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I cheated on my wife with my best friends ex-wife

34K views 206 replies 57 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
As the title suggests, this situation is a crap show.

I have been married to my wife for 10 years, we’re mid-30’s. I don’t usually use the term ‘best friend’ but in this posting I will, because if I had to pick one it would be him. I have a friend who I have been very close friends with for 30 years. We were each other’s best man at our weddings, for him, both of his weddings.

My friend was married for 2 years to a woman he has a child with and was with for a total of 8 years. They have been divorced for 6 years and he is re-married. He left his ex-wife for another woman, and despite being a jerk off he does still care about his ex-wife. Especially since they share a child.

His ex-wife and I work in related fields. Three weeks ago there was a 7 day conference/training program that we both attended. I had no idea that she would be there but recognized her immediately. It was awkward in the beginning and we avoided each other. We haven’t talked since their divorce.

She has been single since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that.

She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a ‘normal’ woman, and instantly made a family with her. I sat with her and just tried to get her to talk to me. I stupidly told her that I was divorced. I don’t know why I said that, it just quickly flew from my mouth to try and make her feel better. After that I kept sitting with her because I felt like I had to at that point. We went out to lunch a few times, because the food there wasn’t great. She was flirting a bit and I let it happen because in my head I was thinking that it was harmless, maybe made her feel better and once we're home we never see each other. I flirted back, along the same thinking that it would be harmless and make her feel better. On the last day we went out to dinner and afterwards I walked her back to her room. Before I left I kissed her and one thing led to another and we had sex. Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. I mean, it was, in a way. That’s what led to it. She is a gorgeous woman though.

This occurred 3 weeks ago. My wife doesn’t know, nor does my friend. My wife is my world. I have never cheated on her before this. We have a good marriage, there are ups and downs of course but I’m happy with her. I don’t want to lose my family, my wife and my kids mean everything to me. I don’t want to hurt my wife but I betrayed her in the worst possible way. She doesn’t suspect anything, if she does she hasn’t said anything. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about it, I have never been in this situation before. I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt my wife. I am never going to cheat on her again. Should I still tell her? It is probably the biggest mistake of my life. Should I keep it buried and hope my wife never finds out? That seems worse, but it would spare her the pain. I would rather live in pain than fill her with pain to get it off my chest.

Then there is my close friend. He has no idea either. He and his ex-wife don’t talk unless it’s directly about their child, and even then it’s very limited. I don’t think she would tell anyone, but who knows really. She was totally humiliated by what I did, I would think that she doesn’t want to tell anyone. If this does come out, I don’t want to lose a good friend. He has always been against friends getting involved with ex’s. That relationship may be impossible to repair, just like the other relationships I destroyed.

Now I’m a giant **** that betrayed his wife, betrayed his friend and hurt a really good woman. If I could take it back I would. I don’t know how I allowed that situation to happen, and there os no one to blame but myself.

Should I tell my wife? I feel like I should, but what the hell do I know I’m clearly an idiot. If so, how do I tell her and have the best possible chance at salvaging our marriage. I’d do anything to keep our marriage going. And on the same note, how do I tell my friend that I slept with his ex-wife? And how badly I hurt her in the process…

I haven’t talked to the other woman since I left her hotel room. Part of me wants to try and make amends with her but that led me to trouble last time and for my wife, I want to cease all contact permanently.

I have never felt so poorly about myself, and didn’t know I ever could or would.
 
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#2 · (Edited)
It's good and necessary you feel poorly you did an evil thing. I think you know why you told her you were divorced. It wasn't a fluke. This is one of those things you will spend the rest of your life dealing with. Cheating leads to a form of death. You killed your marriage, you murdered it. But if you want any chance of getting your honor back you tell your wife and reap the whirlwind. The rest is up to her.

By the way if I was this women I would tell you wife just to screw you the way you used her, you deserve it. If she comes on here I would tell her to tell your wife to. You might want to get ahead of this.
 
#3 ·
You can start by being honest with yourself. I don't believe in the idea that affairs "just happen." The seeds of the final act are often planted through attitudes, habits, beliefs, aka "morals" that are lived for a long time before the disaster happens. You will do yourself and the others a disservice in telling them it just happened and they don't have to worry about it repeating.

If I had a spouse do to me what you did I would want you to tell me up front, no excuses, so I could divorce you asap. So, are you going to be honest about all this?
 
#4 ·
Go ahead and read "how to help your spouse heal from an affair"

You sound extremely regretful. My cheating husband would have never come on a website asking for help ... so at least you have something going for you.

She deserves to know but please be prepared. She needs to know the truth. Don't minimize it.
 
