Found Out Husband Had an Affair - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 267Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #91 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,702
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

what I think is going to happen:

Resentment builds from him listing soulmate. Gross.

He stays a while until the OW divorces her husband--- its obvious she is according to how you describe him.

He's going to say "I tried" to make himself feel better about leaving, and you will be devastated.

My suggestion: When they tell you they don't love you--let them go. I assure you that you are going to have to eventually,because he's going to leave you.
He's not staying for the kids. He's staying because he likely can't afford the divorce.

Fact: you are in too much pain to see the truth.
You are in family-preservation mode and are incapable of taking advice (I recognize it because I was where you were once).

You can't fight for a person. They will fight back. You can't will a person to love you. You can't make his home comfortable enough to not make him want his feel-good kick he gets from the OW.

Realize that every glimpse he gets of her puts him right back to wanting her.

I am not being negative, it's just the truth.
Your husband is not going to fall back in love with you. Even if you rocked his world with divorce, he probably wouldn't love you again.

It's just how it is. You are going to be in tremendous pain until you accept that you have to move on.

I know this is falling in deaf ears, but eventually you will understand I'm trying to help you avoid extended pain.

Evinrude58 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #92 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

He just said that she started as a friend, somebody he had a lot in common with, who was cool and fun to be with. Then he noticed that he looked forward to seeing her and would seek her out. Somewhere along the line he interpreted their close friendship as love. He didn't say specifically what triggered it except for how he felt. He alluded to them having more in common and he trusts her whereas we have very little in common and we have trust issues on both sides now.

Her husband just emailed back and said to mind my own business and to leave him and her alone.
Fairchild is offline  
post #93 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 04:01 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5,996
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
He just said that she started as a friend, somebody he had a lot in common with, who was cool and fun to be with. Then he noticed that he looked forward to seeing her and would seek her out. Somewhere along the line he interpreted their close friendship as love. He didn't say specifically what triggered it except for how he felt. He alluded to them having more in common and he trusts her whereas we have very little in common and we have trust issues on both sides now.



Her husband just emailed back and said to mind my own business and to leave him and her alone.


Are you cool and fun to hang out with? Do you have a career? Can you get more in common with him?
WorkingOnMe is online now  
 
post #94 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 04:06 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

At this point the extended pain comes in not trying and divorcing. This way I can say I tried to make it work. The guilt would haunt me forever if I didn't.

Right now he's here and he's trying. That's all I asked. I'm not expecting miracles in a week. We are taking the baby steps to get to where we need to. That's all I can do and that's all he can do.

And if he can fall out of love with me and in love with her then I can put in the same work and time to have him fall out of love with her and in love with me. It'll be a long process, I'm sure. It's not impossible though. People do it. Monday will be a week since I found out. I'm 48 hours past our come to Jesus talk. Repairing this will take time.
Fairchild is offline  
post #95 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'm trying to find more we can have in common. I've tried to dive into his passions (board games, video games) and have him teach me things, but I feel like it's frustrating to him so I stopped. I asked him today to teach me a few simple games and when I started to irritate him, I backed off. I'm trying to find other ways to connect with him. It's hard. We are making plans to go out, that helps.

I work but I only work part time around his schedule because we can't afford daycare for two kids. My job is just basic retail stuff, nothing really interesting. Just something I could get that had flexible hours.
Fairchild is offline  
post #96 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 04:28 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,151
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

It's sad that you're assuming this was somehow your fault, that your husband sought out another woman. You twisting into a pretzel to become someone you're really not to gain your husband's attention will not help your situation, and in fact, it will cause you to eventually resent him.

If your marriage is to work, you might need to take a step back and stop trying so hard to please him because you're blaming yourself. Your husband might have a very unrealistic view of marriage, and when things became slightly tense with you, he turned his attention elsewhere. If that part of him remains, he will cheat again, is my point, and it has nothing to do with you.

I hope you don't lose yourself in all of this, because you matter, too.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
*Deidre* is offline  
post #97 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 05:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,526
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
He just said that she started as a friend, somebody he had a lot in common with, who was cool and fun to be with. Then he noticed that he looked forward to seeing her and would seek her out. Somewhere along the line he interpreted their close friendship as love. He didn't say specifically what triggered it except for how he felt. He alluded to them having more in common and he trusts her whereas we have very little in common and we have trust issues on both sides now.

