Found Out Husband Had an Affair - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:22 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I understand it, but you can't fix your husband. Only he can fix himself, and I hope he chooses you as much as you're choosing him, that's all. Good luck with whatever you decide.


Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #77 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:49 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I get a lot of you think I should leave, but I've already said I'm not going to give up on our marriage just yet. You guys don't have to understand it, but if you could at least accept it that would be helpful. I don't need to be scolded and shamed because I'm not willing to give up on him or what we've made together.

I don't think what's happened is beyond fixing. That's all that matters considering it is my husband, my marriage, my family, and my life. If I'm wrong that's fine, but I'm not any worse off. If I'm right then I have a marriage and if I'm wrong I'm divorced anyway. I've got nothing to lose by fighting.
You really need to get this "fighting" attitude out of your head. YOU chasing him by satisfying his every need for food, sex, and affection---- that will do nothing but drive him further away from you emotionally.
Every single person that ever uses this "fighting for their marriage" statement has ruined what little chance they had by chasing.

This husband of yours is not remorseful in ANY way for what he has done, which is horrible.
IF he actually cuts contact with his AP, which we all know he isn't, he is going to build resentment toward you for ruining his chance at "true love" with his AP.
He will come to see you as a woman that he can have anytime, and he will want MORE.

You have got to blow up the affair, which you have done. Bravo!!!!!!
Now you have to totally wreck his idea that he's too good for you, that he has you at his whim. You are not to be trifled with. You are his wife and deserve his respect.
You should have zero respect for him, and he should be willing to move heaven and earth to get it back.
He's only willing to stay for his kids!
He even denied you sex! That would have put me into a rage...... like YOU are the one that isn't worthy of his ----.

I hope this works out for you, but we e all seen this a hundred times and reconciliation just has no chance with an unrenorseful cheating spouse. If you busted his affair up and chunked him out of the house and blew his world up, there might be a chance he'd appreciate you again and strive to make things right.

I see him actually becoming resentful over you ruining his chance at his "soulmate", and him just slowly starting the hate being with you.

So that's what I worry about for you.
Don't want to see it happen.
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post #78 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I get a lot of you think I should leave, but I've already said I'm not going to give up on our marriage just yet. You guys don't have to understand it, but if you could at least accept it that would be helpful. I don't need to be scolded and shamed because I'm not willing to give up on him or what we've made together.
There are some people here on TAM who think that the only way to handle infidelity is divorce. You are hearing a lot from them on this thread. There are other who believe that it's completely possible to recover from infidelity. IMHO, no one should be telling you what you have to do. And no one should be trying to shame you into either leaving or staying. It's your life. That's your choice. We should be supporting you in your decision.

A good number of people do recover their marriages after infidelity and go on to have a good marriage for the rest of their lives. I know people in my real life who have done this. About 50% to 80% of marriages do recover from infidelity.

You want to try to recover your marriage. Then that's what you do. You can always change your mind it things are not working out.

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I don't think what's happened is beyond fixing. That's all that matters considering it is my husband, my marriage, my family, and my life. If I'm wrong that's fine, but I'm not any worse off. If I'm right then I have a marriage and if I'm wrong I'm divorced anyway. I've got nothing to lose by fighting.
I agree that your marriage is not beyond fixing. Any marriage can be fixed if the couple does the right things.

You are right, you will not lose by fighting. You can always change your mind.

(The book, did you get the book? It's a quick read. Once you read it you will understand why I keep bringing it up.)
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post #79 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I didn't cheat, no. The circumstances around the conception of our second son is something he has an issue with.



Basically I got baby fever and was ready for another baby, and he wasn't. He said we weren't in a good place and we couldn't afford it and he wasn't ready. I told him I was tired of the headaches on the pill and was going off of it and if he didn't want to have another baby it was up to him to prevent it. He says that he thought I meant I was eventually going off, not that I was going off immediately. Apparently the pill killed my sex drive and going off of it, I ended up initiating a lot. He didn't do anything to prevent getting pregnant so I thought he'd worked through to wanting a baby. I got pregnant very quickly and when I told him he said I had tricked him and because our first child wasn't planned, he accused me of intentionally getting pregnant then too.



