11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

I'm going to attempt to shorten this as much as possible. To anyone who takes the time to read and respond, my gratitude cannot be expressed.
My heart is breaking, it has been for many years. I met my husband just a few days after my 18th birthday. He is 9 years my elder and was active duty military at the time. At the time of meeting- he had just returned home from a deployment and was on leave. We met in February, I lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him. It was difficult to say the least. He was already training for his upcoming deployment and we rarely spent time together. I was young, unappreciative, and didn't see the value in all he was sacrificing for me. A quick fast forward- I am now 29, and as all people do, I have changed in many ways. I love deeply, too deeply. I deplete my emotions and energy into loving other people. Rewind- I moved to be with him in May of 2006, we married 9 months after meeting and in retrospect I can see it was a very hasty decision. We didn't even have the opportunity to get to know each other. His deployment day was set for January of 2007, less than a year since we first met. He deployed- two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was very difficult. My husband's tour ended up being extended to 15 months. At this point we still didn't know each other. We went weeks without contact during the deployment because of my husband's job, and I worried sick wondering if something terrible had happened.
I was not faithful to my husband during his deployment. I am still repulsed by my actions. Saddened, unable to forgive myself. I was so young, and so dumb. He never learned of this, and I didn't come clean not because I couldn't accept accountability, but because I couldn't stand to break his heart. When he returned our child was 6 months old- we had two weeks together as a family after a 15 month deployment and he was sent to drill sergeant school. This lead to two years of hell. Drill sergeants are more or less deployed, just sleep at home. He worked 7 days a week, 16 hour days. Upon graduation, he returned the day of my mothers funeral. This incident turned my world upside down. Mind you- this was nearly 2 years into marriage and we were just starting our lives together- on a terrible note. I had no friends in the ARMY, and became depressed living on base. I sat in my home with my child day in- day out. Waiting, watching the clock tick, waiting for a text message- or phone call from my husband because I missed his company so greatly, and felt so incredibly lonely. My husband from the day we met was head over heels for me (or so I thought) I'm thinking it was an act honestly. He showered me with anything I wanted- and treated me with love. Never emotional connective love, that I've always craved so deeply. I've never been able to depend on him for ANYTHING other than income to pay bills. He doesn't ever put any men before himself. He isn't driven to do anything unless there is instant reward or gratification on his behalf. He has NEVER in 11 years known how much money we have- when bills are due, he has never worried with any sort of obligation for our family such as sick kids, school events, keeping our family running. He will show up, but waits on me to communicate everything to him. Step by step, holding his hand like a child. It's never felt like a partnership- NEVER. It's always felt like another child, a burden, he is ambitious about exactly NOTHING. He has no goals- he does nothing to fix anything "broken" in the form of our relationship, or household things. I have to badger him to get it done. It's exhausting. I've never had this with my husband. During this period in 2008, I stumbled upon this number on our phone bill 100s of times. Remember me saying I sat waiting on a call from him? I was lonely and missed him. How could he possibly have time? Who was he calling? I called the number and it was shockingly some sort of sex line. I know this is nothing he ever spent money on because I reigned over finances closely, because I was forced to do so. I was absolutely heartbroken. I had stuck by his side, supported his career, I was the best wife I knew how to be- he called this number multiple times a day. And it had been going on since before we met. I never got the truth about this scenario. I couldn't deal with the heartache- so I eventually made the choice to close the chapter and accept what he had done. I wasn't hostile about it, I questioned him and was obviously hurt. That was that, UNTIL several years later we visited a marriage counselor and had a private one/one on a date my husband couldn't attend. I shared this information with the psychologist, and he said he felt that my husband had gay tendencies and that he may have acted upon them. Omg, the shock, horror, no way was he right. He couldn't be right. I arrived home from this visit- questioned my husband, and he came clean in the sense of yes he had been listening to pre-recorded messages in gay/transvestite chat rooms. Again- he never told me the whole truth. My intuition is uncanny, and I know he didn't tell me the truth. Once again, unable to handle the pain, I closed the chapter. Later, I found this type of porn on his phone. He had become or had always been a pathological liar. I began to feel that everything had been fake. I didn't know him- he couldn't possibly love me. I had forgiven him more times than one can count but he continued to break trust. There was another incident with my best friend that was inappropriate, I never got any answers at all. I know I'm not clear of the truth of this matter.
