My husband is cheating on me... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:16 PM Thread Starter
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My husband is cheating on me...

(Update post #17)


…and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t want to live anymore. Every part of me hurts and the feeling never goes away. Every time he is on his phone or out of my sight I feel sick to my stomach. Wondering what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with, why she is better than me, how he could hurt me so badly. The worst part is that it’s my fault that this started.

We have been together for 7 years, married for less than a year. I had the drag him down the aisle - the aisle being city hall because it’s all I could get him to commit to.

We have one child together and I’m 8 months pregnant with our second. Our first was unplanned, he wanted me to have an abortion but it wasn’t something that I could do. I thought he would come around, everyone said he would. Eventually he did, when our daughter was nearly 3 years old. Our second child, that I’m pregnant with, was planned. I convinced my husband that we should have another one, after months he agreed. In hindsight, it was a mistake.

He seemed happy to try for another. He often talked to our daughter about being a big sister, he bought some baby things he found cute, he was interested in timing. But as soon as the test showed positive he backed out. He didn’t suggest abortion, but he didn’t have to. I knew what he was thinking, “what the hell did I get myself into/agree to”.

It started almost 2 years ago. He never wanted to have sex and didn’t want anything to do with me. I looked at his internet history and there was a lot of porn use and some visits to sex finding websites. He denied, said those sex finding websites were pop ups. Said the porn was because I wasn’t satisfying him. Which is true. I’m not sexually gifted. I have no confidence to try different things like role playing or really anything other than the basics, even dirty talk. I cannot orgasm from sex or foreplay, never have been able to unless I do it myself. He hates that and feels like he’s not doing a good enough job. The sex was (is) boring for him. He pulled away and I didn’t want to have sex because he wasn’t spending any time with me, wouldn’t warm up to it just wanted to stick it in and leave. When I told him I needed him to spend more time with me, touch me more, make me feel like he wants to be with me all of the time not just when he wants sex, he said that was stupid and basically that it wasn’t worth it. Why put in more effort for crappy sex. I get it. So he turned to porn and sex finding sites and I was useless to him.

We went to relationship/marriage counselling and things got a bit better. For a while we were happy and there was no sign of porn use or other women. We got married, got pregnant. Then those two pink lines showed on a pregnancy test in the first month of trying, and things went back down the toilet - again.

He withdrew, stopped spending time with me, intimacy stopped, sex became nonexistent. I searched his internet history and there wasn’t much, he learned to use incognito all the time. But sometimes he’d slip up and I’d find porn, sex finding sites, and dating sites.

3 months ago I found texts from another woman on his phone. He had deleted them but they could still be found. He talked to her ways that he never talked to me. The texts made it clear that they were physically intimate with one another. The things that he wrote to her, I cannot get out of my mind. She knows he is married. He told her that she is much better than I am, in and out of bed - of course she is, he’s sleeping with her not me. He’s betraying me and our kids for her. I’m not worth 5 minutes a day but she’s worth losing our marriage and children.

We obviously don’t have sex anymore, he has no desire for me and I’m not sleeping with him while he’s sleeping with someone else - especially while pregnant. I’ve been STD tested, and was fine. I have tried to initiate sex from time to time and he wants nothing to do with it. I asked him if he was cheating and he said no every time. He blames his distance and behaviour on the stress of a new baby coming. Keeps saying it will get better.

A month ago I had to go away for a weekend for a training seminar. I was sick to my stomach for weeks leading up to it. I begged him to come with me, he could have. I feel like I handed my husband to this other woman on a silver platter. And I was right, after I left our daughter went to his parents house because my husband was “sick”. She stayed there all weekend and my husband was MIA. We have security cameras outside our home and in the main rooms. I went online to view them and they were mysteriously unplugged. My husband said there was a power outage. That only affected our house… I have friends that live 2-3 streets over. Knowing that he brought another woman into our home made me want to drench the whole house in bleach. Every time I lay in bed or sit on a chair or couch, I wonder if they had sex in that spot.

