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Found Out Husband Had an Affair

25K views 178 replies 41 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
4 days ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he works with who he has been very close friends with over the last year or so. The physical side only started about a month ago, but 2 months ago I confronted him about his friendship with her and he confessed he thought he loved her. We talked and he said he knew it was wrong and it would pass, he wanted to refocus on us, so he cut off contact with her and really seemed like he was putting himself into our marriage. Things were really on track it seemed until a month ago when he became distant.

He told me he wants to leave to be with her, but I basically begged him to stay. So over the last 4 days he's been here, sleeping on the couch, playing with the kids, and treating me like a roommate. After the kids go to sleep he leaves and comes back only after I've gone to bed and sleeps on the couch.

Yesterday after he got home I confronted him and laid down some ground rules which included ending the affair, not communicating with her, and either she quits or he transfers in the company to the location near his family. He hasn't told me what his thoughts were with that, just contested some things I said I'd do to help ensure he was accountable, like tell his family or his boss. He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said he'd stay either. He hasn't given me much of any answers besides he wants to leave and be with her. Anything he has said is classic affair fog stuff and rewriting our history together. I did try to initiate sex last night and he refused.

I spoke to a counselor today who said I need to take the first steps to show I'm willing to move on, to be honest and less emotionally closed off. I've been told by others on another forum I should do a 180, kick him out, and start the process to divorce, but I'm not into that. The 180 wouldn't work for him and I don't want to divorce. I want to fight for our marriage.

I'm hoping to talk to him tonight, see what his thoughts and feelings are and if he will give us and our marriage the chance it deserves. But right now, I don't know how to talk to him about it. I'm thinking about contacting her husband too, but I'm not sure that won't have the opposite effect. If she's not laying her head down on a pillow with her husband, that means she is laying her head down on a pillow next to mine. I am working on an email to her to confront her about it.

He's supposed to be home any minute, but I don't know how to talk to him about what's going on. Any advice on reconciliation without 180 or divorce is appreciated.
 
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#40 ·
Not outing the OW to her husband?

That is such a completely bad idea. You should out her to her husband because it's the right thing to do. He has a right to know, just like you do.

And you need him as an ally to put a stop to this affair.

Your thoughts on how "gutted" he is..................... YOU ARE WRONG.

He's gutted in front of you, he's gutted because he's missing her. Guess what, he misses her and he's going to see her again. Especially since you won't out the affair to her husband.

There is almost a 100% chance that there will be no real reconciliation here. 2 reasons: He doesn't love you anymore, and the affair is going to continue. He is still protecting her. He's still working with her. He still LOVES her (or thinks he does).

Why do you think he doesn't want you to tell her husband? It's so he can still see her.

Blow this thing up. This woman broke up your family. This woman betrayed her family.
He has a right to know, and you need him to keep his cheating wife away from your husband.

I adamantly advise you to tell her husband.
 
#41 ·
The odds are worse if I don't try.

I think it's far too early to call this a false reconciliation. It's been only just over 12 hours since he broke things off and recommitted to us. I don't expect that overnight things are back the way they were before this. We have to overcome a lot. I have to overcome my trust issues with him and he says he needs help overcoming trust issues with me. We both have starting points and that's what we need to move forward.
 
#44 ·
Wow I feel so bad for the OP for 2 reason. firstly because she is here, it must be awful knowing the truth. Secondly because there is a belief that papering over the cracks will work.

Like many have said, I sincerely hope it does work, but in reality its going deep underground and you won't know it. If they continue to work together, see each other, chat, make time to be alone, it will continue.

To get him to realise what he's done wrong and fix it he needs to lose it. At least if you won't do that please out him to the OMW, she deserves that and it will improve your odds of it working, even if only slightly. Doing nothing and allowing him to get away without any consequences will merely help him continue without fear.

Good luck.
 
#45 ·
I am telling her husband. I'm just not sure how to do it. I'm not friends enough to call him and I was thinking about texting, but I don't want him to get it when he's working. Maybe an email is best. I go back and forth. I don't want to be the one who sends the news but I don't want to do it in a way that's insensitive.

