11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs
I'm going to attempt to shorten this as much as possible. To anyone who takes the time to read and respond, my gratitude cannot be expressed.
My heart is breaking, it has been for many years. I met my husband just a few days after my 18th birthday. He is 9 years my elder and was active duty military at the time. At the time of meeting- he had just returned home from a deployment and was on leave. We met in February, I lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him. It was difficult to say the least. He was already training for his upcoming deployment and we rarely spent time together. I was young, unappreciative, and didn't see the value in all he was sacrificing for me. A quick fast forward- I am now 29, and as all people do, I have changed in many ways. I love deeply, too deeply. I deplete my emotions and energy into loving other people. Rewind- I moved to be with him in May of 2006, we married 9 months after meeting and in retrospect I can see it was a very hasty decision. We didn't even have the opportunity to get to know each other. His deployment day was set for January of 2007, less than a year since we first met. He deployed- two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was very difficult. My husband's tour ended up being extended to 15 months. At this point we still didn't know each other. We went weeks without contact during the deployment because of my husband's job, and I worried sick wondering if something terrible had happened.
I was not faithful to my husband during his deployment. I am still repulsed by my actions. Saddened, unable to forgive myself. I was so young, and so dumb. He never learned of this, and I didn't come clean not because I couldn't accept accountability, but because I couldn't stand to break his heart. When he returned our child was 6 months old- we had two weeks together as a family after a 15 month deployment and he was sent to drill sergeant school. This lead to two years of hell. Drill sergeants are more or less deployed, just sleep at home. He worked 7 days a week, 16 hour days. Upon graduation, he returned the day of my mothers funeral. This incident turned my world upside down. Mind you- this was nearly 2 years into marriage and we were just starting our lives together- on a terrible note. I had no friends in the ARMY, and became depressed living on base. I sat in my home with my child day in- day out. Waiting, watching the clock tick, waiting for a text message- or phone call from my husband because I missed his company so greatly, and felt so incredibly lonely. My husband from the day we met was head over heels for me (or so I thought) I'm thinking it was an act honestly. He showered me with anything I wanted- and treated me with love. Never emotional connective love, that I've always craved so deeply. I've never been able to depend on him for ANYTHING other than income to pay bills. He doesn't ever put any men before himself. He isn't driven to do anything unless there is instant reward or gratification on his behalf. He has NEVER in 11 years known how much money we have- when bills are due, he has never worried with any sort of obligation for our family such as sick kids, school events, keeping our family running. He will show up, but waits on me to communicate everything to him. Step by step, holding his hand like a child. It's never felt like a partnership- NEVER. It's always felt like another child, a burden, he is ambitious about exactly NOTHING. He has no goals- he does nothing to fix anything "broken" in the form of our relationship, or household things. I have to badger him to get it done. It's exhausting. I've never had this with my husband. During this period in 2008, I stumbled upon this number on our phone bill 100s of times. Remember me saying I sat waiting on a call from him? I was lonely and missed him. How could he possibly have time? Who was he calling? I called the number and it was shockingly some sort of sex line. I know this is nothing he ever spent money on because I reigned over finances closely, because I was forced to do so. I was absolutely heartbroken. I had stuck by his side, supported his career, I was the best wife I knew how to be- he called this number multiple times a day. And it had been going on since before we met. I never got the truth about this scenario. I couldn't deal with the heartache- so I eventually made the choice to close the chapter and accept what he had done. I wasn't hostile about it, I questioned him and was obviously hurt. That was that, UNTIL several years later we visited a marriage counselor and had a private one/one on a date my husband couldn't attend. I shared this information with the psychologist, and he said he felt that my husband had gay tendencies and that he may have acted upon them. Omg, the shock, horror, no way was he right. He couldn't be right. I arrived home from this visit- questioned my husband, and he came clean in the sense of yes he had been listening to pre-recorded messages in gay/transvestite chat rooms. Again- he never told me the whole truth. My intuition is uncanny, and I know he didn't tell me the truth. Once again, unable to handle the pain, I closed the chapter. Later, I found this type of porn on his phone. He had become or had always been a pathological liar. I began to feel that everything had been fake. I didn't know him- he couldn't possibly love me. I had forgiven him more times than one can count but he continued to break trust. There was another incident with my best friend that was inappropriate, I never got any answers at all. I know I'm not clear of the truth of this matter.