#5 ·
Wow. You have really put yourself in a bad spot. There were many times during that week that you should have told her that you were not divorced, stopped the flirting and not ended up where you are now.

No point rehashing all the times you could have prevented this from happening, since the deed is done now.

Your wife deserves the truth. She needs to hear it from you. If this comes to her another way, your chances are even more dismal. She will never be able to trust you fully again, and forget how she will feel about your future work trips. Bare your soul, lay it all out for her, and beg her forgiveness.

IF she is able to forgive you, I hope you will never let anything happen again.
 
#6 ·
You are still trying to control an outcome not in your control, that left you with your poor choices.

Once you accept that, everything else will happen as it needs to happen when you humble yourself and share your failing to keep your promises.

Remember, the fear you feel is only because you are trying to protect yourself... some people come into situations where life isn't very fair, I'm afraid you've earned this.

You wife didn't... you have a lot of heavy lifting to do.

It is possible to earn enough back to survive this... be strong and pray she is stronger than you.
 
#7 · (Edited)
You said something deceptive to reap the benefits of a deceptive act that, not one, not two, not three, but four entities are now a part of, and will remain a part of until the great hereafter!

You need to confess to and apologize to your wife: how in the world that you'll accomplish that feat I do not know! But with regard to her, your deception in eliciting a "fringe benefit" must be dealt with because if you decide to play silent with it, odds are that it will be uncovered at some most inopportune time! Upon disclosure to her, I would recommend immediately getting yourselves into extensive marriage counseling greatly provided that she is amenable to it! If she is not, then you should seek out individual counseling!

Secondly, you need to apologize to the woman that you so grossly violated by deceptively working on her psychological and sexual inadequacies to get her into a position where you violated your own marital vows to your wife! That, too won't be an easy or enviable task!

Thirdly, you need to come clean with your friend, as he needs to know the full story of how all of this came to evolve, since he is in a position of speaking and communicating with her on an ongoing basis because of the commonality of their child!

Lastly, after you have procured forgiveness from these three aforementioned parties, you must try to forgive yourself through the presence of God, because if you can't find it in your heart to do so, how could you expect it of anybody else? To do this, I would recommend the enlistment of a senior church pastor or counselor, along with extensive meditating with Him over what it was that you obviously had no real problem in choosing to do!

It won't exactly be an easy roadmap for you to follow, but you can do it! Please be assured that my heartfelt prayers will be going out for you as well!
 
#11 ·
You said something deceptive to reap the benefits of a deceptive act that, not one, not two, not three, but four entities are now a part of, and will remain a part of until the great hereafter!

This is the crux of it.

But what jumped out was "She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a ‘normal’ woman, and instantly made a family with her"

You zeroed in on her, knew she was vulnerable then used what happened to her against her for your benefit. It's called grooming and it's predatory.

After that all the meetings and getting her to open up with only one intention in mind and once that was fulfilled you've done something else, and that is use your wife as an excuse for cutting and bailing.

Seems to me you use everyone around you for your personal gain. Accept responsibility for what you've done and make things right by telling all. Most likely your friend will find out and then he will probably tell your wife.
 
#8 ·
You can deceive yourself all you want but the reality is that you have caused irreparable damage to your wife. Once trust is broken, it is never the same again believe me as I'm a betrayed spouse who has forgiven my husband of his affair. Every time he's late, or doesn't call or his behavior changes has me feeling anxious, not to mention the feelings of inadequacy that I had to deal with knowing that my husband has done intimate things with someone else. That's the legacy that you have given her through your selfish behavior. You're better off confessing before the other woman out you to her, if you have any chance of helping her fix her wounded heart and be prepared for her image of you to change.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk
 
#9 · (Edited)
Three weeks ago there was a 7 day conference/training program that we both attended. I had no idea that she would be there but recognized her immediately. It was awkward in the beginning and we avoided each other. We haven’t talked since their divorce.

She has been single since their divorce. She has a bad past, which involved rape, molestation and abuse from multiple family members most of her childhood. She has a lot of trouble trusting men that she doesn’t know. It takes a long time to earn her trust and new men are not going to stick around for that.

She was always sitting alone and I felt bad for her. (It's been years since you saw her, you should have more confidence in people's ability to heal from tragedy. Enter the White Knight). My friend ripped her heart out, stomped on it and ripped it to shreds. He left her for another woman, a ‘normal’ woman, and instantly made a family with her. (Doesn't sound like the kind of friend I'd want to keep in my life, but that's just me). I sat with her and just tried to get her to talk to me. I stupidly told her that I was divorced. I don’t know why I said that, it just quickly flew from my mouth to try and make her feel better. (Rationalization. You know why. Obviously to get to know her more intimately. You are coming to the rescue after all). After that I kept sitting with her because I felt like I had to at that point. We went out to lunch a few times, because the food there wasn’t great. She was flirting a bit and I let it happen because in my head I was thinking that it was harmless, maybe made her feel better and once we're home we never see each other. I flirted back, along the same thinking that it would be harmless and make her feel better. (Because she's so miserable and alone and why not save her...). On the last day we went out to dinner and afterwards I walked her back to her room. Before I left I kissed her and one thing led to another and we had sex. (I seriously loathe this phrase. One thing did not just "lead" to another. You had sex. End of. You wanted to have sex. You proceeded to have it. You had it. Accept the truth and LIVE in it. Your wife and most of us here will not accept this childish avoidance of responsibility. You are an adult). Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex (Not before? Not during??) I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind. Then I proceeded to say that I felt bad for her and things went to far, making her think it was a pity ****. (Well, after all that White Knighting, you found you didn't really want to save her after all. So you C4 the castle wall and leave a bunch of rubble in your wake, as you ride off into the sunset. I mean, it was, in a way. That’s what led to it. She is a gorgeous woman though. (I'm sure your wife would like to know you think so. Why should a beautiful woman be alone? That's so cruel).

This occurred 3 weeks ago. My wife doesn’t know, nor does my friend. My wife is my world. I have never cheated on her before this. We have a good marriage, (but clearly not good enough to be affair-proof) there are ups and downs of course but I’m happy with her. I don’t want to lose my family, my wife and my kids mean everything to me. (You gave them up yourself the moment you slept with the OW). I don’t want to hurt my wife but I betrayed her in the worst possible way. She doesn’t suspect anything, if she does she hasn’t said anything. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about it, I have never been in this situation before. I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt my wife. I am never going to cheat on her again.(The hurt is just there, waiting to happen. You can't avoid it, she is allowed to feel it is she chooses. Saying you'll "never" cheat again is premature. You need to SHOW, with actions, for a long, consistent amount of time, that you won't cheat. Trust is EARNED). Should I still tell her? It is probably the biggest mistake of my life. (I'd argue that not telling her would be a bigger one). Should I keep it buried and hope my wife never finds out? That seems worse, but it would spare her the pain. I would rather live in pain than fill her with pain to get it off my chest.

Then there is my close friend. He has no idea either. He and his ex-wife don’t talk unless it’s directly about their child, and even then it’s very limited. I don’t think she would tell anyone, but who knows really. She was totally humiliated by what I did, I would think that she doesn’t want to tell anyone. (Hell hath no fury...). If this does come out, I don’t want to lose a good friend (That would be the least of your problems, and he doesn't sound like an upstanding peer anyway).. He has always been against friends getting involved with ex’s. That relationship may be impossible to repair, just like the other relationships I destroyed.

Now I’m a giant **** that betrayed his wife, betrayed his friend and hurt a really good woman. If I could take it back I would. I don’t know how I allowed that situation to happen, and there os no one to blame but myself.

Should I tell my wife? I feel like I should, but what the hell do I know I’m clearly an idiot. If so, how do I tell her and have the best possible chance at salvaging our marriage. I’d do anything to keep our marriage going. (Be prepared to do some HEAVY lifting). And on the same note, how do I tell my friend that I slept with his ex-wife? And how badly I hurt her in the process…

I haven’t talked to the other woman since I left her hotel room. Part of me wants to try and make amends with her but that led me to trouble last time and for my wife, I want to cease all contact permanently.

I have never felt so poorly about myself, and didn’t know I ever could or would.
You rationalize and make excuses so much, I don't even know where to begin. So I just bolded all of the... Pardon me... Bull doodoo that you really need to get straight in preparation for confessing to your wife. You are going to be hit with some strong 2x4s for coming here, so I caution you to pull your bootstraps up or if you can't take hearing the hard truth, you go over to the SI board, where more hugs are distributed.

Of COURSE you tell her. You had SEX with a woman NOT YOUR WIFE. You have been exposed to possible STDS and if you love and care about your wife as much as you claim, you're going to tell her so she can get herself to a doctor ASAP, assuming you've had sex with her since your affair 3 weeks ago). You are endangering her health by not telling her. I don't know what you think that is, but to me that isn't anything remotely resembling love.

Losing your wife and your marriage dropped from your control the moment you slept with that woman. Your wife has a right to choose for herself whether she wants to stay with you or not. IMO denying her that basic and deserved spousal and human right is 100x cruddier than even the act of you banging another woman.

Do the right thing. Not the easy thing, the RIGHT thing.

And if you've been having sex with your wife, stop it and get STD tested. Tell her to get tested, and that you willfully endangered her health. That's the most loving thing you could do today.
 
#10 ·
Right before we had sex she told me that she hadn’t been intimate with anyone since her ex-husband. Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left. That hurt the other woman immensely. I cannot get the image of her facial expression when I walked out and told her I was married, out of my mind.
Alex, Alex, Alex my man. Explain one more time why you waited until after you slept with her that you told her you were married. I'm trying to decide if you really think we're that frigin stupid. If you haven't already, tell her what really happened at the conference. Then the two of you go have lunch and don't do what you did anymore.
 
#12 ·
I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position.

When I saw the ex-wife I honestly felt bad for her. I knew that her ex-husband was cheating on her long before he divorced her. I wondered if I should have told her or not, or just keep it to myself and mind my own business. I chose the latter. I knew that her ex-husband didn’t really want to marry her but did so out of obligation. I still stood up beside him and told her and 300 other people how great of a husband he’d be and that if anyone was going to make it, it was them. As I was giving the best man speech inside I was thinking that it wasn’t going to last 3 years. I was right. I didn’t exactly support their marriage. I always wondered why he was even with her. She’s gorgeous, but she has a lot of issues from her childhood. He really struggled while he was with her and I never understood why he stayed around as long as he did. I should have supported them better rather than give no flack when he left her. I was mad at the way he left her, not that he did it.

I knew that she had been single for the last 6 years, since their divorce. My friend told me that he felt bad about it and wanted her to find someone. There are a couple mutual friends between us, this woman has been talked about between us. Unfairly, but it’s happened. Maybe I just wanted to see if I could. Right before we had sex she said that she hadn’t had sex with anyone since her ex-husband. I knew sex was going to happen and I had a bit of an ego boost. I don’t like saying that but have to.

The ex-wife is a very quiet, reserved person. Always has been. She keeps to herself most of the time and really doesn’t seem like the type to cause waves just for the sake of it. She (at least use to) has very bad anxiety in social situations. When she was married to my friend she would rarely go out with us. I could be wrong, of course, I don’t really know her anymore.

It kills me how badly I hurt the other woman. Before we had sex she said I was a really good man, nothing could be farther from the truth. I try not to think about her, it really hurts when I do. Hurting her wasn’t my intention. Right after we finished having sex she asked when I was going home (from the convention), if I wanted to go out together when we were home and that I could stay the night with her. After that I quickly decided who I was going to hurt more. My wife, by going further and spending the night with this woman. Or the other woman, by ditching her immediately after sex. That’s when I told the woman that I was married, and hence wouldn’t be contacting her again. I went and called my wife, though I didn’t tell her what I had done.

I don’t (or at least didn’t, now I do) have problems in my marriage. Sometimes it’s a bit boring but what marriage isn’t? I wish I knew exactly why I cheated so I could feel confident that I’d never do this again. I didn’t think it would happen the first time. I can remove myself from situations that would lead to cheating, but that’s not bulletproof. I probably have to go to IC, as well as MC.

As badly as I feel for hurting the other woman, it doesn't compare to the pain I feel for hurting my wife. She has been nothing but great to me. She is an amazing wife and mother, beautiful inside and out. I don't want to ruin her life, but I guess that's already done. I’ve decided that I am going to tell my wife. I don’t want her to hear it from someone else and she deserves to know. I haven’t had sex with my wife since cheating on her. She doesn’t have a huge sex drive so it hasn’t been an issue. I understand that STD tests are in order. I’d like to find a MC before telling my wife, so I can have that ready to go. I should also start IC.

I know it will take a lot of work to sustain my marriage. I will do anything. I need to talk to my wife before I talk to my friend. She deserves to know first. Telling my friend can’t be nearly as hard as telling my wife. I don’t know if I should contact the other woman and apologize. I don’t want anything to do with her. I know that I hurt her, immensely, but she’s not who I’m married to. And her pain isn’t going to be worse than my wife’s. She trusted me not to hurt her, but not it the same way that my wife does.

Is it better to tell my wife about it in MC, or at home then let her process? Do I tell my wife who I cheated with? She has a confrontational streak, I don't want her to start problems with anyone else. This is our problem. I suppose I have to tell her, though, otherwise she'll likely hear it from someone else since my friend will have to know.
 
#25 ·
You can swear till the cows come home but you are lying to yourself. It appears to me that your outer man and inner man are totally inconsistent. You present an outward man who is decent, respectable, cares for others, loves his wife and family etc, but the inner man is deceitful, dishonest and lacks respect for others. Why do I say that?

1. you could get up at your friends wedding and lie about his relationship. You feel sorry for the OW because you feel guilty of your own culpability in allowing the marriage to go ahead. Any decent person would have tried to stop it or at least refused to be part of it.
2. Using the guise of caring your f***** the OW because you WANTED to and only now you are beginning to realise that you are actually a piece of ****.

3. I guess your poor BW knows your character well as she has lived with you and had noted the inconsistencies already.
YOU need IC to find out why there is so much inconsistency between your inner man and your outer man. Anyone in your position always creates these problems.
 
#13 · (Edited)
"I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position."

Let's see, you told her you were divorced, spent time with her, took her to dinner, romantically walked her to back to her room, passionately kissed her, and "it" just happened. Yep, you think we're that friggin stupid. Good practice for you dealing with the wife though.
 
#15 ·
"I swear to god, I did not approach that woman with the intention of screwing her (sexually or otherwise). I am not trying to make excuses for myself or dismiss what I did. Perhaps I am blocking out my true intentions to make myself feel better. I never thought that I would put myself or my wife in this position."

Let's see, you told her you were divorced, spent time with her, took her to dinner, romantically walked her to back to her room, passionately kissed her, and "it" just happened. Yep, you think we're that friggin stupid.
No, maybe I'm that stupid.

At first I legitimately felt like an a-hole for letting her sit alone. I was going out for lunch after and asked her to go just to be nice. I enjoyed spending time with her. It was fun, relaxing and a nice change to my regular life (problem 1). I told my wife that she was there and that I went out to lunch with her, my wife didn't care about that. They know each other but there were never friends, I don't think they've ever talked even. My wife just remembers her as the "weird, socially awkward chick who never talks". I kept spending time with her because I enjoyed it and (or told myself) because I didn't want to ditch her after spending time with her (problem 2). I should have cut back on how much time I spent with her. Sitting by her in a seminar, whatever, the lunches shouldn't have happened. At least not alone. Going out to dinner was wrong, especially to an actual restaurant. I felt something when I was sitting across from her and started thinking about her sexually (problem 3). I should have ended it right there. I walked her back to her room because we were staying in the same hotel. I told her I was staying on the same floor, which was a lie (problem 4). And that's where I actually started thinking about having sex with her that night. I kissed her, she pulled back for a second and I kissed her again. There was a long pause while she was thinking and we were standing outside her door, I could have turned back. But when she finally asked if I wanted to go in I said yes. There was plenty of opportunities to stop, I didn't. That's on me.

Part of me tries to be angry or throw blame at her, by thinking "yeah well she screwed her ex-husbands best friend". Like that is suppose to make what I did any worse, that thinking needs to go. I took the lead every step of the way. Not only did I tell her that I was divorced, but I told her I wasn't that close with her ex-husband anymore. Two lies. The first was told when I was trying to get her to talk to me and feel more comfortable. The second was when she hesitated after we were in her room. The second lie was deliberately said to get her clothes off.

The first day I saw her, no sex wasn't on my mind or radar. By the last day, yeah it was.
 
#14 ·
Immediately after the sex I realized what I had done to my wife and I left.
This is my favorite part. It was all good until you shot your load and then suddenly reality hit you. The entire time you were happily screwing away there was no rational thought, you were some sort of crazed animal with no common sense.
 
#17 ·
My goodness... how deep can one dig?

This looks more like a grave than a hole... please just stop.

Schedule both IC and MC, then let your wife know and why.

Accept the Karma that comes... and learn from it.

Quickly is best...
 
#19 · (Edited)
My suggestion is to tell your wife before MC. If you tell her in front of the counselor, she will feel like she has to behave in front of a 3rd party, and that's not fair.

Also, you should be deciding WITH her, not FOR her, whether you go together to MC at all. She may not want to even go.

IC for you is a great idea that doesn't require your wife to give her OK.
 
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#20 ·
We are not perfect as human, lord knows that I've made mistakes in my past while I was married 💑 and yes, my current wife did find out what I was doing, too. You see, as we have both gotten closer to God, I look as my past cheating experience as grasping at straws for happiness, when my beautiful wife is right there, by my side. The grass is not always greener on the proverbial other side; in my case, wound up being mud... LOL 😁 I'm so grateful that we're still together as of this day. That's a blessing in itself. Thank the lord!
 
#21 ·
Fence sit this one until you get a grip of why you lie to yourself the way you do. Your actions don't match your words at all. but your actions define who YOU really are though.

IC will help, but it will take time.

You preyed on this poor woman and you didn't care that you were going to hurt her because you wanted to bang her almost as soon as you got her to like you and see you in that light.

The picture you paint of caring about her doesn't reflect your actions one iota. Your actions speak loud and clear who you really are inside though.

You should feel like crap because inside you are a crappy man. Now that you know how low you can go, what are you going to do with this knowledge?

Do you like the guy you really are, or would you rather change to the guy you keep lying to yourself about that you are?

It's time to be more honest with yourself in order for you to truly be honest with anyone else.
 
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#34 ·
I work with several women in my department. Sometimes I am paired with one or more on a team sent out on over night trips. We travel together and usually take meals together since we are in the same car.

One of the girls is single, young, beautiful and flirtatious. One is having trouble in her marriage and talks about it a lot.

It would be easy to make a bad choice with either of these girls but I am aware of what could happen and will not let it.

I hate it when people say "one thing led to another" or "the next thing I knew we were having sex" or "it just happened". What happens is the result of a conscious choice - not fate- not something you cannot control. But something you choose to do. Posting all the justifications in the world does not change that. You do it because you want to do it.
 
#28 ·
Alex, listen, I dont know what are you going to do about your wife now...that will be a long story, but by how you feel now, I would suggest this: consider it a mistake/learning experience, dont contact the other woman again and move on.

It's up to you how and IF you want to share this with your wife. Not all of us feel that sharing a mistake with our wives is absolutely necessary. If my wife cheated on me and she considered it a mistake, I would much rather not know (but would appreciate an STD test).

I'm that position where I wonder if I COULD seduce other women even if I'm married, if I still got it, and of course the answer is yes, but I'm starting to think that I dont have act it out to prove it to myself.

Regain dignity, move on, decide about your wife later. Write her a letter and date it but dont send it. See what come out now. You are too emotional now. Also: do you wanna tell your wife so she can freak out, divorce your ass and for what? For a stupid mistake which you might never ever make again?
 
#29 ·
Ah, the age-old choice between honor and dishonor. Your opinion is for the OP to continue being dishonorable. Ride the wave, right?

Who cares if every day that passes after the betrayal without him doing the honorable thing is a betrayal unto itself? Who cares if it's all for naught if the OP gets caught, and that the days that he's wasting don't belong to just him, but his wife as well?

Let's all tell the OP to live a lie. Maybe he'll get away with it and nobody will be the wiser. Maybe he can teach himself to hide his shame from his wife for the rest of his life. Sure, the relationship will never be as it was, but at least he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions. Or maybe, he can tell her in a few months, magnifying the pain.

Yeah. That's the ticket.

Of course, my advice to the OP is to avoid advice from those of dubious character, as dubious character got the OP into this mess in the first place. Own up to being a flawed person who made a mistake. Own up to trying to figure out why you made the mistake. Own up, and perhaps be forgiven, or own up and get what you deserve. Either way, it's the first step in becoming an honorable man (again).
 
#30 ·
I lied to her and said I was divorced.
Yep, you lied because you wanted to have sex with her. Plain and simple.

You went and sat beside her because you felt sorry for her.
No you wanted to have sex with her. You did have sex with her.

In my opinion, this is what the worst liars do:

When they start telling a story about one of their nefarious adventures, they start telling all about what they WEREN'T thinking.
My ex does the same. When she volunteers information about something that seems bad, she starts telling me she is/was NOT thinking the way I obviously feel she is actually thinking.

Like her, you know what you were thinking, what you did as a result. You are just having a hard time dealing with the fact that yes, you are just that bad of a person.

You have two choices:
You can go to your grave with the knowledge of what you did and never do this to your wife again, keep from hurting her by keeping her in the dark. You will have to take the guilt to your grave.
If your wife finds out, it will change how she feels about you forever, and rightfully so. Good chance she will find out eventually. Evil has a way of floating to the top.

Choice two:
Tell your wife, stop trying to cover your tracks with lies about what you weren't thinking. You made a plan, probably subconscious at first, that you didn't really think would be successful. You then realized it was a workable plan. You went through with your evil deed. You didn't continue cheating, but the deed can't be undone. The billet to your marriage can't be stuffed back in the barrel.
Tell her you messed up, beg her forgiveness, and hope she will be able to stay with you and somehow trust you again and hate the deed and not the man.


The right thing to do is tell her.
However, you haven't shown a propensity for doing the right thing.
No time like the present to start changing your ways.

Consequences. They can't be escaped.
 
#32 ·
Alex my man, if I take any of what you post at face value, it sound like you're treating this other chick as disposable once you got what you want and had a chance to realize what you done to your marriage. In addition to your duty to your wife, you owe the OW an apology for treating her like a used rubber once you reached your goal. You need to call her and tell her you're sorry you outright and barefaced lied about your marital status to seduce her, that you were enormously drawn to her, and just couldn't let it go. Admit to her that you're nothing but a piece of shyt, that you had so little self control to mislead her and allow yourself to walk on and step on her the way you did even after the way she was hurt by you friend.
 
#43 ·
That's what I thought too. The OP says "as soon as he realized what he'd done" like this all just happened to him. No, he happened to her. If he was such a "good guy" at heart, he would have kept up the charade an hour or two longer so she didn't have to feel like a used rag.

Just amazing how the second AFTER he climaxed he grew a very guilty conscience and couldn't continue being an ass any longer.
 
#37 ·
OP,
I wish I could mount an argument against you being an idiot but you have removed all counterpoints to any such attempt. Your lack of cognizant thought is remarkable and has reduced you to an individual of despicable character. You have so little thought to your actions that I find it very disturbing. In one fell swoop you managed to possibly destroy your marriage, your best friendship, and your honor while simultaneously inflicting pain on an already distressed, abused woman and the woman you vowed to cherish for life.

For individuals such as yourself there needs to be consequences, exactly in the way a parent spanks a child. Your mind is not capable of self control nor self correction and needs the "pain" of consequences to hopefully help you associate something bad with your actions. If you keep this from your wife and sidestep the ensuing storm then you must understand that your limited intellect will see this as you "getting away" with your affair thereby making the next time even easier. As time passes without issue you may in fact even try to contact the OW again to see if you can "get away with it" again, though I doubt she would give you the time of day after the way you treated her. If not, it will be some other woman who catches your eye and the act will get easier each time.

If you truly have the capacity to care enough then I strongly urge you to confess to your wife immediately and face the resulting onslaught of pain and anguish that you have caused your wife and family. I also advise that you tell your "best friend" and suffer the consequences there as well. In so doing you may experience enough pain and angst that it may act as a deterrent to your next foray into the land of self serving indulgence. I do not believe that you have the capacity to care deeply enough for others to do this because it may indeed cost you your marriage and your best friend. In truth, you are neither a good husband nor a good friend however by standing and taking the consequences you stand a chance of developing some character and moral fiber that may allow you to be.

Additionally, I would suggest that you request your friend to relay a message to his ex explaining how you did what you did but I can think of no verbal expression that could possibly explain how one treats another human being with such disdain.
 
#38 ·
TBH I always wondered what type of douchbags prayed on vulnerable women and wondered how they went about breaking down their will power - not that it would be hard with such low self esteem - I meant specifically how a DBag could groom and break down such a woman over time. What they said and did, and how in the world they could live with themselves while doing it, knowing the aftermath would be such horrific pain and trauma for a little sex.

So thanks for being honest and showing me. If I understand correctly, the key is to just deny what you're doing until you've gotten the sex, they try to believe that YOU'RE the victim somehow. And somehow this was unavoidable or unexpected.

So a HUGE amount of denial.

It still baffles me... you knew the hoped for outcome because you programmed it... yet you surprised yourself? And since you couldn't see it coming, you couldn't stop it? Is that your final conclusion?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#39 ·
Last night I told my wife. I was talking to my friend and he mentioned that he had to go meet with his ex-wife the next day (today). I didn't want him to hear it from someone else (his ex-wife), especially after we had just talked, so I told him. I just told him that we hooked up and it was a one time thing. I didn't go into details because honestly it's just going to be he-said, she-said and whose to say that she's even going to tell him. I wouldn't be telling an ex-spouse who I ****ed. He was pissed, more surprised though. He wanted to know how it happened and why I risked my marriage for her. His scraps. He was surprised that she let it go that far but said she always had an attraction towards me, which I never knew. He's still pissed, but I deserve that I suppose.

I had to tell my wife. She needed to hear it from me and I don't want her to feel like everyone knew. She didn't really react the way I was expecting and I know to expect her to get much worse. She might still be in shock. I expected her to get upset, mad at me, want a divorce, storm out, hate me. She thought I was joking at first and said it wasn't funny. When she realized that I was being serious she asked who it was that I slept with. After I told her she became more pissed than I have ever seen her, but not at me... At the other woman. She said she wanted to go see her, was going to "kill" her. She is mad at me for being so "gullible", "falling for a *****'s tricks" and not using protection. She was directly mad at me for a short while, there was some screaming, some crying, a bit of "hitting". But those feelings quickly transferred to the OW.

Last night my wife sent the other woman messages on Facebook. I didn't know about it until this morning.

