Found Out Husband Had an Affair - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Found Out Husband Had an Affair

4 days ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he works with who he has been very close friends with over the last year or so. The physical side only started about a month ago, but 2 months ago I confronted him about his friendship with her and he confessed he thought he loved her. We talked and he said he knew it was wrong and it would pass, he wanted to refocus on us, so he cut off contact with her and really seemed like he was putting himself into our marriage. Things were really on track it seemed until a month ago when he became distant.

He told me he wants to leave to be with her, but I basically begged him to stay. So over the last 4 days he's been here, sleeping on the couch, playing with the kids, and treating me like a roommate. After the kids go to sleep he leaves and comes back only after I've gone to bed and sleeps on the couch.

Yesterday after he got home I confronted him and laid down some ground rules which included ending the affair, not communicating with her, and either she quits or he transfers in the company to the location near his family. He hasn't told me what his thoughts were with that, just contested some things I said I'd do to help ensure he was accountable, like tell his family or his boss. He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said he'd stay either. He hasn't given me much of any answers besides he wants to leave and be with her. Anything he has said is classic affair fog stuff and rewriting our history together. I did try to initiate sex last night and he refused.

I spoke to a counselor today who said I need to take the first steps to show I'm willing to move on, to be honest and less emotionally closed off. I've been told by others on another forum I should do a 180, kick him out, and start the process to divorce, but I'm not into that. The 180 wouldn't work for him and I don't want to divorce. I want to fight for our marriage.

I'm hoping to talk to him tonight, see what his thoughts and feelings are and if he will give us and our marriage the chance it deserves. But right now, I don't know how to talk to him about it. I'm thinking about contacting her husband too, but I'm not sure that won't have the opposite effect. If she's not laying her head down on a pillow with her husband, that means she is laying her head down on a pillow next to mine. I am working on an email to her to confront her about it.

He's supposed to be home any minute, but I don't know how to talk to him about what's going on. Any advice on reconciliation without 180 or divorce is appreciated.

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post #2 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Filing for divorce is not what will end the marriage. Finalizing a divorce will. Him choosing to not want to continue the marriage will.

Your job is to kick him off the fence. If you are unwilling to take any measures to do so, he will continue to blow off your demands because he knows the are empty.

In the meantime, you are continuing to enable his fence sitting.

Sorry you are here.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I don't think I'm enabling fence-sitting. I told him yesterday he had to cut off communication, she or he had to quit, and I'd tell his boss if he didn't. I'm crystal clear I want him to stay and so far he is in only the most technical sense. If anything he was off the fence and headed to a greener pasture but I convinced him to stay.

I'm just not sure what to do now that he's still here. I don't know how to talk to him about what he's doing or if he's sticking to what I asked. I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling.
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post #4 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

You can't get the ball rolling. It is HIS choice whether he wants to be with you or her. Just like it is YOUR choice whether you want to tolerate being with a man like that. You can't do anything to control him or make his decision, and vice versa. If I were you I'd discuss with a counselor what you want for a marriage and if he isn't displaying those characteristics then I'd file for divorce. Thinking you can change his behavior by rationalizing and setting ground rules that he doesn't care about won't work.

Sorry you are here!
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post #5 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

"He told me he wants to leave to be with her, but I basically begged him to stay. So over the last 4 days he's been here, sleeping on the couch, playing with the kids, and treating me like a roommate. After the kids go to sleep he leaves and comes back only after I've gone to bed and sleeps on the couch."

Why are you begging? Do you not see how that comes across as weak and desperate especially after your partner has said very clearly that he wants to leave. You need to be objective about the way you interact with your husband going forward. Nobody wants to be with someone who comes across as needy and desperate ESPECIALLY when they have some other hot body they're much more interested in. Yes you have a family and a long history together but if that were enough to get him back, you wouldn't be in this position now.

"Yesterday after he got home I confronted him and laid down some ground rules which included ending the affair, not communicating with her, and either she quits or he transfers in the company to the location near his family. He hasn't told me what his thoughts were with that, just contested some things I said I'd do to help ensure he was accountable, like tell his family or his boss. He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said he'd stay either. He hasn't given me much of any answers besides he wants to leave and be with her. Anything he has said is classic affair fog stuff and rewriting our history together. I did try to initiate sex last night and he refused."

You laid down ground rules. Do you really think he's going to take you seriously when you are begging him to stay? You're the one who's begging, why in the world would he care about your rules? You tried to have sex with your husband who has cheated on you, is ready to leave you and is not remorseful. Your actions come across as someone who has lost their own self-respect and is desperate for things to go back to the way they were. Again, objectivity will help you see your approach is extremely counter-intuitive.

"I spoke to a counselor today who said I need to take the first steps to show I'm willing to move on, to be honest and less emotionally closed off. I've been told by others on another forum I should do a 180, kick him out, and start the process to divorce, but I'm not into that. The 180 wouldn't work for him and I don't want to divorce. I want to fight for our marriage."

You got excellent advice from a professional and others who likely have some experience with what you're dealing with right now. Fighting for your marriage does not equal to grovelling for a man who tells you he wants to leave. You are showing all the signs of weakness when you need to be displaying strength.

"I'm hoping to talk to him tonight, see what his thoughts and feelings are and if he will give us and our marriage the chance it deserves. But right now, I don't know how to talk to him about it. I'm thinking about contacting her husband too, but I'm not sure that won't have the opposite effect. If she's not laying her head down on a pillow with her husband, that means she is laying her head down on a pillow next to mine. I am working on an email to her to confront her about it."

You're going to write to her and tell her what exactly, I know you're sleeping with my husband, stop it? So she can go back to your husband and they can have an inside joke about your desperation?

"He's supposed to be home any minute, but I don't know how to talk to him about what's going on. Any advice on reconciliation without 180 or divorce is appreciated."


If you find any example of successful reconciliation with an unremorseful cheater or a visibly desperate betrayed spouse or without the 180 or any real threat of divorce, please share it and enlighten us. There seems to be no such monkey...
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post #6 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I do not understand why you still want him.

If my husband said those things to me, I would be on the phone to his parents and mine letting them know exactly what was going on. I would then file for divorce and plan on selling the house.

Geez, OP. Have a little pride.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'd respond to this thread, but you clearly wouldn't listen to what I'd have to say.

One thing:
Thousands of others have tried your plan, including me.
Have I mentioned I'm divorced?
And I doubt I would be if I'd have been a stronger person.

Either way I'm better off without the cheating anchor around my neck. You will be, too.
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post #8 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Again, I've chosen to try and reconcile. I'd like some advice on that, not to be told I shouldn't want to and have no pride if I want him to stay.
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post #9 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:57 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Trust the process here. It may or may not result in your marriage being saved. But I think the right answer it to either have a good solid marriage or a good healthy divorce. Your kids deserve to be in a happy household whether it be with both parents or only one. Saving your marriage but being perpetually unhappy is not a good outcome imho.

Two things need to be done since your goal is to end the affair and save your marriage.

1) Expose. This makes the affair difficult for both of them. It puts other eyes on them, and it takes away some of the carefree fun. Exposure also has the OW's husband applying pressure, which helps end the affair.

2) File for divorce. Your state likely has free forms online you can use. Filing will shock him into the reality, maybe. In any case it makes the situation very clear to him that you won't stay in a marriage with a cheater. You can always stop the divorce process at any point. My recommendation is you consult with an atty to be sure you get your bases covered, especially since there are kids involved. Your filing becomes the baseline for any separation or divorce agreement, including financials and custody. You need to do the first filing properly, thus you need an atty. You can hire one by the hour just to advise and review paperwork.


If you don't do these things he has little motivation to end the affair or to work on the marriage. When he fears losing daily access to his kids and paying large amounts for child support then he may start to feel some reality.
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post #10 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:57 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

I'd contact her husband. He won't be happy and might do his part to stop it.

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post #11 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
Again, I've chosen to try and reconcile. I'd like some advice on that, not to be told I shouldn't want to and have no pride if I want him to stay.
Fairchild, JLD hasn't experienced the pain of infidelity and doesn't know you're neck deep in screwed up, horrible emotions.

I'm not surprised at her comment, but were the genders reversed, she'd be asking you what you did to drive your spouse to cheating on you, lol.

The people that are advising you to file for divorce know you want to reconcile. They know how you feel, believe me. What you don't see is that detaching, filing for divorce, and being super strong and kicking your husband out and exposing him and his AP to everyone is the only chance you have of a true reconciliation.

Your plan, I hate to say, has been proven over and over again to be ineffective. One plain and simply CANNOT nice them back.

Listen. Listen. Listen some more.
Everything your emotions will make you do will drive your husband farther away from you.
You begging him to stay is validating his subconscious idea that he's too good for you.

I'm so sorry this happened, but how you deal with it may define you for a few years.
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post #12 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:05 PM
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He's fence sitting. You have no chance of saving your marriage unless you do what the counselor recommended- be very clear in exactly what he will have to do to remain married to you, or you will move on.

There is no in between. There is no "asking his feelings" on the subject. This man is abusing you in the worst way possible. He is betraying his family. He does not care how you feel right now. He cares about himself and his ego kindles he's getting from the OW.

Tell him to tonight that in order to remain married to you he must:
-Send the OW a no contact letter.
-Send his boss and/or HR a transfer request effective immediately.
-Give you full transparency to ALL of his devices and whereabouts.
-Agree to never contact the OW again.
- Agree to no nights apart.

You must expose to family and close friends to get their support for you and your marriage. Expose to the OW family and friends. This will bring the affair into the light and help ensure it's ending- affairs thrive on secrecy. It also sends a very clear message that you are not a woman who will bear his deceit in your marriage and/or protect him from his shameful acts against you and your families.

This is the recommended course of action from Surving an Affair by Dr. Harley. I'd highly suggest downloading the book today.

Depending on your children's ages, you may want to let them know in an age-appropriate way what is going on, especially if they see Dad on the couch.

If your husband refuses or violates any of the above requirements, he must move out of the home so you can protect your mental health. In this case, you must explain why to your children so your husband cannot rewrite history and try to blame you.

"Dad has a girlfriend and it's not ok to be married and have a girlfriend at the same time."

I'm sorry you're going through this.
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post #13 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

It's going to be a very one-sided fight, and I'm sorry to say that at the moment you are on the losing team.

He made his choice. The best thing you can do, for your own sanity and self-respect, is to honor it and kick him out.

He's the OW's problem now.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #14 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

If reconciliation is the path that you will choose, I think that the consensus is that you have to be willing to lose it all to get it back .

Immediate necessity is to end the affair, fastest way to do so is:

1. Expose. Contact OW's husband. Expose to his family. Expose to his employer.
2. File. This will force him to react. Single fastest way to get him back. You don't have to finalize if he comes back.

No need to beg for him to stay etc... just end the affair first and then you can deal with how to (and if) you will reconcile.

There is probably way way more going on than you currently know.
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post #15 of 179 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairchild View Post
Again, I've chosen to try and reconcile. I'd like some advice on that, not to be told I shouldn't want to and have no pride if I want him to stay.
You may want to reconcile but you can't force your WH to do it. You can't reconcile on your own. I think what many are telling you is that if you do 180 and stop trying to win him back, he might just realize what he is going to miss out on. If you continue to do the pick me dance, he is never going to want to come back to the marriage.
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