My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 88Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:16 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 19
My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA

I really didn't know where to put this so if I am in the wrong category, please move it.

I am a 35 year old man and my wife is 29. We have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have a child, who is 7. In the first half of our relationship my wife was the one pushing to get married (or engaged). When I finally "maned" up and got serious about it she went the opposite direction and start stalling. Stopped talking about marriage, came up with reasons to wait. I felt like I had waited to long, which still could be true, but I wonder if someone else caused her hesitation. During our relationship there wasn't a lot of red flags.

My wife was raped when she was 14 years old. Brutally, terribly, by a gang and she nearly died. During that time she had very close friend who she had known most of her life. He was with her all the time for 4 years. The ended up in a "relationship" for part of that time. I put relationship in quotes because there was no physical intimacy and she barely calls it a relationship in hindsight. The guy enlisted in the military and moved, ended up across the country. They kept in contact, she said not much. Later she moved to the same province, in the closest major city to his base (8 hours away). She said she saw him once or twice, because his brother lived in her city.

I have come to find out that they have been in contact a lot. A lot of late night chats, random texting. She has never hid it, really. But has never been upfront about it either. She doesn't seem to hide it, she leaves her phone unlocked and I can easily see what is being said. When she is having a hard day or something is bother her, she tells him. Even if I did something to bother her or trigger her, she tells him. A lot of it I have never heard her say. She seems more comfortable with him than me. We went through a period were she told me everything about her past/rape. She always felt that if I found out x, y, z detail it would be too much and I'd leave. I didn't want to know, but she needed me to. Over the course of months she spewed out random info until I knew it all and we never talked about it again. With him, she is talking about it. Like if I do something that triggers her she will tell HIM, as well as tell him what I did to trigger and and what exactly it triggered. For example, the most recent thing I saw was that it bothers her when I pee in front of her. She sees me pee almost daily, for 7-8 years, and has never said a word. But she told him that it bothers her because she was pissed on. She's just gotten good at hiding her feelings.

They talk about a lot of other random stuff, not just him being her personal therapist. I'd probably say it's 80% other stuff, 20% her/their past. I have never seen her talk to him about our separate marriage issues. If I do something to trigger her, she will tell him that. But if we're just having an issue separate from her rape, I haven't see her tell him that.

Part of it stems from jealousy, and that is making me not know if I'm am in the wrong or not. He knows her in a way that I never will. There is this whole side to her that I 'know of' but he really, truly knows. He was her rock, her KISA. He got her through everything. He even sat through the trial with her. He was allowed to sit right beside her while she testified, holding her hand. She still leans on him about her past. I'm not an ugly guy, but he is a hell of a lot more attractive and fit than I am. And I hate to say it, but as far as I know he's a really good guy. I have met his brothers and one is a douche but the other is great as well, and she is also close with him (though not to this level).

She has always had this weird 'thing' for army/military guys/people. We live close to a base (not his) and frequently see military personnel, she just stares at them all the time, acts a bit odd and volunteers on base as much as she can. She won't/can't watch military movies with dudes getting themselves blowup/shot, it really bothers her. This guy as been overseas. She always wants to go to military related events open to the public. We went to a vehicle show for our son, they had a hundred of different vehicles but she hovered around the army tank. This guy is an armoured soldier.

He lives 6 hours away, the texts haven't really ever gone sexual (reminiscing really). They have video chatted, though I don't know how much or what was done on that. To my knowledge she hasn't seen him in the last 8 years. Am I being paranoid? Just a jealous husband? I haven't brought this up with her yet. If something is up, i don't want her to get scared and start hiding things.


Last edited by natsanjose; 03-26-2017 at 04:09 PM.
natsanjose is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:10 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,134
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Not normal. It's an emotional affair. Read up. An X in the middle of a marriage is trouble brewing.

The more time she spends with him the more detached she'll become.

You can't stop her from doing what she wants but you don't have to remain a part of it.

Better set some boundaries and stick to them. If not his will get worse not better.

