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post #121 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I think the h has been honest, except for the months of cheating he did. I personally think the word honesty associated with a cheater is an oxymoron lol.
At least he did own up to all of it and try to be straightforward.

Things hapoen. Maybe there's a chance it will go better than most cases.....

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post #122 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

@Fairchild, for what it's worth I think you're a really mature and emotionally bright woman.

All I would offer at this point is that you try to keep your responsibility to the relationship compartmentalized from your responsibility to heal from the affair. Healing from the affair is your husband's job to help nurture and encourage. I understand what you meant earlier about picking up a ball that you'd dropped long ago. That is you trying to pick up your 50% of responsibility toward the health of the relationship. Your husband is still 100% at fault for the affair, regardless of whether you believe your negligence led him to it. The man still has a brain, an ego, and private parts and he let all of these things decide for him. You did not make him do anything he did not decide to do himself. I just want you to be sure that you are not charging yourself with fault that is more than your due.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #123 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I'm excited to get the book, I'm just waiting until Monday when he goes back to work. I want to chance to read it without him there. I kind of want this to be in my toolbox and not something for mutual consumption.

Thank you for the feedback and the validation that I'm feeling like I feel for a reason. It's nice to not feel alone sometimes.

Again, I appreciate the concern but I'm not considering divorce or separation.
I agree that you would do best to not let him see what you are reading. Sometimes the WS reads the book and then thinks that the BS is just playing games. It's not games. So keeping your plan to yourself is best at this point.

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post #124 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I think if he had said it to be malicious, then yes, it would be an awful thing to say. But one of the hardest things I have to face is that while my brain wants to hear it as a dig or attack, it's really not. He's answering with an honest but painful statement that was the thread of a thought process to his not only having an affair but justifying it in his mind.

I know you guys won't believe this but truly, this isn't him as a person. He is a good guy. Yes we but heads but even at or worst before this I can honestly say I never stopped thinking he was a good guy. He's a wonderful father and provider. Even when it was hard he was emotionally attentive. This is such a personality fluke that to hard to even believe it's the same guy. I know everybody says that, it's stupid and cliche at this point. In this case it's really true.

The more we meet with our counselor the more understand how his perceived trust violations on my side really messed with him. I'm not saying this as an excuse and neither is he. I guess it's that I now have a deeper understanding of a lot of what was wrong with our marriage: we're crap at communicating. That has given us both opportunities to really fail at our marriage with the affair being the straw that broke the camels back. The thing we couldn't ignore and had to deal with.

I'm really aware this isn't my fault and I'm not taking the blame on this. I know he has work to do. I'm just trying to focus on what I can control. So much of this feels totally beyond my control. I really feel a lot of sanity in working my own checklist. It feels like not so much depends on him and anticipating success to not have my expectations met or dwell on the failures. This way even if everything falls apart I can look at myself in the mirror and say I truly tried without pinning everything on him.
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post #125 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 05:46 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Fairchild,

My situation was very similar to yours. My husband had what he claimed was just an emotional affair, but in reality it's highly likely the affair had become physical. This was 4.5 years ago now. Like you, I could not even fathom divorce. I was so emotional, hysterically begging him to stay with me. Like your husband, mine said that he wanted to leave me. He didn't specifically say it was for the OW but of course that was what he was thinking at the time. We have one child. I work and would have done okay financially if we split. Especially with child support too. But the overwhelming emotions I felt at that time, wow, I was so blinded.

He decided he needed a weekend away to think. He went to see a college friend and his wife out of state. That I can verify, it wasn't to see the OW. He came back and told me "okay, let's give it a try." Wow, what a ringing endorsement of our 10 year marriage at that point. I went to IC, but he refused MC or IC. He supposedly went no contact with the OW, but I was not privy to that phone call. I felt such relief though, such amazing relief that he had "picked me."

The OW was not a direct coworker, but in his line of work and someone he could run into at meetings. I got access to his work email and phone. In the following years I saw that OW had called him at least twice at work. When I confronted on this, he said they were just hang up calls. She also wrote him one email referring a client. That's what I know.

He has since articulated, once, maybe twice, that that whole incident was the worst mistake of his life. And he has said things like "I'm so happy we're all together" (meaning with our child too) quite often. But other than that, he does not want to revisit the affair at all. Rugswept. He has generally treated me well, compliments me, says he loves me, but he works very long hours and is not home a lot. He also at times can have a temper and mood swings (pre-dated the affair), and as a result can be a verbally abusive jerk.