My husband separated fro the army honorably after 10 years basically due to an ultimatum I had given. Military life was too much. Deployment every other year, I couldn't do it. I knew if we had a chance he had to separate. he won't admit, but he has very bitter and resentful of this. Upon his separation from the military (5 years ago) I started to notice subtle changes in him that I'd never seen. Tendencies of deep rooted anger. Emotional abandonment. Poor choices. At this current time it's absolutely out of control. He is the definition of an emotional abuser. He was taught to not express emotions in childhood- and wasn't given the emotional love he needed. My husband parents highly favored his older sibling. It's very strange- their relationship. They're frivolous with financial gifts to us. But there's absolutely no emotional connection or love in the relationship, and they've never accepted me. I feel that years of harboring emotions has led to a midlife crisis for my husband. He has outbursts of anger- attacking me on my most fragile areas. He aims to hurt, and then denies it. He will say/do something and blantantly deny it. He will scramble the scenario and corner me to lose. He CANNOT handle any form of criticism, and during these hurtful times nor once has he said sorry during the incident- it always occurs days later. It's a cycle like clockwork. He blames everything on me. He minimizes my feelings- and it has gotten to a point that I am scared and ridden of anxiety in such an intense way that I allow him to control me. I have discussed emotional abuse with him. (I have suffered emotional abuse and abandonment, literally since birth). This outrages him, and he says I'm not a "****ing psychologist). I will make attempts to defuse, and request to have a moment to breathe. He will push me until I am an emotional wreck out of control of my emotions, and then tell me that I need psychological help. When I tell him this is unfair to say because of xyz, he uses his famous line "you're deflecting. This is about YOU!"
I believe strongly that there is a high probability that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. He is unwilling to admit any wrong treatment toward me. I have tried so many methods to help him- love him more, show love more in hopes of salvaging a relationship I've invested most of my life to. It gets me nowhere. When he feels weak, he remedies by jabbing me in the most hurtful ways. When it's clear to him that he has hurt me- he seems satisfied and then will walk away. Our first child now almost 10 tells me that sometimes she doesn't feel that daddy loves her. He doesn't listen to her feelings- he gets angry with her easily. I've shared this with him, guess who's fault it is? I've embedded those thoughts into her head. How could he not care about her feelings? I'm worried about her because I know first hand how childhood trauma leads to devastating circumstances in adulthood. When my husband isn't angry/ he's the worlds most loving dad! He plays, and is involved, he listens, and gives. Our children have always been priority over me.
Just two days ago my husband went through my phone and found two messages to two different men that were inappropriate, but I haven't had any physical contact with them. Regardless, it's not ok. It's wrong. I'm ashamed, I'm sad. I'm hurting for him. I've searched for these connections because I crave emotional connection so very much. I have expressed this to my husband 1000 times in a very loving and respectful way that I need this to be fulfilled in our marriage.
He doesn't listen when I talk, he doesn't inquire about prior topics (a big hurt is that I suffer from autoimmune disease that doesn't seem to concern my husband a bit) he often insinuates that he is a trophy parent, and I'm a terrible parent. Simply because, I work long hours. It's hard. Almost impossible. But I do it for us. I want to provide for our family. After the end of a workday, I can't do anything except eat and sleep. This has built extreme bitterness toward me. He chips away at my self-worth day by day denying it all along.
Upon finding these messages, he lost his mind. Called me sl$t, f'n b!tch, told me he didn't want me and to get the f out. I told him I had nowhere to go and he said he didn't care- and would give me as little as he possible could in divorce agreement. I'm certain that he will try to take my kids from me. He comes from money, I do not. I don't have a pot to piss in aside from my underpaid job. He said all these things so that my children could hear. I the past with his never ending lies and deceit, I never did this to him. My husband has transformed into a very unstable, and angry person. I have no idea what happened to him.
I suffer from major depressive disorder, and suspect biderlijenpersonailty disorder stemming from childhood trauma and neglect. I keep myself in check- I'm very hard on myself, constantly feel like a terrible wife, Mom, and sometimes feel undeserving of life. He is aware, but continues to inflict pain to satisfy his pain and anger.
I am sincerely sorry, I feel guilty. I'm lonely. I have very low self-esteem which is what Led me to this poor decision.
I'm in shock st the words he used against me. I tried to tell him I had forgiven him many times, and never used these tactics. (Deflect, this is about YOU) he says.
We are now 11 years into our relationship, and haven't had many good times. We are the epitome of incompatible. I am very much an old soul, very deep and compassionate. Empathetic, dependable, giving, a "caregiver"- never caring for me.
I do not want to give up but I feel defeated. And have felt unwanted thoughts of ending my life. I wouldn't follow through with because I love my children too much. But the pain, the constant pain is unbearable.
Was my husband justified in these actions? Was I deserving of this? What can I do to change the dynamic, and fix our brokenness? Please harshtruth, criticism, I welcome all forms of response. I feel that I cannot go on.