It was a rough patch but by the time our second was born he said he had worked through it, but we had gone from having sex 2-5 times a week to once every few months. It didn't bother me really because my hands were full, but he said the reason he stopped wanting sex is because he didn't trust I wouldn't get pregnant again. I think he was even still worried about it when we were intimate yesterday and today because he wouldn't "finish."



I've talked to him about it over and over and he's agreed to try and trust me on that again, but he never really seems to stick with it. He also has some distrust over my handling of finances.



I'd thought about the sex they had and I'll admit I'm kind of dwelling on it now. Really though there's nothing she could have done with him that I haven't done already with him. He has a super high drive and before our second was born, we were really active and open to try a lot of different things. I'm more worried that it wasn't just sex. If that's the case it doesn't matter what they did sexually but what it meant. That's worse.



With their work, it's actually harder for them to see each other than it is to avoid each other. Their employer is really large and they work in totally opposite parts of the building. Because of where her office is (basically a bank vault behind 3 sets of locked doors), be has absolutely no reason to be there. He'd have to go out of his way to find her and he'd have to do it in front of half a dozen people all of whom know. They don't even lunch at the same time. Plus their hours don't overlap all that much generally. Most of the time they saw each other as friends was outside of work or on those days they shared hours and they sought each other out. That doesn't mean that he can stay or she can stay there, but he can keep his promise to not see her really easily. Especially with everybody watching. Hopefully she will agree to quit or he will get a transfer. Family will help us financially I think if we move to save the marriage. Obviously the faster we can do this the better.



I don't want to meet her husband. I think an email and text will be enough. I'm just really thinking about how because he's about to get told something that I found out Monday. I would kill to have found out in a way that wasn't so shocking. They have no kids so there's that, but I don't want to come in like an elephant with the news either. I'll send out something short and to the point that tells him and tells him to keep her from us.



I haven't heard from her yet.


I hate to say this but you are really fooling yourself. You have forced him to say things to you possibly only to get you off of his back. You have everything planned out to a t as to when he can see her at work, etc. Please don't comtinue to live in a fantasy world. Be realistic about your husband and the situation.


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post #80 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:12 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
There are some people here on TAM who think that the only way to handle infidelity is divorce.
I think at times the "T" in TAM is "Trigger"...

Been there, not proud I've done that....

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #81 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:59 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
I get a lot of you think I should leave, but I've already said I'm not going to give up on our marriage just yet. You guys don't have to understand it, but if you could at least accept it that would be helpful. I don't need to be scolded and shamed because I'm not willing to give up on him or what we've made together.

I don't think what's happened is beyond fixing. That's all that matters considering it is my husband, my marriage, my family, and my life. If I'm wrong that's fine, but I'm not any worse off. If I'm right then I have a marriage and if I'm wrong I'm divorced anyway. I've got nothing to lose by fighting.
I know several marriages that survived affairs, so its worth a try.
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post #82 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:23 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
I get a lot of you think I should leave, but I've already said I'm not going to give up on our marriage just yet. You guys don't have to understand it, but if you could at least accept it that would be helpful. I don't need to be scolded and shamed because I'm not willing to give up on him or what we've made together.

I don't think what's happened is beyond fixing. That's all that matters considering it is my husband, my marriage, my family, and my life. If I'm wrong that's fine, but I'm not any worse off. If I'm right then I have a marriage and if I'm wrong I'm divorced anyway. I've got nothing to lose by fighting.
Regarding the bolded, I politely disagree, when the situation is one-sided in terms of heavy lifting, as I believe yours is. There's a lot you stand to lose by being the only one really "fighting" when that's HIS job:

Your time.
Your energy.
Your sanity.
Your self-respect.
Your dignity.
Your youth.
Your ability to heal from the emotional pain.
Your ability to learn resilience.
Your ability to trust.
Your ability to see what is.

I could go on. I'm not even talking monetary things. I'm talking about things that can erode your confidence and your spirit.

