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BS with long time update

91K views 296 replies 76 participants last post by  StillSearching 
#1 ·
Hello I was here circa 2002. I Signed up and told my story.
My D-Day is 1/10/02. My wife had an affair with a co-worker. I found out from marks he left on her.
Its been a hard fought 15 years. I had many people here then tell me my story was fake. It drove me away from this site.
I'm still with my wife. I have 3 kids all in college now.

I came back to read through some stories and try help if I could.
If I could choose to do it over again, I would not. I would advise any BS not to reconcile. Even now I do not have a real marriage. Trust...well you never get that back. The pain fades.
I have a good relationship with my wife but I am sure I would be a lot happier had I left in 2002.
I had hopes things would be like they were. I was blinded by love.
So makes your choices wisely. Listen to BSs here. Get a lawyer. Get a D. Get on with your life. Be happy.
 
#3 ·
Sorry to hear since 2002 the marriage was never right again for you. What are your plans for the future? Continue on with the marriage after the kids have graduated college?
 
#5 ·
Any BS who thinks it will right again for them is foolish. I was foolish. I thought my marriage was different than all the others.
Yes I will continue still. Our business is doing well and a D now....well I don't see it.
I find happiness in small things that I do for myself.
 
#9 ·
Would you mind sharing the specifics of what you have learned since 2002, of the things you would have done differently?

Some members might benefit from your thoughts on specifics, regarding challenges about finances, children, cohabitation, etc.
 
#11 ·
Was OM married? If so, was the affair exposed to his wife?

How long after D-Day did she continue to work with OM?

Is she still employed at the same place?

Were any of your children conceived around the time of the affair?
 
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#14 · (Edited)
How long after D-Day did she continue to work with OM? For a year. I was not aware of his identity at the time. She kept meeting him.

Is she still employed at the same place? No. I made her quit. We started a business together.

Were any of your children conceived around the time of the affair? No.

OM was single.
 
#18 ·
In your case she never came clean and kept the affair going. So of course it's not going to be fixable she has no remorse and isn't stopping.

Other times they are remorseful and they quit the affair and bend over backwards to make it right for the betrayed spouse that's a different situation entirely than yours is or was.
 
#19 ·
I don't see any realistic way for you to believe that she's not still cheating.

I can't see staying in a marriage like this, but I'll play ball from the perspective that the potential financial fallout caused by divorce would be significant enough to keep me from filing:

I'd kick her out of the bedroom and tell her that she's free to sleep around with whoever she wants and whenever she wants, just so long as it doesn't happen under my roof.

And then I'd never touch her again.
 
#42 ·
I don't see any realistic way for you to believe that she's not still cheating.



I can't see staying in a marriage like this, but I'll play ball from the perspective that the potential financial fallout caused by divorce would be significant enough to keep me from filing:



I'd kick her out of the bedroom and tell her that she's free to sleep around with whoever she wants and whenever she wants, just so long as it doesn't happen under my roof.



And then I'd never touch her again.


Why would he kick her out now? He accepted her cheating.

He already did tell her she is free to shop around when he didn't leave after the second cheating (that he knows of).
 
#23 ·
OP,
Not to in any way belittle your pain and the he!! you've been through but in fairness to others trying to R, yours was not a true R. You stayed for the children, not for yourself. She was not nor has she ever become truly remorseful therefore yours is the quintessential rugsweept R. I applaud your dedication to your children but now that they are gone how will you live with her? If you are bound financially it is a true rock and hard place that you find yourself sandwiched between.
 
#27 ·
I don't remember my username from that time.
I found out when it slipped out of her mouth one night as if she had told me already. See lies are always forgotten by the teller and never by the listener.
I didn't make a stink out of it. I wanted more details. I got them later. but not all of them.
So i found out who it was and how long it lasted in about 2010.
Remember I thought it was long over in Jan. 2002.
 
#25 ·
StillSearching, I'll give you major props for being honest with yourself. It may not have been the choice others would make, and it doesn't appear it would be the choice you would make now in hindsight, but things change, we grow older, we acquire assets, family dynamics change and your reasons for staying now are likely completely different from the reasons you stayed originally, but you are being honest with yourself (and us) about your reasons then, which you may now regret, and your reasons now.

