Still in disbelief........ - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:27 PM
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Re: Still in disbelief........

Sorry for your problems but as a former Army man, it is not uncommon at all for soldiers to cheat when they are away from their wives and girlfriends. We get lonely, need a woman to hold and also need to have sex. I did not do that even though I was away for a year. My ex fiancee cheated and to tell the truth, I cannot blame her. To go from a regular sex life to a year of no sex with a man is a little too much to ask. Even 6 months is too much.

Do not focus on what he did 5 years ago. Focus on what he does when he is with you. I ran into a lot of married soldiers that had a don't ask, don't tell policy with their spouses and girlfriends. Really, what is the harm if he is not taking time away from you? I know that women view it differently. Women associate sex with emotional feelings while guys just see it as a substitute for using their hand.

See my signature line below. This is what I mean about drowning in a morality that produces a 50% fail rate for monogamous marriages. No one would buy a car that might fail half of the time and yet we enter into lifetime contracts called marriage. My wife and I did not have a monogamous marriage. Hard to do that when she has a girlfriend. Despite that we never went looking for sex but if we had an occasional fling that did not risk or affect our marriage, it was not a deal breaker as long as it was the exception and not the rule.

Think about your situation. Happy, love your husband. What has changed? You have. His affair 5 years ago is long over and it did not even make a ripple in your marriage. Your life is still the same except you are letting ancient history consume you. Many couples, military and civilian who are apart for long periods of time have rules about sex with others when apart.

It is only a big deal now because you are making it a big deal and letting it consume you. It happened 5 years ago and he is home with you and treating you good. So what is the real problem? Is it that he did not tell you? It is better that he did not because if you do not know about it, it never happened in your world. Is it that he was emotional with another woman. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so anyone, male or female can share with me. Out of all the people in the world, you are the sole person who being consumed with this. Your husband is a good man. He chose you, not someone else. I also am being treated for depression. I feel a lot better when I am medicated. Without medication I am just like you. I will dwell on all the negative stuff in my life, even if it really is not important stuff. I could not let anything go until it was resolved. To be honest, the old me would be doing what you are but now I can let things go, especially if they happened in the past and do not affect my marriage.

I have had a non monogamous marriage for about 35 years of our 44 years of marriage. Mostly because my wife is bi and had a lifelong steady girlfriend. One of my friends asked me if I worried that my wife was cheating for the 3 months I was overseas on business every year. I told him that maybe she is having sex with guys every day, but as long as it does not cause any ripples in our marriage of take away from her time with me, I really do not care. She is all mine when I am home and that is all that matters to me. That does not mean that I would not be jealous but I can control that and not let it spin out of control. Try to do the same. It is done and cannot be undone. You either learn to live with it or let it destroy your marriage. The choice is yours and only yours out of all the people in the world. Good luck.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-25-2017 at 12:22 AM.
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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Still in disbelief........

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
It is only a big deal now because you are making it a big deal and letting it consume you. It happened 5 years ago and he is home with you and treating you good. So what is the real problem? Is it that he did not tell you? It is better that he did not because if you do not know about it, it never happened in your world. Is it that he was emotional with another woman. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so anyone, male or female can share with me. Out of all the people in the world, you are the sole person who being consumed with this.
Yes I am angry that I had to find out through Facebook. If it was just a one time fling I'd still be angry but I'd be able to get past it somewhat faster, It's a big deal to me because he contacted her 5 years later - inquiring about her family, complementing her, and his last inbox was reminiscing about showers with her!!! That was a few weeks before our anniversary! Seriously pours salt into wounds. If she meant nothing to him why contact her years later? And she cut off communication with him, not the other way around 😡
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: Still in disbelief........

If he contacted her after five years, for no reason he can explain, and mentioned taking showers together, he was fishing. Thankfully, she blocked him. Otherwise, that could have easily become a sexting relationship.
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Still in disbelief........

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Originally Posted by DepressedDiva View Post
Yes I am angry that I had to find out through Facebook. If it was just a one time fling I'd still be angry but I'd be able to get past it somewhat faster, It's a big deal to me because he contacted her 5 years later - inquiring about her family, complementing her, and his last inbox was reminiscing about showers with her!!! That was a few weeks before our anniversary! Seriously pours salt into wounds. If she meant nothing to him why contact her years later? And she cut off communication with him, not the other way around 😡
What are your plans now?
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Still in disbelief........

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
It is only a big deal now because you are making it a big deal and letting it consume you. It happened 5 years ago and he is home with you and treating you good. So what is the real problem?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I have had a non monogamous marriage for about 35 years of our 44 years of marriage.
For most people it is a big deal when their spouse cheats on them. The fact that you are OK with having had "a non monogamous marriage for about 35 years" is not a norm that most people would be OK with, and you should not pretend that it is when giving advice. If a non monogamous marriage works for you great, it is none of my business, but I for one want to validate to the OP that she has every right to be very upset, because monogamy was the deal that she and her husband made when they got married.
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