My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:12 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Why exactly did you decide to leave the fact that you are a repeat offender cheater out of your story?!?

Drone on and on whining about her talking to her KISA, when you did SO much worse to her over and over?
I've got no help for you dude. In fact, she should go be with him!! You can't even be honest to a bunch of strangers on the internet. How in the world must she feel?

Your one lucky SOB that she is even still with you...


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post #32 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:44 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
I originally left out the cheating because I knew if I said I cheated on her I would just get told to divorce her, that she deserves better, that I deserve to be cheated on as well, that this is all caused by my cheating and she has done nothing wrong, etc. I realized that was wrong of me and I posted the other half of the equation. She knows about everything that I have done. She chose to stay and to go to MC. She had cold feet before (and after) I cheated.
Oh I see you left out a minor detail, like being a serial cheater. You fooled us like you fooled your BW.
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post #33 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
Why exactly did you decide to leave the fact that you are a repeat offender cheater out of your story?!?

Drone on and on whining about her talking to her KISA, when you did SO much worse to her over and over?
I've got no help for you dude. In fact, she should go be with him!! You can't even be honest to a bunch of strangers on the internet. How in the world must she feel?

Your one lucky SOB that she is even still with you...
I left it out because I knew this was the type of response I would get... Yes, I cheated on her. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I've paid for those mistakes and still am. Even though I cheated, if she is cheating that still does not make it okay. My own past makes me more willing to work on this, she did it for me when I betrayed her.

Either way, I'm going to have to talk to her today. Even if she isn't cheating, she is confiding in a man other than her husband. Every time our relationship takes a hit, she runs back to him. When our relationship is good, he's out of the picture. She isn't innocent here. I'm not either, I'm more than aware for that and I pay for it every day. I looked up her gym log last night, she's been going twice a day for the last 9 months though she tells me that she only goes in the morning. Our schedules allow me to be completely unaware of her day.

I will regret cheating on my wife every day for the rest of my life. I probably deserve to understand how she felt. That still doesn't give her a free pass, though. Her ex needs to go. She should probably switch an an all women's gym as well, we have a couple.

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Oh I see you left out a minor detail, like being a serial cheater. You fooled us like you fooled your BW.
I said that I hurt her, and I said that we had rough patches. I didn't totally leave it out or ignore it. I didn't want a series of responses that all followed the same pattern of, I did worse to her, I don't deserve her, I deserve it, she should be with her ex, I'm just shifting my own guilt and she's doing nothing wrong. I realized that was wrong and corrected myself.
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post #34 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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I said that I hurt her, and I said that we had rough patches. I didn't totally leave it out or ignore it. I didn't want a series of responses that all followed the same pattern of, I did worse to her, I don't deserve her, I deserve it, she should be with her ex, I'm just shifting my own guilt and she's doing nothing wrong. I realized that was wrong and corrected myself.
It's not even about that. With your cheating you destroyed her trust in you and to cope with that she goes to the only person that did not let her down, her friend. You are no longer the guy she can come to with her problems, the other guy is. Could be that they were smart enough to not have sex as teens because that would have probably destroyed the relationship they had and still have.

Would you be with her if you did not have a child with her? Because your story sounds more like you wanted to have sex with her and worked for it for years and after you had her you had problems to commit to her.

You should ask your wife the same question.
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post #35 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Ok, I'm going to admit my ignorance: What the heck is "NISA?"
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post #36 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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It's not even about that. With your cheating you destroyed her trust in you and to cope with that she goes to the only person that did not let her down, her friend. You are no longer the guy she can come to with her problems, the other guy is. Could be that they were smart enough to not have sex as teens because that would have probably destroyed the relationship they had and still have.

Would you be with her if you did not have a child with her? Because your story sounds more like you wanted to have sex with her and worked for it for years and after you had her you had problems to commit to her.

You should ask your wife the same question.
He dumped her without giving her a reason and she was heartbroken, so I wouldn't say that he has never let her down. I was never the guy that she came to with her problems, that's the problem. Even before I cheated, she went to him.

They didn't have a speck of intimacy because she was too broken. I'm sure he tried. It took her 2 years to have any intimacy with me.

If we didn't have a child I wouldn't be with her no. But we do have a child so that's irrelevant. She was suppose to be on birth control, yet got pregnant within 3 months of having sex. I have suspicions that it was not 'unplanned' but have no proof of that. When I met her, I wanted to fix her, save her, whatever other phrase you'd like to use. Yes, I had regrets but that is beside the point. That is my family, which yes I have hurt but I have also worked hard to keep our family together after I destroyed it.

