I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position.
When I saw the ex-wife I honestly felt bad for her. I knew that her ex-husband was cheating on her long before he divorced her. I wondered if I should have told her or not, or just keep it to myself and mind my own business. I chose the latter. I knew that her ex-husband didnít really want to marry her but did so out of obligation. I still stood up beside him and told her and 300 other people how great of a husband heíd be and that if anyone was going to make it, it was them. As I was giving the best man speech inside I was thinking that it wasnít going to last 3 years. I was right. I didnít exactly support their marriage. I always wondered why he was even with her. Sheís gorgeous, but she has a lot of issues from her childhood. He really struggled while he was with her and I never understood why he stayed around as long as he did. I should have supported them better rather than give no flack when he left her. I was mad at the way he left her, not that he did it.
I knew that she had been single for the last 6 years, since their divorce. My friend told me that he felt bad about it and wanted her to find someone. There are a couple mutual friends between us, this woman has been talked about between us. Unfairly, but itís happened. Maybe I just wanted to see if I could. Right before we had sex she said that she hadnít had sex with anyone since her ex-husband. I knew sex was going to happen and I had a bit of an ego boost. I donít like saying that but have to.
The ex-wife is a very quiet, reserved person. Always has been. She keeps to herself most of the time and really doesnít seem like the type to cause waves just for the sake of it. She (at least use to) has very bad anxiety in social situations. When she was married to my friend she would rarely go out with us. I could be wrong, of course, I donít really know her anymore.
It kills me how badly I hurt the other woman. Before we had sex she said I was a really good man, nothing could be farther from the truth. I try not to think about her, it really hurts when I do. Hurting her wasnít my intention. Right after we finished having sex she asked when I was going home (from the convention), if I wanted to go out together when we were home and that I could stay the night with her. After that I quickly decided who I was going to hurt more. My wife, by going further and spending the night with this woman. Or the other woman, by ditching her immediately after sex. Thatís when I told the woman that I was married, and hence wouldnít be contacting her again. I went and called my wife, though I didnít tell her what I had done.
I donít (or at least didnít, now I do) have problems in my marriage. Sometimes itís a bit boring but what marriage isnít? I wish I knew exactly why I cheated so I could feel confident that Iíd never do this again. I didnít think it would happen the first time. I can remove myself from situations that would lead to cheating, but thatís not bulletproof. I probably have to go to IC, as well as MC.
As badly as I feel for hurting the other woman, it doesn't compare to the pain I feel for hurting my wife. She has been nothing but great to me. She is an amazing wife and mother, beautiful inside and out. I don't want to ruin her life, but I guess that's already done. Iíve decided that I am going to tell my wife. I donít want her to hear it from someone else and she deserves to know. I havenít had sex with my wife since cheating on her. She doesnít have a huge sex drive so it hasnít been an issue. I understand that STD tests are in order. Iíd like to find a MC before telling my wife, so I can have that ready to go. I should also start IC.
I know it will take a lot of work to sustain my marriage. I will do anything. I need to talk to my wife before I talk to my friend. She deserves to know first. Telling my friend canít be nearly as hard as telling my wife. I donít know if I should contact the other woman and apologize. I donít want anything to do with her. I know that I hurt her, immensely, but sheís not who Iím married to. And her pain isnít going to be worse than my wifeís. She trusted me not to hurt her, but not it the same way that my wife does.
Is it better to tell my wife about it in MC, or at home then let her process? Do I tell my wife who I cheated with? She has a confrontational streak, I don't want her to start problems with anyone else. This is our problem. I suppose I have to tell her, though, otherwise she'll likely hear it from someone else since my friend will have to know.
You can swear till the cows come home but you are lying to yourself. It appears to me that your outer man and inner man are totally inconsistent. You present an outward man who is decent, respectable, cares for others, loves his wife and family etc, but the inner man is deceitful, dishonest and lacks respect for others. Why do I say that?
1. you could get up at your friends wedding and lie about his relationship. You feel sorry for the OW because you feel guilty of your own culpability in allowing the marriage to go ahead. Any decent person would have tried to stop it or at least refused to be part of it.
2. Using the guise of caring your f***** the OW because you WANTED to and only now you are beginning to realise that you are actually a piece of ****.
3. I guess your poor BW knows your character well as she has lived with you and had noted the inconsistencies already.
YOU need IC to find out why there is so much inconsistency between your inner man and your outer man. Anyone in your position always creates these problems.