I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 11:42 PM Thread Starter
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I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

As the title suggests, this situation is a crap show.

I have been married to my wife for 10 years, weíre mid-30ís. I donít usually use the term Ďbest friendí but in this posting I will, because if I had to pick one it would be him. I have a friend who I have been very close friends with for 30 years. We were each otherís best man at our weddings, for him, both of his weddings.

My friend was married for 2 years to a woman he has a child with and was with for a total of 8 years. They have been divorced for 6 years and he is re-married. He left his ex-wife for another woman, and despite being a jerk off he does still care about his ex-wife. Especially since they share a child.

His ex-wife and I work in related fields. Three weeks ago there was a 7 day conference/training program that we both attended. I had no idea that she would be there but recognized her immediately. It was awkward in the beginning and we avoided each other. We havenít talked since their divorce.

She has been single since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesnít know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that.

She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a Ďnormalí woman, and instantly made a family with her. I sat with her and just tried to get her to talk to me. I stupidly told her that I was divorced. I donít know why I said that, it just quickly flew from my mouth to try and make her feel better. After that I kept sitting with her because I felt like I had to at that point. We went out to lunch a few times, because the food there wasnít great. She was flirting a bit and I let it happen because in my head I was thinking that it was harmless, maybe made her feel better and once we're home we never see each other. I flirted back, along the same thinking that it would be harmless and make her feel better. On the last day we went out to dinner and afterwards I walked her back to her room. Before I left I kissed her and one thing led to another and we had sex. Right before we had sex she told me that she hadnít been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. I mean, it was, in a way. Thatís what led to it. She is a gorgeous woman though.

This occurred 3 weeks ago. My wife doesnít know, nor does my friend. My wife is my world. I have never cheated on her before this. We have a good marriage, there are ups and downs of course but Iím happy with her. I donít want to lose my family, my wife and my kids mean everything to me. I donít want to hurt my wife but I betrayed her in the worst possible way. She doesnít suspect anything, if she does she hasnít said anything. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about it, I have never been in this situation before. I donít want to unnecessarily hurt my wife. I am never going to cheat on her again. Should I still tell her? It is probably the biggest mistake of my life. Should I keep it buried and hope my wife never finds out? That seems worse, but it would spare her the pain. I would rather live in pain than fill her with pain to get it off my chest.

Then there is my close friend. He has no idea either. He and his ex-wife donít talk unless itís directly about their child, and even then itís very limited. I donít think she would tell anyone, but who knows really. She was totally humiliated by what I did, I would think that she doesnít want to tell anyone. If this does come out, I donít want to lose a good friend. He has always been against friends getting involved with exís. That relationship may be impossible to repair, just like the other relationships I destroyed.

Now Iím a giant **** that betrayed his wife, betrayed his friend and hurt a really good woman. If I could take it back I would. I donít know how I allowed that situation to happen, and there os no one to blame but myself.

Should I tell my wife? I feel like I should, but what the hell do I know Iím clearly an idiot. If so, how do I tell her and have the best possible chance at salvaging our marriage. Iíd do anything to keep our marriage going. And on the same note, how do I tell my friend that I slept with his ex-wife? And how badly I hurt her in the processÖ

I havenít talked to the other woman since I left her hotel room. Part of me wants to try and make amends with her but that led me to trouble last time and for my wife, I want to cease all contact permanently.

I have never felt so poorly about myself, and didnít know I ever could or would.

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post #2 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:17 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

It's good and necessary you feel poorly you did an evil thing. I think you know why you told her you were divorced. It wasn't a fluke. This is one of those things you will spend the rest of your life dealing with. Cheating leads to a form of death. You killed your marriage, you murdered it. But if you want any chance of getting your honor back you tell your wife and reap the whirlwind. The rest is up to her.

By the way if I was this women I would tell you wife just to screw you the way you used her, you deserve it. If she comes on here I would tell her to tell your wife to. You might want to get ahead of this.

