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post #31 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 06:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

He didn't sleep in the spare room or the couch last night. He slept in our bed. We also were intimate last night and this morning which is a really good sign.

I agree that he has to totally break things off with her, and he said he would. On their breakup call he said he was recommitting to me and the kids and there was no way their relationship could continue. I thought about them working this out together beforehand, but with how that call went and how genuinely gutted he was, I don't think they did. I've only seen him cry a few times and I've never seen him fall apart like he did on that call. The ending of it was very real to him.

I know he's staying for the kids right now and that's ok. Staying for the kids gives us a chance to fix things so that eventually he stays for me because he's back in This marriage. The affair fog would have made it impossible for him to pick me as a reason for staying. They only thing that breaks through that is the kids.

We will do counseling, he said he would. I've already seen somebody on my own.

Today I'm sending her a letter and telling her husband and my husband is ag work and knows I'm contacting her, but not outing it to her husband. He says he won't see her and avoiding her should be really, really easy. I can't get him to agree to a transfer though since he'd be taking a pay cut and moving to a more expensive region. He says we just can't afford it. Looking at apartments last night and I did see they cost almost twice what we pay now for ours. I think it doesn't hurt to check. Once his boss knows, it may make it easier to go.

I went through a lot last night and other than what I found before, I'm not finding anything really incriminating. Maybe he deleted stuff but their discussions don't seem disjointed at all and they only talked back and forth on one email chain.

My emotions are all over the place but I feel better after last night. I think there's a real shot here and he seems committed to not contacting her. And everybody knows now so it'll make it harder for them to have moments alone like they did. I'm still on the fence on how much to ask him though. Is it better to know everything, the basics, or to move on?

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post #32 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 06:56 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

You can't force him to choose.

You can help make the OW a less desirable option.

That said, it is apparent you are unwilling to pursue any course of action that risks a marriage that is already dead.

One more thing: get tested for STD's. Affairs are notorious for unprotected sex.

Good luck, OP.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #33 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:15 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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He didn't sleep in the spare room or the couch last night. He slept in our bed. We also were intimate last night and this morning which is a really good sign.

I agree that he has to totally break things off with her, and he said he would. On their breakup call he said he was recommitting to me and the kids and there was no way their relationship could continue. I thought about them working this out together beforehand, but with how that call went and how genuinely gutted he was, I don't think they did. I've only seen him cry a few times and I've never seen him fall apart like he did on that call. The ending of it was very real to him.

I know he's staying for the kids right now and that's ok. Staying for the kids gives us a chance to fix things so that eventually he stays for me because he's back in This marriage. The affair fog would have made it impossible for him to pick me as a reason for staying. They only thing that breaks through that is the kids.

We will do counseling, he said he would. I've already seen somebody on my own.

Today I'm sending her a letter and telling her husband and my husband is ag work and knows I'm contacting her, but not outing it to her husband. He says he won't see her and avoiding her should be really, really easy. I can't get him to agree to a transfer though since he'd be taking a pay cut and moving to a more expensive region. He says we just can't afford it. Looking at apartments last night and I did see they cost almost twice what we pay now for ours. I think it doesn't hurt to check. Once his boss knows, it may make it easier to go.

I went through a lot last night and other than what I found before, I'm not finding anything really incriminating. Maybe he deleted stuff but their discussions don't seem disjointed at all and they only talked back and forth on one email chain.

My emotions are all over the place but I feel better after last night. I think there's a real shot here and he seems committed to not contacting her. And everybody knows now so it'll make it harder for them to have moments alone like they did. I'm still on the fence on how much to ask him though. Is it better to know everything, the basics, or to move on?
When my wife had her affair I asked for no details whatsoever. Having see the heartache and misery of some TAM members who did ask for full disclosure and who got exactly what they thought they wanted, well... I'm glad I did not ask for details.


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post #34 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'm at a point now where things have settled down and I have a chance to think. I have so many questions, but I worry asking will cause him to reminisce about the experience. I want answers, but not if it means he starts thinking about what happened fondly.
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post #35 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:38 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I'm at a point now where things have settled down and I have a chance to think. I have so many questions, but I worry asking will cause him to reminisce about the experience. I want answers, but not if it means he starts thinking about what happened fondly.
Just knowing my wife had her affair was enough for me.

However, we are still together.


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post #36 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Until he can see that all the suffering was caused by his errant desires and poor choices, the other path will always be tempting. Somewhere, some way, he needs to see that his "not happy for a long time" is more about his fall, than the marriage's fall.

Humility is an incredible 2x4... once seen at face value, he will have an incredible amount of remorse to deal with, anybody conscious of the extent of pain they delivered like that will. In order to grow from such, we have to work through it as it stands. You may feel you want to try to soften it for him because you will see his pain in it as well, but it may be best to remember that while you both hurt, there is ownership in his actions and he needs to be able to come to terms "un-sugarcoated" so he can fully understand how detrimental the way he went about his desire was.

I applaud your forgiving heart, please remember that in our own humility that we cannot set aside some pride without reinforcing it with something else, such as boundaries. You have set them well to start, but there may be a time he falters as he juggles his emotions why he stumbled to begin with... if he cannot see your boundaries as clearly as you, and the outcome of crossing them, then his line of unmindful departure may trip, and trip again as he relearns to respect himself.

Respect is so important here... if he cannot have it for himself, he cannot have it for you and I see this as a first hurdle. If you can work together to show it's value, that it is always available with the right mind, that we can all be worthy of it even in times of coming to terms and understanding our incredibly poor choices, then there will be clarity of all he has to commit to fix this.

It can be done... we all fall, it's how we pick ourselves up that makes the difference.

Peace be with you.

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post #37 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
I'm at a point now where things have settled down and I have a chance to think. I have so many questions, but I worry asking will cause him to reminisce about the experience. I want answers, but not if it means he starts thinking about what happened fondly.
You are relieved now because he's back in your bed, but unfortunately you are in a false R. You rationalize that this is better than risking your marriage by taking the advice you've been given. But the advice was meant to give you the best chance for the optimum "outcome" for you. Either divorce or R with a fully committed, genuinely remorseful husband.

As time goes by and your relief dissipates, you will likely realize what a false R means for you.

Never the less, I hope you are one of those rare BS's who can defeat the odds and eventually wind up with a healthy, happy marriage. If so, come back and tell us about it. We don't see it very often.

Best of luck.
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post #38 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

The odds are strongly against this working out long term, but I wish you lots of luck.
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post #39 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:28 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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He didn't sleep in the spare room or the couch last night. He slept in our bed. We also were intimate last night and this morning which is a really good sign.

I agree that he has to totally break things off with her, and he said he would. On their breakup call he said he was recommitting to me and the kids and there was no way their relationship could continue. I thought about them working this out together beforehand, but with how that call went and how genuinely gutted he was, I don't think they did. I've only seen him cry a few times and I've never seen him fall apart like he did on that call. The ending of it was very real to him.

I know he's staying for the kids right now and that's ok. Staying for the kids gives us a chance to fix things so that eventually he stays for me because he's back in This marriage. The affair fog would have made it impossible for him to pick me as a reason for staying. They only thing that breaks through that is the kids.

We will do counseling, he said he would. I've already seen somebody on my own.

Today I'm sending her a letter and telling her husband and my husband is ag work and knows I'm contacting her, but not outing it to her husband. He says he won't see her and avoiding her should be really, really easy. I can't get him to agree to a transfer though since he'd be taking a pay cut and moving to a more expensive region. He says we just can't afford it. Looking at apartments last night and I did see they cost almost twice what we pay now for ours. I think it doesn't hurt to check. Once his boss knows, it may make it easier to go.

I went through a lot last night and other than what I found before, I'm not finding anything really incriminating. Maybe he deleted stuff but their discussions don't seem disjointed at all and they only talked back and forth on one email chain.

My emotions are all over the place but I feel better after last night. I think there's a real shot here and he seems committed to not contacting her. And everybody knows now so it'll make it harder for them to have moments alone like they did. I'm still on the fence on how much to ask him though. Is it better to know everything, the basics, or to move on?
You are a strong lady, good for you.
I would be very unhappy that they are still working together, surely one of them could move to another department or something? It will be very hard to do this if he is seeing her daily, and how can you trust them if they are working in the same place and can go for lunch together etc? Maybe his boss can suggest something?

Its up to you if you want to know the details. Personally I am the sort of person who cant accept things and move on unless I know the full truth, but some people seem to prefer not knowing. I so hope that he keeps his word, but the MC may well help keep things on track.

I do think her husband needs to know what sort of woman he is married to. He may of course end their marriage which may make her more determined to have your husband, but he may also stay with her if the affair stops. Either way he will be devastated. We can only hope she leaves her job.

Does she also have children?
I also think that you both need to get tested for STD's asap. If she has done this once she may have done it before.
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post #40 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Not outing the OW to her husband?

That is such a completely bad idea. You should out her to her husband because it's the right thing to do. He has a right to know, just like you do.

And you need him as an ally to put a stop to this affair.

Your thoughts on how "gutted" he is..................... YOU ARE WRONG.

He's gutted in front of you, he's gutted because he's missing her. Guess what, he misses her and he's going to see her again. Especially since you won't out the affair to her husband.

There is almost a 100% chance that there will be no real reconciliation here. 2 reasons: He doesn't love you anymore, and the affair is going to continue. He is still protecting her. He's still working with her. He still LOVES her (or thinks he does).

Why do you think he doesn't want you to tell her husband? It's so he can still see her.

Blow this thing up. This woman broke up your family. This woman betrayed her family.
He has a right to know, and you need him to keep his cheating wife away from your husband.

I adamantly advise you to tell her husband.

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post #41 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

The odds are worse if I don't try.

I think it's far too early to call this a false reconciliation. It's been only just over 12 hours since he broke things off and recommitted to us. I don't expect that overnight things are back the way they were before this. We have to overcome a lot. I have to overcome my trust issues with him and he says he needs help overcoming trust issues with me. We both have starting points and that's what we need to move forward.
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post #42 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Not outing the OW to her husband?

That is such a completely bad idea. You should out her to her husband because it's the right thing to do. He has a right to know, just like you do.

And you need him as an ally to put a stop to this affair.

Your thoughts on how "gutted" he is..................... YOU ARE WRONG.

He's gutted in front of you, he's gutted because he's missing her. Guess what, he misses her and he's going to see her again. Especially since you won't out the affair to her husband.

There is almost a 100% chance that there will be no real reconciliation here. 2 reasons: He doesn't love you anymore, and the affair is going to continue. He is still protecting her. He's still working with her. He still LOVES her (or thinks he does).

Why do you think he doesn't want you to tell her husband? It's so he can still see her.

Blow this thing up. This woman broke up your family. This woman betrayed her family.
He has a right to know, and you need him to keep his cheating wife away from your husband.

I adamantly advise you to tell her husband.
She is telling the husband but her husband doesn't know this.
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post #43 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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The odds are worse if I don't try.

I think it's far too early to call this a false reconciliation. It's been only just over 12 hours since he broke things off and recommitted to us. I don't expect that overnight things are back the way they were before this. We have to overcome a lot. I have to overcome my trust issues with him and he says he needs help overcoming trust issues with me. We both have starting points and that's what we need to move forward.
Why does he need to overcome trust issues with you?
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post #44 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Wow I feel so bad for the OP for 2 reason. firstly because she is here, it must be awful knowing the truth. Secondly because there is a belief that papering over the cracks will work.

Like many have said, I sincerely hope it does work, but in reality its going deep underground and you won't know it. If they continue to work together, see each other, chat, make time to be alone, it will continue.

To get him to realise what he's done wrong and fix it he needs to lose it. At least if you won't do that please out him to the OMW, she deserves that and it will improve your odds of it working, even if only slightly. Doing nothing and allowing him to get away without any consequences will merely help him continue without fear.

Good luck.
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post #45 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I am telling her husband. I'm just not sure how to do it. I'm not friends enough to call him and I was thinking about texting, but I don't want him to get it when he's working. Maybe an email is best. I go back and forth. I don't want to be the one who sends the news but I don't want to do it in a way that's insensitive.

Honestly I'm not sure how far that will even get me. Their marriage has a really weird dynamic. It's hard to explain. He's a standoffish guy. They don't have any kids. They tried for a number of years. She can't get pregnant and they stopped trying about a year ago. Her infertility thing is no secret.

He has trust issues with me, so he says, from some circumstances a few years ago. It's something we worked through at the time that he likes to bring up to deflect from himself and project onto me. He only brings it up when it's convenient to him because there isn't much he can say to explain it rationally beyond "that's what I feel."

Working together is an issue and I'm hoping it's uncomfortable enough that she will quit. Everybody knows what the deal is and to not see each other there will be extremely easy. I have many friends there so it'll be easy to know if they do spend time together. Like I said, I'm hoping the shame of it all just makes her leave since my husband needs the job, she doesn't.
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