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post #31 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Originally Posted by Dr. Stupid View Post
Ah, the age-old choice between honor and dishonor. Your opinion is for the OP to continue being dishonorable. Ride the wave, right?

Who cares if every day that passes after the betrayal without him doing the honorable thing is a betrayal unto itself? Who cares if it's all for naught if the OP gets caught, and that the days that he's wasting don't belong to just him, but his wife as well?

Let's all tell the OP to live a lie. Maybe he'll get away with it and nobody will be the wiser. Maybe he can teach himself to hide his shame from his wife for the rest of his life. Sure, the relationship will never be as it was, but at least he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions. Or maybe, he can tell her in a few months, magnifying the pain.

Yeah. That's the ticket.

Of course, my advice to the OP is to avoid advice from those of dubious character, as dubious character got the OP into this mess in the first place. Own up to being a flawed person who made a mistake. Own up to trying to figure out why you made the mistake. Own up, and perhaps be forgiven, or own up and get what you deserve. Either way, it's the first step in becoming an honorable man (again).
Hmmm to you Honor = Feel better about yourself by spilling everything to his wife and have her deal with it.

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post #32 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

Alex my man, if I take any of what you post at face value, it sound like you're treating this other chick as disposable once you got what you want and had a chance to realize what you done to your marriage. In addition to your duty to your wife, you owe the OW an apology for treating her like a used rubber once you reached your goal. You need to call her and tell her you're sorry you outright and barefaced lied about your marital status to seduce her, that you were enormously drawn to her, and just couldn't let it go. Admit to her that you're nothing but a piece of shyt, that you had so little self control to mislead her and allow yourself to walk on and step on her the way you did even after the way she was hurt by you friend.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #33 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Hmmm to you Honor = Feel better about yourself by spilling everything to his wife and have her deal with it.
Honour=Doing the right thing even at this late stage*
Dishonour=Keeping things to yourself because you're a coward

*The longer version - Having respect for his wife by giving her the oppotunity to make informed choices about her own life, even if OP has a price to pay.

I hope this unconfuses you
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post #34 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Here you go my man:


I work with several women in my department. Sometimes I am paired with one or more on a team sent out on over night trips. We travel together and usually take meals together since we are in the same car.

One of the girls is single, young, beautiful and flirtatious. One is having trouble in her marriage and talks about it a lot.

It would be easy to make a bad choice with either of these girls but I am aware of what could happen and will not let it.

I hate it when people say "one thing led to another" or "the next thing I knew we were having sex" or "it just happened". What happens is the result of a conscious choice - not fate- not something you cannot control. But something you choose to do. Posting all the justifications in the world does not change that. You do it because you want to do it.
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post #35 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Hmmm to you Honor = Feel better about yourself by spilling everything to his wife and have her deal with it.
Honor is honor. We all deal with the unfairness of life. The idea that the OP would be somehow selflessly shielding his poor, poor, wife from pain by not owning up to his misdeeds is laughable. We all know that one of an adulterers' favorite lines is "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you".

How often did that ever help?
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post #36 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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I'd put good odds on that changing soon. You better fess up, and quick, if you want any chance of reconciliation with your wife. when she finds out from someone else, and she will, you will be truly screwed. You may be screwed even if you do admit it, depends on your wife, but at least you will have shown some regret. Either way you should seek help for your predatory ways.
There is no fury like a woman scorned comes to mind.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #37 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

OP,
I wish I could mount an argument against you being an idiot but you have removed all counterpoints to any such attempt. Your lack of cognizant thought is remarkable and has reduced you to an individual of despicable character. You have so little thought to your actions that I find it very disturbing. In one fell swoop you managed to possibly destroy your marriage, your best friendship, and your honor while simultaneously inflicting pain on an already distressed, abused woman and the woman you vowed to cherish for life.

For individuals such as yourself there needs to be consequences, exactly in the way a parent spanks a child. Your mind is not capable of self control nor self correction and needs the "pain" of consequences to hopefully help you associate something bad with your actions. If you keep this from your wife and sidestep the ensuing storm then you must understand that your limited intellect will see this as you "getting away" with your affair thereby making the next time even easier. As time passes without issue you may in fact even try to contact the OW again to see if you can "get away with it" again, though I doubt she would give you the time of day after the way you treated her. If not, it will be some other woman who catches your eye and the act will get easier each time.

If you truly have the capacity to care enough then I strongly urge you to confess to your wife immediately and face the resulting onslaught of pain and anguish that you have caused your wife and family. I also advise that you tell your "best friend" and suffer the consequences there as well. In so doing you may experience enough pain and angst that it may act as a deterrent to your next foray into the land of self serving indulgence. I do not believe that you have the capacity to care deeply enough for others to do this because it may indeed cost you your marriage and your best friend. In truth, you are neither a good husband nor a good friend however by standing and taking the consequences you stand a chance of developing some character and moral fiber that may allow you to be.

Additionally, I would suggest that you request your friend to relay a message to his ex explaining how you did what you did but I can think of no verbal expression that could possibly explain how one treats another human being with such disdain.

Peace and long life
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post #38 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:39 PM
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I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

TBH I always wondered what type of douchbags prayed on vulnerable women and wondered how they went about breaking down their will power - not that it would be hard with such low self esteem - I meant specifically how a DBag could groom and break down such a woman over time. What they said and did, and how in the world they could live with themselves while doing it, knowing the aftermath would be such horrific pain and trauma for a little sex.

So thanks for being honest and showing me. If I understand correctly, the key is to just deny what you're doing until you've gotten the sex, they try to believe that YOU'RE the victim somehow. And somehow this was unavoidable or unexpected.

So a HUGE amount of denial.

It still baffles me... you knew the hoped for outcome because you programmed it... yet you surprised yourself? And since you couldn't see it coming, you couldn't stop it? Is that your final conclusion?


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post #39 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

Last night I told my wife. I was talking to my friend and he mentioned that he had to go meet with his ex-wife the next day (today). I didn't want him to hear it from someone else (his ex-wife), especially after we had just talked, so I told him. I just told him that we hooked up and it was a one time thing. I didn't go into details because honestly it's just going to be he-said, she-said and whose to say that she's even going to tell him. I wouldn't be telling an ex-spouse who I ****ed. He was pissed, more surprised though. He wanted to know how it happened and why I risked my marriage for her. His scraps. He was surprised that she let it go that far but said she always had an attraction towards me, which I never knew. He's still pissed, but I deserve that I suppose.

I had to tell my wife. She needed to hear it from me and I don't want her to feel like everyone knew. She didn't really react the way I was expecting and I know to expect her to get much worse. She might still be in shock. I expected her to get upset, mad at me, want a divorce, storm out, hate me. She thought I was joking at first and said it wasn't funny. When she realized that I was being serious she asked who it was that I slept with. After I told her she became more pissed than I have ever seen her, but not at me... At the other woman. She said she wanted to go see her, was going to "kill" her. She is mad at me for being so "gullible", "falling for a *****'s tricks" and not using protection. She was directly mad at me for a short while, there was some screaming, some crying, a bit of "hitting". But those feelings quickly transferred to the OW.

Last night my wife sent the other woman messages on Facebook. I didn't know about it until this morning.

"Who the hell do you think you are going around screwing another woman's husband? You couldn't keep your own husband so you had to manipulate mine into touching your disgusting body? How many other husbands have you ****ed? Stop being a home-wrecker and get your own husband. No wonder [your ex-husband] left you."

"You better hope that you don't get pregnant or pass any of your nasty diseases off to him. You'll find yourself in court being sued for every whorish penny you have."

The only reply was: "I didn't know he was married. I'm sorry." Followed by my wife continuing.

"Oh SURE, you ****ing *****. You know damn well that we're married. You came to our wedding for **** sake! [Your XH] was the ****ing best man! Don't feed me that crap."

"Of course he's married! He's a great man. A TAKEN man. The only way you can get your hands on someone like him is through manipulation. Just because no man wants you doesn't mean you can take someone else's husband."

"You're worthless. To my husband and every other man you've conned into your nasty ****."

"You know, I'd think that after having been cheated on and left for another woman you'd never want to hurt a woman the way you were hurt. You need **** that badly that you will destroy kids lives? Destroy another woman's life? Straight from MY husbands mouth you weren't even good. The worst sex he's had. Cleary you are a horrible person and [your XH] was right to divorce you. For a while we all felt bad for you, unbelievable."

"Everyone always thought you were bat**** crazy, from the day they met you. They were glad when [your XH] finally tossed you to the curb. You have been an entertaining source of jokes for years, including by [your XH] and [2 friends]."

"No man has wanted you in 6 years? It's because they are smart enough to stay the hell away from you. Get use to being alone and stop being a thieving *****. You want ****? Go to the street corner. Though, since you are so bad in bed you probably won't get paid. Of course, you will suck every **** in this city for free."

"Probably too busy ****ing another husband. Guess it's as close as you'll get to having another husband. Go be a street *****, like all the other people who grew up sucking their dad's **** and ****ing their brother. Yeah, everyone knows."

"You know, you'd think after you grew up ****ing and sucking **** you'd at least be good at it. Or do you save the good stuff for incest?"

How do I get my wife to A) stop before she gets a harassment charge and B) shift the blame to me? The one who is really to blame. She doesn't want to go to MC right now. She's going to wind up being charged with harassment if this keeps up.

There is a part of me that thinks it would be easier to just let the other woman take the blame, the anger, the hate. That isn't fair to her, or my marriage. I am just at fault as much as the other woman is. More, really, because I deceived her. The other woman doesn't owe my wife anything, she didn't promise to be faithful to her. I did. I broke that promise.

My wife sent my friend a message saying, "You sure dodged a bullet. Your ex-wife just ****ed my husband. You have a better taste in women now, might want to relook at your friends too." As of right now we haven't talked since I told him. I need to focus on my wife/marriage right now.

My wife doesn't want me to touch her, and she wants to know every detail of what happened. All week. She wants to know every detail of the sex and how good/bad it was. That seems like self-sabotaging. She doesn't want to go to MC right now but wants me to do IC because I'm "weak" and "easily tempted by *****s". She took the day off work and has been out for a while. She won't call or text me back and I have no idea where she is.
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post #40 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend.

I’m not writing her an apology. For what? We aren’t a couple, never were. If she read the signals wrong then that’s on her. What do you expect from someone who has been a baron wasteland for over half a decade. People lie all the time to get what they want, don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t believe someone who might as well be a stranger.

The only woman I care about here is my wife. The other woman is not my problem. She’s a grown ass woman, she makes her own choices.

Why would I have stopped a wedding between the other woman and my friend? I’m not in their relationship. If they wanted to spend 50K on a wedding that wouldn’t last then so be it. I’m not meddling in other people’s business.

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post #41 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend.
Sure you preyed on her. You took a vulnerable women that you knew "has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood", that you knew "has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know", and that you also knew "takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that", and used the fact that she already knew and trusted you to get her into bed; never mind that you had to lie to her and tell her that you were divorced because otherwise you knew that she would not have had sex with you. The fact that you did this with a woman with the full knowledge that your "friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds" when your friend left her for another woman is just cold blooded. The fact that you did not tell your wife that you had told her that you were divorced so that this innocent woman would take the blame, is even more heartless. Wow, if this is real, I do not know what else to say to you if you do not get this.
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post #42 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

"I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to"

Dude, stop kidding yourself. She was an equal participant because you told her you were divorced making yourself available. She is not the OW in this case as she didn't know you were still married until after the fact. I understand that your wife is mad at her but her anger needs to be turned on you. It doesn't matter if this lady was at your wedding or not. You told her you were divorced. She had a small shared history with you so she felt comfortable around you. She even asked to meet up with you after the conf ended in the assumption that this was the start of a relationship. This is all on you man. Once your wife figures out that her anger is misplaced well, stand by because you're going to have your ass handed to you. Hell yes you need to give an apology to the woman as well. She was mislead into the possible break up of a marriage that she thought was already over because you told her it was.
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post #43 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Alex my man, if I take any of what you post at face value, it sound like you're treating this other chick as disposable once you got what you want and had a chance to realize what you done to your marriage. In addition to your duty to your wife, you owe the OW an apology for treating her like a used rubber once you reached your goal. You need to call her and tell her you're sorry you outright and barefaced lied about your marital status to seduce her, that you were enormously drawn to her, and just couldn't let it go. Admit to her that you're nothing but a piece of shyt, that you had so little self control to mislead her and allow yourself to walk on and step on her the way you did even after the way she was hurt by you friend.
That's what I thought too. The OP says "as soon as he realized what he'd done" like this all just happened to him. No, he happened to her. If he was such a "good guy" at heart, he would have kept up the charade an hour or two longer so she didn't have to feel like a used rag.

Just amazing how the second AFTER he climaxed he grew a very guilty conscience and couldn't continue being an ass any longer.
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post #44 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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"I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to"

Dude, stop kidding yourself. She was an equal participant because you told her you were divorced making yourself available. She is not the OW in this case as she didn't know you were still married until after the fact. I understand that your wife is mad at her but her anger needs to be turned on you. It doesn't matter if this lady was at your wedding or not. You told her you were divorced. She had a small shared history with you so she felt comfortable around you. She even asked to meet up with you after the conf ended in the assumption that this was the start of a relationship. This is all on you man. Once your wife figures out that her anger is misplaced well, stand by because you're going to have your ass handed to you. Hell yes you need to give an apology to the woman as well. She was mislead into the possible break up of a marriage that she thought was already over because you told her it was.
So you really think that every man on the planet who has a ONS, a hook up, should send a formal ****ing apology letter? Get a grip. We ****ed, that's it. That's all it was ever going to be. If she thinks anything else then she's an idiot. Sex does not equal a relationship. She let me do whatever I wanted without hesitation, she wasn't a ****ing innocent victim. She wanted sex, that's what she got. She doesn't get a ****ing apology to go with it. What am I suppose to say "Oh, sorry for lying to you. Just wanted to get in your pants. Sorry you were so gullible. Thanks for the sex. -Alex".
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post #45 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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That's what I thought too. The OP says "as soon as he realized what he'd done" like this all just happened to him. No, he happened to her. If he was such a "good guy" at heart, he would have kept up the charade an hour or two longer so she didn't have to feel like a used rag.

Just amazing how the second AFTER he climaxed he grew a very guilty conscience and couldn't continue being an ass any longer.
I didn't stay with her because my wife is more important than she is. I knew my wife would be hurt additionally if I stayed the night. She even asked me if we spent the night together. And yah know, it was better for the other woman to. She quickly found out to only expect sex. Imagine she would have thought there was a higher chance of a relationship had I spent the night.
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