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Ok, I'm going to admit my ignorance: What the heck is "NISA?"
Knight In Shining Armour.
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post #37 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Knight In Shining Armour.
So that would be KISA then.
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post #38 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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So that would be KISA then.
Never said I was smart. Actually had to look up how to spell 'knight' because my brain wasn't getting there.
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post #39 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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He dumped her without giving her a reason and she was heartbroken, so I wouldn't say that he has never let her down. I was never the guy that she came to with her problems, that's the problem. Even before I cheated, she went to him.

They didn't have a speck of intimacy because she was too broken. I'm sure he tried. It took her 2 years to have any intimacy with me.

If we didn't have a child I wouldn't be with her no. But we do have a child so that's irrelevant. She was suppose to be on birth control, yet got pregnant within 3 months of having sex. I have suspicions that it was not 'unplanned' but have no proof of that. When I met her, I wanted to fix her, save her, whatever other phrase you'd like to use. Yes, I had regrets but that is beside the point. That is my family, which yes I have hurt but I have also worked hard to keep our family together after I destroyed it.
Fact is you don't know what happened in their relationship. Maybe she didn't want to have sex, maybe he didn't want to have sex with a girl he helped getting over her rape. Maybe they didn't want to introduce sex into their relationship or whatever.
Also fact is that they both seem to pine about the missed opportunity which is a bad sign.

So apparently he is her coping mechanism from the start. Therapy should have addressed that long ago, it's just not healthy. Why have you started and continued the relationship if he was always there? It seems to me that you both got into the relationship for all the wrong reasons there are in this world. Maybe it's time to let the curtain drop and end the charade.

Family is just a word, a definition, emotions and actions in the so called family either make it one or they don't. In your case I tend to the latter because of how you both are acting throughout your relationship. But it's ultimately your decision. You need to talk to your W about the state of your relationship as a whole, you either do that now or after investigating if she is having some kind of affair at her gym. But don't waste too much time.
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post #40 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

This evening I tried to talk to my wife about our marriage and her behaviour, she was lying through her teeth. I didn’t tell her that I knew she was lying, I just went with it. It was incredibly hard to do that and not lash out at her. When I cheated on her, I told her everything. The least she can do is offer the same courtesy. She forgave me for cheating. Every time, she forgave me. Previously I thought I could offer her the same forgiveness but I don’t know if I really could. If it’s purely emotional then maybe but if it’s gone physical, with anyone, I might be done.

We have security cameras that I was suppose to install months ago and never got around to it. I put one in our bedroom in a place were she won’t notice it. I work nights so she could bring anyone home for the night and I’d never know. If she has someone over I will know. If she calls someone, I know she FaceTime’s her ex regularly, I’ll be able to see/hear that.

She has been going to the gym twice as much as she tells me. And more than she even needs to. Who needs to go to the gym in the morning, afternoon and run 5 miles around the neighbourhood? The gym she goes to has a website with an online log, she uses the same passwords for everything so I can login and see when she is there. I might give her a surprise visit tomorrow.

I logged into her Facebook and looked at her ex's brother's facebook pages. They have posted pictures with her ex 5x in the last 15 months. The pictures say where they were taken which proves her ex has been coming down this way every 3 months. Around the time the pictures were posted the chatting slowed down or skipped a few days.

She obviously isn't going to come clean. I don't look at her the same anymore. Like what, is she having gang bangs at the gym every day? She is supposed to be sooo frickin' traumatized from her rape. Not acting like it now.


Last edited by natsanjose; 03-29-2017 at 07:51 PM.
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post #41 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 05:13 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA

Trauma has weird ways of coming out. She hid sex but perhaps 'owning' sex is another coping mechanism.

I'm not sure that her having a physical affair in addition to her ex boyfriend smells right to me. I usually start with the most likely scenario.

The most likely scenario is she shut down after your second set of affairs. The marriage was saved but the love was not. I think this ex, while absolutely an affair, is more of an awkward outlet for her emotions. You cannot be trusted and neither of you ever put in the work to rebuild that.

You do need to find out if this is an affair but you also need IC to help you repair some of this damage. You may be trying to repair something that isn't there

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post #42 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Its really hard to determine who the real lying cheating immoral scumb@g is here actually! Jeez! "At least I told her everything when I got caught cheating (many times)"!!!!! Indeed! You really need to fix yourself before even trying to understand why she is trying to get away from you and is cheating.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause

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post #43 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
I read about emotional affairs and some of the signs are there. She isn't secretive with her phone really. If I ask to use it she will let me but takes a second to give it to me usually. Same with her laptop. If I want to use it and and it's in another part of the house, she always goes and gets it and takes a minute. She isn't deleting their conversations, they go back a long ways. But she could be deleting certain messages or history. Of course the opposite is possible, she isn't hiding anything and takes a minute to give it to me because she is legitimately doing/reading something.

