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post #61 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

He's not higher up or a peer. It's hard to explain. They work at the same place and share the same boss, but that's where the overlap ends.

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post #62 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:52 PM
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Please don't do anything else right now until you get a plan in place. You're going about this wrong. You should not be contacting the OW directly. There is so much more you need to know...your husband will need to change his contact info (cell number, etc.). One text from the OW 2 weeks from now will restart the whole affair. Your husband will be grieving the loss of the OW.

There is so much more you need to know.
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post #63 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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He broke up with her over the phone and said basically all that. He owes our marriage and me a chance, he made vows to me, he's ashamed he broke them, so on. He said from that point he wouldn't talk to her, so sending her a letter in top of that when he said his conversation was the end seems counterintuitive. I almost feel the letter has less impact than him sayoingnout of his mouth to her hears what his intentions are. The letter she could say I wrote and he copied or signed. There's wiggle room there for both of them. The phone call though? That's harder. Anything he says can't be taken back without damaging the trust he says they shared. He'd have to say he lied then or didn't mean it or whatever.
Well the phone call is done and over with. So right now, no letter is need. You brought up writing a letter to her and her husband and that was after he broke it off over the phone. I was addressing that. What a letter, if there is one, needs to look like, who writes it. And if it is written he signs it and the two of you both mail it together.

He could also tell her that you made him make that phone call. It happens all the time. They could very likely take the affair underground now. Telling her husband would have the added benefit of having the two of you keeping your eyes on them.

One reason for the letter is that it’s hard to end contact, with contact. A phone call is contact. He tells her that his affair was a terrible thing that he did to YOU? Did he tell her that he is committing to you and your children? This is an important aspect of the letter, that only talks about you and that he hurt you. That he never mentions anything about his feelings for her? Did he mention his feelings for her in the phone call? Did he tell her that he would miss her or anything like that?

Often, a cheater will say that they want to tell their affair partner in person. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. They go off somewhere to tell the affair partner, and it turns into a blubbering “l love you so much but need to end the affair” fest and often ends with sex and plans to take it underground.

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I did send her the email already. It wasn't long and I didn't beg with her. I just laid out we were focusing on our marriage and if she intruded again that she was hurting children and risking public shaming as I'd bring every email and text and picture out for the whole world to see. And I said that for how he said what they had was special, the first sign of real resistance and he gave her up and resumed marital intimacy hours later. So at the very least she has questions about how special what they shared truly was since I'm sure she knows we weren't having sex that frequently.
Well it’s done. Except for telling her husband, ignore her in the future.

And please read the book I suggested.
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post #64 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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He's not higher up or a peer. It's hard to explain. They work at the same place and share the same boss, but that's where the overlap ends.
OK, I get it. It's a big corp and their work it not related.

My concern was if there is any way that when she gets angry, and she most likely will, if she could bring sexual harassment charges against him. But if he has no authority over her then that's not an issue.
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post #65 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I didn't cheat, no. The circumstances around the conception of our second son is something he has an issue with.

Basically I got baby fever and was ready for another baby, and he wasn't. He said we weren't in a good place and we couldn't afford it and he wasn't ready. I told him I was tired of the headaches on the pill and was going off of it and if he didn't want to have another baby it was up to him to prevent it. He says that he thought I meant I was eventually going off, not that I was going off immediately. Apparently the pill killed my sex drive and going off of it, I ended up initiating a lot. He didn't do anything to prevent getting pregnant so I thought he'd worked through to wanting a baby. I got pregnant very quickly and when I told him he said I had tricked him and because our first child wasn't planned, he accused me of intentionally getting pregnant then too.
I don't blame him for having issues with this. It's pretty ****ed up. Having a child should be a mutual decision and it wasn't.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #66 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

He did mention the kids too, but I'm trying to kind of keep them out of online discussions. I'm speaking in generalities on them and specifics on the adults. Elsewhere mentioning them too easily steered the discussion towards talking about them in ways that made me uncomfortable.

Sexual harassment charges aren't a worry.

I'll for sure grab the book. Follow the plan in there as best I can.
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post #67 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I don't care what his reasons are for staying right now. If he leaves I have zero chance of working with him on reconciling. Like the counselor said, if he's out the door and we've settled into the separation routine, it will be harder to get any meaningful face time with him. He will be gone.

If he stays, it means he's there and we can work on things. He doesn't have to like me right now, I expect we will both hate each other at various points. But in 5, 10, 20 years, hopefully we will be able to look back and say he came back for the wrong reasons but stayed for the right ones.