If I thought by your posts that he was demonstrating adequate remorse and damage control, I would not even be posting at all, nor would many others. I'm a realist but I do believe in trying to heal the relationship first before just letting it go. That is, if both parties are doing what is necessary. When you're the person doing the majority of the work, or trying to twist yourself into a pretzel so that his life is easier, many of us know that this is not a good sign. I look one layer deeper and know that it also hurts you down to your very core.

It is your life and your choice and only you can choose. Some people prefer to learn on their own, to be completely sure of their decisions. I can respect that. Rather than see posters as scolding you (the moderators would crack down if they thought anyone went to far), I'd offer that you try to see the genuine advice that lies beneath some of their hurt. All the best.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #83 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 07:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Again, it has been just over 24 hours since I sat and listened to him break things off with her. There's only so much I can demand he does to prove himself in 24 hours. To get here took longer than 24 hours so to get back will take longer too. Honestly if he had gone to wanting to be gone to licking my boots in 24 hours then I'd feel that's less authentic.

He thinks he loves her and maybe he does. I can't ignore that. Knowing that, any groveling or begging would have seemed like a lie to get me off his back. This is harder to accept but at least believable. If he were anything but sad then is think it was an act.

He came home yesterday and he didn't see her and he spoke to his boss about transferring. There isn't anything available where we want to go in his pay grade but he's on the list and stuff opens quickly. He came straight home and spent the whole evening with us. He said it was a hard day with a lot of questions he didn't want to answer and mostly didn't. What surprised me was a lot of what I heard back was from people who had already assumed they had an affair. People weren't as surprised as I thought. I haven't heard from her and what I did hear from her husband wasn't helpful. He won't be a resource in this at all. My husband has said nothing about me contacting her or her husband.

Today I feel weird. Because of how I found out, I pretty much have the timeline of what happened and how they reacted to it. I want to talk about it, get a timeline, ask a thousand questions, but I'm waiting to get that book. So far he's stuck with everything I've asked and things I haven't, like staying off the computer and leaving his phone unlocked and face up on the charger while we are at home.

Look, I'm a realist. I'm not expecting things to be alright in a week, two weeks, or even a year. I'm absolutely sure there will be setbacks or he will see her or talk to her. I don't think he went from planning on leaving a week ago and in love to out of love and invested in us and she's out of his head. The best I can do is one day at a time and deal with what happens on that day. It's going to be hard for both of us and that's ok. I just want to be able to say I was dealt this hand and I did the best with it I could. I'm tired of hearing about what I deserve and what I don't deserve and how to save my pride and dignity. I can decide what I deserve and honestly life isn't about getting what you deserve, it's trying to make the best of what you get. And I don't think that if telling my husband I'd love him forever two weeks ago meant I had no dignity, I lose my dignity by saying it now. Just like how he feels about her isn't going to end overnight, how I feel about him won't either.

This is a weird time for us and we are just doing the best we can right now. His best doesn't look like much and maybe my best looks like too much. Best we can do is a day, a thought, a feeling, an action at a time.
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post #84 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Does he love you? That'd be the only question worth him answering, in my opinion.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #85 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Right guy now? He says no. He says he never loved me like he loves her, but that's classic affair fog stuff. He's rewriting years of history to accommodate one month of an affair. Honestly I don't expect him to say he loves me right now. He's caught in an affair. He has a whole thought process he's used to rationalize the irrational.

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post #86 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

So why are you here?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #87 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I read what you wrote about how things were in your marriage and kid number 2. Is that what he says made him look elsewhere? For future reference, when you know your man has a 'super high drive' and he's not doing you most days...that's your hint that something is drastically wrong and needs to be solved.
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post #88 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Why am I here where? This forum? For support and people to talk to about it. I have nobody to talk to IRL who has experience with this.

I did know that there was an issue but it started exactly when our youngest was born. Up until that week we were intimate 2-5 times a week. He had said that it was because of his trust issues, which makes sense for his line of thinking. I was tired anyway with two kids and all that comes with it so I didn't pursue intimacy as actively as I could have, but when I did it all went back to not wanting to get me pregnant since I wasn't on birth control.

Their affair started a month ago.
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post #89 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

So why does he say it happened? The affair I mean.
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post #90 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

What did her husband say when you told him?
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