My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA
I really didn't know where to put this so if I am in the wrong category, please move it.
I am a 35 year old man and my wife is 29. We have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have a child, who is 7. In the first half of our relationship my wife was the one pushing to get married (or engaged). When I finally "maned" up and got serious about it she went the opposite direction and start stalling. Stopped talking about marriage, came up with reasons to wait. I felt like I had waited to long, which still could be true, but I wonder if someone else caused her hesitation. During our relationship there wasn't a lot of red flags.
My wife was raped when she was 14 years old. Brutally, terribly, by a gang and she nearly died. During that time she had very close friend who she had known most of her life. He was with her all the time for 4 years. The ended up in a "relationship" for part of that time. I put relationship in quotes because there was no physical intimacy and she barely calls it a relationship in hindsight. The guy enlisted in the military and moved, ended up across the country. They kept in contact, she said not much. Later she moved to the same province, in the closest major city to his base (8 hours away). She said she saw him once or twice, because his brother lived in her city.
I have come to find out that they have been in contact a lot. A lot of late night chats, random texting. She has never hid it, really. But has never been upfront about it either. She doesn't seem to hide it, she leaves her phone unlocked and I can easily see what is being said. When she is having a hard day or something is bother her, she tells him. Even if I did something to bother her or trigger her, she tells him. A lot of it I have never heard her say. She seems more comfortable with him than me. We went through a period were she told me everything about her past/rape. She always felt that if I found out x, y, z detail it would be too much and I'd leave. I didn't want to know, but she needed me to. Over the course of months she spewed out random info until I knew it all and we never talked about it again. With him, she is talking about it. Like if I do something that triggers her she will tell HIM, as well as tell him what I did to trigger and and what exactly it triggered. For example, the most recent thing I saw was that it bothers her when I pee in front of her. She sees me pee almost daily, for 7-8 years, and has never said a word. But she told him that it bothers her because she was pissed on. She's just gotten good at hiding her feelings.
They talk about a lot of other random stuff, not just him being her personal therapist. I'd probably say it's 80% other stuff, 20% her/their past. I have never seen her talk to him about our separate marriage issues. If I do something to trigger her, she will tell him that. But if we're just having an issue separate from her rape, I haven't see her tell him that.
Part of it stems from jealousy, and that is making me not know if I'm am in the wrong or not. He knows her in a way that I never will. There is this whole side to her that I 'know of' but he really, truly knows. He was her rock, her KISA. He got her through everything. He even sat through the trial with her. He was allowed to sit right beside her while she testified, holding her hand. She still leans on him about her past. I'm not an ugly guy, but he is a hell of a lot more attractive and fit than I am. And I hate to say it, but as far as I know he's a really good guy. I have met his brothers and one is a douche but the other is great as well, and she is also close with him (though not to this level).
She has always had this weird 'thing' for army/military guys/people. We live close to a base (not his) and frequently see military personnel, she just stares at them all the time, acts a bit odd and volunteers on base as much as she can. She won't/can't watch military movies with dudes getting themselves blowup/shot, it really bothers her. This guy as been overseas. She always wants to go to military related events open to the public. We went to a vehicle show for our son, they had a hundred of different vehicles but she hovered around the army tank. This guy is an armoured soldier.
He lives 6 hours away, the texts haven't really ever gone sexual (reminiscing really). They have video chatted, though I don't know how much or what was done on that. To my knowledge she hasn't seen him in the last 8 years. Am I being paranoid? Just a jealous husband? I haven't brought this up with her yet. If something is up, i don't want her to get scared and start hiding things.
Last edited by natsanjose; 03-26-2017 at 04:09 PM.