He said one of the things that hurts during reconciliation is a complacency that the betrayed spouse takes on, where they feel that the response to everything is "well yeah, but you had an affair." He said an important exercise for me that will show I'm in a place where I can move forward is by trying to fix my end and see if putting in the work is tinged with the resentment of "well you had an affair."
The book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring covers a lot of these kinds of aspects for both the betrayed and the betrayer. Both of you will have issues the other won't expect.
This is a process which takes time. While it may be smart to not beat him over the head about having the affair, there comes a point where you need to know that he understands the enormity of what he did and he repents. Again this is about the 2 different parts of what has to happen. The infidelity must be healed (Part A), and then the new relationship must be built (Part B).
I think when you get into the "well yeah, but you had an affair" dynamic it could indicate you are feeling he just doesn't get it yet
. He is blame shifting onto you for his affair. You were a bad wife because you ABC, and then the unstated subtext is that is why he wasn't happy and it led to his affair. This shows that you need more healing from his betrayal, and it shows he hasn't yet fully owned what he did.
What might be true and fair is that you did something less than perfect as a wife and it caused him to feel disconnected or unsatisfied in the marriage. This is good stuff for Part B where you work on building a better marriage. We are all imperfect spouses, so let's do our best to have a positive attitude and not get too hurt when discussing how to improve as a spouse.
But that has nothing to do with his decision to cheat. He has to own that, which means he doesn't blame shift or minimize what he did.
It also means it should be clear within the discussion whether you are working on Part A which is healing from his infidelity or you are working on Part B which is learning to be a better couple. Sometimes things get mixed up where one of you is talking a Part A issue while the other is talking a Part B issue.
(Note Part A and Part B are not at all related to the Plan A and Plan B Ele linked to above)