You own your part in the marriage for sure but make no mistake there is never an excuse for an affair. Your wife isn't perfect either but did you go out and bring another woman into your marriage.
You've got the Mr Nice guy syndrome which will get you walked on and zero respect. That and letting yourself go is probably why you are where you are.
You'd better wake up.
Youre just making excuses hoping it'll all just go away and you won have to do anything. It won't
Read it and apply it to your life http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...yINnP1YlrN5GI-
In 2011-12 and 2015 I cheated on my wife. The first time we were not married, the second time we were. The first affair was with a 'childhood' ex-girlfriend of mine that I dated 20 years ago. I was working with her, due to the nature of our jobs we worked nights alone with each other. She has always had a special place in my heart, was recently broken up with and one thing led to another. It went on for about 6 months before my wife (then girlfriend) found out. I quit that job and stopped talking to her. We started MC. This is why I said I know first hand that ex's can be trouble. In 2015 I had a few ONS.
Me hurting her goes further than hurting her over issues I was unaware of. I straight up betrayed her, and that may be coming back to bite me in the ass.
I'll read that, because I get bored at work, but I don't think I'll I'm a nice guy. Just guilty as F and trying to let her get away with whatever she wants to make up for it.
The texts are just nice so far...
By the time they get sexual, you have already lost.
Nip it in the bud. If she gets defensive, make sure you have at the ready a good description of an emotional affair. From my reading, most involved in emotional affairs do not understand that IT IS AN AFFAIR. It is a betrayal, a breach of trust and completely disrespectful. That has to be made clear to her, if she is unhappy, let her know that she is welcome to walk straight over to her friend. Let him be blessed with a cheating spouse.
You appear to be frightened of confronting this. You say that you would be taking a dear friend from her. I disagree, you are removing an impediment to your marriage. There cannot be three people in your bed. If she is emotionally dependent on him, then you have already lost her.
You're right. And they could quickly turn sexual. I have no clue what goes on when they FaceTime. It could be anything from just innocent talking to video sex. I've never seen her FaceTime with him while I'm home, though to be fair she doesn't FaceTime with anyone but family while I'm around. I did some research and it seems that a lot of people in emotional affairs don't realize it's cheating. I'll have to talk to her about it.
Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
You better read the above. This thing with her ex is NOT normal NOR acceptable. And in case you have not figured it out, six hours is not another continent so i would not bet your 401K with this kind of texting going on that she has not seen him in eight years. As a matter of fact, I WOULD bet money that she would refuse to take a polygraph test to validate that statement.
Time for you to stop playing ostrich.
You are correct, that 6 hours is not an impossible drive. Especially with his brothers living 2 hours away from us, and he'd have to drive through our city on the way. I'd notice if she were gone for 12+ hours, though. Of course he could come down this way and I'd never know. Their messages had a lot of "I wish you lived closer, I miss seeing you" type messages. I do need to talk to her about it.
Seems more like she settled for him because she could not have this other guy and OP never or only a short amount of time had the pole position in her heart.
She sounds just like another case of someone that desperately needs therapy to help her sort her issues out. Rape as a child, NISA, idolization, triggering etc, that's basically a life-long patient.
She is in therapy, she has been going for as long as I've known her. She's had brief periods of quitting but always goes back to it.
The thing that gets me is that there isn't really anything holding her back if she really wants him. Yes we're married but people divorce all the time. She'd be financially fine on her own. We have a child, but you shouldn't stay together for the child. The only thing that I can think of is HE doesn't want HER. If I remember correctly, they were childhood friends, she was raped, they became very close for the next 2 years, then dated for a year, then he broke up with her and they remained very close friends for a year, then he enlisted.
Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Rape is awful period. You cannot feel guilt for your actions if YOU DO NOT KNOW the problem you created. Seriously dude, she was raped, not by you, but you are going to shoulder the "hurt" for something you didn't know? Honestly, you know your thinking is wrong. A simple "honey, don't pee in front of me" is much better than you reading texts to find out what problems exist in your marriage. Even worse is finding out she is confiding in a guy she had a previous relationship with. Yes, even if said guy is an old friend who helped her through a traumatic time, it is still wrong. Do you realize how unhealthy of a marriage you have if you two are communicating problems through texts to another guy?
Let that slowly sink in. You two can't communicate with each other, so you do it through an intermediary.
She needs more counseling and you both need a marriage counselor. Stay this soft and you might end up with the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech.
You are absolutely right that we have poor communication. I always knew that our communication wasn't great, we've been in MC on and off for years, but I didn't know it was this bad. In the texts she told him that I'm too "oblivious" to the things that I do. She needs to stop talking to him about our problems and talk to me. I'm the only one who can fix them. Honestly, reading through those messages shows me how much I do that bothers her. I don't know how she expects them to get better if she won't tell me, or even the MC.
I have, unfortunately, hurt her more than just not knowing about her triggers by cheating on her.
Gang raped at 14 years old. In a relationship with OM for 4 years after that (18 year old) then he moves away/joins army. You enter her life at 19 yr old. Have a child at around 21 yr, then marry her at around 26 yr even though she has been talking texting OM the entire time and was hesitant to marry you. Been married 3 years and you have seen or heard her say she wishes he had been her first sexual experience after the rape and that it would be easier to have sex with him than you. She is obsessed with all things military and OM is in military. Is this about right?