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post #3 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:32 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

You can start by being honest with yourself. I don't believe in the idea that affairs "just happen." The seeds of the final act are often planted through attitudes, habits, beliefs, aka "morals" that are lived for a long time before the disaster happens. You will do yourself and the others a disservice in telling them it just happened and they don't have to worry about it repeating.

If I had a spouse do to me what you did I would want you to tell me up front, no excuses, so I could divorce you asap. So, are you going to be honest about all this?
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post #4 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:42 AM
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Go ahead and read "how to help your spouse heal from an affair"

You sound extremely regretful. My cheating husband would have never come on a website asking for help ... so at least you have something going for you.

She deserves to know but please be prepared. She needs to know the truth. Don't minimize it.
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post #5 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:53 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

Wow. You have really put yourself in a bad spot. There were many times during that week that you should have told her that you were not divorced, stopped the flirting and not ended up where you are now.

No point rehashing all the times you could have prevented this from happening, since the deed is done now.

Your wife deserves the truth. She needs to hear it from you. If this comes to her another way, your chances are even more dismal. She will never be able to trust you fully again, and forget how she will feel about your future work trips. Bare your soul, lay it all out for her, and beg her forgiveness.

IF she is able to forgive you, I hope you will never let anything happen again.

Ciao,

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post #6 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 01:36 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

You are still trying to control an outcome not in your control, that left you with your poor choices.

Once you accept that, everything else will happen as it needs to happen when you humble yourself and share your failing to keep your promises.

Remember, the fear you feel is only because you are trying to protect yourself... some people come into situations where life isn't very fair, I'm afraid you've earned this.

You wife didn't... you have a lot of heavy lifting to do.

It is possible to earn enough back to survive this... be strong and pray she is stronger than you.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #7 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:13 AM
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Cool Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

You said something deceptive to reap the benefits of a deceptive act that, not one, not two, not three, but four entities are now a part of, and will remain a part of until the great hereafter!

You need to confess to and apologize to your wife: how in the world that you'll accomplish that feat I do not know! But with regard to her, your deception in eliciting a "fringe benefit" must be dealt with because if you decide to play silent with it, odds are that it will be uncovered at some most inopportune time! Upon disclosure to her, I would recommend immediately getting yourselves into extensive marriage counseling greatly provided that she is amenable to it! If she is not, then you should seek out individual counseling!

Secondly, you need to apologize to the woman that you so grossly violated by deceptively working on her psychological and sexual inadequacies to get her into a position where you violated your own marital vows to your wife! That, too won't be an easy or enviable task!

Thirdly, you need to come clean with your friend, as he needs to know the full story of how all of this came to evolve, since he is in a position of speaking and communicating with her on an ongoing basis because of the commonality of their child!

Lastly, after you have procured forgiveness from these three aforementioned parties, you must try to forgive yourself through the presence of God, because if you can't find it in your heart to do so, how could you expect it of anybody else? To do this, I would recommend the enlistment of a senior church pastor or counselor, along with extensive meditating with Him over what it was that you obviously had no real problem in choosing to do!

It won't exactly be an easy roadmap for you to follow, but you can do it! Please be assured that my heartfelt prayers will be going out for you as well!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 03-26-2017 at 02:32 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #8 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:25 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

You can deceive yourself all you want but the reality is that you have caused irreparable damage to your wife. Once trust is broken, it is never the same again believe me as I'm a betrayed spouse who has forgiven my husband of his affair. Every time he's late, or doesn't call or his behavior changes has me feeling anxious, not to mention the feelings of inadequacy that I had to deal with knowing that my husband has done intimate things with someone else. That's the legacy that you have given her through your selfish behavior. You're better off confessing before the other woman out you to her, if you have any chance of helping her fix her wounded heart and be prepared for her image of you to change.

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post #9 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 05:19 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Three weeks ago there was a 7 day conference/training program that we both attended. I had no idea that she would be there but recognized her immediately. It was awkward in the beginning and we avoided each other. We havenít talked since their divorce.

She has been single since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesnít know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that.

