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Moving on with his girlfriend whilst still living in the married home

5K views 43 replies 16 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
I need to know if there is anyone out there that's dealing with the same or similar situation as I find myself in and if so how do they cope? Five weeks ago I told my husband who I suspected had been cheating for over 18 months that I wanted a divorce. Since then he has confirmed my suspicions and has gone as far as booked a holiday with this woman (going away in 7 days time) and has spent Saturday evenings out all night to then return to the house we live in with our two children the following morning as if nothing is out of the ordinary!!! He has also had a date with this woman and my children without my consent! Has anyone got any advice?
 
#3 ·
Yes, tell him to leave now. There is no way that I would live with a man who was cheating on me. Also get legal advise about the child care etc. That was wrong to take the children to meet her. Do they know you are getting divorced? Do they know that lady is his girlfriend?
Is he going to move in with her? What are his plans?
 
#4 ·
Go to your local family court and file a restraining order and say that you feel threatened by him because of his actions (getting in your face, physical threats, preventing you from leaving the room or the house), and have him removed from the home.

Don't worry about him, he's got somewhere else to stay.
 
#17 ·
As much as she would like him out of the house and he should leave it telling a person to file a false restraining order and making up imaginary threats is hardly sound or good advice. No where in her post did she write he threatened her
 
#6 ·
You had a suspicion, you made plans to divorce, he showed you that you were correct and he was cheating.
I'm not sure what you were expecting to happen? Were you bluffing about the divorce to try and get him to come back to you?

Never use divorce as a bargaining chip. If you were bluffing, he called your bluff. Carry on with the divorce.
 
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#8 ·
The other issue I have is the other woman is a teaching assistant in my eldest child's school and this relationship which they are trying to move to the next level will cause my child confusion and unrest at school as well as at home! I have explained what is happening to my children however. They are too young to understand fully and it would appear their father is not explaining anything.
 
#15 ·
Will his affair have any influence on the divorce? What I mean is that in a few places, you could get a much better outcome financially due to his affair in some places.

So he sleeps in a different bedroom than you? If he does, take anything of his and just throw it in his room.

Lock the door to your bedroom so he never goes in there. That is your private space now.

You will have to share a home with him until he realizes that he has to move out. So to make it more livable for you interact with him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below). Basically pretend he does not exist.

Do you have a job? If so, what percentage of the joint income do you earn?

Do you have a joint bank account with him?
 
#14 ·
You becoming aware of his affair, and the pending divorce, has made him feel free to engage in his new relationship openly. It's hurtful to you of course, but he stopped caring about your feelings a long time ago.

And it's not illegal, so there's no legal recourse for you to have him kicked out of his own residence.

However, you can start being more forceful with the divorce process. The sooner you can divide assets, the sooner he can move out. You may also be able to get in some clauses about introducing a new partner to the children.
 
#18 ·
Up until 18 months ago I was the main wage earner, however I took early release from a very well paid job to save my family and started a part time minimum wage job so I could be closer to home and near my kids, obviously now I know this was a futile effort, leaving me with an income of under a third of the joint income. We do not have a joint account.
 
#19 ·
I’m not sure about where you live, but here (USA) the spouse who earns less can ask for interim spousal support and child support during the divorce. That way you have some protection. Clearly you are going to have to find another job now so that you can support yourself at your previous level.
 
#24 ·
I also agree that making false reports to get a restraining order is just wrong. There are serious cases of abuse that need their reports to be taken seriously. By making a false report, all it does is to take away the validity of the valid reports.

But the OP did not say she was even thinking of doing this.

What her husband is doing is emotionally abusive. It's horrid. She can check with her lawyer to see if there is anything that she can do to get him removed from the home.
 
#26 ·
I also agree that making false reports to get a restraining order is just wrong. T
There is emotional abuse going on when daddy is forcing things with the new gf on the children while daddy still lives with mommy. It damages the kids for life!

The restraining order is for daddy to wake up and smell the coffee. His kids should come first, not him pushing his wife away and replacing her with OW. No matter how small the kids are, they will grow up and realize the sleazy move dad pulled on mom. It's hurtful for the children and they are the ones that need to be taken care of. Talk to your lawyer and get the restraining order so that the woman doesn't come close to your kids. It is not to alienate dad, but any third party until the divorce is final and the kids adjust to the new way of life.
 
