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Found Out Husband Had an Affair

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#1 ·
4 days ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he works with who he has been very close friends with over the last year or so. The physical side only started about a month ago, but 2 months ago I confronted him about his friendship with her and he confessed he thought he loved her. We talked and he said he knew it was wrong and it would pass, he wanted to refocus on us, so he cut off contact with her and really seemed like he was putting himself into our marriage. Things were really on track it seemed until a month ago when he became distant.

He told me he wants to leave to be with her, but I basically begged him to stay. So over the last 4 days he's been here, sleeping on the couch, playing with the kids, and treating me like a roommate. After the kids go to sleep he leaves and comes back only after I've gone to bed and sleeps on the couch.

Yesterday after he got home I confronted him and laid down some ground rules which included ending the affair, not communicating with her, and either she quits or he transfers in the company to the location near his family. He hasn't told me what his thoughts were with that, just contested some things I said I'd do to help ensure he was accountable, like tell his family or his boss. He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said he'd stay either. He hasn't given me much of any answers besides he wants to leave and be with her. Anything he has said is classic affair fog stuff and rewriting our history together. I did try to initiate sex last night and he refused.

I spoke to a counselor today who said I need to take the first steps to show I'm willing to move on, to be honest and less emotionally closed off. I've been told by others on another forum I should do a 180, kick him out, and start the process to divorce, but I'm not into that. The 180 wouldn't work for him and I don't want to divorce. I want to fight for our marriage.

I'm hoping to talk to him tonight, see what his thoughts and feelings are and if he will give us and our marriage the chance it deserves. But right now, I don't know how to talk to him about it. I'm thinking about contacting her husband too, but I'm not sure that won't have the opposite effect. If she's not laying her head down on a pillow with her husband, that means she is laying her head down on a pillow next to mine. I am working on an email to her to confront her about it.

He's supposed to be home any minute, but I don't know how to talk to him about what's going on. Any advice on reconciliation without 180 or divorce is appreciated.
 
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#2 ·
Filing for divorce is not what will end the marriage. Finalizing a divorce will. Him choosing to not want to continue the marriage will.

Your job is to kick him off the fence. If you are unwilling to take any measures to do so, he will continue to blow off your demands because he knows the are empty.

In the meantime, you are continuing to enable his fence sitting.

Sorry you are here.
 
#3 ·
I don't think I'm enabling fence-sitting. I told him yesterday he had to cut off communication, she or he had to quit, and I'd tell his boss if he didn't. I'm crystal clear I want him to stay and so far he is in only the most technical sense. If anything he was off the fence and headed to a greener pasture but I convinced him to stay.

I'm just not sure what to do now that he's still here. I don't know how to talk to him about what he's doing or if he's sticking to what I asked. I'm not sure how to get the ball rolling.
 
#18 ·
Is he staying for the right reason, though? Do you want your husband to stay with you, but his heart/mind is elsewhere?

Making a lot of demands and threats might scare him to stay, but is that the kind of marriage you want? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself.

I'm sorry this is happening in your life. :(
 
#4 ·
You can't get the ball rolling. It is HIS choice whether he wants to be with you or her. Just like it is YOUR choice whether you want to tolerate being with a man like that. You can't do anything to control him or make his decision, and vice versa. If I were you I'd discuss with a counselor what you want for a marriage and if he isn't displaying those characteristics then I'd file for divorce. Thinking you can change his behavior by rationalizing and setting ground rules that he doesn't care about won't work.

Sorry you are here!
 
#5 ·
"He told me he wants to leave to be with her, but I basically begged him to stay. So over the last 4 days he's been here, sleeping on the couch, playing with the kids, and treating me like a roommate. After the kids go to sleep he leaves and comes back only after I've gone to bed and sleeps on the couch."

