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post #31 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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The anger is what is making you take action (anger is necessary). Your only mistake is getting nasty in front of her. Don't do that anymore. Fake indifference til you feel it. Indifference is the opposite of love, hate/anger is not what she needs to witness from you, but what propels you to get rid of her nasty, cheating ass!
Yeah use it for a little while. People like you wife are worth less then nothing as far as relationships go. Sit back and watch her burn out, in the end it won't be pretty. Hopefully by that time you will have moved on a better more honorable person.

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post #32 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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She can go as ballistic as she wants. i hope her head (and boobs) explode. I already retained an attorney. $10k. even if we can pull off the mediation i want him looking out for me. I do not want an adversarial divorce but she is a lying sack of **** so i will not take my chances on mediation alone.
I get that you're angry but your goal is to end this marriage as quickly and as inexpensively as you can, not to get some sort of petty revenge and teach her a lesson.

Your attorney isn't looking out for you, your attorney is looking to drain you of as much of your assets as he or she can before settling your case. They got rent to pay too you know.
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post #33 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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Your attorney isn't looking out for you, your attorney is looking to drain you of as much of your assets as he or she can before settling your case. They got rent to pay too you know.
No really. His attorney wants to get money that is true because that is his job. Some lawyers' area of expertise are indeed divorce cases and they are very good at their jobs. The really good ones get their clients what they need. Count Mack, if you know your lawyer is good at what he does, he is worth the money this divorce is going to cost you. Trust him, he is on your corner. You know for sure your WS is not!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #34 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

Stoic and diplomatic.

That's what you need to be to get through this divorce. That's what your children need you to be... a rock.

It's going to be hard and you'll wonder why you always have to be the friggin' rock, but if you keep in action, keep exercising, eat well, avoid alcohol, stay hydrated.... the time will pass more smoothly for you and your kids, and they'll remember that dad handled upheaval like a pro.

She, on the other hand.... who knows. She's not your problem anymore. History on this board, however, shows that her AP will likely dump her and/or the affair will blow up and she'll have a good chance of crawling back and pretending like nothing happened. Give her no quarter. She decided to end the marriage, not you. You're just following through on what she already decided.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #35 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

Count Mack, sorry that you find yourself in a place like this.

It seems to me that if you can carry on harnessing your anger, then you will get through this in the best possible way. Carry on using it to fuel the changes you need to make. Don't be afraid to share the most hurtful things with others as you have been doing on TAM - it is a bit like lancing a boil, it hurts, but needs to be done. And it makes healing a lot easier.

Work on distancing yourself from your wife. As much as you can, carefully and thoroughly cut her out of your life like a dead branch that no longer serves any purpose. And, no matter how much she tries to damage you to demonstrate her power over you, do not sink to her level. Do not do anything that is not in line with your own values - the damage that she has done to you is great, but if you allow her to warp who you are, then she will have won. You need to keep your kids' best interests at heart - one day, they will see (and judge) the difference between your wife's behaviour and yours very clearly.

Eventually she will be nothing more to you than a weak person that you once cared about, long ago. Imagine looking at her and feeling nothing, except perhaps mild pity. And gladness that she is no longer your wife.

(Referencing other advice on this thread, I would not recommend harassing the OM or your wife in any way - you are in the right. Your wife has broken her wedding vows and is behaving in a manipulative and deceitful manner. Why should you give her any legal points by acting in a way that could be deemed illegal or threatening?)

Again - so sorry you are here.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #36 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

I must disagree with you, Stixx. Not all attorneys are out to drain you. Most I know, including myself, are willing to adjust service fees, or agree to flat fee arrangements, if you ask. We cannot adjust filing fees and the like. Again, you just have to understand that this is possible, and ask. We tend to be a pretty reasonable lot.

In any event, since CM has already paid the retainer, he should use at least up to that amount of services.
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post #37 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

Yes anger in your face only harm self. Revenge served on a cold plate is good. Hope you have some way of coolly irritating the POSOM and WW. While you are at it you can discuss ways of getting custody with your lawyer (if you want)

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post #38 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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Did you expose to everyone?

Sadly women like you wife are pretty common now a days. Your marriage is dead, you wife is an *******. Put her out to pasture and get the best deal you can get. Expose her for what she is and move on she has.