Honestly I'm not sure how far that will even get me. Their marriage has a really weird dynamic. It's hard to explain. He's a standoffish guy. They don't have any kids. They tried for a number of years. She can't get pregnant and they stopped trying about a year ago. Her infertility thing is no secret.

He has trust issues with me, so he says, from some circumstances a few years ago. It's something we worked through at the time that he likes to bring up to deflect from himself and project onto me. He only brings it up when it's convenient to him because there isn't much he can say to explain it rationally beyond "that's what I feel."

Working together is an issue and I'm hoping it's uncomfortable enough that she will quit. Everybody knows what the deal is and to not see each other there will be extremely easy. I have many friends there so it'll be easy to know if they do spend time together. Like I said, I'm hoping the shame of it all just makes her leave since my husband needs the job, she doesn't.
 
#46 ·
It will be easy not to see her there, but also easy to see her.They can have the same lunch hour and met away from there. After all they have done this for ages.

Email is the method I would use. Of course she will deny it to him, but you can tell him that your husband has admitted it.

Did you cheat before?
 
#57 ·
I didn't cheat, no. The circumstances around the conception of our second son is something he has an issue with.

Basically I got baby fever and was ready for another baby, and he wasn't. He said we weren't in a good place and we couldn't afford it and he wasn't ready. I told him I was tired of the headaches on the pill and was going off of it and if he didn't want to have another baby it was up to him to prevent it. He says that he thought I meant I was eventually going off, not that I was going off immediately. Apparently the pill killed my sex drive and going off of it, I ended up initiating a lot. He didn't do anything to prevent getting pregnant so I thought he'd worked through to wanting a baby. I got pregnant very quickly and when I told him he said I had tricked him and because our first child wasn't planned, he accused me of intentionally getting pregnant then too.

It was a rough patch but by the time our second was born he said he had worked through it, but we had gone from having sex 2-5 times a week to once every few months. It didn't bother me really because my hands were full, but he said the reason he stopped wanting sex is because he didn't trust I wouldn't get pregnant again. I think he was even still worried about it when we were intimate yesterday and today because he wouldn't "finish."

I've talked to him about it over and over and he's agreed to try and trust me on that again, but he never really seems to stick with it. He also has some distrust over my handling of finances.

I'd thought about the sex they had and I'll admit I'm kind of dwelling on it now. Really though there's nothing she could have done with him that I haven't done already with him. He has a super high drive and before our second was born, we were really active and open to try a lot of different things. I'm more worried that it wasn't just sex. If that's the case it doesn't matter what they did sexually but what it meant. That's worse.

With their work, it's actually harder for them to see each other than it is to avoid each other. Their employer is really large and they work in totally opposite parts of the building. Because of where her office is (basically a bank vault behind 3 sets of locked doors), be has absolutely no reason to be there. He'd have to go out of his way to find her and he'd have to do it in front of half a dozen people all of whom know. They don't even lunch at the same time. Plus their hours don't overlap all that much generally. Most of the time they saw each other as friends was outside of work or on those days they shared hours and they sought each other out. That doesn't mean that he can stay or she can stay there, but he can keep his promise to not see her really easily. Especially with everybody watching. Hopefully she will agree to quit or he will get a transfer. Family will help us financially I think if we move to save the marriage. Obviously the faster we can do this the better.

I don't want to meet her husband. I think an email and text will be enough. I'm just really thinking about how because he's about to get told something that I found out Monday. I would kill to have found out in a way that wasn't so shocking. They have no kids so there's that, but I don't want to come in like an elephant with the news either. I'll send out something short and to the point that tells him and tells him to keep her from us.

I haven't heard from her yet.
 
#65 ·
I didn't cheat, no. The circumstances around the conception of our second son is something he has an issue with.

Basically I got baby fever and was ready for another baby, and he wasn't. He said we weren't in a good place and we couldn't afford it and he wasn't ready. I told him I was tired of the headaches on the pill and was going off of it and if he didn't want to have another baby it was up to him to prevent it. He says that he thought I meant I was eventually going off, not that I was going off immediately. Apparently the pill killed my sex drive and going off of it, I ended up initiating a lot. He didn't do anything to prevent getting pregnant so I thought he'd worked through to wanting a baby. I got pregnant very quickly and when I told him he said I had tricked him and because our first child wasn't planned, he accused me of intentionally getting pregnant then too.
I don't blame him for having issues with this. It's pretty ****ed up. Having a child should be a mutual decision and it wasn't.
 
#59 ·
He broke up with her over the phone and said basically all that. He owes our marriage and me a chance, he made vows to me, he's ashamed he broke them, so on. He said from that point he wouldn't talk to her, so sending her a letter in top of that when he said his conversation was the end seems counterintuitive. I almost feel the letter has less impact than him sayoingnout of his mouth to her hears what his intentions are. The letter she could say I wrote and he copied or signed. There's wiggle room there for both of them. The phone call though? That's harder. Anything he says can't be taken back without damaging the trust he says they shared. He'd have to say he lied then or didn't mean it or whatever.

I did send her the email already. It wasn't long and I didn't beg with her. I just laid out we were focusing on our marriage and if she intruded again that she was hurting children and risking public shaming as I'd bring every email and text and picture out for the whole world to see. And I said that for how he said what they had was special, the first sign of real resistance and he gave her up and resumed marital intimacy hours later. So at the very least she has questions about how special what they shared truly was since I'm sure she knows we weren't having sex that frequently.
 
#63 ·
He broke up with her over the phone and said basically all that. He owes our marriage and me a chance, he made vows to me, he's ashamed he broke them, so on. He said from that point he wouldn't talk to her, so sending her a letter in top of that when he said his conversation was the end seems counterintuitive. I almost feel the letter has less impact than him sayoingnout of his mouth to her hears what his intentions are. The letter she could say I wrote and he copied or signed. There's wiggle room there for both of them. The phone call though? That's harder. Anything he says can't be taken back without damaging the trust he says they shared. He'd have to say he lied then or didn't mean it or whatever.
Well the phone call is done and over with. So right now, no letter is need. You brought up writing a letter to her and her husband and that was after he broke it off over the phone. I was addressing that. What a letter, if there is one, needs to look like, who writes it. And if it is written he signs it and the two of you both mail it together.

He could also tell her that you made him make that phone call. It happens all the time. They could very likely take the affair underground now. Telling her husband would have the added benefit of having the two of you keeping your eyes on them.

One reason for the letter is that it’s hard to end contact, with contact. A phone call is contact. He tells her that his affair was a terrible thing that he did to YOU? Did he tell her that he is committing to you and your children? This is an important aspect of the letter, that only talks about you and that he hurt you. That he never mentions anything about his feelings for her? Did he mention his feelings for her in the phone call? Did he tell her that he would miss her or anything like that?

Often, a cheater will say that they want to tell their affair partner in person. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. They go off somewhere to tell the affair partner, and it turns into a blubbering “l love you so much but need to end the affair” fest and often ends with sex and plans to take it underground.

I did send her the email already. It wasn't long and I didn't beg with her. I just laid out we were focusing on our marriage and if she intruded again that she was hurting children and risking public shaming as I'd bring every email and text and picture out for the whole world to see. And I said that for how he said what they had was special, the first sign of real resistance and he gave her up and resumed marital intimacy hours later. So at the very least she has questions about how special what they shared truly was since I'm sure she knows we weren't having sex that frequently.
Well it’s done. Except for telling her husband, ignore her in the future.

And please read the book I suggested.
 
#64 ·
OK, I get it. It's a big corp and their work it not related.

My concern was if there is any way that when she gets angry, and she most likely will, if she could bring sexual harassment charges against him. But if he has no authority over her then that's not an issue.
 
#62 ·
Please don't do anything else right now until you get a plan in place. You're going about this wrong. You should not be contacting the OW directly. There is so much more you need to know...your husband will need to change his contact info (cell number, etc.). One text from the OW 2 weeks from now will restart the whole affair. Your husband will be grieving the loss of the OW.

There is so much more you need to know.
 
#66 ·
He did mention the kids too, but I'm trying to kind of keep them out of online discussions. I'm speaking in generalities on them and specifics on the adults. Elsewhere mentioning them too easily steered the discussion towards talking about them in ways that made me uncomfortable.

Sexual harassment charges aren't a worry.

I'll for sure grab the book. Follow the plan in there as best I can.
 
#70 ·
There is no way for you to be certain he isnt in contact with OW still. They work together.. 5 days a week. During the week he spends more time with her then you. You seem to think you can control your husband and his behavior but the truth is you cant. He is going to do what he wants. And he loves her.

You think 2 adults in love and in close proximity have a change of heart because someone said so? Come on!

wake up.
 
#71 · (Edited)
This.

I'd say to really think on this for a while, like others have suggested. Taking him back too soon or leaving too soon, might both not be in your best interest, right now. Look out for you in this, and don't chase your husband. Let him come back to you, let him work towards making amends. You can't make amends for him, and you can't demand amends. You want your marriage to work right now, but you can't do his part. He has to do it, and if his heart is not in it, that's another decision you may have to make, but it doesn't have to be made right now. I hope things get better for you.
 
#75 · (Edited)
I get a lot of you think I should leave, but I've already said I'm not going to give up on our marriage just yet. You guys don't have to understand it, but if you could at least accept it that would be helpful. I don't need to be scolded and shamed because I'm not willing to give up on him or what we've made together.

I don't think what's happened is beyond fixing. That's all that matters considering it is my husband, my marriage, my family, and my life. If I'm wrong that's fine, but I'm not any worse off. If I'm right then I have a marriage and if I'm wrong I'm divorced anyway. I've got nothing to lose by fighting.
 
#77 ·
You really need to get this "fighting" attitude out of your head. YOU chasing him by satisfying his every need for food, sex, and affection---- that will do nothing but drive him further away from you emotionally.
Every single person that ever uses this "fighting for their marriage" statement has ruined what little chance they had by chasing.

This husband of yours is not remorseful in ANY way for what he has done, which is horrible.
IF he actually cuts contact with his AP, which we all know he isn't, he is going to build resentment toward you for ruining his chance at "true love" with his AP.
He will come to see you as a woman that he can have anytime, and he will want MORE.

You have got to blow up the affair, which you have done. Bravo!!!!!!
Now you have to totally wreck his idea that he's too good for you, that he has you at his whim. You are not to be trifled with. You are his wife and deserve his respect.
You should have zero respect for him, and he should be willing to move heaven and earth to get it back.
He's only willing to stay for his kids!
He even denied you sex! That would have put me into a rage...... like YOU are the one that isn't worthy of his ----.

I hope this works out for you, but we e all seen this a hundred times and reconciliation just has no chance with an unrenorseful cheating spouse. If you busted his affair up and chunked him out of the house and blew his world up, there might be a chance he'd appreciate you again and strive to make things right.

I see him actually becoming resentful over you ruining his chance at his "soulmate", and him just slowly starting the hate being with you.

So that's what I worry about for you.
Don't want to see it happen.
 
#83 ·
Again, it has been just over 24 hours since I sat and listened to him break things off with her. There's only so much I can demand he does to prove himself in 24 hours. To get here took longer than 24 hours so to get back will take longer too. Honestly if he had gone to wanting to be gone to licking my boots in 24 hours then I'd feel that's less authentic.

He thinks he loves her and maybe he does. I can't ignore that. Knowing that, any groveling or begging would have seemed like a lie to get me off his back. This is harder to accept but at least believable. If he were anything but sad then is think it was an act.

He came home yesterday and he didn't see her and he spoke to his boss about transferring. There isn't anything available where we want to go in his pay grade but he's on the list and stuff opens quickly. He came straight home and spent the whole evening with us. He said it was a hard day with a lot of questions he didn't want to answer and mostly didn't. What surprised me was a lot of what I heard back was from people who had already assumed they had an affair. People weren't as surprised as I thought. I haven't heard from her and what I did hear from her husband wasn't helpful. He won't be a resource in this at all. My husband has said nothing about me contacting her or her husband.

