11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks guys for all of the lovely advice! I obviously never claimed to not be a cheater. I do love my husband. Why would I care to salvage if I didn't love him?
I love him deeply. The past can't be undone sadly. The damage runs deep as each of you have reiterated. I wish we could have a do-over. I'm sad that this turned into an attack toward me. Assumptions, and conclusions that you couldn't possibly understand enough to conclude. To the ones who had anything positive to say- thanks. To the ones who had a negative outlook but said it in a thoughtful way-thank you.

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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Your assumptions are pretty close. My parents were both drug addicts that neglected me. I was raised by grandparents in mtiple households.

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" lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him."


I wanna know what your parents said about this? There's no way I would allow my daughter to do this. Were you looking simply to get away from home? I'm guessing you don't have a positive role model of adult, mature marriage to look at? I would divorce this guy and start way back at the beginning with therapy.
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 02:46 PM
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Thanks guys for all of the lovely advice! I obviously never claimed to not be a cheater. I do love my husband. Why would I care to salvage if I didn't love him?
I love him deeply. The past can't be undone sadly. The damage runs deep as each of you have reiterated. I wish we could have a do-over. I'm sad that this turned into an attack toward me. Assumptions, and conclusions that you couldn't possibly understand enough to conclude. To the ones who had anything positive to say- thanks. To the ones who had a negative outlook but said it in a thoughtful way-thank you.
Kayla,
Please do not take this as an attack on you. The truth is, you did damage too and in order to fix things you have to come to terms that you were in he wrong too. Please trust me.... I am going through a possible separation/divorce with my husband of 9 years, mostly because of my behavior- I posted my dilemma on another marriage site and got my butt handed to me.... it made me so mad, sad, thinking to myself that here I was opening my heart and even saying that I was in the wrong, and they have to go and claw at those already open wounds.....but then it hit me......I needed to hear it. As much as I knew I was in the wrong, I didn't really accept it until they really drove it in- and then I knew right then that I needed to change. It hurts our ego, even when you think "oh I'm being honest and showing that I'm also to blame" but when someone really Exposes it, it's raw and it doesn't feel good. Take the criticism and turn it into something constructive, as I did. You are human just like the rest of us, as much as we love we also hurt those we love. As far as your situation, girl you need to exit. Exit for you and your kids. Detach. I'm currently trying to do this right now with my own husband, and it's amazingly hard. Leaving them with their thoughts and loneliness sometimes makes them realize what they had and want to get help. Sometimes it doesn't. You have to accept either way. Man, I need to take my own advice!
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

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Thanks guys for all of the lovely advice! I obviously never claimed to not be a cheater. I do love my husband. Why would I care to salvage if I didn't love him?
I love him deeply. The past can't be undone sadly. The damage runs deep as each of you have reiterated. I wish we could have a do-over. I'm sad that this turned into an attack toward me. Assumptions, and conclusions that you couldn't possibly understand enough to conclude. To the ones who had anything positive to say- thanks. To the ones who had a negative outlook but said it in a thoughtful way-thank you.
Many cheaters say they love the one they cheat on. If you can love the person and still cheat on them what is the love really worth? It's like dollar store love. You say in your original post you love too much, but not enough not to be honest, again what does love really mean when you say it? Not what I or many posters feel about that because when we say it, it means loyalty as part of the word, fidelity as part of the word, honestly as part of the word. All those things have been lacking.

You haven't even told him, so you don't love him enough to let him have agency in his own life. If it wasn't you would you want say your brother to live the rest of his life not knowing his spouse cheated on him? Would you keep it secret from your brother as to not hurt him? At least be honest about it, you are not telling him because you don't want to deal with the fall out. Feeling pain from the damage you have caused is the reason, not to prevent him from pain. You would tell anyone if you didn't have to deal with the fact that you caused the damage. With all do respect you are just a typical WW this part of the story is really just about your selfishness.

Next you say he has BPD and seems to be gay? What exactly are you salvaging here? Look up Cost Sunk Fallacy. It's probably the case you are never going to have the kind of relationship you want with this guy. He has to want to change or at least see his problems and if he is gay there is that issue as well. However you are not going to have the kind of relationship you want with anyone until you fix what is in you that allowed yourself to cheat and then live a lie for a decade.

I'm sorry but you have been a lousy wife to him and you know it, how can you expect to have a good marriage. There is no hope at all until you fix yourself, and you can't do that until you see yourself honestly and humbly. YOU are the only thing you have control of. Confess and see where it leads. At least the marriage will now be an honest one. Maybe it will shock him into changing, maybe he knows and that is part of why you have all the issues. At least you will break the inertia. Even if this doesn't work out you need the tools to be a better wife to the next one. What if he didn't have BPD then what would you say? What if he was just a kind, good sucker.

Right now you are beating a dead horse aren't you? Your marriage has been dead from the point you cheated and you never did the work to start over yet.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-28-2017 at 10:06 AM.
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 04:40 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

I admit to only reading your title (wall of text = can't be bothered) but tell me - why are you still with a guy who has cheated on you and to whom you can't be bothered to be faithful??

Unless you've both had some kind of epic epiphany and are doing a huge **** ton of work both together and separately, on your marriage and on yourselves, there's zero chance you're gonna get what you want here.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

Individual counseling for both of you, then joint counseling followed by marriage counseling if it is determined that you are both healthy enough to sustain a marriage.

Regardless of your marriage success or failure, you both need to become healthy individuals.

You are honestly both bad candidates for marriage.

I understand your deep emotions but the problem is your decision making process and overall emotional health.
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

There is a reason why the Roman legionaires were not allowed to marry during the twenty years they served as soldiers. It was a wise policy, one that I think the U.S. should adopt.
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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

I have no compassion at all for people who get themselves stuck on this situation.

Stupid babies marrying when they are too young to know anything about life, thinking with their glands instead of their brains. Servicemen and women should be barred from marrying until they are at least 30.
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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

So, you cheated on him and didn't tell him, but then had the nerve to ask him to leave the Army before he wanted to in order to save the marriage? Wow. Just...wow. You love him so much you let him make a major life decision while ignorant of the facts. Hint: That's not love.

If you want to examine his side of the street, there is evidence he is either straight up gay, bisexual, or "gay while away" and he was willing to marry and have children with you while concealing his true nature. Hint: Also not love.

Since you both seem to "deny til ya die" I don't see anything to save here. A decent marriage would involve a LOT more honesty than either of you are willing to give.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

Kayla, I strongly suggest your read Lundy Bancroft...Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I believe once you read that you will understand that your marriage cannot be saved unless you are willing to continue to be verbally and emotionally abused. If/when you are no longer willing to accept that, he will leave you. He will have no further use for you if are not willing to be his garbage dump.

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. So you need to make a choice between getting yourself healthy or staying in the marriage. You can't have both.

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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

Well in all fairness, you did welcome all kinds of comments/advice. It was a bit of a harsh post though, but they do have a good point: your husband might be gay, or at the very least, bisexual. This is definitely something worth looking into, in my opinion, as it could have a lot to do with his anger.

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Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

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Your assumptions are pretty close. My parents were both drug addicts that neglected me. I was raised by grandparents in mtiple households.
honey, you need to start RIGHT HERE. There is no fixing anything until this is healed.
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