Why are you begging? Do you not see how that comes across as weak and desperate especially after your partner has said very clearly that he wants to leave. You need to be objective about the way you interact with your husband going forward. Nobody wants to be with someone who comes across as needy and desperate ESPECIALLY when they have some other hot body they're much more interested in. Yes you have a family and a long history together but if that were enough to get him back, you wouldn't be in this position now.

"Yesterday after he got home I confronted him and laid down some ground rules which included ending the affair, not communicating with her, and either she quits or he transfers in the company to the location near his family. He hasn't told me what his thoughts were with that, just contested some things I said I'd do to help ensure he was accountable, like tell his family or his boss. He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said he'd stay either. He hasn't given me much of any answers besides he wants to leave and be with her. Anything he has said is classic affair fog stuff and rewriting our history together. I did try to initiate sex last night and he refused."

You laid down ground rules. Do you really think he's going to take you seriously when you are begging him to stay? You're the one who's begging, why in the world would he care about your rules? You tried to have sex with your husband who has cheated on you, is ready to leave you and is not remorseful. Your actions come across as someone who has lost their own self-respect and is desperate for things to go back to the way they were. Again, objectivity will help you see your approach is extremely counter-intuitive.

"I spoke to a counselor today who said I need to take the first steps to show I'm willing to move on, to be honest and less emotionally closed off. I've been told by others on another forum I should do a 180, kick him out, and start the process to divorce, but I'm not into that. The 180 wouldn't work for him and I don't want to divorce. I want to fight for our marriage."

You got excellent advice from a professional and others who likely have some experience with what you're dealing with right now. Fighting for your marriage does not equal to grovelling for a man who tells you he wants to leave. You are showing all the signs of weakness when you need to be displaying strength.

"I'm hoping to talk to him tonight, see what his thoughts and feelings are and if he will give us and our marriage the chance it deserves. But right now, I don't know how to talk to him about it. I'm thinking about contacting her husband too, but I'm not sure that won't have the opposite effect. If she's not laying her head down on a pillow with her husband, that means she is laying her head down on a pillow next to mine. I am working on an email to her to confront her about it."

You're going to write to her and tell her what exactly, I know you're sleeping with my husband, stop it? So she can go back to your husband and they can have an inside joke about your desperation?

"He's supposed to be home any minute, but I don't know how to talk to him about what's going on. Any advice on reconciliation without 180 or divorce is appreciated."


If you find any example of successful reconciliation with an unremorseful cheater or a visibly desperate betrayed spouse or without the 180 or any real threat of divorce, please share it and enlighten us. There seems to be no such monkey...
 
#11 ·
Fairchild, JLD hasn't experienced the pain of infidelity and doesn't know you're neck deep in screwed up, horrible emotions.

I'm not surprised at her comment, but were the genders reversed, she'd be asking you what you did to drive your spouse to cheating on you, lol.

The people that are advising you to file for divorce know you want to reconcile. They know how you feel, believe me. What you don't see is that detaching, filing for divorce, and being super strong and kicking your husband out and exposing him and his AP to everyone is the only chance you have of a true reconciliation.

Your plan, I hate to say, has been proven over and over again to be ineffective. One plain and simply CANNOT nice them back.

Listen. Listen. Listen some more.
Everything your emotions will make you do will drive your husband farther away from you.
You begging him to stay is validating his subconscious idea that he's too good for you.

I'm so sorry this happened, but how you deal with it may define you for a few years.
 
#9 ·
Trust the process here. It may or may not result in your marriage being saved. But I think the right answer it to either have a good solid marriage or a good healthy divorce. Your kids deserve to be in a happy household whether it be with both parents or only one. Saving your marriage but being perpetually unhappy is not a good outcome imho.

Two things need to be done since your goal is to end the affair and save your marriage.

1) Expose. This makes the affair difficult for both of them. It puts other eyes on them, and it takes away some of the carefree fun. Exposure also has the OW's husband applying pressure, which helps end the affair.