Her husband just emailed back and said to mind my own business and to leave him and her alone.
Oh dear he is in denial. The thing is that it is your business because his wife has been sleeping with your husband.
Diana7 is offline  
post #98 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:03 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,313
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
Right guy now? He says no. He says he never loved me like he loves her, but that's classic affair fog stuff. He's rewriting years of history to accommodate one month of an affair. Honestly I don't expect him to say he loves me right now. He's caught in an affair. He has a whole thought process he's used to rationalize the irrational.
You are right that what he is saying is classic affair fog. So is re-writing history.

The affair fog is caused by being 'in love'... that infatuation that happens when a person first falls in love. For humans, "in love" means that your brains are producing and up taking a lot of feel good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the amnesia hormone because it is the hormone that makes a person who is in love blind. Once he is away from her long enough, the hormones will subside and he will not even know why he was in love with her. Basically he's on a hormone induced high, much like a junky.

He has you to fill a subset of his emotional needs and he has her to fill the rest. What a lucky guy!! Right? Not!!

If he stays away from her, he'll come out of the fog and then wonder why he did this. You are right that it will take a while, hopefully not too long.
EleGirl is online now  
post #99 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:09 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,313
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
He just said that she started as a friend, somebody he had a lot in common with, who was cool and fun to be with. Then he noticed that he looked forward to seeing her and would seek her out. Somewhere along the line he interpreted their close friendship as love. He didn't say specifically what triggered it except for how he felt. He alluded to them having more in common and he trusts her whereas we have very little in common and we have trust issues on both sides now.
That's about how most affairs start. It's why it can be dangerous for men and women to be friends. There is a book here that a lot of people suggest when an affair starts as 'just friends'. I've not read it. But a lot speak highly of it.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
Her husband just emailed back and said to mind my own business and to leave him and her alone.
Well, at least he knows. Do you think she has him convinced that you are just making this up?

If you hear anything more like this from him, or if you want to replay to him, I suggest a short reply: "Your wife screwing my husband is my business. "

If you have solid evidence, I'd add a sentence telling him that you would be glad to email copies of the emails, etc etc that prove the affair.
EleGirl is online now  
post #100 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:17 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,313
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
At this point the extended pain comes in not trying and divorcing. This way I can say I tried to make it work. The guilt would haunt me forever if I didn't.

Right now he's here and he's trying. That's all I asked. I'm not expecting miracles in a week. We are taking the baby steps to get to where we need to. That's all I can do and that's all he can do.

And if he can fall out of love with me and in love with her then I can put in the same work and time to have him fall out of love with her and in love with me. It'll be a long process, I'm sure. It's not impossible though. People do it. Monday will be a week since I found out. I'm 48 hours past our come to Jesus talk. Repairing this will take time.
I completely understand your desire to do all that you can. Giving this a good try is worth it. Knowing that you did all that you could do is important... at least it is to some people.

I know that this is hard. But there is a huge chance that he will come fully back into the marriage. Just keep at it for now.

I am also sure that some of the posts here are harsh and hard on you. Please take the useful input and let the rest go. Don't let this chase you off.

EleGirl is online now  
post #101 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:20 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,313
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
I'm trying to find more we can have in common. I've tried to dive into his passions (board games, video games) and have him teach me things, but I feel like it's frustrating to him so I stopped. I asked him today to teach me a few simple games and when I started to irritate him, I backed off. I'm trying to find other ways to connect with him. It's hard. We are making plans to go out, that helps.
You are on right that finding something that the two of you can do together is important. Learning something together does help to bring a couple together. Is there just one thing, one game, that he could teach you? Instead of asking about many games? The idea is to get it so that the two of you spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you.

Dating, going out is good too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
I work but I only work part time around his schedule because we can't afford daycare for two kids. My job is just basic retail stuff, nothing really interesting. Just something I could get that had flexible hours.
That's good.
EleGirl is online now  
post #102 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,526
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I completely understand your desire to do all that you can. Giving this a good try is worth it. Knowing that you did all that you could do is important... at least it is to some people.

I know that this is hard. But there is a huge chance that he will come fully back into the marriage. Just keep at it for now.

I am also sure that some of the posts here are harsh and hard on you. Please take the useful input and let the rest go. Don't let this chase you off.
Agreed.
Diana7 is offline  
post #103 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'm not twisting myself in a pretzel to conform to his interests and I don't think this affair is my fault at all. This was a wake up call to me though that we really have absolutely nothing in common and I don't ever try to involve myself in his interests when, to his credit, he really does involve himself in mine.

