Re: Found Out Husband Had an Affair
"He told me he wants to leave to be with her, but I basically begged him to stay. So over the last 4 days he's been here, sleeping on the couch, playing with the kids, and treating me like a roommate. After the kids go to sleep he leaves and comes back only after I've gone to bed and sleeps on the couch."
Why are you begging? Do you not see how that comes across as weak and desperate especially after your partner has said very clearly that he wants to leave. You need to be objective about the way you interact with your husband going forward. Nobody wants to be with someone who comes across as needy and desperate ESPECIALLY when they have some other hot body they're much more interested in. Yes you have a family and a long history together but if that were enough to get him back, you wouldn't be in this position now.
"Yesterday after he got home I confronted him and laid down some ground rules which included ending the affair, not communicating with her, and either she quits or he transfers in the company to the location near his family. He hasn't told me what his thoughts were with that, just contested some things I said I'd do to help ensure he was accountable, like tell his family or his boss. He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said he'd stay either. He hasn't given me much of any answers besides he wants to leave and be with her. Anything he has said is classic affair fog stuff and rewriting our history together. I did try to initiate sex last night and he refused."
You laid down ground rules. Do you really think he's going to take you seriously when you are begging him to stay? You're the one who's begging, why in the world would he care about your rules? You tried to have sex with your husband who has cheated on you, is ready to leave you and is not remorseful. Your actions come across as someone who has lost their own self-respect and is desperate for things to go back to the way they were. Again, objectivity will help you see your approach is extremely counter-intuitive.
"I spoke to a counselor today who said I need to take the first steps to show I'm willing to move on, to be honest and less emotionally closed off. I've been told by others on another forum I should do a 180, kick him out, and start the process to divorce, but I'm not into that. The 180 wouldn't work for him and I don't want to divorce. I want to fight for our marriage."
You got excellent advice from a professional and others who likely have some experience with what you're dealing with right now. Fighting for your marriage does not equal to grovelling for a man who tells you he wants to leave. You are showing all the signs of weakness when you need to be displaying strength.
"I'm hoping to talk to him tonight, see what his thoughts and feelings are and if he will give us and our marriage the chance it deserves. But right now, I don't know how to talk to him about it. I'm thinking about contacting her husband too, but I'm not sure that won't have the opposite effect. If she's not laying her head down on a pillow with her husband, that means she is laying her head down on a pillow next to mine. I am working on an email to her to confront her about it."
You're going to write to her and tell her what exactly, I know you're sleeping with my husband, stop it? So she can go back to your husband and they can have an inside joke about your desperation?
"He's supposed to be home any minute, but I don't know how to talk to him about what's going on. Any advice on reconciliation without 180 or divorce is appreciated."
If you find any example of successful reconciliation with an unremorseful cheater or a visibly desperate betrayed spouse or without the 180 or any real threat of divorce, please share it and enlighten us. There seems to be no such monkey...