You need to be spending some quality time Together. Do you have date nights? You'll need @ 15 hours a week, etc. doesn't have to expensive. Dinner and a movie, etc.
Marc878 is offline  
post #3 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:12 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,134
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Also, join a gym start working out. Update your wardrobe, keep your haircut, improve yourself. Don't allow yourself getting sloppy or stale.
Marc878 is offline  
 
post #4 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:02 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,160
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

She went through a traumatic experience.

Start there.

What happened was before you. I would be a bit remiss to say they shared an experience as sure as your wife wished something like that would never have happened to her but it did and he happened to be there.

He doesn't sound like an ******* but it does sound like she feels comfortable unloading on him rather than to you and you're jealous.

He knows her in a way that I never will.

I'm sure he would have loved a more happier circumstance to meet a girl rather than what happened.

It's striking how this starts off as the guy that helped my wife then gradually morphs into he's better looking than me etc etc.

Listen man, you and your wife have a lot to talk about specifically opening up the lines of communication more. The peeing thing she should have been up front with her reason, she shouldn't have to go behind your back or you find out from snooping or badgering.

In a sense it's good she has someone like that to get her issues out into the open with but maybe you two should be doing it together in front of a counsellor?
BobSimmons is online now  
post #5 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 19
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Not normal. It's an emotional affair. Read up. An X in the middle of a marriage is trouble brewing.

The more time she spends with him the more detached she'll become.

You can't stop her from doing what she wants but you don't have to remain a part of it.

Better set some boundaries and stick to them. If not his will get worse not better.

You need to be spending some quality time Together. Do you have date nights? You'll need @ 15 hours a week, etc. doesn't have to expensive. Dinner and a movie, etc.
I read about emotional affairs and some of the signs are there. She isn't secretive with her phone really. If I ask to use it she will let me but takes a second to give it to me usually. Same with her laptop. If I want to use it and and it's in another part of the house, she always goes and gets it and takes a minute. She isn't deleting their conversations, they go back a long ways. But she could be deleting certain messages or history. Of course the opposite is possible, she isn't hiding anything and takes a minute to give it to me because she is legitimately doing/reading something.

Our intimacy has taken a pretty big hit. When she was pushing for marriage, the first half of our relationship, things were great. Then they dipped and it felt like we were roommates. No kissing, no cuddling, no dates, limited sex, fights. We had some issues that caused that, mostly my fault. This may have started way back then. It's also when she totally stopped pushing for marriage and when I brought it up either stalled or straight up said she didn't want to (yet). Things eventually got back on track, and we married. Things were good for a bit. A year into our marriage we had another issue and our marriage went into the dumps. We've been working on it since, it's a lot better but not were it use to be. I don't know if my behaviour is to blame, hers, or both.

When we kiss she tends to pull away, she says it's because my facial hair irritates her skin (wasn't an issue before). When we have sex she participates but her face screams that she doesn't want to be there. Whether that's her past or this guy causing it, I don't know. She has told the other guy that it would be easier to have had sex with him than me. We rarely go on dates, our schedules conflict a lot with me working nights and weekends. She wants to.

So I need to tell her that she needs to stop contacting him? It's what I, or the jealous side of me, wants but at the same time I feel guilty for forcing someone out of her life who helps her. She is in therapy as well.
natsanjose is offline  
post #6 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 19
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Also, join a gym start working out. Update your wardrobe, keep your haircut, improve yourself. Don't allow yourself getting sloppy or stale.
This is something that I need to work on. My wife is very fit, works out 5 days a week, runs 25 miles a week. She gets a lot of attention from men. Interestingly, she didn't start working out until we hit our rough patch 5 years ago. Then went from never running or working out to doing it 5x a week and going from about 140 lbs to 110 lbs. Doing workouts that are considered military type workouts. She pushed herself to the max to make that huge transition in about 3 months.

I on the other hand, not so much. I weight about 40-50 lbs more than I should. Hesitate on buying new clothes because "I'm going to lose the weight" but never do. She tries to encourage me to exercise with her, eat better with her. Not taking care of that is my fault.
natsanjose is offline  
post #7 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:14 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,160
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
She has told the other guy that it would be easier to have had sex with him than me.
Seems a bit weird you would leave that out..

I'm out.
BobSimmons is online now  
post #8 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 19
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by BobSimmons View Post
She went through a traumatic experience.