We see so many other BH's that choose R and then live a life of self-deception ... many of them are the most ardent supporters of R on these forums. It is pathetic watching them try to convince others to R, when they're really only trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing.

However, a BH CAN find happiness from within over any number of things, as long as they are honest with themselves, and NOT dependent on their WW's meeting their expectations of what you once thought you had. The hardest part for me was making peace with myself and accepting the consequences of my own poor choices. Now, I'm not excusing my W's behavior by accepting any blame for her choice, but I had ample evidence prior to M to see the red flags waving that I ignored due to being "in love" that could have allowed me to avoid the whole mess altogether ... THAT'S ON ME, and was part of me being honest enough with myself to acknowledge my mistakes and move forward from them.

I am painfully aware that I'm very capable of making major life screw ups ... now I focus on not making the same one's over again.
 
#28 ·
You nailed it better than I could have said it. Props.
Don't not reconcile.
Or you may be here in 15 years from now looking to help someone to release you from your own demons as well.
 
#29 ·
I don't want to stir to much up but there are differences between a BH and BW. I not sure I'd give the same advice to a BW, as my experiences are much different than she would have, but
I'll do my best to answer what I can, be it through my BH filter. :)
 
#31 ·
There are many who will argue there are no differences between WW's and WH's ... therefore, BH's and BW's should be advised in the same manner ... to which I call BS from the mountaintop. I don't read or respond to BW threads ... I simply have no point of reference from which to advise ... so I just stay away from them altogether. With that said, as a BH, my experience shows that there are very few BH/WW scenarios when the best advise ins't to D immediately and move on. There are just very few WW's worth the time, pain and risk of attempting R with them.
 
#32 ·
So sorry to hear. Do you even have a marriage now? How do you know she is not cheating with several today?

Do the kids know? Why not tell them and her family?

Would she sign over the business to you? Why does she stay and keep cheating? time to get a post nup.

Did she ever take a polygraph? Did she get tested for stds? why does she not respect you? How would she feel if you had four or five affairs?


I can't see staying with someone that keeps stabbing you in the back. How do you know she is not stealing from the business?

So sorry, hope you find a way to have her give you the business and then leave. Does she have any idea that she is killing your love for her?
 
#41 ·
So sorry to hear. Do you even have a marriage now? Not really as you think of one
How do you know she is not cheating with several today? I dont. but she doesn't hold the value she had at 27.

Do the kids know? YES
Why not tell them and her family? She did that.

Would she sign over the business to you? NO
Why does she stay and keep cheating? How do I know? I guess she stays because she loves me. I'd say more but I have personal beliefs that might offend others.
time to get a post nup. . I'm 53 she's 44 we get along. I get the sex I want.

Did she ever take a polygraph? NO. Said she would. I never pushed it. Wished I had. Wasn't so easy in 2002.
Did she get tested for stds? YES I made her. She complied.
why does she not respect you? I'm sure I've earned her respect. I don't think affairs are about respect. I'm plenty man enough if thats what you're getting at.
How would she feel if you had four or five affairs? She tells me to go and do it now. LOL


I can't see staying with someone that keeps stabbing you in the back. I said that too.
How do you know she is not stealing from the business? I run it. Anyone can steal from you I guess. How does anyone know for sure?

So sorry, hope you find a way to have her give you the business and then leave. Does she have any idea that she is killing your love for her? She killed it in 2002. It's a different kinda love now. Not really a marriage love like you think that to be.
 
#33 ·
Search i am curious,

Has she demonstrated actual remorsefulness?
did she do any heavy lifting ?
does she love you?
did she tell you why?
Did you expose her to everyone?

i will tell you if you have never told the children they should absolutely know what their mother did, and it would be better if it came from her mouth
 
#37 ·
Has she demonstrated actual remorsefulness? well thats a tough one. Good enough for me to believe she was not going to do it again. but didn't last. Does one really understand another's true intent?

did she do any heavy lifting ? not sure what that means? I think so.

does she love you? She says she does. To me love is a unblemished marriage.

did she tell you why? Yes she said I wasn't giving her the attention she needed. Said it could have been any guy. I don't believe that. Workplace convenience made it more likely.