She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. (It's been years since you saw her, you should have more confidence in people's ability to heal from tragedy. Enter the White Knight). My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a Ďnormalí woman, and instantly made a family with her. (Doesn't sound like the kind of friend I'd want to keep in my life, but that's just me). I sat with her and just tried to get her to talk to me. I stupidly told her that I was divorced. I donít know why I said that, it just quickly flew from my mouth to try and make her feel better. (Rationalization. You know why. Obviously to get to know her more intimately. You are coming to the rescue after all). After that I kept sitting with her because I felt like I had to at that point. We went out to lunch a few times, because the food there wasnít great. She was flirting a bit and I let it happen because in my head I was thinking that it was harmless, maybe made her feel better and once we're home we never see each other. I flirted back, along the same thinking that it would be harmless and make her feel better. (Because she's so miserable and alone and why not save her...). On the last day we went out to dinner and afterwards I walked her back to her room. Before I left I kissed her and one thing led to another and we had sex. (I seriously loathe this phrase. One thing did not just "lead" to another. You had sex. End of. You wanted to have sex. You proceeded to have it. You had it. Accept the truth and LIVE in it. Your wife and most of us here will not accept this childish avoidance of responsibility. You are an adult). Right before we had sex she told me that she hadnít been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex (Not before? Not during??) I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. (Well, after all that White Knighting, you found you didn't really want to save her after all. So you C4 the castle wall and leave a bunch of rubble in your wake, as you ride off into the sunset. I mean, it was, in a way. Thatís what led to it. She is a gorgeous woman though. (I'm sure your wife would like to know you think so. Why should a beautiful woman be alone? That's so cruel).

This occurred 3 weeks ago. My wife doesnít know, nor does my friend. My wife is my world. I have never cheated on her before this. We have a good marriage, (but clearly not good enough to be affair-proof) there are ups and downs of course but Iím happy with her. I donít want to lose my family, my wife and my kids mean everything to me. (You gave them up yourself the moment you slept with the OW). I donít want to hurt my wife but I betrayed her in the worst possible way. She doesnít suspect anything, if she does she hasnít said anything. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about it, I have never been in this situation before. I donít want to unnecessarily hurt my wife. I am never going to cheat on her again.(The hurt is just there, waiting to happen. You can't avoid it, she is allowed to feel it is she chooses. Saying you'll "never" cheat again is premature. You need to SHOW, with actions, for a long, consistent amount of time, that you won't cheat. Trust is EARNED). Should I still tell her? It is probably the biggest mistake of my life. (I'd argue that not telling her would be a bigger one). Should I keep it buried and hope my wife never finds out? That seems worse, but it would spare her the pain. I would rather live in pain than fill her with pain to get it off my chest.

Then there is my close friend. He has no idea either. He and his ex-wife donít talk unless itís directly about their child, and even then itís very limited. I donít think she would tell anyone, but who knows really. She was totally humiliated by what I did, I would think that she doesnít want to tell anyone. (Hell hath no fury...). If this does come out, I donít want to lose a good friend (That would be the least of your problems, and he doesn't sound like an upstanding peer anyway).. He has always been against friends getting involved with exís. That relationship may be impossible to repair, just like the other relationships I destroyed.

Now Iím a giant **** that betrayed his wife, betrayed his friend and hurt a really good woman. If I could take it back I would. I donít know how I allowed that situation to happen, and there os no one to blame but myself.

Should I tell my wife? I feel like I should, but what the hell do I know Iím clearly an idiot. If so, how do I tell her and have the best possible chance at salvaging our marriage. Iíd do anything to keep our marriage going. (Be prepared to do some HEAVY lifting). And on the same note, how do I tell my friend that I slept with his ex-wife? And how badly I hurt her in the processÖ

I havenít talked to the other woman since I left her hotel room. Part of me wants to try and make amends with her but that led me to trouble last time and for my wife, I want to cease all contact permanently.

I have never felt so poorly about myself, and didnít know I ever could or would.
You rationalize and make excuses so much, I don't even know where to begin. So I just bolded all of the... Pardon me... Bull doodoo that you really need to get straight in preparation for confessing to your wife. You are going to be hit with some strong 2x4s for coming here, so I caution you to pull your bootstraps up or if you can't take hearing the hard truth, you go over to the SI board, where more hugs are distributed.

