Thanks guys for all of the lovely advice! I obviously never claimed to not be a cheater. I do love my husband. Why would I care to salvage if I didn't love him?
I love him deeply. The past can't be undone sadly. The damage runs deep as each of you have reiterated. I wish we could have a do-over. I'm sad that this turned into an attack toward me. Assumptions, and conclusions that you couldn't possibly understand enough to conclude. To the ones who had anything positive to say- thanks. To the ones who had a negative outlook but said it in a thoughtful way-thank you.
Many cheaters say they love the one they cheat on. If you can love the person and still cheat on them what is the love really worth? It's like dollar store love. You say in your original post you love too much, but not enough not to be honest, again what does love really mean when you say it? Not what I or many posters feel about that because when we say it, it means loyalty as part of the word, fidelity as part of the word, honestly as part of the word. All those things have been lacking.
You haven't even told him, so you don't love him enough to let him have agency in his own life. If it wasn't you would you want say your brother to live the rest of his life not knowing his spouse cheated on him? Would you keep it secret from your brother as to not hurt him? At least be honest about it, you are not telling him because you don't want to deal with the fall out. Feeling pain from the damage you have caused is the reason, not to prevent him from pain. You would tell anyone if you didn't have to deal with the fact that you caused the damage. With all do respect you are just a typical WW this part of the story is really just about your selfishness.
Next you say he has BPD and seems to be gay? What exactly are you salvaging here? Look up Cost Sunk Fallacy. It's probably the case you are never going to have the kind of relationship you want with this guy. He has to want to change or at least see his problems and if he is gay there is that issue as well. However you are not going to have the kind of relationship you want with anyone until you fix what is in you that allowed yourself to cheat and then live a lie for a decade.
I'm sorry but you have been a lousy wife to him and you know it, how can you expect to have a good marriage. There is no hope at all until you fix yourself, and you can't do that until you see yourself honestly and humbly. YOU are the only thing you have control of. Confess and see where it leads. At least the marriage will now be an honest one. Maybe it will shock him into changing, maybe he knows and that is part of why you have all the issues. At least you will break the inertia. Even if this doesn't work out you need the tools to be a better wife to the next one. What if he didn't have BPD then what would you say? What if he was just a kind, good sucker.
Right now you are beating a dead horse aren't you? Your marriage has been dead from the point you cheated and you never did the work to start over yet.