Start there.

What happened was before you. I would be a bit remiss to say they shared an experience as sure as your wife wished something like that would never have happened to her but it did and he happened to be there.

He doesn't sound like an ******* but it does sound like she feels comfortable unloading on him rather than to you and you're jealous.

He knows her in a way that I never will.

I'm sure he would have loved a more happier circumstance to meet a girl rather than what happened.

It's striking how this starts off as the guy that helped my wife then gradually morphs into he's better looking than me etc etc.

Listen man, you and your wife have a lot to talk about specifically opening up the lines of communication more. The peeing thing she should have been up front with her reason, she shouldn't have to go behind your back or you find out from snooping or badgering.

In a sense it's good she has someone like that to get her issues out into the open with but maybe you two should be doing it together in front of a counsellor?
In their messages (which I do feel bad reading) they BOTH said how they wished things would have gone differently. Wished they would have had better circumstances for a relationship. She was a virgin when she was raped and (to my knowledge) I'm the only person she has had sex with since. So technically her only partner. She told him she wished they would have had sex and that he would have been her first. We didn't have sex until about 2 years into the relationship. He has stopped talking to her a few times during our relationship/marriage because "it was too hard". She stopped talking to him a few times because "she had to for our marriage". He's single, never married. Going back far enough in her messages I saw that she stopped talking to him when he got into a relationship.

I make the attractive comment because during my wife and I's relationship she frequently made comments about not liking the totally ripped men or "pretty boys". He is both. She played the part well. I guess she gave that act up because now she drools over them. I'm guessing it was to cover up that she liked him and/or to make me feel better about not meeting that criteria.

We have been through quite a bit of marriage counselling. Still go sometimes. This is something that should be brought up but I don't want to tell her that I've been snooping. We do need to open up the communication though. She should be able to tell me if something is bothering her, especially if it's something that I'm doing daily. Even if I straight out ask her if something bothers her she says no, while her face says yes.
natsanjose is offline  
post #9 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:36 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,134
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
I read about emotional affairs and some of the signs are there. She isn't secretive with her phone really. If I ask to use it she will let me but takes a second to give it to me usually. Same with her laptop. If I want to use it and and it's in another part of the house, she always goes and gets it and takes a minute. She isn't deleting their conversations, they go back a long ways. But she could be deleting certain messages or history. Of course the opposite is possible, she isn't hiding anything and takes a minute to give it to me because she is legitimately doing/reading something.

Our intimacy has taken a pretty big hit. When she was pushing for marriage, the first half of our relationship, things were great. Then they dipped and it felt like we were roommates. No kissing, no cuddling, no dates, limited sex, fights. We had some issues that caused that, mostly my fault. This may have started way back then. It's also when she totally stopped pushing for marriage and when I brought it up either stalled or straight up said she didn't want to (yet). Things eventually got back on track, and we married. Things were good for a bit. A year into our marriage we had another issue and our marriage went into the dumps. We've been working on it since, it's a lot better but not were it use to be. I don't know if my behaviour is to blame, hers, or both.

When we kiss she tends to pull away, she says it's because my facial hair irritates her skin (wasn't an issue before). When we have sex she participates but her face screams that she doesn't want to be there. Whether that's her past or this guy causing it, I don't know. She has told the other guy that it would be easier to have had sex with him than me. We rarely go on dates, our schedules conflict a lot with me working nights and weekends. She wants to.

So I need to tell her that she needs to stop contacting him? It's what I, or the jealous side of me, wants but at the same time I feel guilty for forcing someone out of her life who helps her. She is in therapy as well.
Ignorance is bliss until it isn't. Guilty for not wanting an x in your marriage?

You are a pushover and will lose all respect by allowing this. You can't make her stop but you'd better have the wherewithal to take yourself out of the equation. If not she'll just dump you anyway when the time comes.
Marc878 is offline  
post #10 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 19
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by BobSimmons View Post
Seems a bit weird you would leave that out..

