realize the business is a factor, and in my case ours would also shut down with debt, but does that mean you put less value in your happiness than the success of the business? It seems like you still have enough attachment to your wife that it is the real problem. Almost like an addiction, you know "drinking" gets you in trouble and makes you hurt but you just can't quit. I understand your pain and face the same realities after 25yrs of marriage.
 
#168 ·
Your kids and other family members all know. For me that is still one of my biggest hang ups is nobody knows and it makes it even harder due to the shock value of doing something now. You have that out of the way and doubtful anyone would fault you for leaving now. Don't you think you are still too dependent on something from her? Your still unhappy, everybody knows, you still have opportunity to find someone to be happy with the rest of your life. What keeps you?
I've spent time with another recovered couple working in the marriage ministry that sat their children down on a big family vacation celebrating their 25th Wedding Anniversary where they shared their testimony about the affair, repentance and forgiveness with their entire family. The former wayward wife just felt there was no way that her children were not going to be aware of exactly what their father had done for their family in granting her forgiveness. It also enabled them to be like us and much more open in the ministry since there wasn't this big secret that still needed to be kept.

Secrets divide and kill families. They model hiding and swallowing shame versus overcoming shame. They model appearances matter more than reality.

@bremik I'd encourage you to be real with your kids and family and share the story. Your wife can come along for the ride or not but you don't have to keep YOUR LIFE a secret from your loved ones any more.
 
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#166 ·
StillSearching,

I won’t question your reasons for staying. I almost did the same thing. It was a tough decision…toughest of my life. My XWW cheated on me between 2009 and 2011. After D day, I stayed with her for over a year until I came to the realization that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living like that. She was a constant reminder of that 1 ½ years of lying and cheating. I knew I would never forgive, forget or trust her completely again. She wasn’t making it any easier with her apathetic, non-remorseful attitude. She just wasn’t willing to put in the effort I needed to R with any success. I think she was willing to stay as long as I rug-swept the whole thing and did all the work. I took everything into careful consideration, before pulling the plug…our children, my income/lifestyle, investments, alimony, child support…etc. It was a tough decision but I filed and kicked her out.

I have been divorced for over 4 years now. Do I think I made the right decision? Yes, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I have often read about the awesome and liberating lives people have after they divorce their WS’s. That has not been my experience. I work full time and pay a lot of alimony. My son lives with me 100% and my daughter is with me about 70% of the time. Raising 2 teenagers doesn’t leave much time for dating and living it up. At my age, there doesn't seem to be much out there anyway. Sometimes I feel sad. Financially I’m doing OK and when alimony stops next year, I’ll be doing great.

I do admit to occasionally wondering what it would have been like if I would have stayed married to her. I’m sure I would have been miserable to a great extent. In the end, it was a double edged sword. It was going to cut either way. I chose the way that was the best for re-growing my confidence and self-esteem. I hope, in the long run, I've made the right choice.

I do appreciate you checking in here and giving us your honest assessment and opinion of life after your WW’s betrayal.
 
#169 ·
StillSearching said:
Dude to bring up a poly at this time is a huge fight and instadivorce
It is sad and at the same time frustrating to see a grown man so afraid of his wife. What I've learned from the ladies on TAM is that women want to respect their men. There's no way that your wife has much respect for you if you're this afraid of her. There has been no consequences for her betrayal and I think anyone here will tell you that she isn't even close to being genuinely remorseful. She has pretty much forced you to rug-sweep everything and you have obliged.
 
#178 ·
So I have read your old thread. I do not know what possessed you to not take your kids and leave back then. What I hear now is someone who is sick and tired of living his life without love, respect or passion. By all means sir, cut this cancer out of your life. I'm positive you can find a buyer for the business. Make it a package deal with her included. Take your profits, go somewhere and find someone nice. You owe it to yourself.
 
#182 ·
((((hugs))))

Boy can I relate. Sadly I am not in a spot where my input means anything. But thank God my daughter picked the best father for her babies! That in itself was not short of a miracle. Her choice of boyfriends was another scary story.