Long story short, like another poster (Bad Memory I think) said here, the relief you feel from having him "choose" to stay dissipates. Then I realized "what the [blank] just happened?", but he was way into insisting on rugsweeping at that point. That's when resentment sets in. The resentment has become a part of who I am. Yet, like you, I see my husband's good qualities as well and have been weighing the good versus the bad this whole time. Part of me thinks it would be unfair for me, after all this time, to just say "you know what, I can't get over what you did." That makes me wish I had ended it at the time.

For me, our marriage has not recovered and never will. Like other TAM members in "false" reconciliations, I have hung in there. Maybe for our child, maybe out of fear. I don't know. Part of me thinks I'm just waiting till our child is grown. Part of me thinks I will catch him in another affair, giving me a "better" reason to end it than I just can't get over what happened in the past. I know that's crazy.

I just wanted to share this with you so you can see what it looks like when a marriage limps along. Like another poster (Deidre) said about some betrayed spouses, I have learned a lot about myself during this period, but obviously I am still very much conflicted. And my husband got away with something with no consequence.

I wish you all the best.
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post #126 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 10:53 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I think if he had said it to be malicious, then yes, it would be an awful thing to say. But one of the hardest things I have to face is that while my brain wants to hear it as a dig or attack, it's really not. He's answering with an honest but painful statement that was the thread of a thought process to his not only having an affair but justifying it in his mind.

I know you guys won't believe this but truly, this isn't him as a person. He is a good guy. Yes we but heads but even at or worst before this I can honestly say I never stopped thinking he was a good guy. He's a wonderful father and provider. Even when it was hard he was emotionally attentive. This is such a personality fluke that to hard to even believe it's the same guy. I know everybody says that, it's stupid and cliche at this point. In this case it's really true.

The more we meet with our counselor the more understand how his perceived trust violations on my side really messed with him. I'm not saying this as an excuse and neither is he. I guess it's that I now have a deeper understanding of a lot of what was wrong with our marriage: we're crap at communicating. That has given us both opportunities to really fail at our marriage with the affair being the straw that broke the camels back. The thing we couldn't ignore and had to deal with.

I'm really aware this isn't my fault and I'm not taking the blame on this. I know he has work to do. I'm just trying to focus on what I can control. So much of this feels totally beyond my control. I really feel a lot of sanity in working my own checklist. It feels like not so much depends on him and anticipating success to not have my expectations met or dwell on the failures. This way even if everything falls apart I can look at myself in the mirror and say I truly tried without pinning everything on him.
I get what you are saying. People have affairs for different reasons. There is a subset of cheaters who are good people who, for some reason, lose their way. Sometimes I think of it was some sort of emotional breakdown. Those are the once who can come back into a marriage and even make the marriage better than it was before.

I know some people like this in my real life. Guys who cheated and who were able to return to their marriage. They never cheated again. One in couple in particular has been married now 17 beyond the affair. They are one of the strongest couples I know.

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post #127 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I get your wholehearted desire to make this marriage work and it is laudable that you now see your role in the possible demise of your marriage. You indicate that his affair is solely his responsibility but I can't help but see from an outsiders point of view your haste in rushing into a reconciliation when you haven't really absorbed fully the enormity of where your marriage is or where in fact your WH is emotionally and mentally.
You come across like a victim in shock, you are constantly rushing forward, hastening for solutions when the reality has not sunk in. In doing so, you are bearing the burden for his affair, your words say one thing but your actions are all saying something else entirely. I am concerned that in your haste you will crash and burn at some point when it finally hits you. You cannot nice this man back, you have to be prepared to lose this marriage to save it. Counter intuitive as it seems, you are currently swimming upstream against very strong currents and are not taking the time to be self aware and actually reflect inwardly instead of outwardly. Your focus is on him, it is laudible that you want to fix yourself but it is fixing yourself in relation to him only. This is not the way to go, you have to fix yourself whether he stays or leaves the marriage, there is a huge difference. If he leaves, what are you left with? That is why some here recommened the 180

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alshere's what I think and there's what he thinks and what I think doesn't matter until he realizes it too. I think it's 100% affair fog. I don't know that he'd say the same. I could say it until I'm purple, but until he realizes it, it doesn't matter what I know or you know or anybody else knows. But what matters to you as an individual does matter