I'm out.
That is part of what I meant when I said, "the texts haven't really ever gone sexual (reminiscing really)" in my first post. I was unsure how many details to leave in and leave out, without writing a novel.

natsanjose is offline  
post #11 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:38 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,134
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
This is something that I need to work on. My wife is very fit, works out 5 days a week, runs 25 miles a week. She gets a lot of attention from men. Interestingly, she didn't start working out until we hit our rough patch 5 years ago. Then went from never running or working out to doing it 5x a week and going from about 140 lbs to 110 lbs. Doing workouts that are considered military type workouts. She pushed herself to the max to make that huge transition in about 3 months.

I on the other hand, not so much. I weight about 40-50 lbs more than I should. Hesitate on buying new clothes because "I'm going to lose the weight" but never do. She tries to encourage me to exercise with her, eat better with her. Not taking care of that is my fault.
Better get moving and quit making excuses. You are going to get replaced if you haven't already.
Marc878 is offline  
post #12 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 19
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Ignorance is bliss until it isn't. Guilty for not wanting an x in your marriage?

You are a pushover and will lose all respect by allowing this. You can't make her stop but you'd better have the wherewithal to take yourself out of the equation. If not she'll just dump you anyway when the time comes.
My hesitation comes from the hurt that I have caused my wife from my own actions. In the sense of, "I've already hurt her this much, do I really want to hurt her more by ripping away the one person who has always been there for her. Who was there for her when I wasn't, but should have been." I know first hand that ex's can be troublesome in a marriage/relationship. I just need to nip it in the bud.
natsanjose is offline  
post #13 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 10:36 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,134
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by natsanjose View Post
My hesitation comes from the hurt that I have caused my wife from my own actions. In the sense of, "I've already hurt her this much, do I really want to hurt her more by ripping away the one person who has always been there for her. Who was there for her when I wasn't, but should have been." I know first hand that ex's can be troublesome in a marriage/relationship. I just need to nip it in the bud.
You own your part in the marriage for sure but make no mistake there is never an excuse for an affair. Your wife isn't perfect either but did you go out and bring another woman into your marriage.

You've got the Mr Nice guy syndrome which will get you walked on and zero respect. That and letting yourself go is probably why you are where you are.

You'd better wake up.

Youre just making excuses hoping it'll all just go away and you won have to do anything. It won't

Read it and apply it to your life
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...yINnP1YlrN5GI-
Marc878 is offline  
post #14 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 11:25 AM
Member
 
Taxman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Posts: 256
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

The texts are just nice so far...
By the time they get sexual, you have already lost.
Nip it in the bud. If she gets defensive, make sure you have at the ready a good description of an emotional affair. From my reading, most involved in emotional affairs do not understand that IT IS AN AFFAIR. It is a betrayal, a breach of trust and completely disrespectful. That has to be made clear to her, if she is unhappy, let her know that she is welcome to walk straight over to her friend. Let him be blessed with a cheating spouse.

You appear to be frightened of confronting this. You say that you would be taking a dear friend from her. I disagree, you are removing an impediment to your marriage. There cannot be three people in your bed. If she is emotionally dependent on him, then you have already lost her.
Taxman is offline  
post #15 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 11:39 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 800
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
You own your part in the marriage for sure but make no mistake there is never an excuse for an affair. Your wife isn't perfect either but did you go out and bring another woman into your marriage.

You've got the Mr Nice guy syndrome which will get you walked on and zero respect. That and letting yourself go is probably why you are where you are.

You'd better wake up.

Youre just making excuses hoping it'll all just go away and you won have to do anything. It won't

Read it and apply it to your life
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...yINnP1YlrN5GI-
OP,

You better read the above. This thing with her ex is NOT normal NOR acceptable. And in case you have not figured it out, six hours is not another continent so i would not bet your 401K with this kind of texting going on that she has not seen him in eight years. As a matter of fact, I WOULD bet money that she would refuse to take a polygraph test to validate that statement.

Time for you to stop playing ostrich.
straightshooter is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife having an emotional affair or worse thegman Coping with Infidelity 103 12-28-2016 05:20 PM
Conflict between wife and mother getting out of hand mattsull13 The Family & Parenting Forums 22 10-24-2016 04:59 AM
Wife is enabling her live in mother huskerfan438 Considering Divorce or Separation 40 10-08-2016 12:20 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome