Found Out Husband Had an Affair - Page 12 - Talk About Marriage
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post #166 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:39 PM
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Found Out Husband Had an Affair

.. Carry on then

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post #167 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I'm in this spot now where I feel like I have so much to share and talk about and ask, but when I go to talk about it, I've got nothing. I am struggling though with my need for his openness and my need for privacy and how that conflicts with what I'm asking. I am trying to balance a private space to work through things (here, books), but I don't want him to have the same. I'm worried this is a mixed message and against my promise to the counselor and myself to work on my openness. There's a line there, but I don't know where.

I'm also getting back to some of my old hobbies and interests. It has frustrated me more than I thought I would
Well... you'd better find your voice and ask all of the questions you have, and to express all your feelings. If you dont, this whole thing will get swept under the rug and never resolved. He will never do the heavy lifting required to earn your trust and fix the marriage. Which by the way, is required of the WS, and if he has no remorse over what he's done, and you act like its all ok, your R will be 100% false. And you will find yourself right back in this same situation. He doesnt sound remorseful to me, just regret at getting caught.

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He brought it up as something he thinks of as a turning point in the marriage. We discussed it together briefly but the topic as a whole is something that came up in my solo sessions. Right now we're getting the eagle eye view of what's going on with the counselor so we know where to start. I have a basic plan, he has a basic plan. That's all.

One of the terms of our sessions is we don't talk about it deal with this without the counselor to mediate it.
How in the hell are you supposed to fix it then?? You cant pretend nothing is going on and expect that in a single hour every week or every other week that ALL your issues can possibly be addressed! Not to mention that you have to actually get him there in a session with you to begin with.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #168 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:04 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Yout marriage was not fine two werks ago.


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post #169 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:22 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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True but that won't necessarily result in that person not posting.
In a thread like this one where the OP is asking for input on something personal, the OP can ask that a user not post anymore on their thread. And sure, technically the user has the ability and software permissions to post on the thread. But the moderators will enforce the OPís request by deleting posts and/or giving the user who keeps posting at the objecting the OP a time-out ban or worse.

Now a third party on a thread cannot tell another poster not to post on that thread (unless that 3rd party is a moderator.)
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I believe I told her that a particular post she made seemed selfish.
Not that is not what you posted. Here is your entire post:
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Sorry but you sound selfish
Nowhere does it mention a particular post, or why you might come to this conclusion. There was nothing helpful in the post, only an attack on the OP.
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It was based on her own posts where she explicitly called out all the times she didn't consider either the marriage or her H in her decisions ( I think but I'm getting old and it may not have been me or may not have been that issue

I think it's important to get feedback from different perspectives. I have not been through infidelity and I have a stable, very LT relationship with someone who considers me in all decisions and vice versa. So I have no triggers and no ax to grind.

Selfish behavior, in particular, is often overlooked by the actor. It's common among moms - who interpret their behavior only (or primarily) though the view as a mother. What looks self sacrificing can also be very selfish from the view of the H. Most H don't want to feel that way so they ignore, suppress, etc but still build resentment. In fact, "motherhood" behavior can be very selfish to the H and marriage because most moms I know WANT to fully commit to motherhood and CONSCIOUSLY put other needs out of their mind. When days are filled 24/7 with work,housework, childrearing because the mom CHOOSES to meet her own needs and her perception of her childrens' needs this way as a mother, they can be shocked to later learn of the damage this has caused to their relationship.

So I don't expect OP to hear this but it doesn't mean it shouldn't be said.
The OP is here on TAM only 1 week after what is probably the worst day of her life, the day she found out that her husband was cheating. She is bearing her soul here. Few BSís come on TAM and are that introspective.

Most marriages where there are children go through a period of time when the parents so overly focused on the children, earning a living and the business of raising a family. Itís not only the SAHM (or women) who tend to lose their way. Men (or the breadwinner) often does as well. I have no doubt that the her husbandís behavior could be dissected as well and he would come up short too (this is other than the affair). In most marriages that have problem, both spouses contribute to the problem.

I am sure that you are not perfect and would bet that if you honestly listed your contributions to problems in your marriage, you too would come off looking selfish or some other negative descriptive word.
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BTW I am an equal opportunity poster - I post when I see positive behavior as well as questionable behavior. I would prefer to be wrong most of the time if it provides a TAM poster in distress help or insight sone of the time.

Also... I don't NOT support her approach here even though it's unconventional. (I can't say I support it because I honestly don't know if it will work and haven't been through this before)
Actually, her approach is very conventional. Itís the approach used by many, if not the vast majority, of people who help marriages that experience infidelity recover from infidelity. Itís the method used by Marriage Builders and Divorce BustersÖ. Two groups that are very successful in helping couples recover from infidelity.

It might not be the usual approach on TAM, but TAM is made up of self-selected lay people who have no formal training and no experience in actually helping marriage recover from infidelity.

We on TAM are not here to tell people what they must do. We are here to give support in what they have chosen to do. Itís the OPís right to choose to first try to save her marriage. As she has said, she will give this a chance. If it does not work then she will look at other alternatives.
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post #170 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:18 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'm sorry the collective wisdom here wasn't what you want so badly to hear. Not sure if you're still reading here or not but I'm still going to post this.

The majority of people who replied to you thread have SEEN your story played out thousands of times. Many of us have LIVED your story, as well. You mistakenly think your situation is somehow unique and 'no one understands' but what YOU don't understand is that most members have already walked in your shoes or seen this situation played out so many times that we can tell you exactly how it ends. What you were being given is the collective wisdom of those who made all the mistakes you're making right now and are trying very hard to persuade you to change your course so you DON'T suffer the consequences of a false reconciliation.

Since very few here will delude you and simply tell you what you want to hear, your best bet is probably SI (SurvivingInfidelity). The members on the Reconciliation board will pat you on the back and tell you anything you want to hear because a lot of them swallowed their pride and dignity a LONG, LONG time ago "to save their marriages," and they still live with serial cheaters and/or disrespectful spouses who have continually **** all over them while they smile and accept it.

Good luck to you.

Last edited by She'sStillGotIt; 03-29-2017 at 05:35 AM.
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post #171 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:40 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'd also suggest you also visit SI, if you haven't already. It's just a different environment and community and its very likely the posters there will not browbeat you as much as you feel we have done.

In all honesty, this site is the strong medicine you don't want but many think you need. Maybe SI with its more of a "spoonful of sugar" approach is more in line with what you need at this time.

I'm absolutely not being snarky or sarcastic, I mean what I write. You will find supporters here, as @EleGirl wrote, but you will also find many who feel a bit triggered by your efforts. They hope those efforts are NOT in vain, but their own experiences have told them repeatedly that a common result is imminent. They do not wish that upon you.

I'll bow out of your post and I wish you all the best.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #172 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:19 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

@Fairchild, You are a strong woman,i applaud your efforts

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post #173 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

@EleGirl you've interpreted my posts in a way that is convenient to your perspective but is inaccurate. My post directly followed hers and is self explanatory. I did not call her selfish. You are too emotional to read what I have written without adding your own emotional content. That's ok if you want to but it doesn't represent what I said.

That said I have made my points which I believe offer insight though I suspect it will be overlooked or discarded which is fine with me. So unless something changes I see no need to post further on this thread. I might respond if my posts are misrepresented again but probably not


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post #174 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I'd also suggest you also visit SI, if you haven't already. It's just a different environment and community and its very likely the posters there will not browbeat you as much as you feel we have done.

In all honesty, this site is the strong medicine you don't want but many think you need. Maybe SI with its more of a "spoonful of sugar" approach is more in line with what you need at this time.

I'm absolutely not being snarky or sarcastic, I mean what I write. You will find supporters here, as @EleGirl wrote, but you will also find many who feel a bit triggered by your efforts. They hope those efforts are NOT in vain, but their own experiences have told them repeatedly that a common result is imminent. They do not wish that upon you.

I'll bow out of your post and I wish you all the best.
Actually, I think that the Marriage Builder forum is the place that would help her the most. She's basically doing what MB suggests but needs some guidance in doing it. MB works very well.
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post #175 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Has anyone pointed out that the 180 isn't supposed to fix your marriage, it's supposed to be for YOU, to improve your outlook on life and build strength in YOU. OP, you said in your first post that the 180 wouldn't work ON HIM, so I wanted to point that out.

I hope you're still reading here. I've been accused of running people off of TAM because I truly believe in what I post and sometimes I get a bit enthusiastic about it It upsets me that SO MANY people think they can beg and plead and 'nice' their way into a storybook reconciliation, when it NEVER works. Anyone that does it and then thinks they're happy is delusional. Anyone that says they've been through a lot and that they need to work on the WS's trust issues with them 12 hours after finding out is just too inexperienced to know better. Any WS who isn't offering themselves up as a human sacrifice isn't worth the time and should be booted to the curb on their ass.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #176 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Any WS who isn't offering themselves up as a human sacrifice isn't worth the time and should be booted to the curb on their ass.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #177 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I sympathize with the OP, because in this type of thing, NOBODY wants to hear the truth.
She's totally closed off to any advice that is negative toward her actions or toward her decision to reconcile with a husband that has told her he doesn't love her and is so unremorseful that he's even telling her he wants to leave the marriage.
What she's doing is going to most likely not just fail, but waste a lot of her life and cause her extended pain.

But, it's do fresh that she is just unable to listen. I get it.
It's still a shame to be unable to take advantage of the experience others are sharing.

I probably shouldn't have posted on this thread, especially since her cheating husband is devoid of remorse and devoid of love for his wife. There is zero chance of reconciling with that scenario.
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post #178 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:35 PM
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The frustrating thing is there is zero chance of truly reconciling in this scenario because of how the OP is handling it. She's going by her emotions and in this situation, you can't do that. I agree that Marriage Builders is the best option for her since she badly wants to save her marriage. It has worked for many couples in her situation but dragging her husband uphill will not work long term.
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post #179 of 179 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:35 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

How are things Fairchild?
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