Every time he leaves the house it kills me. I lay awake half the night knowing what he’s doing and wanting to die. He comes home, showers and either sleeps on the couch or in our bed as far away from me as possible. I pretend to be asleep… I asked him to go to MC with me again, and he always says it’s a waste of time and money.

I don’t know where to go from here…. The simple answer is “Just leave! Why are you being such a doormat? You are a terrible example for your kids”. I know, I’ve heard it before. Currently, he is the main breadwinner. I have had to take most of my pregnancy off work due to some complications. The plan was for me to stay home for a year after this baby is born. He comes from a family of lawyers, including family lawyers. I’d probably get screwed in a divorce. I don’t have any family, I was raised in the foster system, tossed from home to home until I aged out. I feel completely stuck. It’s my fault I’m in this situation, I created the perfect breeding ground.

Will he ever stop and try to repair our marriage? What am I suppose to do to so that he wants me and not another woman? How do I fix this...


Last edited by sheilan; 05-17-2017 at 06:44 PM.
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

Your given reason for stating with this cheater is you'd get screwed because he's the breadwinner.

In most areas if you are the primary caregiver you will get the house, child and spousal support and half of everything you own- he will be the one who will hardly even have enough money to put a roof over his head.

If you don't believe me research the divorce laws in your area and you will quickly realize it's all in your favor so get moving.

Last edited by Adiron; 03-25-2017 at 12:52 PM.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

@sheilan, you mention several times that his cheating is your fault. It is not. It is 100% his fault.

What is your fault is forcing and trying to make stable a relationship with a man simply not designed for monogamy and fatherhood. You knew for a long time what he did and didn't want. People do not fundamentally change.

Don't you think you deserve someone who genuinely loves you and wants to be with you? AND respects the sanctity of marriage?

Never accept the disgusting dregs he leaves you. You deserve a hell of a lot better. You need to stop clinging to him dear, and start loving yourself and your children more.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:44 PM
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Your husband sounds very much like mine. Our stories are very similar...
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:48 PM
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Except I wanted sex. I don't consider myself bad in bed. My husband would turn me down. He turned me down so often that I lost confidence in sex with HIM. Things were often worse while pregnant, especially with our first. His parents basically dragged him down the isle, now that I look back. I don't think mind is currently cheating but I think he will again.

I know I'm not of much help, but I will say to pay close attention to the other posters. They were right about my husbands affair before I even knew everything!
How did you initially find out? Is he still seeing her? Gave you exposed the affair?
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

Very sorry. Please don't believe so little about yourself.

He is not a good mate. Never was.

You deserve so much better. Please believe that.

This is your biggest problem.

Your lack of self worth. How you view yourself isn't healthy.

Please start the process of separation from this sorry excuse for a man and get some help for yourself. If you can't afford counseling, try exploring self help books. I'm not familiar with many for women, my bad, but I'm sure many here can make suggestions.

Please take care of yourself!
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

Our house is in his name, because it was my husband's grandfather's house. He passed away and my husband bought the house. In a legal battle it he'd get the house. A pre-nup was signed before we married. I haven't told my husband that I know about his affair, because I don't want to rock the boat... If I say anything he will hide all the evidence.

I may not have directly stuffed his penis in another woman's vagina but I created the situation that let it happen. I should never have forced him into marriage or a child, let alone two kids. I shouldn't have been with a man who had a history of cheating. I shouldn't have stayed with a man who placed such a high emphasis on sex when I suck in the bedroom. I should have known better, who wants a wife that will = a crappy sex life. No one.. I knew that and I tried to force it. I tried to force the only man who showed interest in me to be the man that I wanted. It is my fault.

He is still seeing her. He saw her last night... He said he was going out with friends but I checked his friends social media and there were somewhere totally different. When my husband came home he acted pissy and cold towards me, and slept on the couch. Today he hasn't said a word to me. It's how it always goes... He doesn't know that I know about his affair. I've asked him if he was cheating, and about some questionable websites, but I haven't told him that I know he's sleeping with her.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:36 PM
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I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up so much. I doubt you would "suck in bed" if your husband wasn't such an ass. I assume maybe you "suck" bc deep down your just not into sex with someone whose not into you.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up so much. I doubt you would "suck in bed" if your husband wasn't such an ass. I assume maybe you "suck" bc deep down your just not into sex with someone whose not into you.
It was a problem before my husband was in the picture. I had the same problem/complaint with 5 men before my husband.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:45 PM
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Are you sure maybe your just not with the right men? I really only consider someone to be bad if they don't seem to try or be into it.

That's really beside the point though. That's no reason to cheat. There are more mature ways to approach the topic such as helping you learn what he likes.

So... what are you going to do next?

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

He has tried to tell me/show me what he likes, it was always unsuccessful on my part. I literally sucked at doing anything. The man that I was with before meeting my husband, same thing. Except he was a really good man, still is. I got the "I love you but..." speech.

I have no clue what to do... I'm due in 5 weeks. I don't have anyone to go to for help. I'm financially reliant on my husband right now. The prenup scares the crap out of me. We both agreed to no spousal support, when working I make more than he does. I didn't plan on being on bedrest the majority of my pregnancy so savings took a major hit. I'm scared to have this baby alone, I don't know how I'd handle two kids alone. I had really bad postpartum depression after my daughter was born, I was told my birth mother had it as well and that's why I landed in the system. I wouldn't have anyone to help me if I needed it, I probably wouldn't be able to afford treatment for it. Someone filled my position at work on a contract until May 1, 2018 because I signed a contract stating that's when I'd return.

I screwed myself royally and I don't know what to do... If I tell my husband that I know about his affair he'll either want to work on it or he'll hide the evidence and keep doing it. Once I start the process, I can't take it back... I feel totally stuck for the next 13-14 months. Like I just have to watch my husband go off with another woman and sit back and let it happen so I can put food in my kids' mouthes.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

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Originally Posted by sheilan View Post
Our house is in his name, because it was my husband's grandfather's house. He passed away and my husband bought the house. In a legal battle it he'd get the house. A pre-nup was signed before we married. I haven't told my husband that I know about his affair, because I don't want to rock the boat... If I say anything he will hide all the evidence.

I may not have directly stuffed his penis in another woman's vagina but I created the situation that let it happen. I should never have forced him into marriage or a child, let alone two kids. I shouldn't have been with a man who had a history of cheating. I shouldn't have stayed with a man who placed such a high emphasis on sex when I suck in the bedroom. I should have known better, who wants a wife that will = a crappy sex life. No one.. I knew that and I tried to force it. I tried to force the only man who showed interest in me to be the man that I wanted. It is my fault.

He is still seeing her. He saw her last night... He said he was going out with friends but I checked his friends social media and there were somewhere totally different. When my husband came home he acted pissy and cold towards me, and slept on the couch. Today he hasn't said a word to me. It's how it always goes... He doesn't know that I know about his affair. I've asked him if he was cheating, and about some questionable websites, but I haven't told him that I know he's sleeping with her.
You could have been a star in bed and he would still probably be cheating. Once you said he had a history of cheating you answered the question. Most never change their ways and serial cheaters it's much more about the rush and "shiny new thing" rather than the sex.

The crappy sex life has just as much to do with him as anyone. The affair is his fault, not yours.

You've been married less than a year but you aren't stuck. You will get child support and given your medical condition you may get temporary maintenance payments and these questions only a lawyer can answer for you.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

Does the prenup give the house to him?

Do the two of you have joint bank accounts?

If you are going to divorce him, have your lawyer ask to court for several things:
1. your husband pay all legal and court fees out of community assets since he is the main breadwinner.