Last edited by MattMatt; 03-26-2017 at 04:37 PM.
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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

What do you want to happen? There are no magic pills, no class that you can take to just make this all better. I think that you have to be honest, honest with your husband and honest with yourself. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. I get the impression that the relationship that you imagine in your mind is not real. I will save you some time and tell you that you can't fix him, you can only fix you. He must choose to fix his problems, that is if he has a desire to change. As you have already stated, there is plenty of blame to go around, but it almost seems like a moot point. I think you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation on whether you want to fix the relationship or just move on with life. If you decide to stay, then your lives have to be an open book to one another. No more phone calls to men or women that the other is not totally aware of from now on. You have to be accountable to one another. You also alluded to the fact that your relationship is more parent-child, instead of equal partners. This can not be sustain and is just a matter of time before it self destructs again. You need to set your boundaries, develop a plan to heal or just move forward. There is nothing easy or quickly that will fix this, it is going to take a long time, and lots of work.
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

He's gay and you're a cheater.

Nothing to save here.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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I want to salvage my marriage. I want a loving giving and compassionate bond. What do you feel is not real not real in my mind

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What do you want to happen? There are no magic pills, no class that you can take to just make this all better. I think that you have to be honest, honest with your husband and honest with yourself. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. I get the impression that the relationship that you imagine in your mind is not real. I will save you some time and tell you that you can't fix him, you can only fix you. He must choose to fix his problems, that is if he has a desire to change. As you have already stated, there is plenty of blame to go around, but it almost seems like a moot point. I think you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation on whether you want to fix the relationship or just move on with life. If you decide to stay, then your lives have to be an open book to one another. No more phone calls to men or women that the other is not totally aware of from now on. You have to be accountable to one another. You also alluded to the fact that your relationship is more parent-child, instead of equal partners. This can not be sustain and is just a matter of time before it self destructs again. You need to set your boundaries, develop a plan to heal or just move forward. There is nothing easy or quickly that will fix this, it is going to take a long time, and lots of work.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:18 PM Thread Starter
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Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.

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He's gay and you're a cheater.

Nothing to save here.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

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Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.
Your husband was in gay chatrooms. He's GAY.

You are both cheaters, and you are in violation of forum rules due to bypassing of the forum word filter.

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he says I'm not a "f$$king psychologist).
Upon finding these messages, he lost his mind. Called me sl$t, f'n b!tch,
Ignorance of the rules is no excuse.

Nice knowing you.

Please don't waste your valuable time praying for me, it's a waste of time.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

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He's gay and you're a cheater.

Nothing to save here.
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Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.
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Please harshtruth, criticism, I welcome all forms of response.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:54 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

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By Kayla
I want to salvage my marriage. I want a loving giving and compassionate bond
.

The character that you described your husband to be is almost unbelievably negative. You both betrayed each other, he resents you, and you have low self-esteem. You wanting a loving and compassionate bond is almost impossible as it will take a miracle of biblical proportions to overcome all the negatives you both have.

If you want to look at the best possible chance for you to have a better life then do not waste time trying to get your husband to change. You cannot change your husband but you should put all your efforts into changing yourself. If you change and become stronger and your husband changes for a long time then you may look at reconciliation. At this point you will be wasting a lot of energy unless you work solely on yourself. As far as your current situation, it is like two people in the ocean that cannot swim and drowning and thinking each other will save the other. You both are way too weak to help each other and can only help yourself by getting lots of good help from all sources. I am not trying to kill your hope but giving some reality as I have seen in my 60+ years of life.

Doing what I have suggested will take an enormous about of action and bravery. However, your alternative, to try and fix the marriage right now has about as much chance as you winning the lottery. Kayla, get the right help and know that in the end you can have a much better life. Millions of women have done it and so can you
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

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I want to salvage my marriage. I want a loving giving and compassionate bond. What do you feel is not real not real in my mind
I have a little bit of experience here as I am retired military and have been to every Army base in Georgia, I worked with Drill Sergeants for two tours and know how tough it is to be on the trail. Soldiers actually deploy more now than any other time in history. This leaves a young wife home, by herself, with nobody but babies to talk to and feeling very alone and depressed. When their husbands do return they are happy to see them, but it can be tough reconnecting together. I would say that this is not what you envisioned military life to be like when you left Smallville, IN for Fort Benning. You saw what your husband could be and what your life could be like. The reality has been substantially different. It is not that the relationship can't be fixed, but most couples don't put in the effort to repair the damage. They traditionally play the blame game or one half tries in vain to fix relationship by themselves, until they ultimately give into other possibilities. This doesn't have to be your fate, but you can't do it by yourself, so you have to take off the rose colored glasses off and be honest with yourself. I sincerely wish the best for you and your family.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

Sadly you married a man you didn't know and he has turned out to have many many issues, one of which is that he is probably gay.(Hetrosexual men dont spend ages on gay sex lines and chat rooms). He is also is also abusive, angry and cruel. You children must be suffering with all this stuff going on.Do you really want them to think this is how marriage is, that a husband acts this way?
Sadly I cant see any alternative to ending this marriage for your own mental health and your children's well being.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:33 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

It's possible that your marriage could be salvaged if your husband were agreeable to go back to marriage counseling. Maybe he's bisexual or was just curious? you should try to have a heart to heart with your husband.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:06 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

" lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him."


I wanna know what your parents said about this? There's no way I would allow my daughter to do this. Were you looking simply to get away from home? I'm guessing you don't have a positive role model of adult, mature marriage to look at? I would divorce this guy and start way back at the beginning with therapy.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

You need to deal with these problems in the order in which they occurred.

First and foremost - you are a cheater. End of story. I do not believe that you love or are in love with your husband. You cheated on him during your early years of marriage. Its true that you married too young but you ARE a cheater - no question there.

Now if he is gay, bi or what ever doesn't matter until you deal with the above. I believe that you want a happy married life but I do not believe that you want it with him. This is evident from your post. As soon as you said you cheated you then went on to bash your husband to kingdom come in just how you had to hold his hand etc and how bad he was at home.

So what are you going to do to ensure that you don't cheat in your next relationship because this one is over! You need to work on making you a better person and you develop a better understanding of why you did what you did and then develop coping mechanisms for the future.

Now, on to your husband. I have seen very few truly bisexual guys. If a guy sleeps with a woman and then goes on to "secretly" look at gay porn etc then there is a high chance that he is really gay. And being military it would have been double hard for him to come out. As to his cheating, from what you say he looked at gay porn, called sex lines etc. Pretty clear that he is a classic closet case. Has he actually slept with anyone else so far ? I would say you need to develop a good co-parenting plan with him.

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No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

for future relationships, no secrets.

You have to stop the contact with other men. Is your H the father of your child? He could be wondering.

You do have to be there for your daughter. Talk to an attorney to get good advice about your pending D. Time to move on with your daughter.

Hope you get a chance to move on, but in the future, find out why you thought it was good for your relationship to cheat.

I do not see much of a chance with your current marriage.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs

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I'm going to attempt to shorten this as much as possible. To anyone who takes the time to read and respond, my gratitude cannot be expressed.
My heart is breaking, it has been for many years. I met my husband just a few days after my 18th birthday. He is 9 years my elder and was active duty military at the time. At the time of meeting- he had just returned home from a deployment and was on leave. We met in February, I lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him. It was difficult to say the least. He was already training for his upcoming deployment and we rarely spent time together. I was young, unappreciative, and didn't see the value in all he was sacrificing for me. A quick fast forward- I am now 29, and as all people do, I have changed in many ways. I love deeply, too deeply. I deplete my emotions and energy into loving other people. Rewind- I moved to be with him in May of 2006, we married 9 months after meeting and in retrospect I can see it was a very hasty decision. We didn't even have the opportunity to get to know each other. His deployment day was set for January of 2007, less than a year since we first met. He deployed- two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was very difficult. My husband's tour ended up being extended to 15 months. At this point we still didn't know each other. We went weeks without contact during the deployment because of my husband's job, and I worried sick wondering if something terrible had happened.
I was not faithful to my husband during his deployment. I am still repulsed by my actions. Saddened, unable to forgive myself. I was so young, and so dumb. He never learned of this, and I didn't come clean not because I couldn't accept accountability, but because I couldn't stand to break his heart. When he returned our child was 6 months old- we had two weeks together as a family after a 15 month deployment and he was sent to drill sergeant school. This lead to two years of hell. Drill sergeants are more or less deployed, just sleep at home. He worked 7 days a week, 16 hour days. Upon graduation, he returned the day of my mothers funeral. This incident turned my world upside down. Mind you- this was nearly 2 years into marriage and we were just starting our lives together- on a terrible note. I had no friends in the ARMY, and became depressed living on base. I sat in my home with my child day in- day out. Waiting, watching the clock tick, waiting for a text message- or phone call from my husband because I missed his company so greatly, and felt so incredibly lonely. My husband from the day we met was head over heels for me (or so I thought) I'm thinking it was an act honestly. He showered me with anything I wanted- and treated me with love. Never emotional connective love, that I've always craved so deeply. I've never been able to depend on him for ANYTHING other than income to pay bills. He doesn't ever put any men before himself. He isn't driven to do anything unless there is instant reward or gratification on his behalf. He has NEVER in 11 years known how much money we have- when bills are due, he has never worried with any sort of obligation for our family such as sick kids, school events, keeping our family running. He will show up, but waits on me to communicate everything to him. Step by step, holding his hand like a child. It's never felt like a partnership- NEVER. It's always felt like another child, a burden, he is ambitious about exactly NOTHING. He has no goals- he does nothing to fix anything "broken" in the form of our relationship, or household things. I have to badger him to get it done. It's exhausting. I've never had this with my husband. During this period in 2008, I stumbled upon this number on our phone bill 100s of times. Remember me saying I sat waiting on a call from him? I was lonely and missed him. How could he possibly have time? Who was he calling? I called the number and it was shockingly some sort of sex line. I know this is nothing he ever spent money on because I reigned over finances closely, because I was forced to do so. I was absolutely heartbroken. I had stuck by his side, supported his career, I was the best wife I knew how to be- he called this number multiple times a day. And it had been going on since before we met. I never got the truth about this scenario. I couldn't deal with the heartache- so I eventually made the choice to close the chapter and accept what he had done. I wasn't hostile about it, I questioned him and was obviously hurt. That was that, UNTIL several years later we visited a marriage counselor and had a private one/one on a date my husband couldn't attend. I shared this information with the psychologist, and he said he felt that my husband had gay tendencies and that he may have acted upon them. Omg, the shock, horror, no way was he right. He couldn't be right. I arrived home from this visit- questioned my husband, and he came clean in the sense of yes he had been listening to pre-recorded messages in gay/transvestite chat rooms. Again- he never told me the whole truth. My intuition is uncanny, and I know he didn't tell me the truth. Once again, unable to handle the pain, I closed the chapter. Later, I found this type of porn on his phone. He had become or had always been a pathological liar. I began to feel that everything had been fake. I didn't know him- he couldn't possibly love me. I had forgiven him more times than one can count but he continued to break trust. There was another incident with my best friend that was inappropriate, I never got any answers at all. I know I'm not clear of the truth of this matter.