Did you expose her to everyone? YES! This made me tolerate the pain. Her mother loved me a lot and told me she was sorry. Didn't mean anything to me tho.

i will tell you if you have never told the children they should absolutely know what their mother did, and it would be better if it came from her mouth..... They know what she did. She had to tell them why I was crying so much.
So i guess she had to have some remorse.
 
#43 · (Edited)
So you're the reason the user Quality and others hate me. (that is a joke for people who read on her a lot.) People like you are why I post on here.

Anyway though after reading this and other posts I think after your spouse cheats on you the second time even the most ardent R people (and I am sure there are some on here) would say you only have yourself to blame. The time for blaming your WS is over. Until you fix with is broken in you you will never have the life you want. Lets be honest what it all comes down to is you are afraid. That's the first step.

You are codependent. You are the host to her parasite. The answer to everyone who say, "well I love them" should be who cares! Love doesn't give you the right to let someone abuse you continually. You have a duty and an honor to stick up and protect yourself.

I posted about this book in another one of my post if you look it up it also has an article about your responsibility to your kids. I hope you are correct when you say your kids are healthy because a lot of times BS think they are doing right by staying but it leads to a whole host of problems in the adult kids lives. First of all most kids are perceptive enough to know something is wrong and eventually figure it out. The kids feel responsible and guilty because the one spouse stayed for them. The kids are made to live with a parent who is a narcissist and another parent who is beat down by a narcissist. This is what happened to me with a part of my childhood with my Mom and stepfather. There is no safe place to go to. At least if one parent gets away there is one safe parent that can be a refuge. It was not healthy for your kids to see their father crying in his room.

Staying for the kids is a terrible idea a lot of the time if not most.
 
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#47 ·
So you're the reason the user Quality and others hate me. (that is a joke for people who read on her a lot.) This is why I post on here.

Anyway though after reading this and other posts I think after your spouse cheats on you the second time even the most ardent R people (and I am sure there are some on here) would say you only have yourself to blame. The time for blaming your WS is over. Until you fix with is broken in you you will never have the life you want.

You are codependent. You are the host to her parasite. My answer to everyone who say, well I love them is who cares! Love doesn't give you the right to let someone abuse you continually. You have a duty and an honor to stick up and protect yourself.

I posted about this book in another one of my post if you look it up it also has an article about your responsibility to your kids. I hope you are correct when you say your kids are healthy because a lot of times BS think they are doing right by staying but it leads to a whole host of problems in the adult kids lives. First of all most kids are perceptive enough to know something is wrong and eventually figure it out. The kids feel responsible and guilty because the one spouse stayed for them. The kids are made to live with a parent who is a narcissist and another parent who is beat down by a narcissist. This is what happened to me with a part of my childhood with my Mom and stepfather. There is no safe place to go to. At least if one parent gets away there is one safe parent that can be a refuge.

Staying for the kids is a terrible idea a lot of the time if not most.
I agree with most of what you say. But I say file for D the first time she cheats. If it's a WW. I don't know much about WH.
One reason I stayed was to keep the unknown women or men out of my house.
Yes codependent I was.
I have found that reason and logic don't come into play once a bomb has been dropped in your whole world.
 
#50 ·
After years of reading and studying and looking for answers. I found many causes for cheaters and liars.
I should throw out this disclaimer. Just in case it might change another mans mind.
She was sexually abused as a young girl by her step father for 4 years.
She never got help.
 
#62 ·
StillSearching, I admire you for coming here to advise others not to do what you did. I am of the same mindset. I recently advised someone I know not to R with his cheating wife and he's been trying...she currently has a boyfriend and he is not aware.
 
#65 ·
Do whatever you can. He is not thinking clearly. He has no idea what's ahead of him...
 
#64 ·
Everything you have said are things I have said in one post or another on here. I also stayed and consider it easily the worst mistake of my life.

I always failed to understand is why so many men, myself included, who chose to stay with WW end up regretting that decision and become strong advocates for divorce. Recently I read some research regarding human inertia and I really connected with it. This is a great article and I encourage everyone to read it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/201112/four-forces-life-inertia

The "force" that made the biggest impact on me was this:

if our needs have not been adequately met in childhood, for example, if we grew up in an emotionally chaotic family, then our need for love and security becomes a propulsion system that drives us powerfully, but down the wrong path. We will need to let go of our unhealthy needs and reconnect with our healthy ones, so that we can finally power our life inertia with a propulsion system of our own choosing.

