Found Out Husband Had an Affair - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 267Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #136 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 149
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
No, there's only so much time I can spend wallowing in this. Some of my most self defeating thoughts happen when he's at work and I'm at home with just the kids. Instead of giving into it, I'm putting the energy into something constructive. I'm creating a discussion that we can have that doesn't center on kids.

I want him to get better. I want him to get better. Finding ways to occupy myself, picking long lost hobbies during times I'd be spiraling seems a good idea. These aren't old hobbies from two weeks ago. They're hobbies pre-kids, things that made me interesting and happy when we were dating. Things we bonded over but stopped making time for because I was focused on kids, house, job, money, marriage, and all the other adult things.

If it's a question of understanding what it all means and feeling hurt, angry, and 1,000 other feelings, just me, I've got them. It's just I don't have the energy or strength right now to give into those feelings all the time. I want to do something besides feel miserable, wonder about my friends, and feel like I'm always being watched and judged.


Why are you trying to "fix" yourself for him? You are trying to bring back all the "pre-kid" things back (all in a week's time) so you can bond. You really are in denial about the stuff that is truly happening. You may not see it but everyone else does. You are giving 150% while he just follows along most likely to get you off of his back. I can guarantee you that nobody changes overnight.

Read your sentence "things that made ME interesting." Once again, he is responsible for the affair. STOP trying to fix yourself for him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

hifromme67 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #137 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:28 PM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,874
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I know this is against TAM mantra that the BS shouldn't take the blame, but....

Maybe you can start by talking about what YOU wish you hadn't done. Show the way. Apologize for ending up pregnant when he didn't know that was a possibility. Own that failure to really listen to him and understand where he was coming from. Frankly I think that is the core of his resentment.

Take that bullet. Make no excuses.

Then ask him how he feels about it. And listen.

Give him a chance to be heard.

Only after he has been heard and you have listened without defending yourself or your actions, and have accepted his anger... ask him to talk to you about what has happened to him and how he feels about that.

This is nonstandard advice but you are approaching this "backward" from many people's perspective anyway. Why not be vulnerable to him first and see if he responds?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I think this can be done but it has to explicitly be the Part B that I mentioned earlier, where the couple works on building a new better relationship. Talking about past mistakes is part of that. But it must be very clear that this is not extending any blame to OP for the affair. Yes, she is to blame for her part of the marital dysfunctions, but not for the decision to cheat. That is the danger here of her bringing up the unexpected pregnancy.

My wife did something similar, getting pregnant without my assent. Yes, it severely damages trust and love. It is a big issue which needs to be dealt with. I don't know that I would bring it up nearly this soon in MC though. The WS needs to get out of the fog and own his affair before the BS starts taking blame for her own mistakes.
Thor is online now  
post #138 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:31 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'm not trying to fix myself for him. I'm fixing myself for me. One of the things I don't like about myself is that I used to be a more well rounded person. I had diverse interests and abilities and hobbies. Somewhere along the way between young kids, finances, time, babysitters, and being an adult I lost those things. I decided that I can keep going like I was or I can make some changes. I know sitting around at home every day except for work and practical shopping is something that doesn't make me happy. I also know that it's a stumbling block in my self-narrative. So I'm fixing it. It makes me happy to look at my planner for the week and seeing something that isn't work, kids, house, kids, staying home, kids.

Doing that is one of the things that made me interesting and I was proud of that. I was proud of how I used to sit at a table of strangers and be able to talk to them about how I spend my time and my interests. I liked that I had enough of them that it seemed no matter who I met or what friends I met, I had something to talk to them about. The fact that it gives me something besides kids to talk about and do with my husband is a bonus.

I honestly didn't think of him at all signing up for things. I thought about what I liked, thought about the times of the day that are hardest for me and how I can help myself, and I signed up for what fit our finances.
Fairchild is offline  
 
post #139 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:36 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

He brought it up as something he thinks of as a turning point in the marriage. We discussed it together briefly but the topic as a whole is something that came up in my solo sessions. Right now we're getting the eagle eye view of what's going on with the counselor so we know where to start. I have a basic plan, he has a basic plan. That's all.

One of the terms of our sessions is we don't talk about it deal with this without the counselor to mediate it.
Fairchild is offline  
post #140 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:45 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

One person says I'm in denial and molding myself to please him.

