Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair
I'm not twisting myself in a pretzel to conform to his interests and I don't think this affair is my fault at all. This was a wake up call to me though that we really have absolutely nothing in common and I don't ever try to involve myself in his interests when, to his credit, he really does involve himself in mine.
For her it's easy to be fun when you have no kids to worry about. I realized that I spent so much time in survival mode. Wake up, manage kids and all that comes with it, the household, a marriage, a job, and then just trying to make it to the finish line of bed at the end of the day, frazzled and exhausted. In trying to survive all my obligations, making time for each other and I made no effort to do anything with him beyond my todo list and parenting. That's not me when we were dating. I tried all sorts of things just because it meant time together. He never stopped, even when things were bad. He definitely went 3/4 of the way to my 1/4. Changing that is something I need to do. It's not me conforming or losing myself, it's a basic fact in the dynamic of our marriage. It's not good.
With her husband I'm not surprised I got the response I did. I sent him the evidence but he's a really closed off, brash guy. He doesn't like me or my husband. I didn't expect him to be a resource really. I don't want to get into a war of words with him because, really, he has no control over what she does. What's the point of burning him down in an email fight over something he has no control of? She's her own women for better or worse and I have only so much energy for so many battles. I'd rather focus on mine than trying to send him on his.
Thank you for the support guys. It's hard to talk to people IRL. I feel like most of them don't want to help or support me, they just want gossip from the horses mouth to discuss over the water cooler. I don't trust anybody at this point. The thing I can't shake is if so many people knew or suspected, why would they come to me now for details and to give sympathy? Wouldn't they have done it earlier if they cared as opposed to wanting to spread gossip? At least with my husband I know where stuff stands because I can lay out what I need and my expectations and set a pathway for accountability. I can't with other people. I don't want to add chasing down gossip to my list of concerns.
In that way I wish I'd kept it quiet. I didn't realize so much of the focus and attention would come back on me. Silly, right?