Needless to say, when he came into her life, I felt he was a God send, which he truly is.

Maybe her parents feel the same way about you. Your reward for such a huge sacrifice will come from your children. You DO have the option to finally be free of that hell at this point in time though. Think very seriously about this. You have every right now!
 
#183 ·
Her mother loved me very much. She died last year. Her Dad ended his life when she was 4. Abuse started 4 years later by stepfather.
My marriage was doomed on that day.
 
#187 ·
Went out and started looking at places to move last week. It's starting to feel liberating.
She's been out of town working and has no idea. My life WILL turn around soon.
 
#192 ·
I just busted my wife at a hotel while I was supposed to be working........
 
#199 ·
No she booked a hotel room down the road from our house. Hilton rewards alerted me. So i called into work and borrowed a friends car.
Followed her all day. She went to the hotel and 11:30. I showed up at 11:50.
She lied about things most all day. Came clean last night. It was a married Dr. she had been having sex with on her travels to N.O.
He was coming up for an interview and that was her chance to have sex with him again.

Yes I did have a feeling. She had been shutting down apps on her phone as I walked up.
She is being very cordial and wants me to wait a year before I file and dissolve the business.
Not going to happen. I have to get on with my life.
I'm going to meet with a lawyer today.
 
#200 ·


Divorce and freedom from this 23 year imprisonment!
 
#206 ·
You only know "the tip of the iceberg". She's been banging the whole marriage. You just found a few needles in the haystack of other men.

I only hope you didn't raise one or more of her other men's children.

After you "stayed for the kids". That would be a real kick in the head.
 
#210 ·
Thanks for the advice, Stillsearching. You sound like an honorable guy and I cut and ran when it happened to me so I agree and it's important for others to hear your perspective as someone who has successfully reconciled but is properly advising us that the grass could be and often is greener if we exercise our right to leave
 
#211 ·
It's hitting me like 2 tons of bricks right now.
I'm having a hard time holding myself together at work.
Having flashback thoughts of things she did 20+ years ago.
This is too much
 
#248 ·
Come one man perspective. 5 posts ago you were ready to leave. You were pretty sure she was doing this still and couldn't wait to get out. Now you decided to get nostalgic? Does the tortured miss his torturer? STOP IT! You are ending your jail sentence and riding off into the sunset. See yourself as John Wayne not Charley Brown. She didn't put one over on you, you did your time for your kids.

Come on man, BUCK UP! You were over this codependent stuff, now when you are at the end is not the time to revert back to it. You did it man, your kids have survived and are healthy, now take strength in that and use that strength to find better.
 
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#215 ·
Not real good.
She decided to confess another bang session 7 years ago.
It was a dagger.
She met with her lawyer today. I'll find out about that when I get home.
My lawyer seems to think I'm gunna be good.......?
 
#216 ·
My condolences StillSearching
Your wife is the epitome of the old saying; The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Sending you strength. You are a good man that had a bad thing happen to you. One hopes that your future will be brighter, without the albatross around your neck.

One PS, if you know the name of the Doctor, it would behoove you to call the people who interviewed him. They would not want an MD on staff that makes it a habit to bang travelling businesspeople. (I am the father of a physician, and medical societies across North America are realizing that there are an awful lot of members who are not exactly casting a favorable light on the profession, and they are actively disciplining those people-my kid and four other residents had to pick up the pieces after an older staff OB decided that the nursing staff was his own private harem)
 
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#217 ·
PS, go out and find the best shark lawyer you can. She is not a very nice person and has very little regard for you. She is totally untrustworthy, guard your assets. Meet with both your lawyer and accountant ASAP. Your CPA may have connections to people who would be interested in buying you out, you may want to go to your competition and ask if they'd be interested, do all of this behind her back. She's concentrating on the affairs, you concentrate on getting the money out of the business so that you can have a life afterward, and as far as anyone is concerned, do not make her life easy. Make sure you get the lion share of equity. Point out that the only reason you started the business is to get her away from affairs at her former place of employment. Equity is everything.
 
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