The next person sees that and says the opposite, I'm selfish.

There's no pleasing everybody, which is why I'm worried about a small group of core people and their needs.
Fairchild is offline  
post #141 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:25 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,010
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
One person says I'm in denial and molding myself to please him.

The next person sees that and says the opposite, I'm selfish.

There's no pleasing everybody, which is why I'm worried about a small group of core people and their needs.
I'm not sure where that 'you sound selfish' comes from. Nonsense. That is not helpful input at all.

Again, please take the input you feel is helpful and try to over look the rest. I know it's hard.
EleGirl is online now  
post #142 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:26 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,010
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

@Fairchild

If you feel that there is a poster whose input is not helpful or even hurtful, you can ask them to not post on your thread.
EleGirl is online now  
post #143 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:33 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,010
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
No, there's only so much time I can spend wallowing in this. Some of my most self defeating thoughts happen when he's at work and I'm at home with just the kids. Instead of giving into it, I'm putting the energy into something constructive. I'm creating a discussion that we can have that doesn't center on kids.

I want him to get better. I want him to get better. Finding ways to occupy myself, picking long lost hobbies during times I'd be spiraling seems a good idea. These aren't old hobbies from two weeks ago. They're hobbies pre-kids, things that made me interesting and happy when we were dating. Things we bonded over but stopped making time for because I was focused on kids, house, job, money, marriage, and all the other adult things.

If it's a question of understanding what it all means and feeling hurt, angry, and 1,000 other feelings, just me, I've got them. It's just I don't have the energy or strength right now to give into those feelings all the time. I want to do something besides feel miserable, wonder about my friends, and feel like I'm always being watched and judged.
Like you said, you are only one week out. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. You are still taking baby steps.

Im sure that half the time you feel like you are losing your mind.

You are actually doing great for the place you are at.
EleGirl is online now  
post #144 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:21 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,519
Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
@Fairchild



If you feel that there is a poster whose input is not helpful or even hurtful, you can ask them to not post on your thread.


True but that won't necessarily result in that person not posting. I believe I told her that a particular post she made seemed selfish.

It was based on her own posts where she explicitly called out all the times she didn't consider either the marriage or her H in her decisions ( I think but I'm getting old and it may not have been me or may not have been that issue)

I think it's important to get feedback from different perspectives. I have not been through infidelity and I have a stable, very LT relationship with someone who considers me in all decisions and vice versa. So I have no triggers and no ax to grind.

Selfish behavior, in particular, is often overlooked by the actor. It's common among moms - who interpret their behavior only (or primarily) though the view as a mother. What looks self sacrificing can also be very selfish from the view of the H. Most H don't want to feel that way so they ignore, suppress, etc but still build resentment. In fact, "motherhood" behavior can be very selfish to the H and marriage because most moms I know WANT to fully commit to motherhood and CONSCIOUSLY put other needs out of their mind. When days are filled 24/7 with work,housework, childrearing because the mom CHOOSES to meet her own needs and her perception of her childrens' needs this way as a mother, they can be shocked to later learn of the damage this has caused to their relationship.

So I don't expect OP to hear this but it doesn't mean it shouldn't be said.

BTW I am an equal opportunity poster - I post when I see positive behavior as well as questionable behavior. I would prefer to be wrong most of the time if it provides a TAM poster in distress help or insight sone of the time.

Also... I don't NOT support her approach here even though it's unconventional. (I can't say I support it because I honestly don't know if it will work and haven't been through this before)



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #145 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,791
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
You need to separate the issues- many women want more children while their husbands are reluctant and a second child is not excessive or unusual, IMO. Yes, you both should have had better communication about birth control but that's his responsibility as well.

Cheating on you is an entirely separate issue. I know MANY women in real life who pushed for that 3rd child and their husbands did not use it as an excuse to run out and have an affair.

Stop feeling guilty for your husband's lack of appropriate boundaries around women.
Agreed. If he is using this as a excuse as to why he cheated that is wrong.

Diana7 is offline  
post #146 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:10 AM
Member
 
Ursula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 273
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I commend you for sticking to your guns with wanting to make this work, but is your gut telling you anything? How do you feel to know that your husband no longer loves you and has slept with another woman? Are you fairly competitive by chance? Are you certain you can win him back?