#29 ·
There is no need for her to lie in cases like this one. That is why I told her to see and lawyer and stop her WS from bullying his way through is. I did see the poster that advised to lie. That is a bad move and an unnecessary one too. You are are absolutely right about the lies.
 
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#30 ·
I don't know of any state that has a law that would put a man out of his house because he's cheating. That's the point. She might be able to get some kind of order that ways that he cannot take the children around her right now. But that's about it.
 
#32 ·
Continue with the divorce but also expose his affair far and wide. If you don't, he will introduce this **** as his "new girlfriend" as soon as the divorce is final, and friends and everyone will accept her and she will be there, with him and your children. If you expose the affair it will help kill it faster. Your marriage is over but he should not get to keep his side piece or have her around your children.

I don't know what can be done legally, but I would talk to a lawyer to see if there is any way you can keep that woman away from your children until the divorce is final. Do whatever you can to rain on the parade of their affair. Make sure your family, all your and his friends, his family, the little tramp's family, any friends of the tramps that you can find... Make sure they all know those two are conducting an illicit affair and THAT AFFAIR is the reason for the divorce. Hopefully she will be seen as the family wrecker that she is and feel like a pariah around his friends/family and that will hasten her exit from the scene.
 
#33 ·
Divorce is like a war, it's probably the biggest, worst, most expensive conflict a person will have in their entire lives.

It doesn't have to be that way if both parties are mature, responsible, cooperative and honest.

But when one of them has already started the fires burning and have crossed the lines such as the Ops husband has done, (in my opinion only of course) then it's time to pull out the stops and use any and all means to gain the upper hand or at least solid footing.

But I'm being repetitive and the Op isn't interested in my suggested course of action so I will wish her the best of luck, because she's certainly going to need it.
 
#34 ·
Yes it is a horrible thing to go through, my husband and I have both been through it with our exes after long first marriages, but no matter what our spouses have done or do in the divorce, my feeling is that we ourselves can choose to act with dignity, honestly, maturity and fairness. That's what we did.
 
#35 ·
I know that I will get roasted for this response but hey, such is life..

I can completely understand that this hurts but...

Is he doing anything wrong?

To be clear, it was absolutely wrong to have an affair but if the decision to divorce has already been made than the fact that he is still seeing somebody should be irrelevant as his marriage with you is over.

Yes, he is morally bankrupt for having the affair but if your relationship is done and your just waiting for the paperwork than you should both be moving on with your lives, including you. You need to detach any and all emotional connection with him. It sucks that he has moved on so quickly (moved on while he was still in an active marriage) but he has. Wallowing in misery because he is happy isn't going to get you anywhere in your healing.

I would suggest a respectful conversation that should go something along these lines;

STBXH, I don't agree with what you are doing but as our relationship is over it is not my business. What is my business and in both of our best interest is making sure we maintain a healthy co habitation while we deal with this for the benefit of our children. We need to be cognizant of what they see and pick up on in order to minimize any emotional damage to them. For that reason I am asking for their benefit and the benefit of a peaceful cohabitation while we wait for the D, please keep your relationship to being as discrete around your family as possible. Rubbing our nose in your new relationship will hurt your children and create unneeded conflict in our home. I hope you can see the need for this and we can continue to move forward in the best interest of our kids.

If he keeps to these conditions than you should at least be able to minimize the pain.
 
#40 ·
There is a big thread jack gong on here about lying to get restraining order, dropping nuclear bombs, etc. Stop the argument between members. Any continuation of the thread jack will be met with time-out bans.

Stop the thread jack. Respond directly to the OP when she posts.

{Speaking as a moderator.}
 
#42 ·
@Nic0

My take on it is that your husband must be very angry with you. He's have to be to do carry on an affair out in the open with you like this. It's like he's rubbing your face in it.

Is he normally an angry person? Does he have a chip on his shoulder? Does he feel like you owe him or you grossly wronged him? Or does he just feel that the world owes him and you are the target of his anger?
 
#44 ·
I just deleted the second thread jack on here. The participants got a short time out ban.

That's what happens when people start arguing between each other about things that have nothing to do with the OP. And it's what happens when a moderator's warning is ignored.

{Speaking as a moderator.}
 
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