"Who the hell do you think you are going around screwing another woman's husband? You couldn't keep your own husband so you had to manipulate mine into touching your disgusting body? How many other husbands have you ****ed? Stop being a home-wrecker and get your own husband. No wonder [your ex-husband] left you."

"You better hope that you don't get pregnant or pass any of your nasty diseases off to him. You'll find yourself in court being sued for every whorish penny you have."

The only reply was: "I didn't know he was married. I'm sorry." Followed by my wife continuing.

"Oh SURE, you ****ing *****. You know damn well that we're married. You came to our wedding for **** sake! [Your XH] was the ****ing best man! Don't feed me that crap."

"Of course he's married! He's a great man. A TAKEN man. The only way you can get your hands on someone like him is through manipulation. Just because no man wants you doesn't mean you can take someone else's husband."

"You're worthless. To my husband and every other man you've conned into your nasty ****."

"You know, I'd think that after having been cheated on and left for another woman you'd never want to hurt a woman the way you were hurt. You need **** that badly that you will destroy kids lives? Destroy another woman's life? Straight from MY husbands mouth you weren't even good. The worst sex he's had. Cleary you are a horrible person and [your XH] was right to divorce you. For a while we all felt bad for you, unbelievable."

"Everyone always thought you were bat**** crazy, from the day they met you. They were glad when [your XH] finally tossed you to the curb. You have been an entertaining source of jokes for years, including by [your XH] and [2 friends]."

"No man has wanted you in 6 years? It's because they are smart enough to stay the hell away from you. Get use to being alone and stop being a thieving *****. You want ****? Go to the street corner. Though, since you are so bad in bed you probably won't get paid. Of course, you will suck every **** in this city for free."

"Probably too busy ****ing another husband. Guess it's as close as you'll get to having another husband. Go be a street *****, like all the other people who grew up sucking their dad's **** and ****ing their brother. Yeah, everyone knows."

"You know, you'd think after you grew up ****ing and sucking **** you'd at least be good at it. Or do you save the good stuff for incest?"

How do I get my wife to A) stop before she gets a harassment charge and B) shift the blame to me? The one who is really to blame. She doesn't want to go to MC right now. She's going to wind up being charged with harassment if this keeps up.

There is a part of me that thinks it would be easier to just let the other woman take the blame, the anger, the hate. That isn't fair to her, or my marriage. I am just at fault as much as the other woman is. More, really, because I deceived her. The other woman doesn't owe my wife anything, she didn't promise to be faithful to her. I did. I broke that promise.

My wife sent my friend a message saying, "You sure dodged a bullet. Your ex-wife just ****ed my husband. You have a better taste in women now, might want to relook at your friends too." As of right now we haven't talked since I told him. I need to focus on my wife/marriage right now.

My wife doesn't want me to touch her, and she wants to know every detail of what happened. All week. She wants to know every detail of the sex and how good/bad it was. That seems like self-sabotaging. She doesn't want to go to MC right now but wants me to do IC because I'm "weak" and "easily tempted by *****s". She took the day off work and has been out for a while. She won't call or text me back and I have no idea where she is.
 
#51 ·
I didn’t “prey” on her. She was an equal participant. SHE could have said no to lunches or dinner. SHE could have stopped when I kissed her. SHE invited me in, I didn’t initiate that. SHE could have stopped any time between us closing the door and sticking my **** in her. She gladly ****ed me. She’s always wanted to. SHE ****ed her ex-husbands friend.

I’m not writing her an apology. For what? We aren’t a couple, never were. If she read the signals wrong then that’s on her. What do you expect from someone who has been a baron wasteland for over half a decade. People lie all the time to get what they want, don’t want to get hurt? Then don’t believe someone who might as well be a stranger.

The only woman I care about here is my wife. The other woman is not my problem. She’s a grown ass woman, she makes her own choices.

Why would I have stopped a wedding between the other woman and my friend? I’m not in their relationship. If they wanted to spend 50K on a wedding that wouldn’t last then so be it. I’m not meddling in other people’s business.
BTW, did you tell your BW that you told your friend's ex that you were divorced?

Of course not.

LOL. "OW" isn't an OW at all. You lied to her and told her you were divorced. This is 100% on you.

Either way, it would seem that the "Alex" character has taken a stark turn toward errant *********gery.

I'd advise the author of this tale to right the ship, lest his (or her) intended audience lose interest.

Ooh! Maybe the betrayed wife character could bang the best friend for a revenge lay! Hell, it ain't like he's above stepping outside his marriage for a bit of side action. Plus he sounds like the type of guy that could get his AP/OW/wife to go along with it. And maybe even join in!

Sorry, didn't mean to jump too far ahead.
 
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