Of COURSE you tell her. You had SEX with a woman NOT YOUR WIFE. You have been exposed to possible STDS and if you love and care about your wife as much as you claim, you're going to tell her so she can get herself to a doctor ASAP, assuming you've had sex with her since your affair 3 weeks ago). You are endangering her health by not telling her. I don't know what you think that is, but to me that isn't anything remotely resembling love.

Losing your wife and your marriage dropped from your control the moment you slept with that woman. Your wife has a right to choose for herself whether she wants to stay with you or not. IMO denying her that basic and deserved spousal and human right is 100x cruddier than even the act of you banging another woman.

Do the right thing. Not the easy thing, the RIGHT thing.

And if you've been having sex with your wife, stop it and get STD tested. Tell her to get tested, and that you willfully endangered her health. That's the most loving thing you could do today.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow

Last edited by Satya; 03-26-2017 at 05:27 AM.
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post #10 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind.
Alex, Alex, Alex my man. Explain one more time why you waited until after you slept with her that you told her you were married. I'm trying to decide if you really think we're that frigin stupid. If you haven't already, tell her what really happened at the conference. Then the two of you go have lunch and don't do what you did anymore.


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post #11 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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You said something deceptive to reap the benefits of a deceptive act that, not one, not two, not three, but four entities are now a part of, and will remain a part of until the great hereafter!

This is the crux of it.

But what jumped out was "She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a Ďnormalí woman, and instantly made a family with her"

You zeroed in on her, knew she was vulnerable then used what happened to her against her for your benefit. It's called grooming and it's predatory.

After that all the meetings and getting her to open up with only one intention in mind and once that was fulfilled you've done something else, and that is use your wife as an excuse for cutting and bailing.

Seems to me you use everyone around you for your personal gain. Accept responsibility for what you've done and make things right by telling all. Most likely your friend will find out and then he will probably tell your wife.
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post #12 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 10:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position.

When I saw the ex-wife I honestly felt bad for her. I knew that her ex-husband was cheating on her long before he divorced her. I wondered if I should have told her or not, or just keep it to myself and mind my own business. I chose the latter. I knew that her ex-husband didnít really want to marry her but did so out of obligation. I still stood up beside him and told her and 300 other people how great of a husband heíd be and that if anyone was going to make it, it was them. As I was giving the best man speech inside I was thinking that it wasnít going to last 3 years. I was right. I didnít exactly support their marriage. I always wondered why he was even with her. Sheís gorgeous, but she has a lot of issues from her childhood. He really struggled while he was with her and I never understood why he stayed around as long as he did. I should have supported them better rather than give no flack when he left her. I was mad at the way he left her, not that he did it.

I knew that she had been single for the last 6 years, since their divorce. My friend told me that he felt bad about it and wanted her to find someone. There are a couple mutual friends between us, this woman has been talked about between us. Unfairly, but itís happened. Maybe I just wanted to see if I could. Right before we had sex she said that she hadnít had sex with anyone since her ex-husband. I knew sex was going to happen and I had a bit of an ego boost. I donít like saying that but have to.

The ex-wife is a very quiet, reserved person. Always has been. She keeps to herself most of the time and really doesnít seem like the type to cause waves just for the sake of it. She (at least use to) has very bad anxiety in social situations. When she was married to my friend she would rarely go out with us. I could be wrong, of course, I donít really know her anymore.

It kills me how badly I hurt the other woman. Before we had sex she said I was a really good man, nothing could be farther from the truth. I try not to think about her, it really hurts when I do. Hurting her wasnít my intention. Right after we finished having sex she asked when I was going home (from the convention), if I wanted to go out together when we were home and that I could stay the night with her. After that I quickly decided who I was going to hurt more. My wife, by going further and spending the night with this woman. Or the other woman, by ditching her immediately after sex. Thatís when I told the woman that I was married, and hence wouldnít be contacting her again. I went and called my wife, though I didnít tell her what I had done.