If I were to kick him out I don't know if it would end or not but I do know he wouldn't come back. He says he had girlfriends pull a game of "relationship chicken" with him and it instantly turned him off. I believe that too since the girl before me, the other girl he slept with, told him to commit or she'd break up with him. He said he couldn't right then so she dumped him and he said that killed any chance at a future they had. I almost made the same mistake and I saw how pushing him to the door in the hopes he'd crawl back almost blew everything up. Considering our trust issues, I can't risk it.So you are going to hold onto him at all costs? That does not sound like a great plan

Even then, I also know the affair would go on for at least awhile and I couldn't take him back after throwing him out knowing I gave him unfettered access to her and is only back now because I'm his in case it doesn't work plan. That is why exposure was the first step, make him accountable to all and sundryI don't want him back after he gets it out of his system or it falls apart. It feels too much like putting the marriage on pause so he can explore and then picking up again after his options have run out. I'm not his choice then, even if he does come crawling back. I'm his backup plan because it's easier to go back than start over alone. What makes you think you are not his back up plan now? How do you know he hasn't taken the affair underground?

Plus the mental stuff thaHow do you knt is have to shovel through while our marriage was paused would be just too much for me to even deal with. Especially if he goes over thinking and planning us being done and that's his new forever they enter into financial obligations together, like an apartment together or God forbid a pregnancy.

I can deal with a slip up and a correction, This man has cheated on you willingly, it is NOT a slip up, he is not a child requiring correction. Your minimising of this wholse scenario and the way you talk yourself into believing it is just a blip in your marriage is worryingeven if I force the ball rolling on the correction. An all out pause that's basically a breakup where he puts their life on a trial basis to see if it'll hold water or not and wandering back if it doesn't? It wouldn't matter how remorseful he was. I couldn't do it. Your WH does not need to rug sweep you are doing it all for him.

This really is the best option figuring in what I know about him and what my own limits are. I'd rather he says in a year he didn't want to end his affair but I forced him to and now he's starting to see through the fog into reality and eventually maybe he's glad for the tough love, than him saying in a year I kicked him loose and he tried it and it didn't work and he wants to come back. Or worse, I kicked him loose and now we are over regardless because I gave up first and didn't want to try and the ember that's clearly there in him now that's willing to try is totally squashed.
Your approach could also mean he thinks my wife will be there regardless, I am fed up with her again, let me go and check out what else is on offer. Maybe he is done, have you thought of that?
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post #128 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:52 PM
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Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I get what you're doing and it's an interesting approach. Your narrative describing problems you created in the marriage is revealing.

You seem to be approaching this the same way you've dealt with things in the past - very self-focused, single minded, and with little apparent empathy.

I'm evaluating your self described behavior rather than critiquing your character BTW

You wanted to go off birth control so you just did. Obviously you didn't close the loop with your H because he didn't get the same message.

You spent time with the kid, exhausted yourself and saved no energy for your marriage.

Now you've plotted a course to drag hubby kicking and screaming back into the marriage and cancelling his play dates.

It may work if he's allowed you to bulldoze his wants and needs with yours in the past - and it sounds like he has allowed it.

If you are able to keep him tied to mast long enough, the allure of the sirens' song may well fade and he may get over the "distraction".

When he does you will want to show him with your actions that you prior self-focused ways are on the mend as well.

Good luck


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post #129 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Again, I've chosen to try and reconcile. I'd like some advice on that, not to be told I shouldn't want to and have no pride if I want him to stay.
You have stated this very clearly. You want to reconcile, but this is not about YOU therefore YOU can't fix it. If reconciliation in not a card offered and accepted by both parties, then you can't put that out there. It will get ignored like it has by YOUR spouse.

Learn to fold and let go. You are being stubborn with this attitude. Channel your willingness for fight in order for you to be healthier and better and not for a marriage that has been killed. You can't beat a dead horse back to life

((((hugs))))

The sooner you allow your brain to take over and shut down your heart, you will start healing. If you don't do this, you will be in pain much longer than is necessary and the end result will be the same.

May you get the peace you so desperately need real soon!


You have accomplished nothing except wasting precious years on a dead marriage. It was probably dead a while back but you just can't let it go. I feel sorry for all involved. What a terrible fate awaits.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #130 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:13 PM
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You need to separate the issues- many women want more children while their husbands are reluctant and a second child is not excessive or unusual, IMO. Yes, you both should have had better communication about birth control but that's his responsibility as well.

Cheating on you is an entirely separate issue. I know MANY women in real life who pushed for that 3rd child and their husbands did not use it as an excuse to run out and have an affair.

Stop feeling guilty for your husband's lack of appropriate boundaries around women.

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post #131 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'm not at the point where I want to think the worst of him or this process. I get people would leave or ask him to leave or do 180, but that's not for me and I'm nowhere near thinking that it is. Maybe he'll go back to being the man I married, maybe he's yucking it up with her about how stupid I am. I don't know, but I'm not going to assume the worst until I have a reason to. Even if they are, this is genuinely one of those situations where it says way more about them than me.

I'm now one week past finding out. It feels strange that in just a week it feels like this has been a part of my life forever. So far he's stuck to everything I've asked and he's making efforts towards fixing things. He hasn't shot down joining me at counseling, it's just finding the gap where we can go together consistently is a challenge. But I settled into the new normal of things.

I'm in this spot now where I feel like I have so much to share and talk about and ask, but when I go to talk about it, I've got nothing. I am struggling though with my need for his openness and my need for privacy and how that conflicts with what I'm asking. I am trying to balance a private space to work through things (here, books), but I don't want him to have the same. I'm worried this is a mixed message and against my promise to the counselor and myself to work on my openness. There's a line there, but I don't know where.

I'm also getting back to some of my old hobbies and interests. It has frustrated me more than I thought I would. I've also signed up for some classes. It feels nice to have things to look forward to that aren't something productive.
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post #132 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:01 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I know this is against TAM mantra that the BS shouldn't take the blame, but....

Maybe you can start by talking about what YOU wish you hadn't done. Show the way. Apologize for ending up pregnant when he didn't know that was a possibility. Own that failure to really listen to him and understand where he was coming from. Frankly I think that is the core of his resentment.

Take that bullet. Make no excuses.

Then ask him how he feels about it. And listen.

Give him a chance to be heard.

Only after he has been heard and you have listened without defending yourself or your actions, and have accepted his anger... ask him to talk to you about what has happened to him and how he feels about that.

This is nonstandard advice but you are approaching this "backward" from many people's perspective anyway. Why not be vulnerable to him first and see if he responds?


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post #133 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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I'm not at the point where I want to think the worst of him or this process. I get people would leave or ask him to leave or do 180, but that's not for me and I'm nowhere near thinking that it is. Maybe he'll go back to being the man I married, maybe he's yucking it up with her about how stupid I am. I don't know, but I'm not going to assume the worst until I have a reason to. Even if they are, this is genuinely one of those situations where it says way more about them than me.



I'm now one week past finding out. It feels strange that in just a week it feels like this has been a part of my life forever. So far he's stuck to everything I've asked and he's making efforts towards fixing things. He hasn't shot down joining me at counseling, it's just finding the gap where we can go together consistently is a challenge. But I settled into the new normal of things.



I'm in this spot now where I feel like I have so much to share and talk about and ask, but when I go to talk about it, I've got nothing. I am struggling though with my need for his openness and my need for privacy and how that conflicts with what I'm asking. I am trying to balance a private space to work through things (here, books), but I don't want him to have the same. I'm worried this is a mixed message and against my promise to the counselor and myself to work on my openness. There's a line there, but I don't know where.



I'm also getting back to some of my old hobbies and interests. It has frustrated me more than I thought I would. I've also signed up for some classes. It feels nice to have things to look forward to that aren't something productive.


I hope you know what you are doing because as you said, it's only been a week yet you are back to your old hobbies and have aigned up for classes. This to me sounds like you are not being realistic about your true feelings. Any normal person would still be in shock and dealing with the trauma, not working on hobbies or classes.


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post #134 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

You're in denial ....


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post #135 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

No, there's only so much time I can spend wallowing in this. Some of my most self defeating thoughts happen when he's at work and I'm at home with just the kids. Instead of giving into it, I'm putting the energy into something constructive. I'm creating a discussion that we can have that doesn't center on kids.

I want him to get better. I want him to get better. Finding ways to occupy myself, picking long lost hobbies during times I'd be spiraling seems a good idea. These aren't old hobbies from two weeks ago. They're hobbies pre-kids, things that made me interesting and happy when we were dating. Things we bonded over but stopped making time for because I was focused on kids, house, job, money, marriage, and all the other adult things.

If it's a question of understanding what it all means and feeling hurt, angry, and 1,000 other feelings, just me, I've got them. It's just I don't have the energy or strength right now to give into those feelings all the time. I want to do something besides feel miserable, wonder about my friends, and feel like I'm always being watched and judged.
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