My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:01 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
After having read the rest of your thread, my above response still applies, but with the significant addition of this:

She is literally the only man in the world that she trusts, and trusts completely. Her past and your subsequent actions have made it this way. And, although I felt badly for her before, I feel even more so now.

My advice, honestly, is end this. For her sake just as much as yours. You will never, never, never gain the trust she has for this guy, ever. You were already at a disadvantage from the get-go with this, but having been unfaithful to her (twice) has completely taken that out of the equation. You had a chance at one point, and now it's gone for good.

People who have gone through this kind of trauma absolutely require somebody they can trust (as much as they are able to). You have shown that you are not it. For 15 or so years, he HAS.

It can be completely amicable. You can still co-parent. Everybody will be happier.
This ^^^^ natsanjose, about the best that you can do.

As for having to drag details of the relationship out of you, all that I can say is that one does not go to the doctor, tell the doctor about some symptoms but not all, and then expect to get a decent diagnosis.

One can't come here, give part of the story, and then expect to get good advice.

Everyone knows that rape is traumatic. A rape victim who later becomes a victim of infidelity will generally never recover from that betrayal, because they tend to look sexual intimacy differently than others.

Once you cheated on her, her feelings about sex with you most likely changed from something that was loving and intimate, and yet stressful to a degree because of a feeling of vulnerability, to exploitation for your personal gratification.

Cheaters have no business making vows to anyone, but even more so, with victims of sexual assault.

The reason that you left out key details to begin with, was because you knew what the responses would be. I don't know why you'd want advice based on a false premise, as that type of advice is worthless.

Yes, it is better that you moved on. You destroyed an already fragile person with your infidelity. Sorry.

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post #47 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
When I cheated on her, I told her everything. The least she can do is offer the same courtesy.
Foot in mouth. You did NOT tell her everything. You only told her you cheated. Not with how many women you had one night stands with.

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Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
-In 2015 I had a series of one night stands with other women.

-I told my wife that I had cheated on her, though I didn’t tell her with how many women.
You expect more of your wife than you are willing to give her. Perhaps she is on to you and that's why she is seemingly done with your marriage. I know I would be.
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post #48 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Yes, I cheated on her. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I've paid for those mistakes and still am.
When people refer to cheating as a "mistake" what that really says is they are excusing themselves because, hey, you know the expression "everybody makes mistakes".

@natsanjose a mistake is putting the wrong amount of deductions on your tax return.

Knowingly and willingly inserting your penis into another woman's vagina is not a mistake.

It's a character flaw. One that cannot possibly fixed until at the very least, the person stops excusing it as a "mistake".
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post #49 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

OP,

Just because your wife made the decision to stay with you after your cheating, doesn't mean the slate is clean. She can't help but be effected by it, and now you are seeing the results. She is having an EA with him, trusts him more than she does you, and is likely looking for an exit affair. If not with him, then I predict someone else eventually.

And if she would divorce you before giving up this "friend", your marriage is on life support. To me, you only have one choice if you want to save it.

Sit down with your wife and have a talk. Tell her you love her. Apologize to her again for betraying her, thank her for giving you another chance, and tell her you are 100% committed to meeting her needs and being the husband she deserves. Tell her you want to be the person she can talk to about anything. But.....you can't accept her continuing to have contact with this friend; because it's an EA and it's destroying the marriage.

If she refuses; don't lash out at her. Tell her that you understand. Take responsibility for your past actions that are influencing her decision. Tell her you love her again and that you just want her to be happy - so it's best that you both move on.

Then start the divorce process. Do a modified 180, don't sleep with her; but be kind while you're doing it. Give her room to change her mind. If she doesn't, finish the D and take the life lesson you learned into your next relationship.

Last edited by badmemory; 03-27-2017 at 09:56 AM.
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post #50 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
This evening I tried to talk to my wife about our marriage and her behaviour, she was lying through her teeth. I didnít tell her that I knew she was lying, I just went with it. It was incredibly hard to do that and not lash out at her. When I cheated on her, I told her everything. The least she can do is offer the same courtesy. She forgave me for cheating. Every time, she forgave me. Previously I thought I could offer her the same forgiveness but I donít know if I really could. If itís purely emotional then maybe but if itís gone physical, with anyone, I might be done.

We have security cameras that I was suppose to install months ago and never got around to it. I put one in our bedroom in a place were she wonít notice it. I work nights so she could bring anyone home for the night and Iíd never know. If she has someone over I will know. If she calls someone, I know she FaceTimeís her ex regularly, Iíll be able to see/hear that.

She has been going to the gym twice as much as she tells me. And more than she even needs to. Who needs to go to the gym in the morning, afternoon and run 5 miles around the neighbourhood? The gym she goes to has a website with an online log, she uses the same passwords for everything so I can login and see when she is there. I might give her a surprise visit tomorrow.

I logged into her Facebook and looked at her ex's brother's facebook pages. They have posted pictures with her ex 5x in the last 15 months. The pictures say where they were taken which proves her ex has been coming down this way every 3 months. Around the time the pictures were posted the chatting slowed down or skipped a few days.

She obviously isn't going to come clean on her own so I have to find out who she is whoring herself to. I don't look at her the same anymore. Like what, is she having gang bangs at the gym every day? She is supposed to be sooo frickin' traumatized from her rape. Not acting like it now.



