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post #16 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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The first day I saw her, no sex wasn't on my mind or radar. By the last day, yeah it was.
Ok I forgive you. Feel better now?

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post #17 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

My goodness... how deep can one dig?

This looks more like a grave than a hole... please just stop.

Schedule both IC and MC, then let your wife know and why.

Accept the Karma that comes... and learn from it.

Quickly is best...

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #18 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Part of me tries to be angry or throw blame at her, by thinking "yeah well she screwed her ex-husbands best friend". Like that is suppose to make what I did any worse, that thinking needs to go. I took the lead every step of the way. Not only did I tell her that I was divorced, but I told her I wasn't that close with her ex-husband anymore. Two lies. The first was told when I was trying to get her to talk to me and feel more comfortable. The second was when she hesitated after we were in her room. The second lie was deliberately said to get her clothes off.

The first day I saw her, no sex wasn't on my mind or radar. By the last day, yeah it was.
And somewhere in there, your wife is the ''most important thing in the world to you.''

I abhor cheating, but you seem to have more issues going on that just this cheating situation. The fact that you lie rather easily, and make excuses for it, is where you should begin to figure out why you do that. That has little to do with your marriage, and more to do with your character.

Your wife should be told all of this, and allow her to make an informed decision as to whether she should remain with you or not.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #19 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

My suggestion is to tell your wife before MC. If you tell her in front of the counselor, she will feel like she has to behave in front of a 3rd party, and that's not fair.

Also, you should be deciding WITH her, not FOR her, whether you go together to MC at all. She may not want to even go.

IC for you is a great idea that doesn't require your wife to give her OK.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow

Last edited by Satya; 03-26-2017 at 06:40 PM.
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post #20 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 05:50 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

We are not perfect as human, lord knows that I've made mistakes in my past while I was married 💑 and yes, my current wife did find out what I was doing, too. You see, as we have both gotten closer to God, I look as my past cheating experience as grasping at straws for happiness, when my beautiful wife is right there, by my side. The grass is not always greener on the proverbial other side; in my case, wound up being mud... LOL 😁 I'm so grateful that we're still together as of this day. That's a blessing in itself. Thank the lord!
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post #21 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:33 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

Fence sit this one until you get a grip of why you lie to yourself the way you do. Your actions don't match your words at all. but your actions define who YOU really are though.

IC will help, but it will take time.

You preyed on this poor woman and you didn't care that you were going to hurt her because you wanted to bang her almost as soon as you got her to like you and see you in that light.

The picture you paint of caring about her doesn't reflect your actions one iota. Your actions speak loud and clear who you really are inside though.

You should feel like crap because inside you are a crappy man. Now that you know how low you can go, what are you going to do with this knowledge?

Do you like the guy you really are, or would you rather change to the guy you keep lying to yourself about that you are?

It's time to be more honest with yourself in order for you to truly be honest with anyone else.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #22 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:34 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

how would you feel if your wife had an A?

think about her pain.

write her a letter.

tell her before some one else does.
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post #23 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:04 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

Here you go my man:



If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #24 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 09:31 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Originally Posted by alexgunn View Post
No, maybe I'm that stupid.

They know each other but there were never friends, I don't think they've ever talked even. My wife just remembers her as the "weird, socially awkward chick who never talks".
I'd put good odds on that changing soon. You better fess up, and quick, if you want any chance of reconciliation with your wife. when she finds out from someone else, and she will, you will be truly screwed. You may be screwed even if you do admit it, depends on your wife, but at least you will have shown some regret. Either way you should seek help for your predatory ways.
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post #25 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position.

When I saw the ex-wife I honestly felt bad for her. I knew that her ex-husband was cheating on her long before he divorced her. I wondered if I should have told her or not, or just keep it to myself and mind my own business. I chose the latter. I knew that her ex-husband didnít really want to marry her but did so out of obligation. I still stood up beside him and told her and 300 other people how great of a husband heíd be and that if anyone was going to make it, it was them. As I was giving the best man speech inside I was thinking that it wasnít going to last 3 years. I was right. I didnít exactly support their marriage. I always wondered why he was even with her. Sheís gorgeous, but she has a lot of issues from her childhood. He really struggled while he was with her and I never understood why he stayed around as long as he did. I should have supported them better rather than give no flack when he left her. I was mad at the way he left her, not that he did it.

