My husband is cheating on me... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

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Originally Posted by sheilan View Post
Öand I donít know what to do. I feel like I donít want to live anymore. Every part of me hurts and the feeling never goes away. Every time he is on his phone or out of my sight I feel sick to my stomach. Wondering what heís doing, who heís doing it with, why she is better than me, how he could hurt me so badly. The worst part is that itís my fault that this started.

We have been together for 7 years, married for less than a year. I had the drag him down the aisle - the aisle being city hall because itís all I could get him to commit to.

We have one child together and Iím 8 months pregnant with our second. Our first was unplanned, he wanted me to have an abortion but it wasnít something that I could do. I thought he would come around, everyone said he would. Eventually he did, when our daughter was nearly 3 years old. Our second child, that Iím pregnant with, was planned. I convinced my husband that we should have another one, after months he agreed. In hindsight, it was a mistake.

He seemed happy to try for another. He often talked to our daughter about being a big sister, he bought some baby things he found cute, he was interested in timing. But as soon as the test showed positive he backed out. He didnít suggest abortion, but he didnít have to. I knew what he was thinking, ďwhat the hell did I get myself into/agree toĒ.

It started almost 2 years ago. He never wanted to have sex and didnít want anything to do with me. I looked at his internet history and there was a lot of porn use and some visits to sex finding websites. He denied, said those sex finding websites were pop ups. Said the porn was because I wasnít satisfying him. Which is true. Iím not sexually gifted. I have no confidence to try different things like role playing or really anything other than the basics, even dirty talk. I cannot orgasm from sex or foreplay, never have been able to unless I do it myself. He hates that and feels like heís not doing a good enough job. The sex was (is) boring for him. He pulled away and I didnít want to have sex because he wasnít spending any time with me, wouldnít warm up to it just wanted to stick it in and leave. When I told him I needed him to spend more time with me, touch me more, make me feel like he wants to be with me all of the time not just when he wants sex, he said that was stupid and basically that it wasnít worth it. Why put in more effort for crappy sex. I get it. So he turned to porn and sex finding sites and I was useless to him.

We went to relationship/marriage counselling and things got a bit better. For a while we were happy and there was no sign of porn use or other women. We got married, got pregnant. Then those two pink lines showed on a pregnancy test in the first month of trying, and things went back down the toilet - again.

He withdrew, stopped spending time with me, intimacy stopped, sex became nonexistent. I searched his internet history and there wasnít much, he learned to use incognito all the time. But sometimes heíd slip up and Iíd find porn, sex finding sites, and dating sites.

3 months ago I found texts from another woman on his phone. He had deleted them but they could still be found. He talked to her ways that he never talked to me. The texts made it clear that they were physically intimate with one another. The things that he wrote to her, I cannot get out of my mind. She knows he is married. He told her that she is much better than I am, in and out of bed - of course she is, heís sleeping with her not me. Heís betraying me and our kids for her. Iím not worth 5 minutes a day but sheís worth losing our marriage and children.

We obviously donít have sex anymore, he has no desire for me and Iím not sleeping with him while heís sleeping with someone else - especially while pregnant. Iíve been STD tested, and was fine. I have tried to initiate sex from time to time and he wants nothing to do with it. I asked him if he was cheating and he said no every time. He blames his distance and behaviour on the stress of a new baby coming. Keeps saying it will get better.

A month ago I had to go away for a weekend for a training seminar. I was sick to my stomach for weeks leading up to it. I begged him to come with me, he could have. I feel like I handed my husband to this other woman on a silver platter. And I was right, after I left our daughter went to his parents house because my husband was ďsickĒ. She stayed there all weekend and my husband was MIA. We have security cameras outside our home and in the main rooms. I went online to view them and they were mysteriously unplugged. My husband said there was a power outage. That only affected our houseÖ I have friends that live 2-3 streets over. Knowing that he brought another woman into our home made me want to drench the whole house in bleach. Every time I lay in bed or sit on a chair or couch, I wonder if they had sex in that spot.

Every time he leaves the house it kills me. I lay awake half the night knowing what heís doing and wanting to die. He comes home, showers and either sleeps on the couch or in our bed as far away from me as possible. I pretend to be asleepÖ I asked him to go to MC with me again, and he always says itís a waste of time and money.

I donít know where to go from hereÖ. The simple answer is ďJust leave! Why are you being such a doormat? You are a terrible example for your kidsĒ. I know, Iíve heard it before. Currently, he is the main breadwinner. I have had to take most of my pregnancy off work due to some complications. The plan was for me to stay home for a year after this baby is born. He comes from a family of lawyers, including family lawyers. Iíd probably get screwed in a divorce. I donít have any family, I was raised in the foster system, tossed from home to home until I aged out. I feel completely stuck. Itís my fault Iím in this situation, I created the perfect breeding ground.

Will he ever stop and try to repair our marriage? What am I suppose to do to so that he wants me and not another woman? How do I fix this...
I do not know which country you live in but you will have some protection under the law. Why are you committing to a man who clearly never really wanted to be committed to you in the first place.
Tell all your family and friends what he is doing. Expose him to all and sundry, let him spend time grappling with that. Is the OW married, if so tell her H.
You have the evidence, ensure you keep it in a safe place. What are the laws on adultery like where you live.
A lawyer should be able to tell you what you are entitled to and the next steps to take. it sounds like he has the potential to be a serial cheat and he doesn't care for you at all.

Start doing the 180 on him. Go see a lawyer to see what your options are

You have to accept your reality and move towards divorce.

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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

Bear with my while I write this I'm utterly exhausted. My husband wants to stay together and I'm having a really hard time with it... He promised that he will stop cheating and won't do it again. He has been having a hard time ending his affair and misses her which is killing me. He says that he loves her and ending the affair is very hard, even though he wants to end it. We have a newborn baby who is draining every ounce of energy from me. He doesn't sleep for longer than 30 minutes at a time and won't go back to sleep for 2 hours after he wakes up. Watching my husband grieve his affair is killing me. He was in love with her, not me. But I need him right now. How is one suppose to watch their spouse grieve their AP when trying to get back together?
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

Congratulations on your baby. If he's really serious about being faithful this time, he needs to provide full transparency. You should have passwords for his phone and computer and know where he is every minute of the day. And if he's really serious, he'll toss the prenup or modify it to be more in your favor (especially in the event of infidelity).
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

Sheilan sweetheart - you are trying to do too much. As hard as it is, you need to put your husband's issues and infidelity to one side as much as you can. Focusing on your new baby (for both you and him/her) is the most important thing right now. Your marriage issues will still be there when you are a position to deal with them - i.e. when you have had enough sleep and can think beyond your baby's next feed/change and are feeling stronger.

Don't try and interact emotionally with your husband to work through the infidelity or his issues right now whilst you have had so little sleep. If you are not able to put this out of your mind, then start finding out about your legal situation and thinking about the plans that you can put in place later. Your husband's family might be legally qualified, but at the moment, I am assuming that they still see you as his wife and your children as their grandchildren? Why do you feel that you would not have their support (at least partially) if they were to find out about your husband's affair? Have you thought of approaching your employers and seeing whether going back earlier would be an option at all? Even though there is someone in your place, that doesn't mean that they might not jump at the chance of having you back earlier.

I am very sorry that you are in the position that you are in. I can see that you are in a great deal of emotional pain, and I have great sympathy for you. But you need to start valuing yourself more.

ďI have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.Ē ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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