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post #16 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Fighting for the marriage with a cheater is like tying your genitals to a southbound train and running north down the tracks.

It's a losing battle from the start and gets painful very fast.

The cheater gets the ego stroke of having two people wanting them. Why would they stop?

Think about how crazy you are about your husband when you were first dating and he asked for your hand. Nothing could keep you apart. You thought about him from the time you awoke until the time you went to bed. This is how he feels about the AP right now.

I disagree with the tell him what it takes to stay married thing. He wants out. Have him leave with your boo print on his ass. He'll respect you a helluva lot more.

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post #17 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:15 PM
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He's in a fog right now. Exposure brings chesters back to reality very quickly but the key is exposing both your husband and the OW.

You need to act quickly before they spin their story first, managing to blame you.
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post #18 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
I don't think I'm enabling fence-sitting. I told him yesterday he had to cut off communication, she or he had to quit, and I'd tell his boss if he didn't. I'm crystal clear I want him to stay and so far he is in only the most technical sense. If anything he was off the fence and headed to a greener pasture but I convinced him to stay.

I'm just not sure what to do now that he's still here. I don't know how to talk to him about what he's doing or if he's sticking to what I asked. I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling.
Is he staying for the right reason, though? Do you want your husband to stay with you, but his heart/mind is elsewhere?

Making a lot of demands and threats might scare him to stay, but is that the kind of marriage you want? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself.

I'm sorry this is happening in your life.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #19 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I don't care what his reasons are for staying right now. If he leaves I have zero chance of working with him on reconciling. Like the counselor said, if he's out the door and we've settled into the separation routine, it will be harder to get any meaningful face time with him. He will be gone.

If he stays, it means he's there and we can work on things. He doesn't have to like me right now, I expect we will both hate each other at various points. But in 5, 10, 20 years, hopefully we will be able to look back and say he came back for the wrong reasons but stayed for the right ones.

Jessica and Re have good feedback. I'll admit I was thinking that exposing it wouldn't do much, but maybe it will. If he says he had contact with her today then I'll start screaming from the rooftops what's going on.
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post #20 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:39 PM
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"If he leaves I have zero chance of working with him on reconciling. Like the counselor said, if he's out the door and we've settled into the separation routine, it will be harder to get any meaningful face time with him."

No, this isn't true if you follow the steps outlined in Surviving an Affair. Exposure crashes the fantasy world cheaters live in pretty quickly. He'll soon realize that staying with the OW means he'll be dealing with a pile of trouble. Right now it's all fun and ego kibbles.

And if your goal is to keep your husband at any cost to yourself, including "share" him with the OW, then I can't help there.

But if you want to save your marriage, he must come to you hat in hand. It won't happen any other way. He will not see you as a prize to win if you play the pick-me dance and sacrifice any more of your self-respect.

You have to get him out of his fog. You should never have to convince someone to love you, but if you blow up his affair you have a shot at making him realize how destructive he's being. Otherwise, his affair can just continue underground.
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post #21 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Seeing him go hurts like hell. OP is willing to do anything to prevent that.
Doing so will ensure he leaves.

Serve him papers.
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post #22 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:00 PM
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Cool Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Sorry, but it sounds as if he's got you exactly where he wants you!

Methinks that he will now take his cheating activities far, far "underground!"

And even if it's still a remote possibility that you want to reconcile, he has to know that you mean business by your enlisting of a good family attorney and filing for divorce!

By filing, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to follow through however, perchance things start to vastly improve between the two of you!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 03-24-2017 at 07:31 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #23 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
I don't think I'm enabling fence-sitting. I told him yesterday he had to cut off communication, she or he had to quit, and I'd tell his boss if he didn't. I'm crystal clear I want him to stay and so far he is in only the most technical sense. If anything he was off the fence and headed to a greener pasture but I convinced him to stay.

I'm just not sure what to do now that he's still here. I don't know how to talk to him about what he's doing or if he's sticking to what I asked. I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling.
I would just say to him, I want your answer to what I said.
Personally I wouldn't put up with him living with me while seeing her and cheating. I would give him the choice, me or her and if he stays then he doesn't go out and see her and asks for an immediate transfer and tells his boss why. He can then ask for leave until the transfer happens.
I also agree that her poor husband needs to be told. if they have children then maybe, just maybe, she wont leave him(unless he throws her out).

I think you are being very strong. I have no idea how people can do this, especially when they have children.

Its hard to see how he can leave to be with her when she is also married, unless she is also going to leave her family. People are such selfish idiots.

Last edited by Diana7; 03-23-2017 at 06:19 PM.
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post #24 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

It's all about their "happiness"....
They've got to be "true to their feelings". Vomitting.
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post #25 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:04 PM
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Please... idk anyone who won their spouse back by chasing them like you are. You can't make him stop. Your best chance at saving your marriage is to expose and file. Your husband has no respect for you. Have some respect for yourself at least.

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post #26 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

He came home and I asked him if he had any thoughts on what I said yesterday. He said no. He said he still wanted to leave. When I asked if he had seen her today, he said he hadn't. Then I said we needed to solve this and the affair had to end. I asked him if he'd stay to give us a chance, a few weeks, a few months, something. He said no. Our marriage was over for awhile and he couldn't get past our issues. I told him I didn't accept that and that I wasn't ready to share our kids with her and I didn't want our kids to lose their family. He broke down and said I'd it wasn't for the kids he would have left awhile ago, he wasn't happy but he didn't know what to do about the kids.

After some back and forth he said he'd stay for the kids and agreed to what we talked about yesterday and the other stipulations somebody mentioned earlier. I told him that it meant he had to not see her and break off all contact and she'd have to quit or he'd have to transfer. He said that wasn't reasonable but he'd break things off with her. I said if he was serious he'd do it right then and there over the phone in front of me, which he did. I'm working on a letter to send her and her husband. I already told my family and his and I called them both out on Facebook so everybody knows.

He's home, he didn't go out (he wasn't going out to be with her anyway just avoid me and dealing with this), but after his call with her he didn't have much to say to me. He's in the spare room because he said he needs space. He's really upset so that's how I know this is real and final. He'll be sleeping in our bed tonight, the first time in about 6 or 7 months. He gave me his passwords to his iPad, forums, and email so I'm going through to find their texts and messages.

He's really taking this seriously, I can tell by how he's acting. I think if we can just get her out of work or move then we will have a real fighting chance.
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post #27 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:59 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I hope that it's going to be this easy. If he keeps no contact, he's an exception.

I will agree that if there's no contact, there's a chance for your marriage.
I do think once she's out of his head, he will see things differently.

I think the exposure is something you did right.
Youve made it hard for the affair to work now.

That he called her and broke it off and gave you passwords and such is good, too.

However, she's at his job.
And, he has plainly said he Durant want to be in the marriage anymore.

It will be interesting how this progresses.

I do wish you the best of luck.

You do realize there's a chance they discussed this already and planned this outcome?
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post #28 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I hope that it's going to be this easy. If he keeps no contact, he's an exception.

I will agree that if there's no contact, there's a chance for your marriage.
I do think once she's out of his head, he will see things differently.

I think the exposure is something you did right.
Youve made it hard for the affair to work now.

That he called her and broke it off and gave you passwords and such is good, too.

However, she's at his job.
And, he has plainly said he Durant want to be in the marriage anymore.

It will be interesting how this progresses.

I do wish you the best of luck.

You do realize there's a chance they discussed this already and planned this outcome?
Yes to all of the above. He should have sent a No Contact letter that you previewed and agreed to, stating that he wants to work on his marriage with his wife and save his family.

His attitude of "only willing to stay for the kids" and staying in the spare room does not bode well, OP.

He is not coming to you remorseful and desperate to save your marriage. He's still working with the OW.

Is this really what you want? A marriage with a man who does not feel badly for abusing you? Can you really live knowing that he's not staying for you?

I'd pack his bags now and change the locks. He needs to convince YOU this marriage is worth saving.

Again, I'm so very sorry.
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post #29 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:26 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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It's all about their "happiness"....
They've got to be "true to their feelings". Vomitting.
yes totally sickening.
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post #30 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:30 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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He came home and I asked him if he had any thoughts on what I said yesterday. He said no. He said he still wanted to leave. When I asked if he had seen her today, he said he hadn't. Then I said we needed to solve this and the affair had to end. I asked him if he'd stay to give us a chance, a few weeks, a few months, something. He said no. Our marriage was over for awhile and he couldn't get past our issues. I told him I didn't accept that and that I wasn't ready to share our kids with her and I didn't want our kids to lose their family. He broke down and said I'd it wasn't for the kids he would have left awhile ago, he wasn't happy but he didn't know what to do about the kids.

After some back and forth he said he'd stay for the kids and agreed to what we talked about yesterday and the other stipulations somebody mentioned earlier. I told him that it meant he had to not see her and break off all contact and she'd have to quit or he'd have to transfer. He said that wasn't reasonable but he'd break things off with her. I said if he was serious he'd do it right then and there over the phone in front of me, which he did. I'm working on a letter to send her and her husband. I already told my family and his and I called them both out on Facebook so everybody knows.

He's home, he didn't go out (he wasn't going out to be with her anyway just avoid me and dealing with this), but after his call with her he didn't have much to say to me. He's in the spare room because he said he needs space. He's really upset so that's how I know this is real and final. He'll be sleeping in our bed tonight, the first time in about 6 or 7 months. He gave me his passwords to his iPad, forums, and email so I'm going through to find their texts and messages.

He's really taking this seriously, I can tell by how he's acting. I think if we can just get her out of work or move then we will have a real fighting chance.
This wont work unless they dont see each other any more, so one of them must leave their work place. I admire you, you are being strong and fighting for your marriage. Marriage counseling may help a lot.
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