My husband separated fro the army honorably after 10 years basically due to an ultimatum I had given. Military life was too much. Deployment every other year, I couldn't do it. I knew if we had a chance he had to separate. he won't admit, but he has very bitter and resentful of this. Upon his separation from the military (5 years ago) I started to notice subtle changes in him that I'd never seen. Tendencies of deep rooted anger. Emotional abandonment. Poor choices. At this current time it's absolutely out of control. He is the definition of an emotional abuser. He was taught to not express emotions in childhood- and wasn't given the emotional love he needed. My husband parents highly favored his older sibling. It's very strange- their relationship. They're frivolous with financial gifts to us. But there's absolutely no emotional connection or love in the relationship, and they've never accepted me. I feel that years of harboring emotions has led to a midlife crisis for my husband. He has outbursts of anger- attacking me on my most fragile areas. He aims to hurt, and then denies it. He will say/do something and blantantly deny it. He will scramble the scenario and corner me to lose. He CANNOT handle any form of criticism, and during these hurtful times nor once has he said sorry during the incident- it always occurs days later. It's a cycle like clockwork. He blames everything on me. He minimizes my feelings- and it has gotten to a point that I am scared and ridden of anxiety in such an intense way that I allow him to control me. I have discussed emotional abuse with him. (I have suffered emotional abuse and abandonment, literally since birth). This outrages him, and he says I'm not a "****ing psychologist). I will make attempts to defuse, and request to have a moment to breathe. He will push me until I am an emotional wreck out of control of my emotions, and then tell me that I need psychological help. When I tell him this is unfair to say because of xyz, he uses his famous line "you're deflecting. This is about YOU!"
I believe strongly that there is a high probability that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. He is unwilling to admit any wrong treatment toward me. I have tried so many methods to help him- love him more, show love more in hopes of salvaging a relationship I've invested most of my life to. It gets me nowhere. When he feels weak, he remedies by jabbing me in the most hurtful ways. When it's clear to him that he has hurt me- he seems satisfied and then will walk away. Our first child now almost 10 tells me that sometimes she doesn't feel that daddy loves her. He doesn't listen to her feelings- he gets angry with her easily. I've shared this with him, guess who's fault it is? I've embedded those thoughts into her head. How could he not care about her feelings? I'm worried about her because I know first hand how childhood trauma leads to devastating circumstances in adulthood. When my husband isn't angry/ he's the worlds most loving dad! He plays, and is involved, he listens, and gives. Our children have always been priority over me.
Just two days ago my husband went through my phone and found two messages to two different men that were inappropriate, but I haven't had any physical contact with them. Regardless, it's not ok. It's wrong. I'm ashamed, I'm sad. I'm hurting for him. I've searched for these connections because I crave emotional connection so very much. I have expressed this to my husband 1000 times in a very loving and respectful way that I need this to be fulfilled in our marriage.
He doesn't listen when I talk, he doesn't inquire about prior topics (a big hurt is that I suffer from autoimmune disease that doesn't seem to concern my husband a bit) he often insinuates that he is a trophy parent, and I'm a terrible parent. Simply because, I work long hours. It's hard. Almost impossible. But I do it for us. I want to provide for our family. After the end of a workday, I can't do anything except eat and sleep. This has built extreme bitterness toward me. He chips away at my self-worth day by day denying it all along.
Upon finding these messages, he lost his mind. Called me sl$t, f'n b!tch, told me he didn't want me and to get the f out. I told him I had nowhere to go and he said he didn't care- and would give me as little as he possible could in divorce agreement. I'm certain that he will try to take my kids from me. He comes from money, I do not. I don't have a pot to piss in aside from my underpaid job. He said all these things so that my children could hear. I the past with his never ending lies and deceit, I never did this to him. My husband has transformed into a very unstable, and angry person. I have no idea what happened to him.
I suffer from major depressive disorder, and suspect biderlijenpersonailty disorder stemming from childhood trauma and neglect. I keep myself in check- I'm very hard on myself, constantly feel like a terrible wife, Mom, and sometimes feel undeserving of life. He is aware, but continues to inflict pain to satisfy his pain and anger.
I am sincerely sorry, I feel guilty. I'm lonely. I have very low self-esteem which is what Led me to this poor decision.
I'm in shock st the words he used against me. I tried to tell him I had forgiven him many times, and never used these tactics. (Deflect, this is about YOU) he says.
We are now 11 years into our relationship, and haven't had many good times. We are the epitome of incompatible. I am very much an old soul, very deep and compassionate. Empathetic, dependable, giving, a "caregiver"- never caring for me.
I do not want to give up but I feel defeated. And have felt unwanted thoughts of ending my life. I wouldn't follow through with because I love my children too much. But the pain, the constant pain is unbearable.
Was my husband justified in these actions? Was I deserving of this? What can I do to change the dynamic, and fix our brokenness? Please harshtruth, criticism, I welcome all forms of response. I feel that I cannot go on.
Last edited by MattMatt; 03-26-2017 at 04:37 PM.