The very notion of "life inertia" just feels right to me. There are more of these inertia forces that are equally powerful but suffice it to say that many people are terrified of change. To me this explains why many men choose to try reconciliation after their initial reaction. The horror of their wife screwing another man is simply less than the terror of making a dramatic change to their life. Over time a man can become more enlightened and realize that this life inertia is something that he CAN change. That the prison he is living in is truly of his own doing. Lots of these guys decide to end the marriage but probably more of them choose - again - to just find a way to live with it. Like it's safer choosing the devil you know. A big part of the reason these guys would still stay is that over the time between d-day and that day he realizes staying was a mistake a whole lot more family & financial entanglements have developed. This gives him tangible support for just continuing to ride it out.

The time to leave is d-day. Don't waste time trying to reconcile. At best reconciliation is a long, painful process for both BH and WW and it often ends in divorce anyway or BH simply pretending he will "get over it". End the marriage and start fresh - it's much better for both of you.
 
#68 ·
Wow that's good stuff. But man even when I think of D-Day now it gives me chills. Not sure I could have done much more than cry. Wish I would have had it together then to go for it.
I understand a mans reluctance to leave.
I have a better understanding of why you should leave now.
 
#70 ·
I think I know who you are, I remember a similar story last year. Well, I'm sorry to read that you regret staying in your marriage (not entirely surprised tho), glad to see you still find joy in life. I'm personally not an advocate for reconciliation but I understand why people feel they should give someone a second chance. You thought you were doing the right thing, I hope you know there's no fault in that. :eek:
 
#75 ·
I don't think I posted last year. But my life has been a maelstrom. I might have. I was an advocate for reconciliation in the beginning years ago. Not now.
 
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#73 ·
One thing that comes back to me every few months happened at the very first MC meeting. He asked us each "What are you most afraid of?"
I said "Losing my marriage and children"
She said "That he wakes up and realizes things and leaves me."
 
#93 ·
One thing that comes back to me every few months happened at the very first MC meeting. He asked us each "What are you most afraid of?"
I said "Losing my marriage and children"
She said "That he wakes up and realizes things and leaves me."
And that's how you get your self-respect back. You can absolutely get it back if you want to. Who is to say she hasn't been cheating while on the road on business trips. Don't make excuses about staying for the kids, and then staying for money (business). You sound very codependent and afraid to give up the good sex. Your wife has less integrity than a $20 crack *****, so your decision to stay and suffer the psychological torture is all on you. Learn from River Rat; get your balls back from inside her purse, staple them back on, and move on with your life. All men must have a measure of self-respect. You, Drifter777, River Rat, and MajDeath all need to get together for a beer sometime.
 
#78 ·
I don't find it surprising the TAM members in 2002 found your story fake considering Chris launched this forum January 24, 2007.

Besides, the whole "I have a good relationship with my wife but I would have been a lot happier had I left in 2002" therefore all you all should "get a lawyer ~ get a D ~ get on with your life ~ be happy" after your supposedly former wayward wife went to counseling with you just a couple of times and then proceeded to keep cheating with the OM and have 3 additional OM's thereafter despite you watching her "like a hawk" just sounds absolutely unbelievable.


Most marriages reconcile and, more often than not, the next person to actually have an affair is the betrayed spouse. If the Wayward spouse cheats again ~~ you divorce. There's also no sense staying with an unrepentant wayward spouse. A betrayed spouse that stays with a serial cheating spouse after 3 or 4 affairs really shouldn't be in the relationship advice business.

I'm sorry for your story if it's true, but I'm happily recovered two decades and my wife and I have many other couples recover too. Divorce probably would have been the correct choice for you, in hindsight, but you should have known that fact 14 years ago, so applying your 15 years of resentment onto everyone's wayward spouse is a little bit over the top.
 
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#82 ·
I challenge you to remember every forum to logged into 15 years ago looking for answers.
I'm not in the relationship business I'm in the software business.
Reconciliation could lead one to where I am.
 
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