2) File for divorce. Your state likely has free forms online you can use. Filing will shock him into the reality, maybe. In any case it makes the situation very clear to him that you won't stay in a marriage with a cheater. You can always stop the divorce process at any point. My recommendation is you consult with an atty to be sure you get your bases covered, especially since there are kids involved. Your filing becomes the baseline for any separation or divorce agreement, including financials and custody. You need to do the first filing properly, thus you need an atty. You can hire one by the hour just to advise and review paperwork.


If you don't do these things he has little motivation to end the affair or to work on the marriage. When he fears losing daily access to his kids and paying large amounts for child support then he may start to feel some reality.
 
#10 ·
I'd contact her husband. He won't be happy and might do his part to stop it.
 
#12 ·
He's fence sitting. You have no chance of saving your marriage unless you do what the counselor recommended- be very clear in exactly what he will have to do to remain married to you, or you will move on.

There is no in between. There is no "asking his feelings" on the subject. This man is abusing you in the worst way possible. He is betraying his family. He does not care how you feel right now. He cares about himself and his ego kindles he's getting from the OW.

Tell him to tonight that in order to remain married to you he must:
-Send the OW a no contact letter.
-Send his boss and/or HR a transfer request effective immediately.
-Give you full transparency to ALL of his devices and whereabouts.
-Agree to never contact the OW again.
- Agree to no nights apart.

You must expose to family and close friends to get their support for you and your marriage. Expose to the OW family and friends. This will bring the affair into the light and help ensure it's ending- affairs thrive on secrecy. It also sends a very clear message that you are not a woman who will bear his deceit in your marriage and/or protect him from his shameful acts against you and your families.

This is the recommended course of action from Surving an Affair by Dr. Harley. I'd highly suggest downloading the book today.

Depending on your children's ages, you may want to let them know in an age-appropriate way what is going on, especially if they see Dad on the couch.

If your husband refuses or violates any of the above requirements, he must move out of the home so you can protect your mental health. In this case, you must explain why to your children so your husband cannot rewrite history and try to blame you.

"Dad has a girlfriend and it's not ok to be married and have a girlfriend at the same time."

I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
#13 ·
It's going to be a very one-sided fight, and I'm sorry to say that at the moment you are on the losing team.

He made his choice. The best thing you can do, for your own sanity and self-respect, is to honor it and kick him out.

He's the OW's problem now.
 
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#14 ·
If reconciliation is the path that you will choose, I think that the consensus is that you have to be willing to lose it all to get it back .

Immediate necessity is to end the affair, fastest way to do so is:

1. Expose. Contact OW's husband. Expose to his family. Expose to his employer.
2. File. This will force him to react. Single fastest way to get him back. You don't have to finalize if he comes back.

No need to beg for him to stay etc... just end the affair first and then you can deal with how to (and if) you will reconcile.

There is probably way way more going on than you currently know.
 
#16 ·
Fighting for the marriage with a cheater is like tying your genitals to a southbound train and running north down the tracks.

It's a losing battle from the start and gets painful very fast.

The cheater gets the ego stroke of having two people wanting them. Why would they stop?

Think about how crazy you are about your husband when you were first dating and he asked for your hand. Nothing could keep you apart. You thought about him from the time you awoke until the time you went to bed. This is how he feels about the AP right now.

I disagree with the tell him what it takes to stay married thing. He wants out. Have him leave with your boo print on his ass. He'll respect you a helluva lot more.
 
#19 ·
I don't care what his reasons are for staying right now. If he leaves I have zero chance of working with him on reconciling. Like the counselor said, if he's out the door and we've settled into the separation routine, it will be harder to get any meaningful face time with him. He will be gone.

If he stays, it means he's there and we can work on things. He doesn't have to like me right now, I expect we will both hate each other at various points. But in 5, 10, 20 years, hopefully we will be able to look back and say he came back for the wrong reasons but stayed for the right ones.

Jessica and Re have good feedback. I'll admit I was thinking that exposing it wouldn't do much, but maybe it will. If he says he had contact with her today then I'll start screaming from the rooftops what's going on.
 
#54 ·
Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? You are basically trying to work the plan in the book. I suggest you read it because it will fill you in one some details that you are missing.... helpful details.
 
#20 ·
"If he leaves I have zero chance of working with him on reconciling. Like the counselor said, if he's out the door and we've settled into the separation routine, it will be harder to get any meaningful face time with him."

No, this isn't true if you follow the steps outlined in Surviving an Affair. Exposure crashes the fantasy world cheaters live in pretty quickly. He'll soon realize that staying with the OW means he'll be dealing with a pile of trouble. Right now it's all fun and ego kibbles.

And if your goal is to keep your husband at any cost to yourself, including "share" him with the OW, then I can't help there.

But if you want to save your marriage, he must come to you hat in hand. It won't happen any other way. He will not see you as a prize to win if you play the pick-me dance and sacrifice any more of your self-respect.

You have to get him out of his fog. You should never have to convince someone to love you, but if you blow up his affair you have a shot at making him realize how destructive he's being. Otherwise, his affair can just continue underground.
 
#22 · (Edited)
Sorry, but it sounds as if he's got you exactly where he wants you!

Methinks that he will now take his cheating activities far, far "underground!"

And even if it's still a remote possibility that you want to reconcile, he has to know that you mean business by your enlisting of a good family attorney and filing for divorce!

By filing, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to follow through however, perchance things start to vastly improve between the two of you!
 
#26 ·
He came home and I asked him if he had any thoughts on what I said yesterday. He said no. He said he still wanted to leave. When I asked if he had seen her today, he said he hadn't. Then I said we needed to solve this and the affair had to end. I asked him if he'd stay to give us a chance, a few weeks, a few months, something. He said no. Our marriage was over for awhile and he couldn't get past our issues. I told him I didn't accept that and that I wasn't ready to share our kids with her and I didn't want our kids to lose their family. He broke down and said I'd it wasn't for the kids he would have left awhile ago, he wasn't happy but he didn't know what to do about the kids.

After some back and forth he said he'd stay for the kids and agreed to what we talked about yesterday and the other stipulations somebody mentioned earlier. I told him that it meant he had to not see her and break off all contact and she'd have to quit or he'd have to transfer. He said that wasn't reasonable but he'd break things off with her. I said if he was serious he'd do it right then and there over the phone in front of me, which he did. I'm working on a letter to send her and her husband. I already told my family and his and I called them both out on Facebook so everybody knows.

He's home, he didn't go out (he wasn't going out to be with her anyway just avoid me and dealing with this), but after his call with her he didn't have much to say to me. He's in the spare room because he said he needs space. He's really upset so that's how I know this is real and final. He'll be sleeping in our bed tonight, the first time in about 6 or 7 months. He gave me his passwords to his iPad, forums, and email so I'm going through to find their texts and messages.

He's really taking this seriously, I can tell by how he's acting. I think if we can just get her out of work or move then we will have a real fighting chance.
 
#27 ·
I hope that it's going to be this easy. If he keeps no contact, he's an exception.

I will agree that if there's no contact, there's a chance for your marriage.
I do think once she's out of his head, he will see things differently.

I think the exposure is something you did right.
Youve made it hard for the affair to work now.

That he called her and broke it off and gave you passwords and such is good, too.

However, she's at his job.
And, he has plainly said he Durant want to be in the marriage anymore.

It will be interesting how this progresses.

I do wish you the best of luck.

You do realize there's a chance they discussed this already and planned this outcome?
 
#28 ·
Yes to all of the above. He should have sent a No Contact letter that you previewed and agreed to, stating that he wants to work on his marriage with his wife and save his family.

His attitude of "only willing to stay for the kids" and staying in the spare room does not bode well, OP.

He is not coming to you remorseful and desperate to save your marriage. He's still working with the OW.

Is this really what you want? A marriage with a man who does not feel badly for abusing you? Can you really live knowing that he's not staying for you?

I'd pack his bags now and change the locks. He needs to convince YOU this marriage is worth saving.

Again, I'm so very sorry.
 
#31 ·
He didn't sleep in the spare room or the couch last night. He slept in our bed. We also were intimate last night and this morning which is a really good sign.

I agree that he has to totally break things off with her, and he said he would. On their breakup call he said he was recommitting to me and the kids and there was no way their relationship could continue. I thought about them working this out together beforehand, but with how that call went and how genuinely gutted he was, I don't think they did. I've only seen him cry a few times and I've never seen him fall apart like he did on that call. The ending of it was very real to him.

I know he's staying for the kids right now and that's ok. Staying for the kids gives us a chance to fix things so that eventually he stays for me because he's back in This marriage. The affair fog would have made it impossible for him to pick me as a reason for staying. They only thing that breaks through that is the kids.

We will do counseling, he said he would. I've already seen somebody on my own.

Today I'm sending her a letter and telling her husband and my husband is ag work and knows I'm contacting her, but not outing it to her husband. He says he won't see her and avoiding her should be really, really easy. I can't get him to agree to a transfer though since he'd be taking a pay cut and moving to a more expensive region. He says we just can't afford it. Looking at apartments last night and I did see they cost almost twice what we pay now for ours. I think it doesn't hurt to check. Once his boss knows, it may make it easier to go.

I went through a lot last night and other than what I found before, I'm not finding anything really incriminating. Maybe he deleted stuff but their discussions don't seem disjointed at all and they only talked back and forth on one email chain.

My emotions are all over the place but I feel better after last night. I think there's a real shot here and he seems committed to not contacting her. And everybody knows now so it'll make it harder for them to have moments alone like they did. I'm still on the fence on how much to ask him though. Is it better to know everything, the basics, or to move on?
 
#32 ·
You can't force him to choose.

You can help make the OW a less desirable option.

That said, it is apparent you are unwilling to pursue any course of action that risks a marriage that is already dead.

One more thing: get tested for STD's. Affairs are notorious for unprotected sex.

Good luck, OP.
 
#34 ·
I'm at a point now where things have settled down and I have a chance to think. I have so many questions, but I worry asking will cause him to reminisce about the experience. I want answers, but not if it means he starts thinking about what happened fondly.
 
#36 ·
Until he can see that all the suffering was caused by his errant desires and poor choices, the other path will always be tempting. Somewhere, some way, he needs to see that his "not happy for a long time" is more about his fall, than the marriage's fall.

Humility is an incredible 2x4... once seen at face value, he will have an incredible amount of remorse to deal with, anybody conscious of the extent of pain they delivered like that will. In order to grow from such, we have to work through it as it stands. You may feel you want to try to soften it for him because you will see his pain in it as well, but it may be best to remember that while you both hurt, there is ownership in his actions and he needs to be able to come to terms "un-sugarcoated" so he can fully understand how detrimental the way he went about his desire was.

I applaud your forgiving heart, please remember that in our own humility that we cannot set aside some pride without reinforcing it with something else, such as boundaries. You have set them well to start, but there may be a time he falters as he juggles his emotions why he stumbled to begin with... if he cannot see your boundaries as clearly as you, and the outcome of crossing them, then his line of unmindful departure may trip, and trip again as he relearns to respect himself.

Respect is so important here... if he cannot have it for himself, he cannot have it for you and I see this as a first hurdle. If you can work together to show it's value, that it is always available with the right mind, that we can all be worthy of it even in times of coming to terms and understanding our incredibly poor choices, then there will be clarity of all he has to commit to fix this.

It can be done... we all fall, it's how we pick ourselves up that makes the difference.

Peace be with you.
 
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