Our intimacy has taken a pretty big hit. When she was pushing for marriage, the first half of our relationship, things were great. Then they dipped and it felt like we were roommates. No kissing, no cuddling, no dates, limited sex, fights. We had some issues that caused that, mostly my fault. This may have started way back then. It's also when she totally stopped pushing for marriage and when I brought it up either stalled or straight up said she didn't want to (yet). Things eventually got back on track, and we married. Things were good for a bit. A year into our marriage we had another issue and our marriage went into the dumps. We've been working on it since, it's a lot better but not were it use to be. I don't know if my behaviour is to blame, hers, or both.

When we kiss she tends to pull away, she says it's because my facial hair irritates her skin (wasn't an issue before). When we have sex she participates but her face screams that she doesn't want to be there. Whether that's her past or this guy causing it, I don't know. She has told the other guy that it would be easier to have had sex with him than me. We rarely go on dates, our schedules conflict a lot with me working nights and weekends. She wants to.

So I need to tell her that she needs to stop contacting him? It's what I, or the jealous side of me, wants but at the same time I feel guilty for forcing someone out of her life who helps her. She is in therapy as well.
I'm a few pages behind, so I apologize if any of this is repetitive.

She's having an emotional affair, but not a traditional one, if that makes sense.

Like it or not, she has a strong bond with this guy for a very legitimate reason. And that reason makes it almost impossible to pry her away from him.

In reality, you should have taken his place, in regards to a shoulder to lean on, but that hasn't happened, and it's, IMO, difficult to fault her. He was there.

Look, there's a reason they never really formed a real relationship together. I don't know what it was, but it's there. My assumption is that he is alternately her KISA and a reminder of a very dark time, rolled into one.

That said, a good therapist or counsellor or psychiatrist would likely recommend she try and transfer the level of trust she has in this guy to you. I am none of the above, but I imagine having a third party non-therapist (etc.) person as her rock, as opposed to her husband is not all that healthy, opposite sex or not.

All that said, these are very extenuating circumstances, and do not fall into the normal EA spectrum, IMO.

To be fair, she should NOT be discussing any marital issues (or complaints) with this guy. Talking about her prior terrible experiences - yes. The trust she has in him because of that is undeniable, and she obviously still requires it, and may always require it. But talking about you, or the marriage - no, absolutely not.

That needs to be addressed, IMO, but choose your words carefully and focus only on the discussion of your marriage to her. They may have an extremely close relationship, but that's not an excuse to discuss pet peeves and marital issues.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #44 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:24 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

She has already detached from you and is probably preparing to leave.

If I read your post correctly, her ex has possibly been with her several times already.

It doesn't really sound like you love her if you are only with her because of your child.

If you loved her, I could give you advice to fight for her.

How devoted are you to keeping your marriage to her?

It is going to take a lot of effort from you to get it heading in the right direction and it still might not work.
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post #45 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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I left it out because I knew this was the type of response I would get... Yes, I cheated on her. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I've paid for those mistakes and still am. Even though I cheated, if she is cheating that still does not make it okay. My own past makes me more willing to work on this, she did it for me when I betrayed her.

Either way, I'm going to have to talk to her today. Even if she isn't cheating, she is confiding in a man other than her husband. Every time our relationship takes a hit, she runs back to him. When our relationship is good, he's out of the picture. She isn't innocent here. I'm not either, I'm more than aware for that and I pay for it every day. I looked up her gym log last night, she's been going twice a day for the last 9 months though she tells me that she only goes in the morning. Our schedules allow me to be completely unaware of her day.
After having read the rest of your thread, my above response still applies, but with the significant addition of this:

She is literally the only man in the world that she trusts, and trusts completely. Her past and your subsequent actions have made it this way. And, although I felt badly for her before, I feel even more so now.

My advice, honestly, is end this. For her sake just as much as yours. You will never, never, never gain the trust she has for this guy, ever. You were already at a disadvantage from the get-go with this, but having been unfaithful to her (twice) has completely taken that out of the equation. You had a chance at one point, and now it's gone for good.

People who have gone through this kind of trauma absolutely require somebody they can trust (as much as they are able to). You have shown that you are not it. For 15 or so years, he HAS.

It can be completely amicable. You can still co-parent. Everybody will be happier.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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