I knew that she had been single for the last 6 years, since their divorce. My friend told me that he felt bad about it and wanted her to find someone. There are a couple mutual friends between us, this woman has been talked about between us. Unfairly, but itís happened. Maybe I just wanted to see if I could. Right before we had sex she said that she hadnít had sex with anyone since her ex-husband. I knew sex was going to happen and I had a bit of an ego boost. I donít like saying that but have to.

The ex-wife is a very quiet, reserved person. Always has been. She keeps to herself most of the time and really doesnít seem like the type to cause waves just for the sake of it. She (at least use to) has very bad anxiety in social situations. When she was married to my friend she would rarely go out with us. I could be wrong, of course, I donít really know her anymore.

It kills me how badly I hurt the other woman. Before we had sex she said I was a really good man, nothing could be farther from the truth. I try not to think about her, it really hurts when I do. Hurting her wasnít my intention. Right after we finished having sex she asked when I was going home (from the convention), if I wanted to go out together when we were home and that I could stay the night with her. After that I quickly decided who I was going to hurt more. My wife, by going further and spending the night with this woman. Or the other woman, by ditching her immediately after sex. Thatís when I told the woman that I was married, and hence wouldnít be contacting her again. I went and called my wife, though I didnít tell her what I had done.

I donít (or at least didnít, now I do) have problems in my marriage. Sometimes itís a bit boring but what marriage isnít? I wish I knew exactly why I cheated so I could feel confident that Iíd never do this again. I didnít think it would happen the first time. I can remove myself from situations that would lead to cheating, but thatís not bulletproof. I probably have to go to IC, as well as MC.

As badly as I feel for hurting the other woman, it doesn't compare to the pain I feel for hurting my wife. She has been nothing but great to me. She is an amazing wife and mother, beautiful inside and out. I don't want to ruin her life, but I guess that's already done. Iíve decided that I am going to tell my wife. I donít want her to hear it from someone else and she deserves to know. I havenít had sex with my wife since cheating on her. She doesnít have a huge sex drive so it hasnít been an issue. I understand that STD tests are in order. Iíd like to find a MC before telling my wife, so I can have that ready to go. I should also start IC.

I know it will take a lot of work to sustain my marriage. I will do anything. I need to talk to my wife before I talk to my friend. She deserves to know first. Telling my friend canít be nearly as hard as telling my wife. I donít know if I should contact the other woman and apologize. I donít want anything to do with her. I know that I hurt her, immensely, but sheís not who Iím married to. And her pain isnít going to be worse than my wifeís. She trusted me not to hurt her, but not it the same way that my wife does.

Is it better to tell my wife about it in MC, or at home then let her process? Do I tell my wife who I cheated with? She has a confrontational streak, I don't want her to start problems with anyone else. This is our problem. I suppose I have to tell her, though, otherwise she'll likely hear it from someone else since my friend will have to know.
You can swear till the cows come home but you are lying to yourself. It appears to me that your outer man and inner man are totally inconsistent. You present an outward man who is decent, respectable, cares for others, loves his wife and family etc, but the inner man is deceitful, dishonest and lacks respect for others. Why do I say that?

1. you could get up at your friends wedding and lie about his relationship. You feel sorry for the OW because you feel guilty of your own culpability in allowing the marriage to go ahead. Any decent person would have tried to stop it or at least refused to be part of it.
2. Using the guise of caring your f***** the OW because you WANTED to and only now you are beginning to realise that you are actually a piece of ****.

3. I guess your poor BW knows your character well as she has lived with you and had noted the inconsistencies already.
YOU need IC to find out why there is so much inconsistency between your inner man and your outer man. Anyone in your position always creates these problems.

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post #26 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

Are you stupid? No, don't tell your wife.

BTW, is this you? http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Sto...irs&id=6989487
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post #27 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Now that's weird.

Either he's promoting his own blog or he decided to take the name of a psychologist who happens to write articles about affairs or it's just a very, very, strange coincidence.
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post #28 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

Alex, listen, I dont know what are you going to do about your wife now...that will be a long story, but by how you feel now, I would suggest this: consider it a mistake/learning experience, dont contact the other woman again and move on.

It's up to you how and IF you want to share this with your wife. Not all of us feel that sharing a mistake with our wives is absolutely necessary. If my wife cheated on me and she considered it a mistake, I would much rather not know (but would appreciate an STD test).

I'm that position where I wonder if I COULD seduce other women even if I'm married, if I still got it, and of course the answer is yes, but I'm starting to think that I dont have act it out to prove it to myself.

Regain dignity, move on, decide about your wife later. Write her a letter and date it but dont send it. See what come out now. You are too emotional now. Also: do you wanna tell your wife so she can freak out, divorce your ass and for what? For a stupid mistake which you might never ever make again?
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post #29 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Alex, listen, I dont know what are you going to do about your wife now...that will be a long story, but by how you feel now, I would suggest this: consider it a mistake/learning experience, dont contact the other woman again and move on.

It's up to you how and IF you want to share this with your wife. Not all of us feel that sharing a mistake with our wives is absolutely necessary. If my wife cheated on me and she considered it a mistake, I would much rather not know (but would appreciate an STD test).

I'm that position where I wonder if I COULD seduce other women even if I'm married, if I still got it, and of course the answer is yes, but I'm starting to think that I dont have act it out to prove it to myself.

Regain dignity, move on, decide about your wife later. Write her a letter and date it but dont send it. See what come out now. You are too emotional now. Also: do you wanna tell your wife so she can freak out, divorce your ass and for what? For a stupid mistake which you might never ever make again?
Ah, the age-old choice between honor and dishonor. Your opinion is for the OP to continue being dishonorable. Ride the wave, right?

Who cares if every day that passes after the betrayal without him doing the honorable thing is a betrayal unto itself? Who cares if it's all for naught if the OP gets caught, and that the days that he's wasting don't belong to just him, but his wife as well?

Let's all tell the OP to live a lie. Maybe he'll get away with it and nobody will be the wiser. Maybe he can teach himself to hide his shame from his wife for the rest of his life. Sure, the relationship will never be as it was, but at least he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions. Or maybe, he can tell her in a few months, magnifying the pain.

Yeah. That's the ticket.

Of course, my advice to the OP is to avoid advice from those of dubious character, as dubious character got the OP into this mess in the first place. Own up to being a flawed person who made a mistake. Own up to trying to figure out why you made the mistake. Own up, and perhaps be forgiven, or own up and get what you deserve. Either way, it's the first step in becoming an honorable man (again).
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post #30 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

I lied to her and said I was divorced.
Yep, you lied because you wanted to have sex with her. Plain and simple.

You went and sat beside her because you felt sorry for her.
No you wanted to have sex with her. You did have sex with her.

In my opinion, this is what the worst liars do:

When they start telling a story about one of their nefarious adventures, they start telling all about what they WEREN'T thinking.
My ex does the same. When she volunteers information about something that seems bad, she starts telling me she is/was NOT thinking the way I obviously feel she is actually thinking.

Like her, you know what you were thinking, what you did as a result. You are just having a hard time dealing with the fact that yes, you are just that bad of a person.

You have two choices:
You can go to your grave with the knowledge of what you did and never do this to your wife again, keep from hurting her by keeping her in the dark. You will have to take the guilt to your grave.
If your wife finds out, it will change how she feels about you forever, and rightfully so. Good chance she will find out eventually. Evil has a way of floating to the top.

Choice two:
Tell your wife, stop trying to cover your tracks with lies about what you weren't thinking. You made a plan, probably subconscious at first, that you didn't really think would be successful. You then realized it was a workable plan. You went through with your evil deed. You didn't continue cheating, but the deed can't be undone. The billet to your marriage can't be stuffed back in the barrel.
Tell her you messed up, beg her forgiveness, and hope she will be able to stay with you and somehow trust you again and hate the deed and not the man.


The right thing to do is tell her.
However, you haven't shown a propensity for doing the right thing.
No time like the present to start changing your ways.

Consequences. They can't be escaped.
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