Today I feel weird. Because of how I found out, I pretty much have the timeline of what happened and how they reacted to it. I want to talk about it, get a timeline, ask a thousand questions, but I'm waiting to get that book. So far he's stuck with everything I've asked and things I haven't, like staying off the computer and leaving his phone unlocked and face up on the charger while we are at home.

Look, I'm a realist. I'm not expecting things to be alright in a week, two weeks, or even a year. I'm absolutely sure there will be setbacks or he will see her or talk to her. I don't think he went from planning on leaving a week ago and in love to out of love and invested in us and she's out of his head. The best I can do is one day at a time and deal with what happens on that day. It's going to be hard for both of us and that's ok. I just want to be able to say I was dealt this hand and I did the best with it I could. I'm tired of hearing about what I deserve and what I don't deserve and how to save my pride and dignity. I can decide what I deserve and honestly life isn't about getting what you deserve, it's trying to make the best of what you get. And I don't think that if telling my husband I'd love him forever two weeks ago meant I had no dignity, I lose my dignity by saying it now. Just like how he feels about her isn't going to end overnight, how I feel about him won't either.

This is a weird time for us and we are just doing the best we can right now. His best doesn't look like much and maybe my best looks like too much. Best we can do is a day, a thought, a feeling, an action at a time.
 
#85 ·
Right guy now? He says no. He says he never loved me like he loves her, but that's classic affair fog stuff. He's rewriting years of history to accommodate one month of an affair. Honestly I don't expect him to say he loves me right now. He's caught in an affair. He has a whole thought process he's used to rationalize the irrational.
 
#98 ·
You are right that what he is saying is classic affair fog. So is re-writing history.

The affair fog is caused by being 'in love'... that infatuation that happens when a person first falls in love. For humans, "in love" means that your brains are producing and up taking a lot of feel good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the amnesia hormone because it is the hormone that makes a person who is in love blind. Once he is away from her long enough, the hormones will subside and he will not even know why he was in love with her. Basically he's on a hormone induced high, much like a junky.

He has you to fill a subset of his emotional needs and he has her to fill the rest. What a lucky guy!! Right? Not!!

If he stays away from her, he'll come out of the fog and then wonder why he did this. You are right that it will take a while, hopefully not too long.
 
#88 ·
Why am I here where? This forum? For support and people to talk to about it. I have nobody to talk to IRL who has experience with this.

I did know that there was an issue but it started exactly when our youngest was born. Up until that week we were intimate 2-5 times a week. He had said that it was because of his trust issues, which makes sense for his line of thinking. I was tired anyway with two kids and all that comes with it so I didn't pursue intimacy as actively as I could have, but when I did it all went back to not wanting to get me pregnant since I wasn't on birth control.

Their affair started a month ago.
 
#91 ·
what I think is going to happen:

Resentment builds from him listing soulmate. Gross.

He stays a while until the OW divorces her husband--- its obvious she is according to how you describe him.

He's going to say "I tried" to make himself feel better about leaving, and you will be devastated.

My suggestion: When they tell you they don't love you--let them go. I assure you that you are going to have to eventually,because he's going to leave you.
He's not staying for the kids. He's staying because he likely can't afford the divorce.

Fact: you are in too much pain to see the truth.
You are in family-preservation mode and are incapable of taking advice (I recognize it because I was where you were once).

You can't fight for a person. They will fight back. You can't will a person to love you. You can't make his home comfortable enough to not make him want his feel-good kick he gets from the OW.

Realize that every glimpse he gets of her puts him right back to wanting her.

I am not being negative, it's just the truth.
Your husband is not going to fall back in love with you. Even if you rocked his world with divorce, he probably wouldn't love you again.

It's just how it is. You are going to be in tremendous pain until you accept that you have to move on.

I know this is falling in deaf ears, but eventually you will understand I'm trying to help you avoid extended pain.
 
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