Jessica and Re have good feedback. I'll admit I was thinking that exposing it wouldn't do much, but maybe it will. If he says he had contact with her today then I'll start screaming from the rooftops what's going on.
Have you given any thought to the fact that he might be seeking a lawyer to get the divorce rolling, but is staying because it's a place to stay till the OW bails on her husband? Just a thought. You have to be on you toes, bring your A game and be ready and prepared for the worst.
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post #68 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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You may want to reconcile but you can't force your WH to do it. You can't reconcile on your own. I think what many are telling you is that if you do 180 and stop trying to win him back, he might just realize what he is going to miss out on. If you continue to do the pick me dance, he is never going to want to come back to the marriage.
Or he could decide to keep seeing the OW since if you do the pick me dance. He'll figure that since you still want him back after finding out he had an affair that he can still get away with it.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #69 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:14 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Yes to all of the above. He should have sent a No Contact letter that you previewed and agreed to, stating that he wants to work on his marriage with his wife and save his family.

His attitude of "only willing to stay for the kids" and staying in the spare room does not bode well, OP.

He is not coming to you remorseful and desperate to save your marriage. He's still working with the OW.

Is this really what you want? A marriage with a man who does not feel badly for abusing you? Can you really live knowing that he's not staying for you?

I'd pack his bags now and change the locks. He needs to convince YOU this marriage is worth saving.

Again, I'm so very sorry.
My thoughts exactly. He should be begging OP for forgiveness and be so far up her behind that he can't see light of day, much less need to go in another room to sulk.
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post #70 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

There is no way for you to be certain he isnt in contact with OW still. They work together.. 5 days a week. During the week he spends more time with her then you. You seem to think you can control your husband and his behavior but the truth is you cant. He is going to do what he wants. And he loves her.

You think 2 adults in love and in close proximity have a change of heart because someone said so? Come on!

wake up.

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post #71 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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There is no way for you to be certain he isnt in contact with OW still. They work together.. 5 days a week. During the week he spends more time with her then you. You seem to think you can control your husband and his behavior but the truth is you cant. He is going to do what he wants. And he loves her.

You think 2 adults in love and in close proximity have a change of heart because someone said so? Come on!

wake up.
This.

I'd say to really think on this for a while, like others have suggested. Taking him back too soon or leaving too soon, might both not be in your best interest, right now. Look out for you in this, and don't chase your husband. Let him come back to you, let him work towards making amends. You can't make amends for him, and you can't demand amends. You want your marriage to work right now, but you can't do his part. He has to do it, and if his heart is not in it, that's another decision you may have to make, but it doesn't have to be made right now. I hope things get better for you.

Last edited by *Deidre*; 03-24-2017 at 04:34 PM.
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post #72 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:33 PM
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Yes to all of the above. He should have sent a No Contact letter that you previewed and agreed to, stating that he wants to work on his marriage with his wife and save his family.

His attitude of "only willing to stay for the kids" and staying in the spare room does not bode well, OP.

He is not coming to you remorseful and desperate to save your marriage. He's still working with the OW.

Is this really what you want? A marriage with a man who does not feel badly for abusing you? Can you really live knowing that he's not staying for you?

I'd pack his bags now and change the locks. He needs to convince YOU this marriage is worth saving.

Again, I'm so very sorry.
My thoughts exactly. He should be begging OP for forgiveness and be so far up her behind that he can't see light of day, much less need to go in another room to sulk.
OP, do you realize that you need to shake him up here, make him rethink seriously what he's doing? Making him leave your home will give him a very serious reality check of what he will lose if he continues his fantasy of being with the OW.

He should not be given the opportunity to behave this way after betraying you and your children. He's acting like a teenager who's mommy took away his toy. Stop enabling him.
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post #73 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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He didn't sleep in the spare room or the couch last night. He slept in our bed. We also were intimate last night and this morning which is a really good sign.
Did you remember to thank him for any std's he might have given you?

My ex wife betrayed me 24 years ago and I've been a student of the subject of marital infidelity ever since. For the life of me I'll never comprehend why betrayed spouses can't figure out that saving a marriage at the cost of their dignity always back fires.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.
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post #74 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:18 PM
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Maybe you are just in shock. Hysterical bonding.
Someone told me to give it 6 months before making any decisions.
Months 1-2 I was hopeful for our marriage. On month 4 now and I hate him.

You might feel differently in a few months.
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post #75 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I get a lot of you think I should leave, but I've already said I'm not going to give up on our marriage just yet. You guys don't have to understand it, but if you could at least accept it that would be helpful. I don't need to be scolded and shamed because I'm not willing to give up on him or what we've made together.

I don't think what's happened is beyond fixing. That's all that matters considering it is my husband, my marriage, my family, and my life. If I'm wrong that's fine, but I'm not any worse off. If I'm right then I have a marriage and if I'm wrong I'm divorced anyway. I've got nothing to lose by fighting.

Last edited by Fairchild; 03-24-2017 at 07:18 PM.
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