My husband separated fro the army honorably after 10 years basically due to an ultimatum I had given. Military life was too much. Deployment every other year, I couldn't do it. I knew if we had a chance he had to separate. he won't admit, but he has very bitter and resentful of this. Upon his separation from the military (5 years ago) I started to notice subtle changes in him that I'd never seen. Tendencies of deep rooted anger. Emotional abandonment. Poor choices. At this current time it's absolutely out of control. He is the definition of an emotional abuser. He was taught to not express emotions in childhood- and wasn't given the emotional love he needed. My husband parents highly favored his older sibling. It's very strange- their relationship. They're frivolous with financial gifts to us. But there's absolutely no emotional connection or love in the relationship, and they've never accepted me. I feel that years of harboring emotions has led to a midlife crisis for my husband. He has outbursts of anger- attacking me on my most fragile areas. He aims to hurt, and then denies it. He will say/do something and blantantly deny it. He will scramble the scenario and corner me to lose. He CANNOT handle any form of criticism, and during these hurtful times nor once has he said sorry during the incident- it always occurs days later. It's a cycle like clockwork. He blames everything on me. He minimizes my feelings- and it has gotten to a point that I am scared and ridden of anxiety in such an intense way that I allow him to control me. I have discussed emotional abuse with him. (I have suffered emotional abuse and abandonment, literally since birth). This outrages him, and he says I'm not a "****ing psychologist). I will make attempts to defuse, and request to have a moment to breathe. He will push me until I am an emotional wreck out of control of my emotions, and then tell me that I need psychological help. When I tell him this is unfair to say because of xyz, he uses his famous line "you're deflecting. This is about YOU!"
I believe strongly that there is a high probability that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. He is unwilling to admit any wrong treatment toward me. I have tried so many methods to help him- love him more, show love more in hopes of salvaging a relationship I've invested most of my life to. It gets me nowhere. When he feels weak, he remedies by jabbing me in the most hurtful ways. When it's clear to him that he has hurt me- he seems satisfied and then will walk away. Our first child now almost 10 tells me that sometimes she doesn't feel that daddy loves her. He doesn't listen to her feelings- he gets angry with her easily. I've shared this with him, guess who's fault it is? I've embedded those thoughts into her head. How could he not care about her feelings? I'm worried about her because I know first hand how childhood trauma leads to devastating circumstances in adulthood. When my husband isn't angry/ he's the worlds most loving dad! He plays, and is involved, he listens, and gives. Our children have always been priority over me.
Just two days ago my husband went through my phone and found two messages to two different men that were inappropriate, but I haven't had any physical contact with them. Regardless, it's not ok. It's wrong. I'm ashamed, I'm sad. I'm hurting for him. I've searched for these connections because I crave emotional connection so very much. I have expressed this to my husband 1000 times in a very loving and respectful way that I need this to be fulfilled in our marriage.
He doesn't listen when I talk, he doesn't inquire about prior topics (a big hurt is that I suffer from autoimmune disease that doesn't seem to concern my husband a bit) he often insinuates that he is a trophy parent, and I'm a terrible parent. Simply because, I work long hours. It's hard. Almost impossible. But I do it for us. I want to provide for our family. After the end of a workday, I can't do anything except eat and sleep. This has built extreme bitterness toward me. He chips away at my self-worth day by day denying it all along.
Upon finding these messages, he lost his mind. Called me sl$t, f'n b!tch, told me he didn't want me and to get the f out. I told him I had nowhere to go and he said he didn't care- and would give me as little as he possible could in divorce agreement. I'm certain that he will try to take my kids from me. He comes from money, I do not. I don't have a pot to piss in aside from my underpaid job. He said all these things so that my children could hear. I the past with his never ending lies and deceit, I never did this to him. My husband has transformed into a very unstable, and angry person. I have no idea what happened to him.
I suffer from major depressive disorder, and suspect biderlijenpersonailty disorder stemming from childhood trauma and neglect. I keep myself in check- I'm very hard on myself, constantly feel like a terrible wife, Mom, and sometimes feel undeserving of life. He is aware, but continues to inflict pain to satisfy his pain and anger.
I am sincerely sorry, I feel guilty. I'm lonely. I have very low self-esteem which is what Led me to this poor decision.
I'm in shock st the words he used against me. I tried to tell him I had forgiven him many times, and never used these tactics. (Deflect, this is about YOU) he says.
We are now 11 years into our relationship, and haven't had many good times. We are the epitome of incompatible. I am very much an old soul, very deep and compassionate. Empathetic, dependable, giving, a "caregiver"- never caring for me.
I do not want to give up but I feel defeated. And have felt unwanted thoughts of ending my life. I wouldn't follow through with because I love my children too much. But the pain, the constant pain is unbearable.
Was my husband justified in these actions? Was I deserving of this? What can I do to change the dynamic, and fix our brokenness? Please harshtruth, criticism, I welcome all forms of response. I feel that I cannot go on.
Or perhaps he did...Also, could you explain the logic to me of not being able to tell (verbally) your H what you did so as to spare him pain, yet you could do (physically) that which would/does.

Peace and long life
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