I donít (or at least didnít, now I do) have problems in my marriage. Sometimes itís a bit boring but what marriage isnít? I wish I knew exactly why I cheated so I could feel confident that Iíd never do this again. I didnít think it would happen the first time. I can remove myself from situations that would lead to cheating, but thatís not bulletproof. I probably have to go to IC, as well as MC.

As badly as I feel for hurting the other woman, it doesn't compare to the pain I feel for hurting my wife. She has been nothing but great to me. She is an amazing wife and mother, beautiful inside and out. I don't want to ruin her life, but I guess that's already done. Iíve decided that I am going to tell my wife. I donít want her to hear it from someone else and she deserves to know. I havenít had sex with my wife since cheating on her. She doesnít have a huge sex drive so it hasnít been an issue. I understand that STD tests are in order. Iíd like to find a MC before telling my wife, so I can have that ready to go. I should also start IC.

I know it will take a lot of work to sustain my marriage. I will do anything. I need to talk to my wife before I talk to my friend. She deserves to know first. Telling my friend canít be nearly as hard as telling my wife. I donít know if I should contact the other woman and apologize. I donít want anything to do with her. I know that I hurt her, immensely, but sheís not who Iím married to. And her pain isnít going to be worse than my wifeís. She trusted me not to hurt her, but not it the same way that my wife does.

Is it better to tell my wife about it in MC, or at home then let her process? Do I tell my wife who I cheated with? She has a confrontational streak, I don't want her to start problems with anyone else. This is our problem. I suppose I have to tell her, though, otherwise she'll likely hear it from someone else since my friend will have to know.
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post #13 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

"I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position."

Let's see, you told her you were divorced, spent time with her, took her to dinner, romantically walked her to back to her room, passionately kissed her, and "it" just happened. Yep, you think we're that friggin stupid. Good practice for you dealing with the wife though.

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post #14 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left.
This is my favorite part. It was all good until you shot your load and then suddenly reality hit you. The entire time you were happily screwing away there was no rational thought, you were some sort of crazed animal with no common sense.
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post #15 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

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"I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position."

Let's see, you told her you were divorced, spent time with her, took her to dinner, romantically walked her to back to her room, passionately kissed her, and "it" just happened. Yep, you think we're that friggin stupid.
No, maybe I'm that stupid.

At first I legitimately felt like an a-hole for letting her sit alone. I was going out for lunch after and asked her to go just to be nice. I enjoyed spending time with her. It was fun, relaxing and a nice change to my regular life (problem 1). I told my wife that she was there and that I went out to lunch with her, my wife didn't care about that. They know each other but there were never friends, I don't think they've ever talked even. My wife just remembers her as the "weird, socially awkward chick who never talks". I kept spending time with her because I enjoyed it and (or told myself) because I didn't want to ditch her after spending time with her (problem 2). I should have cut back on how much time I spent with her. Sitting by her in a seminar, whatever, the lunches shouldn't have happened. At least not alone. Going out to dinner was wrong, especially to an actual restaurant. I felt something when I was sitting across from her and started thinking about her sexually (problem 3). I should have ended it right there. I walked her back to her room because we were staying in the same hotel. I told her I was staying on the same floor, which was a lie (problem 4). And that's where I actually started thinking about having sex with her that night. I kissed her, she pulled back for a second and I kissed her again. There was a long pause while she was thinking and we were standing outside her door, I could have turned back. But when she finally asked if I wanted to go in I said yes. There was plenty of opportunities to stop, I didn't. That's on me.

Part of me tries to be angry or throw blame at her, by thinking "yeah well she screwed her ex-husbands best friend". Like that is suppose to make what I did any worse, that thinking needs to go. I took the lead every step of the way. Not only did I tell her that I was divorced, but I told her I wasn't that close with her ex-husband anymore. Two lies. The first was told when I was trying to get her to talk to me and feel more comfortable. The second was when she hesitated after we were in her room. The second lie was deliberately said to get her clothes off.

The first day I saw her, no sex wasn't on my mind or radar. By the last day, yeah it was.
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