OP-I am thinking the above bolded is coming from a place of anger. I am not trying to be hard on you; just observing-but this kind of comment you made about her rape is about the most insensitive **** comment you could say about it. I do hope you don't ever say that to her face. There is so much recovery that needs to be actually worked on with a therapist when a woman or man has been raped. Especially at such a young age. She doesn't feel safe with you at all. Which is why she is leaning on her friend. Every time there was trouble in your marriage, she ran to confide in her safe person. Is it wrong? Yes it is but with the cheating going back and forth I am not surprised this is where things stand right now with you two. She doesn't trust you to be that person for her to confide in etc. and you know why.
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post #51 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
This evening I tried to talk to my wife about our marriage and her behaviour, she was lying through her teeth. I didnít tell her that I knew she was lying, I just went with it. It was incredibly hard to do that and not lash out at her. When I cheated on her, I told her everything. The least she can do is offer the same courtesy. She forgave me for cheating. Every time, she forgave me. Previously I thought I could offer her the same forgiveness but I donít know if I really could. If itís purely emotional then maybe but if itís gone physical, with anyone, I might be done.

We have security cameras that I was suppose to install months ago and never got around to it. I put one in our bedroom in a place were she wonít notice it. I work nights so she could bring anyone home for the night and Iíd never know. If she has someone over I will know. If she calls someone, I know she FaceTimeís her ex regularly, Iíll be able to see/hear that.

She has been going to the gym twice as much as she tells me. And more than she even needs to. Who needs to go to the gym in the morning, afternoon and run 5 miles around the neighbourhood? The gym she goes to has a website with an online log, she uses the same passwords for everything so I can login and see when she is there. I might give her a surprise visit tomorrow.

I logged into her Facebook and looked at her ex's brother's facebook pages. They have posted pictures with her ex 5x in the last 15 months. The pictures say where they were taken which proves her ex has been coming down this way every 3 months. Around the time the pictures were posted the chatting slowed down or skipped a few days.

She obviously isn't going to come clean on her own so I have to find out who she is whoring herself to. I don't look at her the same anymore. Like what, is she having gang bangs at the gym every day? She is supposed to be sooo frickin' traumatized from her rape. Not acting like it now.
WooHoo this is some very hot narcissism. She's forgiven you "EVERY TIME." Sounds like more than one affair to me. It's always interesting to watch the reactions of cheaters, when they get cheated on. Now, you question her rape and make a joke. It sucks you are hurting, but your AFFAIR(s) didn't help this situation at all.
Quote:
When I cheated on her, I told her everything. The least she can do is offer the same courtesy.
I did laugh out loud at these two sentences. If she has cheated and hid it, she did offer you the same courtesy. You came clean on your timetable so, you should afford her the same "courtesy" and wait for hers. Nope, she is wrong for cheating no matter what she forgave and what you have done. Still, this moral high ground some of you cheaters have, when the tables are turned, is hilariously hypocritical.
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post #52 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Ok, I apologize for any douchey, rude, crappy things I have said here. I just want to figure out what the hell my wife is doing behind my back. She denies, denies, denies. I surprised her at the gym to "take her out on a date" and she wasn't wearing her wedding rings. She said she takes them off to work out but she doesn't at home. I told her that I know her ex has been coming down here, she "swore" she hasn't seen him. I'm tempted to take her phone and message her ex, pretending to be my wife and she what happens. I want to know who the **** she is ****ing, because it sure ain't me.
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post #53 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Well there have been two other guys that have gone through this very thing over the past three years.

Both there wives left them for the military guy and both the wives had a love with the OM.

Good luck.
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post #54 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA

To be fair I take my rings off at the gym as well.

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post #55 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Well there have been two other guys that have gone through this very thing over the past three years.

Both there wives left them for the military guy and both the wives had a love with the OM.

Good luck.
Here?

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Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
To be fair I take my rings off at the gym as well.
Do you take them off if you're working out at home?

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post #56 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 03:12 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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Here?







Do you take them off if you're working out at home?


I don't take them off at home workouts - much different equipment.

Lots of people are buying those Qalo rings for this reason. Perhaps OP should get her one, then she'd have no excuse

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post #57 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

No
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post #58 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

She wasn't happy when I surprised her at the gym, I went when she should have been close to being done. I told her that she needs to stop contacting her ex because it's affecting our marriage. Her response was that I'm just projecting my actions and my guilt onto her and that not everyone cheats. That she isn't giving up her closet friend because my cheating led me to be insecure. And that she isn't cheating but what is going to screw up our marriage is my insecurities, jealousy and "stocking". And that she can't talk to me about our problems because I don't care enough.

Where do I go from here? I know she is hiding something. She downplays the amount of contact and type of contact she has with her ex. She has no answer for why she takes her ring off at the gym but not at home other than "so it doesn't get lost". She doesn't take it off anywhere else and they are well fitted so they don't fall off. She has been acting off for a long time. After confronting her she changed her passwords and factory reset her phone.
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post #59 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA

If her phone is an iPhone 6 or newer, it takes about 3 seconds to bypass the password. I tried it on my phone and it is easy and fast.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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post #60 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA

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If her phone is an iPhone 6 or newer, it takes about 3 seconds to bypass the password. I tried it on my phone and it is easy and fast.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Just found some info online on how to do it. Thank you for the tip.

Last edited by natsanjose; 03-29-2017 at 01:59 PM.
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