For her it's easy to be fun when you have no kids to worry about. I realized that I spent so much time in survival mode. Wake up, manage kids and all that comes with it, the household, a marriage, a job, and then just trying to make it to the finish line of bed at the end of the day, frazzled and exhausted. In trying to survive all my obligations, making time for each other and I made no effort to do anything with him beyond my todo list and parenting. That's not me when we were dating. I tried all sorts of things just because it meant time together. He never stopped, even when things were bad. He definitely went 3/4 of the way to my 1/4. Changing that is something I need to do. It's not me conforming or losing myself, it's a basic fact in the dynamic of our marriage. It's not good.

With her husband I'm not surprised I got the response I did. I sent him the evidence but he's a really closed off, brash guy. He doesn't like me or my husband. I didn't expect him to be a resource really. I don't want to get into a war of words with him because, really, he has no control over what she does. What's the point of burning him down in an email fight over something he has no control of? She's her own women for better or worse and I have only so much energy for so many battles. I'd rather focus on mine than trying to send him on his.

Thank you for the support guys. It's hard to talk to people IRL. I feel like most of them don't want to help or support me, they just want gossip from the horses mouth to discuss over the water cooler. I don't trust anybody at this point. The thing I can't shake is if so many people knew or suspected, why would they come to me now for details and to give sympathy? Wouldn't they have done it earlier if they cared as opposed to wanting to spread gossip? At least with my husband I know where stuff stands because I can lay out what I need and my expectations and set a pathway for accountability. I can't with other people. I don't want to add chasing down gossip to my list of concerns.

In that way I wish I'd kept it quiet. I didn't realize so much of the focus and attention would come back on me. Silly, right?
Fairchild is offline  
post #104 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 07:10 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5,996
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
This was a wake up call to me though that we really have absolutely nothing in common and I don't ever try to involve myself in his interests when, to his credit, he really does involve himself in mine.

For her it's easy to be fun when you have no kids to worry about. I realized that I spent so much time in survival mode. Wake up, manage kids and all that comes with it, the household, a marriage, a job, and then just trying to make it to the finish line of bed at the end of the day, frazzled and exhausted. In trying to survive all my obligations, making time for each other and I made no effort to do anything with him beyond my todo list and parenting. That's not me when we were dating. I tried all sorts of things just because it meant time together. He never stopped, even when things were bad. He definitely went 3/4 of the way to my 1/4. Changing that is something I need to do. It's not me conforming or losing myself, it's a basic fact in the dynamic of our marriage. It's not good.
There are a lot of husbands out there, myself included, who wish their wives would have this kind of revelation. I think you're on the right track. I know I can almost never convince my wife to engage in any of the things I like to do. You end up feeling lonely and like you're not really on the same team. About the most we do "together" is go out to dinner. But none of the really fun stuff. None of what I would consider the core parts of my self identity.
WorkingOnMe is online now  
post #105 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I've known that was an issue for awhile. I always said to myself "tomorrow I'll make time" or "tonight after the kids go to bed" but then something happens and it's easier to just say "tomorrow" again. I've got years and 2 kids worth of tomorrows behind us. I always meant to try harder there but never really did it.

Meanwhile, every movie I wanted to see and he didn't, he watched. Every restaurant I wanted to try and he didn't, he did. Every vacation, daytrip, special event was always him doing my stuff. I never did anything like that for him and I used to.

So I don't see it as molding myself into what he wants, just picking up a ball I knew I dropped years ago and never picked up.

I don't want him to think I've got this list of demands and I'm doing nothing to show I can help rebuild too. I don't want this affair to be the excuse behind everything. Part of showing I can move on is showing I know I did things that hurt our marriage too. It doesn't justify or excuse the affair but it does show I'm willing to do hard work to move on too.
Fairchild is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Evidence of Affair, need advice throwaway9255 Coping with Infidelity 47 03-20-2017 04:27 PM
A strange affair lostinoh Coping with Infidelity 37 09-20-2016 01:17 PM
Lost, done everything she's asked Lostandhurtandconfused The Ladies' Lounge 47 03-14-2016 11:12 AM
Wife had an affair and does not know if she wants to stay married Frusterated84 Coping with Infidelity 138 12-14-2015 10:32 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome