My husband is cheating on me...
(Update post #17)
…and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t want to live anymore. Every part of me hurts and the feeling never goes away. Every time he is on his phone or out of my sight I feel sick to my stomach. Wondering what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with, why she is better than me, how he could hurt me so badly. The worst part is that it’s my fault that this started.
We have been together for 7 years, married for less than a year. I had the drag him down the aisle - the aisle being city hall because it’s all I could get him to commit to.
We have one child together and I’m 8 months pregnant with our second. Our first was unplanned, he wanted me to have an abortion but it wasn’t something that I could do. I thought he would come around, everyone said he would. Eventually he did, when our daughter was nearly 3 years old. Our second child, that I’m pregnant with, was planned. I convinced my husband that we should have another one, after months he agreed. In hindsight, it was a mistake.
He seemed happy to try for another. He often talked to our daughter about being a big sister, he bought some baby things he found cute, he was interested in timing. But as soon as the test showed positive he backed out. He didn’t suggest abortion, but he didn’t have to. I knew what he was thinking, “what the hell did I get myself into/agree to”.
It started almost 2 years ago. He never wanted to have sex and didn’t want anything to do with me. I looked at his internet history and there was a lot of porn use and some visits to sex finding websites. He denied, said those sex finding websites were pop ups. Said the porn was because I wasn’t satisfying him. Which is true. I’m not sexually gifted. I have no confidence to try different things like role playing or really anything other than the basics, even dirty talk. I cannot orgasm from sex or foreplay, never have been able to unless I do it myself. He hates that and feels like he’s not doing a good enough job. The sex was (is) boring for him. He pulled away and I didn’t want to have sex because he wasn’t spending any time with me, wouldn’t warm up to it just wanted to stick it in and leave. When I told him I needed him to spend more time with me, touch me more, make me feel like he wants to be with me all of the time not just when he wants sex, he said that was stupid and basically that it wasn’t worth it. Why put in more effort for crappy sex. I get it. So he turned to porn and sex finding sites and I was useless to him.
We went to relationship/marriage counselling and things got a bit better. For a while we were happy and there was no sign of porn use or other women. We got married, got pregnant. Then those two pink lines showed on a pregnancy test in the first month of trying, and things went back down the toilet - again.
He withdrew, stopped spending time with me, intimacy stopped, sex became nonexistent. I searched his internet history and there wasn’t much, he learned to use incognito all the time. But sometimes he’d slip up and I’d find porn, sex finding sites, and dating sites.
3 months ago I found texts from another woman on his phone. He had deleted them but they could still be found. He talked to her ways that he never talked to me. The texts made it clear that they were physically intimate with one another. The things that he wrote to her, I cannot get out of my mind. She knows he is married. He told her that she is much better than I am, in and out of bed - of course she is, he’s sleeping with her not me. He’s betraying me and our kids for her. I’m not worth 5 minutes a day but she’s worth losing our marriage and children.
We obviously don’t have sex anymore, he has no desire for me and I’m not sleeping with him while he’s sleeping with someone else - especially while pregnant. I’ve been STD tested, and was fine. I have tried to initiate sex from time to time and he wants nothing to do with it. I asked him if he was cheating and he said no every time. He blames his distance and behaviour on the stress of a new baby coming. Keeps saying it will get better.
A month ago I had to go away for a weekend for a training seminar. I was sick to my stomach for weeks leading up to it. I begged him to come with me, he could have. I feel like I handed my husband to this other woman on a silver platter. And I was right, after I left our daughter went to his parents house because my husband was “sick”. She stayed there all weekend and my husband was MIA. We have security cameras outside our home and in the main rooms. I went online to view them and they were mysteriously unplugged. My husband said there was a power outage. That only affected our house… I have friends that live 2-3 streets over. Knowing that he brought another woman into our home made me want to drench the whole house in bleach. Every time I lay in bed or sit on a chair or couch, I wonder if they had sex in that spot.
Every time he leaves the house it kills me. I lay awake half the night knowing what he’s doing and wanting to die. He comes home, showers and either sleeps on the couch or in our bed as far away from me as possible. I pretend to be asleep… I asked him to go to MC with me again, and he always says it’s a waste of time and money.
I don’t know where to go from here…. The simple answer is “Just leave! Why are you being such a doormat? You are a terrible example for your kids”. I know, I’ve heard it before. Currently, he is the main breadwinner. I have had to take most of my pregnancy off work due to some complications. The plan was for me to stay home for a year after this baby is born. He comes from a family of lawyers, including family lawyers. I’d probably get screwed in a divorce. I don’t have any family, I was raised in the foster system, tossed from home to home until I aged out. I feel completely stuck. It’s my fault I’m in this situation, I created the perfect breeding ground.
Will he ever stop and try to repair our marriage? What am I suppose to do to so that he wants me and not another woman? How do I fix this...
Last edited by sheilan; 05-17-2017 at 06:44 PM.