Tell her family and her kids. Don't let her have the fairy tale.
Yep, expose her. My cheating friend's H did, and oh my god was she ever shocked and appalled! Which to me is just ballsy... she has been so far in denial about her own lack of morals that she was actually offended he did this. Its like, the magnitude of what she has done is totally lost on her. Even if it doesnt change anything, I think it needs to be done by the one being betrayed.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #39 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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No really. His attorney wants to get money that is true because that is his job. Some lawyers' area of expertise are indeed divorce cases and they are very good at their jobs. The really good ones get their clients what they need. Count Mack, if you know your lawyer is good at what he does, he is worth the money this divorce is going to cost you. Trust him, he is on your corner. You know for sure your WS is not!
He lives in NY. Unless his wife agrees to joint custody, the court does not have the authority to order it, which means unless she AGREES to it, he'll get visitation and she'll get primary custody, the house, child support, spousal support and half of everything he owns and there's not a damn thing even the best attorney in the whole wide world is going to be able to do about it besides bill him for a whole lotta money.
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post #40 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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I must disagree with you, Stixx. Not all attorneys are out to drain you. Most I know, including myself, are willing to adjust service fees, or agree to flat fee arrangements, if you ask. We cannot adjust filing fees and the like. Again, you just have to understand that this is possible, and ask. We tend to be a pretty reasonable lot.
@Drumstick

In my experience, divorce attorneys are incompetent, greedy, selfish, and lazy. They know the system is rigged and they know that in the case of a noncustodial parent client, there is very little they can do for him (or rarely, her) because of the way courts award child support and custody to the primary parent- in most- not all- states, but definitely in the state the original poster currently resides. They know if their client is the custodial parent- usually the woman, that they can light a fire under her ass by telling her how much money she can get out of her exhusband and why she's entitled to every penny she can get out of him, even if it means limiting his access to his own children.

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In any event, since CM has already paid the retainer, he should use at least up to that amount of services.
Or, he could mediate, and ask the attorney to refund the unused retainer.

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post #41 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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He lives in NY. Unless his wife agrees to joint custody, the court does not have the authority to order it, which means unless she AGREES to it, he'll get visitation and she'll get primary custody, the house, child support, spousal support and half of everything he owns and there's not a damn thing even the best attorney in the whole wide world is going to be able to do about it besides bill him for a whole lotta money.
Not the house unless she can pay for it
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post #42 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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Not the house unless she can pay for it
This is not correct. As the primary custodial parent, she will likely be awarded exclusive use of the marital residence, and she will fill out a net worth statement that lists the expenses of running the house, everything from the mortgage to the landscaper and will make an argument that she needs spousal maintenance from him to pay those ongoing costs.

Now he may make a claim for his half of the value of the equity in the home but usually that's offset by her not getting as much of his 401k or other pension or retirement fund.

If there is no other offsetting equity then she may make an application to the court to stay in the home until the children are no longer minors. Again, at his expense of course. Then, in 10 years or whenever the children are older, she can be legally forced to sell the house or buy out his half of the equity.

But no matter how you slice it, she ends up with the house -at least for the foreseeable future- and he ends up lucky to put a roof over his own head and food on his plate.
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post #43 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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He lives in NY. Unless his wife agrees to joint custody, the court does not have the authority to order it, which means unless she AGREES to it, he'll get visitation and she'll get primary custody, the house, child support, spousal support and half of everything he owns and there's not a damn thing even the best attorney in the whole wide world is going to be able to do about it besides bill him for a whole lotta money.


Or, he could mediate, and ask the attorney to refund the unused retainer.

This is pretty standard in most states, but that in no way changes the fact that many good divorce attorneys can and will get their clients what most want and are lawfully able to attain. Don't under estimate the power of a good attorney who is very experienced in divorces.

[QUOTE]
"Or, he could mediate, and ask the attorney to refund the unused retainer."

...and leave him to fend for himself with the barracuda of a wife he has!

Please don't do it Count Mack.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #44 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

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This is pretty standard in most states, but that in no way changes the fact that many good divorce attorneys can and will get their clients what most want and are lawfully able to attain.
As I said, that has not been my experience and from what I've read of the countless stories of others, attorneys know there's only so much they can do for all practical purposes and in many or most divorces they increase the conflict by giving their clients unrealistic expectations which has the effect of setting the bar so high that reasonable settlement becomes impossible, even if the court ultimately divides things up the way the parties would have settled before 2-3 years of expensive legal conflict has transpired.
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post #45 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Heartless Cheating Wife

The Law in NY is that Spousal support for marriages under 15 yrs is 15-30% of the duration of the marriage. for me that would be 1.5-3 years. I asked my Lawyer the worst case scenario and he tells me $70k a year for both. in 2 yrs that drops to $28k for CSP. If that is what it takes to get out from under her then that is what it takes. I don't believe she would want the kids all the time so the worst case would be liberal visitation.
I asked 6 attorneys i know for a recommendation and they all gave me the same name so i hired him. My lawyer gives seminars to other divorce lawyers. I also interviewed 3 other top D lawyers in my are so she can't even talk to them.
I trust him. and i will do what he says. no cost is great enough for me not to do this. I will start completely over if i have to. I am not afraid
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