I guess that if you want advice on how to keep trying, I would get myself into therapy, and start seeing a couple's counselor with my husband. This is going to take a lot of work, and if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath on it working. I'm one of those women who've fallen out of love with my husband, and I not only don't know if it can be gotten back, nor if I want to keep trying. It's an awful feeling, and it feels like if I keep trying, eventually I'll just end up settling. Do you really want your husband to say to you, "okay fine I'll stay; you'll do". Some people are OK with that; I think my husband is one of them, and I think you might be too.

One other thing I'd do if I were you is start separating out some finances for yourself form your joint accounts before he separates ALL of it out for himself. I would also talk to a lawyer just in case. It's better to cover your butt and have things work out, then to not cover your butt, and be left empty-handed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
Again, I've chosen to try and reconcile. I'd like some advice on that, not to be told I shouldn't want to and have no pride if I want him to stay.
Ursula is online now  
post #147 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:02 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I wasn't consciously putting the kids and the rest before my husband and excluding him and I already said that I realize to the extent I was doing it and that I was trying to fix it. It's one of the reasons I'm taking classes. In the process of being a mom I didn't nurture him or myself like I did.

Slapping back with my candid admission this is a mistake by writing a post calling me selfish isn't helpful, it's just a low blow. It's doubly hurtful to interject that you're not married, you're in a happy trigger-free relationship, but feel it necessary to call me names and insult me.

I didn't do these things consciously, it was gradual changes that happened over time. Do you have kids? If not I suspect understanding how this happens might be hard to do.

I've already identified this is where I dropped the ball and how I'm working to change it. Restating what I already said I'm changing in a negative way and attacking me for it is not what I need right now and it's not helpful.

As for what my gut is telling me, I'm not getting a lot. I'm not a very strong gut thinker. I'm analytical and emotional, but not great on instinct. Or not great enough to base major decisions off of it. I'm a cautious person.

How do I feel? It changes moment by moment. Sometimes I'm heartbroken, angry, jealous. Other times I feel dead inside when I hear it. It changes all the time. Sometimes I'm so upset I can't breathe, other times I look forward to the distractions on my horizons that will make it easier to deal with for an hour or so. I'm really trying to not let this swallow me whole.

Winning him back. I'd like to think I can. Only time will tell. I just want a chance. I'm happy with a chance. I want to fix it but if it doesn't fix at least I want to say I did all I could. I couldn't live with myself if I just walked. No Im not a competitive person. I know what you're asking here and I honestly don't think of her a lot. Is that wrong? I did on that first couple of days, but not now. Maybe that will change as things progress, but right now I'm just me, kids, him.

The lawyer is a good idea but I'll think about it. Not sure how comfortable that makes me. Finances I'm not worried about. He would never take them and if he did, my family is close by and comfortable. They have stated they'd help.
Fairchild is offline  
post #148 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Also that isn't an excuse he uses. He's given me very few excuses. Just what happened and that it was his fault. He hasn't blamed me other than to say he'd fallen out of love with me. That hurts but it's not an excuse. It's how he feels.
Fairchild is offline  
post #149 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:25 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 611
"I didn't do these things consciously, it was gradual changes that happened over time. Do you have kids? If not I suspect understanding how this happens might be hard to do."

I have kids. I empathize with you. I'd be very hurt, insecure, and scared in your position. Your husband is telling you the worst imaginable, IMO.

My advice is coming from a place to try to help you save your marriage based on what I know from the learning I've done. I had a situation with my husband that hurt me and made me feel insecure in our marriage, though it was not an affair. It was a red flag and a crossing of my boundaries though. I learned after talking to a marriage coach that I had to simply set a very clear boundary with the intention of separating if my husband was unable to respect it. As soon as I did this, our marriage greatly improved. I know my situation is minor compared to what you're going through, but I do know that unconditional love is not always possible in marriage. Boundaries are important.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #150 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,519
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:44 PM.
TheTruthHurts is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Evidence of Affair, need advice throwaway9255 Coping with Infidelity 47 03-20-2017 04:27 PM
A strange affair lostinoh Coping with Infidelity 37 09-20-2016 01:17 PM
Lost, done everything she's asked Lostandhurtandconfused The Ladies' Lounge 47 03-14-2016 11:12 AM
Wife had an affair and does not know if she wants to stay married Frusterated84 Coping with Infidelity 138 12-14-2015 10:32 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome