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post #46 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I am telling her husband. I'm just not sure how to do it. I'm not friends enough to call him and I was thinking about texting, but I don't want him to get it when he's working. Maybe an email is best. I go back and forth. I don't want to be the one who sends the news but I don't want to do it in a way that's insensitive.

Honestly I'm not sure how far that will even get me. Their marriage has a really weird dynamic. It's hard to explain. He's a standoffish guy. They don't have any kids. They tried for a number of years. She can't get pregnant and they stopped trying about a year ago. Her infertility thing is no secret.

He has trust issues with me, so he says, from some circumstances a few years ago. It's something we worked through at the time that he likes to bring up to deflect from himself and project onto me. He only brings it up when it's convenient to him because there isn't much he can say to explain it rationally beyond "that's what I feel."

Working together is an issue and I'm hoping it's uncomfortable enough that she will quit. Everybody knows what the deal is and to not see each other there will be extremely easy. I have many friends there so it'll be easy to know if they do spend time together. Like I said, I'm hoping the shame of it all just makes her leave since my husband needs the job, she doesn't.
It will be easy not to see her there, but also easy to see her.They can have the same lunch hour and met away from there. After all they have done this for ages.

Email is the method I would use. Of course she will deny it to him, but you can tell him that your husband has admitted it.

Did you cheat before?

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post #47 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

There is only one approach in this, the most direct route. Call him and meet him in person. Lay it all out for him and tell him to keep his wife the hell away from your husband. One or both of them must leave the job.
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post #48 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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The odds are worse if I don't try.

If you're determined that you must avoid divorce at any cost; then yes, your approach may increase the odds of avoiding a divorce - at least for now. But if you take divorce off the table, it's like taking a knife to a gun fight. Your husband holds all the power in your relationship and has little or no motivation to demonstrate remorse; or even to stop cheating.

I think it's far too early to call this a false reconciliation.

You were in a false R the minute the agreement to reconcile; was your idea instead of his.

Last edited by badmemory; 03-24-2017 at 10:17 AM.
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post #49 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I am telling her husband. I'm just not sure how to do it. I'm not friends enough to call him and I was thinking about texting, but I don't want him to get it when he's working. Maybe an email is best. I go back and forth. I don't want to be the one who sends the news but I don't want to do it in a way that's insensitive.

Honestly I'm not sure how far that will even get me. Their marriage has a really weird dynamic. It's hard to explain. He's a standoffish guy. They don't have any kids. They tried for a number of years. She can't get pregnant and they stopped trying about a year ago. Her infertility thing is no secret.

He has trust issues with me, so he says, from some circumstances a few years ago. It's something we worked through at the time that he likes to bring up to deflect from himself and project onto me. He only brings it up when it's convenient to him because there isn't much he can say to explain it rationally beyond "that's what I feel."

Working together is an issue and I'm hoping it's uncomfortable enough that she will quit. Everybody knows what the deal is and to not see each other there will be extremely easy. I have many friends there so it'll be easy to know if they do spend time together. Like I said, I'm hoping the shame of it all just makes her leave since my husband needs the job, she doesn't.
Stop worrying about the dynamics of their marriage and worrying about when/how he gets the message. Worry about your own. Call him (he doesn't need to be a friend) and lay it out for him. Tell him the lot and that it was your husband that told you.

As for work, easy to avoid? I'm sure it is IF HE WANTS TO but I really don't think he will. And there will be shame if others know which is why so many say expose.
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post #50 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I am telling her husband. I'm just not sure how to do it. I'm not friends enough to call him and I was thinking about texting, but I don't want him to get it when he's working. Maybe an email is best. I go back and forth. I don't want to be the one who sends the news but I don't want to do it in a way that's insensitive.
With most hard decisions the best choice is to just be quick and direct (think of it like pulling off a bandaid...you just yank it off quickly and then it's over). You can't sugarcoat this. Just call him and say: "I don't know if you are aware of the situation yet but your wife and my husband are having an affair. I've already confronted my husband and yesterday he said he would break it off. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. Goodbye."

When I caught my XWW cheating I confronted her then immediately called the OM's wife and said I had to come over that day to speak with her about something important. I then came by and told her everything directly and asked if she wanted copies of the VAR or not. Then I left. She appreciated the honesty. I also knew there was nothing I could do to spare her feelings, but I also knew that her feelings being hurt were solely the result of her husband deciding to cheat.
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post #51 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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My emotions are all over the place but I feel better after last night. I think there's a real shot here and he seems committed to not contacting her. And everybody knows now so it'll make it harder for them to have moments alone like they did. I'm still on the fence on how much to ask him though. Is it better to know everything, the basics, or to move on?
It sounds like you're at least started on the right track. He may still decide he wants to leave the marriage, but if he does so it won't be in the fog of an affair.

How much to ask? You should ask for the things you really need to know. My take on it is you should perhaps look at tiers. The first tier would be the very basic stuff. Then if you have more questions, ask those. Then if you need more info, ask for it. Pause for a few days if necessary between tiers to think about whether the answers really make a difference or if they would become barriers to recovery. You know they had sex, do you really need to know all the dirty details? What is the drive behind a curiosity?

Some good reasons to ask questions is to see if he will be fully honest. Will he push through his own embarrassment and pain to give you a complete and honest answer? Will he fully capitulate? If he won't fully capitulate, he is still protecting himself or the OW in some way. You might be asking for more info than you really need, but getting him to capitulate and be fully honest with you might be a valid reason to go there.

You really do need for him to write out a timeline of the affair. This is the first step of capitulation.

One thing to be aware of is that affair sex tends to be less restrained than marital sex. Affair partners frequently do things they have refused their spouse. This is part of the nature of affairs.

I highly recommend the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. There are some other similar books which folks here recommend but which I have not read.
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post #52 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

good luck.
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post #53 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I don't think I'm enabling fence-sitting. I told him yesterday he had to cut off communication, she or he had to quit, and I'd tell his boss if he didn't. I'm crystal clear I want him to stay and so far he is in only the most technical sense. If anything he was off the fence and headed to a greener pasture but I convinced him to stay.

I'm just not sure what to do now that he's still here. I don't know how to talk to him about what he's doing or if he's sticking to what I asked. I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling.


He isn't a child and you are forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do. Why beg him to stay? Why threaten him to keep him in the home? You should notify the other woman's husband and let the chips fall where they may. Even if things don't work out for him with the other woman, let him figure that out but don't wait around for him to figure that out. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Don't beg him, don't sleep with him as he is having sex with someone else, try and be strong.


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post #54 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I don't care what his reasons are for staying right now. If he leaves I have zero chance of working with him on reconciling. Like the counselor said, if he's out the door and we've settled into the separation routine, it will be harder to get any meaningful face time with him. He will be gone.

If he stays, it means he's there and we can work on things. He doesn't have to like me right now, I expect we will both hate each other at various points. But in 5, 10, 20 years, hopefully we will be able to look back and say he came back for the wrong reasons but stayed for the right ones.

Jessica and Re have good feedback. I'll admit I was thinking that exposing it wouldn't do much, but maybe it will. If he says he had contact with her today then I'll start screaming from the rooftops what's going on.
Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? You are basically trying to work the plan in the book. I suggest you read it because it will fill you in one some details that you are missing.... helpful details.
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post #55 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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He came home and I asked him if he had any thoughts on what I said yesterday. He said no. He said he still wanted to leave. When I asked if he had seen her today, he said he hadn't. Then I said we needed to solve this and the affair had to end. I asked him if he'd stay to give us a chance, a few weeks, a few months, something. He said no. Our marriage was over for awhile and he couldn't get past our issues. I told him I didn't accept that and that I wasn't ready to share our kids with her and I didn't want our kids to lose their family. He broke down and said I'd it wasn't for the kids he would have left awhile ago, he wasn't happy but he didn't know what to do about the kids.

After some back and forth he said he'd stay for the kids and agreed to what we talked about yesterday and the other stipulations somebody mentioned earlier. I told him that it meant he had to not see her and break off all contact and she'd have to quit or he'd have to transfer. He said that wasn't reasonable but he'd break things off with her. I said if he was serious he'd do it right then and there over the phone in front of me, which he did. I'm working on a letter to send her and her husband. I already told my family and his and I called them both out on Facebook so everybody knows.

He's home, he didn't go out (he wasn't going out to be with her anyway just avoid me and dealing with this), but after his call with her he didn't have much to say to me. He's in the spare room because he said he needs space. He's really upset so that's how I know this is real and final. He'll be sleeping in our bed tonight, the first time in about 6 or 7 months. He gave me his passwords to his iPad, forums, and email so I'm going through to find their texts and messages.

He's really taking this seriously, I can tell by how he's acting. I think if we can just get her out of work or move then we will have a real fighting chance.
What you put in that letter is very important. You might want to post it here so that we can give you feed back. The thing is HE, not YOU, need to write here a no contact letter. I'm concerned about what you are going to write as it could really blow things up. Sending a no-contact letter is discussed in that book I suggested. I has a chapter on what has to go into the letter and what cannot be in it.

If you write a letter to the OW and her husband, it gives her way too much power. You need to ignore her, she's nothing to you. All of your beef is with your husband since he is the one who vowed to be faithful. Now you can expose her to her husband. But that's you talking to her husband, not you talking to her and sending her a letter.

You writing a letter is useless in breaking up the affair. If anything it makes it look like you are controlling and that he has nothing to do with this... basically. When it comes to ending the affair, what matters is what he says and does, not what you say and do.

Below is a sample no contact letter.

============

OW,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that {wife's name} did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay {wife's name} for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I love my wife and family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

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post #56 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
The odds are worse if I don't try.

If you're determined that you must avoid divorce at any cost; then yes, your approach may increase the odds of avoiding a divorce - at least for now. But if you take divorce off the table, it's like taking a knife to a gun fight. Your husband holds all the power in your relationship and has little or no motivation to demonstrate remorse; or even to stop cheating.

I think it's far too early to call this a false reconciliation.

You were in a false R the minute the agreement to reconcile; was your idea instead of his.
This is very true, OP. Please keep this in mind.
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post #57 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I didn't cheat, no. The circumstances around the conception of our second son is something he has an issue with.

Basically I got baby fever and was ready for another baby, and he wasn't. He said we weren't in a good place and we couldn't afford it and he wasn't ready. I told him I was tired of the headaches on the pill and was going off of it and if he didn't want to have another baby it was up to him to prevent it. He says that he thought I meant I was eventually going off, not that I was going off immediately. Apparently the pill killed my sex drive and going off of it, I ended up initiating a lot. He didn't do anything to prevent getting pregnant so I thought he'd worked through to wanting a baby. I got pregnant very quickly and when I told him he said I had tricked him and because our first child wasn't planned, he accused me of intentionally getting pregnant then too.

It was a rough patch but by the time our second was born he said he had worked through it, but we had gone from having sex 2-5 times a week to once every few months. It didn't bother me really because my hands were full, but he said the reason he stopped wanting sex is because he didn't trust I wouldn't get pregnant again. I think he was even still worried about it when we were intimate yesterday and today because he wouldn't "finish."

I've talked to him about it over and over and he's agreed to try and trust me on that again, but he never really seems to stick with it. He also has some distrust over my handling of finances.

I'd thought about the sex they had and I'll admit I'm kind of dwelling on it now. Really though there's nothing she could have done with him that I haven't done already with him. He has a super high drive and before our second was born, we were really active and open to try a lot of different things. I'm more worried that it wasn't just sex. If that's the case it doesn't matter what they did sexually but what it meant. That's worse.

With their work, it's actually harder for them to see each other than it is to avoid each other. Their employer is really large and they work in totally opposite parts of the building. Because of where her office is (basically a bank vault behind 3 sets of locked doors), be has absolutely no reason to be there. He'd have to go out of his way to find her and he'd have to do it in front of half a dozen people all of whom know. They don't even lunch at the same time. Plus their hours don't overlap all that much generally. Most of the time they saw each other as friends was outside of work or on those days they shared hours and they sought each other out. That doesn't mean that he can stay or she can stay there, but he can keep his promise to not see her really easily. Especially with everybody watching. Hopefully she will agree to quit or he will get a transfer. Family will help us financially I think if we move to save the marriage. Obviously the faster we can do this the better.

I don't want to meet her husband. I think an email and text will be enough. I'm just really thinking about how because he's about to get told something that I found out Monday. I would kill to have found out in a way that wasn't so shocking. They have no kids so there's that, but I don't want to come in like an elephant with the news either. I'll send out something short and to the point that tells him and tells him to keep her from us.

I haven't heard from her yet.
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post #58 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I am telling her husband. I'm just not sure how to do it. I'm not friends enough to call him and I was thinking about texting, but I don't want him to get it when he's working. Maybe an email is best. I go back and forth. I don't want to be the one who sends the news but I don't want to do it in a way that's insensitive.

Honestly I'm not sure how far that will even get me. Their marriage has a really weird dynamic. It's hard to explain. He's a standoffish guy. They don't have any kids. They tried for a number of years. She can't get pregnant and they stopped trying about a year ago. Her infertility thing is no secret.

He has trust issues with me, so he says, from some circumstances a few years ago. It's something we worked through at the time that he likes to bring up to deflect from himself and project onto me. He only brings it up when it's convenient to him because there isn't much he can say to explain it rationally beyond "that's what I feel."

Working together is an issue and I'm hoping it's uncomfortable enough that she will quit. Everybody knows what the deal is and to not see each other there will be extremely easy. I have many friends there so it'll be easy to know if they do spend time together. Like I said, I'm hoping the shame of it all just makes her leave since my husband needs the job, she doesn't.
Is your husband her peer? Or is he higher up in the company than she?
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post #59 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

He broke up with her over the phone and said basically all that. He owes our marriage and me a chance, he made vows to me, he's ashamed he broke them, so on. He said from that point he wouldn't talk to her, so sending her a letter in top of that when he said his conversation was the end seems counterintuitive. I almost feel the letter has less impact than him sayoingnout of his mouth to her hears what his intentions are. The letter she could say I wrote and he copied or signed. There's wiggle room there for both of them. The phone call though? That's harder. Anything he says can't be taken back without damaging the trust he says they shared. He'd have to say he lied then or didn't mean it or whatever.

I did send her the email already. It wasn't long and I didn't beg with her. I just laid out we were focusing on our marriage and if she intruded again that she was hurting children and risking public shaming as I'd bring every email and text and picture out for the whole world to see. And I said that for how he said what they had was special, the first sign of real resistance and he gave her up and resumed marital intimacy hours later. So at the very least she has questions about how special what they shared truly was since I'm sure she knows we weren't having sex that frequently.
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post #60 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:49 PM
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The odds are worse if I don't try.

I think it's far too early to call this a false reconciliation. It's been only just over 12 hours since he broke things off and recommitted to us. I don't expect that overnight things are back the way they were before this. We have to overcome a lot. I have to overcome my trust issues with him and he says he needs help overcoming trust issues with me. We both have starting points and that's what we need to move forward.
It isn't, Fairchild. Many spouses like you want to forget and forgive and move forward, believing they can love their W spouse back to them. This isn't how it works. You need to get Surving an Affair and follow the plan to a T. It's written by a licensed psychologist who has had great success recovering marriages going through exactly what you're going through. It will give you a concrete plan to follow that will allow you to keep your dignity while giving your marriage the best chance possible. Right now you're thinking with hysterical emotion. Anyone in your situation would be. You can't rely on your judgement right now. You need outside help, which is why you're here, but instead of piecing our advice together, and looking into things like the OW's marital dynamics, you should be checking items off a checklist from a plan that actually works to end affairs and give a marriage suffering infidelity a fighting chance.

I know you're scared. You have children. I would be too, anyone would be in your position. But for their sake and yours, stop trying to work this out yourself. You're far to emotional. Follow a plan and take the emotion out of it.
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