2. You get interim spousal support and child support during the divorce. You probably do not qualify for spousal support after the divorce, but you do during the divorce. And a divorce can take months, even a year or two.

3. If he is going to be the one to stay in the house, that you get enough money extra in the settlement to get a place of your own.
Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and it gives a good plan of action for how to handle his affair and potentially fixing the marriage if that's what you want to do... if he will even come around.

Surviving An Affair -
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 04:02 PM
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Stay until the baby is born and then make an exit plan. Your probably going to have to go back to work before you want to
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: My husband is cheating on me...

First off if your husband cannot make your orgasm although you can do it yourself, the problem is with him. I have had a few women like you and by watching them masturbate and experimenting, gave them their first orgasm by sex with a man. You should also take responsibility for your own orgasm. Use a vibrator or fingers during intercourse. If you look at some porn you will see women with vibrators next to them or see them use their fingers during sex. That is something you two should have worked out a long time ago. There are also sex therapist who can help.

Wanting kids does not mean love. There are many guys who knock up girls and then move on to the next. They equate impregnating women with manliness. We are also taught from a very young age to be jealous and that cheating is the worst thing in the world. A good part of that is a feeling of ownership of our spouses. How dare they get sexual pleasure from someone else even if I can not give it to them. 70% of men cheat. For most it is just sex. Women cheat for emotional reasons and therefore view their husband's cheating as an emotional thing rather then just sex for pleasure. The internet is filled with sexually unhappy men. They marry women who are not sexually compatible and then complain about it after marriage.

Sex is very important to a guy and many girls, in marriage. It releases a hormone to emotionally bond you together and without it, you never get that deep emotional bond that others with a healthy sex life get. Your husband has lost that emotional bond with you. You are just a friend, someone he is used to living with, the mother of his children, a safety net in case it does not work out with his girlfriends.

You have two options. The first is to see a sex therapist together. She or he can get you to experience orgasms together and to find common sexual ground where both of you are happy. The real problem is that love is a chemical reaction that we cannot will into or out of existence. Once it is gone, it is gone. No amount of talking can bring it back. Couples can learn how to co-exist in harmony but love lost is usually love gone. It also seems that you both made the typical mistake of thinking that a kid can save your marriage. Kids add more stress to a marriage and often men cheat when their wives are pregnant of after they have a kid. They stop seeing you as a hot lover and instead see you as a mother to a child. All of a sudden your husband is no longer the center of your universe, your child is and that affects some men.

If your husband is willing to save the marriage, give it a try. Do not focus on his previous cheating. That will never help matters. Jealousy springs from insecurity and fear of loss and it is obvious from your post that you have both. My wife and I have had sex with others but we never feared losing each other and were confident in what we offered to one another. Therefore no jealousy. We had sex with others. We never made love to them. There is a difference. It is difficult to make people un-feel what they are feeling. Jealousy is a very powerful emotion that once served a very important purpose. Still does as it keeps the couple together to make sure that they are both around to raise the kids that carry their genes. These days women can easily survive on their own and men no longer have to worry about spending their short lives and small resources raising a child that does not carry their genes. Longer lives, no more need to hunt and do it yourself DNA testing takes care of that problem nicely. Yet jealousy is still one of our strongest emotions and the idea of sex with others is still taught as the ultimate betrayal. No one minds if their husband goes to a restaurant to get pleasure from someone else's food. When it comes to sexual pleasure it is a much different story. Is marriage just about sexual exclusivity even when it is unsatisfying? I think not but I am in th minority. All I can say is that my wife and I have had a very good marriage for 44 years despite being non monogamous. We were not ****s eiether. We did not go looking for sex partners but once in a great while the circumstances were good for a little fun with someone else at no risk to the marriage. That is just our view. The rest of the world requires you to get mad and divorce. That is the moral thing to do apparently. I wish you luck but it does not sound good from what you said and how you feel. My heart goes out to you.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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