He is the one that got away. You are the Plan B, the consolation prize she married grudgingly because he was not available but she continues her relationship with him by phone, email, and text. This is much more that a simple friendship and given half a chance she will go with him.
You have to get into some serious MC to save your marriage. Since OM has been her hero and confidant since she was 14 yr old, it may be impossible.
Yup, that's about right.
That sucks to hear and to let it sink in, but you are probably right. She mentions him from time to time. One time when we were hanging out with friends someone said something about armoured soldiers that I guess was incorrect. She immediately spewed out a ton of information like it was her own job. Then just said she had an ex with that job and quickly changed the subject.
So back to MC we go... But you're right... She may be too obsessed with him to move on from him.
Dude you need to get your excrement together. You have very fit young wife and you're 50 lbs over weight, dressing drab, and working nights? If she's not already cheating with a guy at the gym, she is very vulnerable to a smooth player swooping in. A fit 29 year old woman wants a strong, confident man to bang her often. But you're wife is disgusted by you.
Get your but into a gym to get into shape. Once you're into shape, I also recommend that you take up a martial art. The confidence you'll gain from being fit and knowing you can defend yourself will boost your confidence.
Also, you need to get another job ASAP. Having a young hot wife at home alone at night then having her see you sleep during the day is KILLING her feelings for you.
I guarantee you, that if you get in shape, get involved in a vigorous sport, get your clothes, hair, hygiene, ETC on point, and get a day job. Your marriage will turn around and you'll have a wife who's going to enthusiastically offer herself to you.
Go read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. An excellent guide on becoming a better man to improve your marriage. I also recommend that you look up the Starting Strength routine by Mark Rippetoe to guide your workout.
DO THESE THINGS TODAY.
I'm an emergency responder, so changing my job isn't that easy. Everyone wants day shifts, many people have to alternate days and nights which is hard to do. So I work 12 hour night shifts. It's not ideal, I know but it's what I've got to work with right now. My wife hates it. Between her schedule and mine, it feels like we never see each other.
To be honest, and it's stupid in hindsight, I have never thought of her cheating with someone at the gym. She goes 5x a week. Her workplace has hundreds of employees, any of them could be banging her. I work all night, anyone could be in my house at night.
I will read that book. I know that I need to work on myself, I lack the motivation.
raised an excellent point. Why did it take you 7 years to marry her? She's good enough to have a kid with but you hesitated on marriage? She should have been your wife BEFORE your kid was born.
As soon as she was pregnant and you both decided to have it, your very next action should have been to propose. She had to go through the whole pregnancy and the baby/toddler years as a girlfriend. That was not forgotten. Then years later, you want to make an honest woman of her? Not surprised that she was luke warm. Especially if her "friend" is possibly telling her "
if you were having my baby, I would've married you."
But there is nothing you can do about the past. You can only move forward. Get your stuff together ASAP. Your marriage is in trouble. To be honest, there could be a local guy that she's talking to. You're so focused on this guy that you're letting your guard down on a local guy. Especially someone at the gym.
I repeat. MOVE with some urgency. Get your sh.. together.
Our child was unplanned. She was (or was supposed to be) on birth control. When she got pregnant I wasn't ready to marry her and didn't want to get married just because a baby was coming. She really wanted me to propose at the very least, and that's my fault for not doing that for her. After our child was born we had a rough patch which involved me cheating on her. Marriage was moved off the table. We went through MC for 2 years then married.
I know that I hurt her by taking so long to propose. We had some friends that had kids around the same time, they all got married. She was literally the only one who didn't and everyone asked when she would. She felt like she was at my mercy with that, I had all the control.
Like someone else said, you could be right. I've been so focused on this guy, 6 hours away, that I haven't even considered the men she sees daily at the gym or work.
I usually agree with you Chap, but you are dead wrong saying that there is any brotherly feeling involved between her and the other man (OM). No way she could be telling the OM that she wishes that he was the first person that she had sex with, and that even today sex with the OM would be easier for her than sex with her husband. Sorry that is not how you talk to a brother. No way, no how. This is in fact a full blown emotional affair (EA), where the common run of the mill excuse that the OM is like a brother is being used.
I agree that she does not see him like a brother. She was in love with him, maybe still is. She told him that sex with him would be easier than sex with me because he knows everything and what not to do. I'd know that stuff as well if she'd just TELL ME. I'm furious at her for not understanding that. He responded to that with "I would have taken such good care of you. I always wished we could have been intimate but the timing was not in our favour". In my world he crossing the line more than my wife is, but that's stupid thinking. I'm just trying to throw the blame to someone other than my wife.
I didn't know they were talking as much as they do. When we talked about previous relationships she said (and still says) that in hindsight they didn't have a relationship. She claims the farthest they went was quick pecking kisses, not even making out. Their relationship as best friends, to BF/GF and back to best friends never changed - just the title changed. Whether she really believes that or not, I don't know. I'm thinking no and she was just using it as a cover up. Based on the texts, I'm 99% sure they have not been intimate (yet).
I need to confront her about it. I've made my own mistakes in our marriage, probably worse than hers, but that doesn't give her an excuse to do this. If she wants this marriage to work then we need to discuss this, she needs to drop him as a friend and she needs to learn to talk to me and lean on me. Or hell, at least talk to a therapist about this.