35 Male and I am a wreck - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 19Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:33 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
35 Male and I am a wreck

Been married almost five years with a kid turning almost two. Second marriage ended seven years ago due to personality differences. Current marriage was a rocky stsrt, debts, unemployment, failed business and I thought I met an angel who helped me rebuild my life with some success now.

There months back my wife who is 32 disappeared for a couple of hours and came back saying she wanted a divorce. It has been a downward spiral since.

I had just finally found a decent paying job and taken over some expenses and on the road to feeling like a man again after feeling useless for so long.

Her reasons where that she finally realised I was a deadbeat and had been emotionally absent.

Last month I discovered she has been confiding over IM with another man, gone to his house and worked over divorce papers with him.

She denies doing anything other than that but last week admitted to having sex but not finishing the deed. In between she had made commitments to NC with OM but continued to remain in contact. I only found out because i put an app on her phone but she diligently turned off or muted notifications from him and gps so all I got were key logs, and address book entries which showed she frequently added his number back each morning I left the house for work and whenever she felt it was safe to talk to him. It led me to another phone she kept in secret in another room in the house. I was infuriated when i found it and she kept denying the phone was hers. I left the house in a huff and she got hurt in the process as tried to restrain me from leaving.

I tried to talk to her since. It's been a week. I took the week off work since i could no longer focus on work by this time. She admitted to the infidelity but retracted her admission at having had sex claiming she admitted to it to push me into divorce. She has had a lawyer working on it for three weeks by now and all the while she has been telling me my faults were bigger than hers and thence why she felt she didn't do anything major and she wanted out of the marriage.

During this time she acted normally at home as if nothing has happened while i turn into an emotional wreck. I couldn't get a straight answer to the question of whether she wanted to try make things work, bringing up issues of embarrassment with my family (who knows the details) and her family (who side her when she got injured)

She has tried to reassure me that she is in NC with OM after i laid out what i knew about him and his behaviour which was dangerously close to sexual grooming and power tripping. But before that she made the same commitments but broke them but claimed it was before i explained to her what i had found.

She came to me yesterday while i was trying to find private time and space to rebalance before going back to work. And cried it out with me, and explained if we wanted it to work i had to be emotionally present and supportive with her and our child. I told her that i had stood by my commitments and not broken a single promise while she had yet to stick to hers.

She swore she had since my last talk to her about OM and out of fear of what he was doing kept to NC. And was willing to work it out through the counselling set up by our state agency as part of divorce proceedings and wanted to give us a sort of probationary period.

I keep relieving the moments in time i learnt about the affair and suffering thoughts that she is still talking to OM but evidence says otherwise. She has no hidden apps on the phone and has kept it open to me for some time.

How do i regain the lost trust and overcome what i recognise to be ptsd? What can i expect moving forward?

Liam Sifr is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Beween here and there.
Posts: 156
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liam Sifr View Post
Been married almost five years with a kid turning almost two. Second marriage ended seven years ago due to personality differences. Current marriage was a rocky stsrt, debts, unemployment, failed business and I thought I met an angel who helped me rebuild my life with some success now.

There months back my wife who is 32 disappeared for a couple of hours and came back saying she wanted a divorce. It has been a downward spiral since.

I had just finally found a decent paying job and taken over some expenses and on the road to feeling like a man again after feeling useless for so long.

Her reasons where that she finally realised I was a deadbeat and had been emotionally absent.

Last month I discovered she has been confiding over IM with another man, gone to his house and worked over divorce papers with him.

She denies doing anything other than that but last week admitted to having sex but not finishing the deed. In between she had made commitments to NC with OM but continued to remain in contact. I only found out because i put an app on her phone but she diligently turned off or muted notifications from him and gps so all I got were key logs, and address book entries which showed she frequently added his number back each morning I left the house for work and whenever she felt it was safe to talk to him. It led me to another phone she kept in secret in another room in the house. I was infuriated when i found it and she kept denying the phone was hers. I left the house in a huff and she got hurt in the process as tried to restrain me from leaving.

I tried to talk to her since. It's been a week. I took the week off work since i could no longer focus on work by this time. She admitted to the infidelity but retracted her admission at having had sex claiming she admitted to it to push me into divorce. She has had a lawyer working on it for three weeks by now and all the while she has been telling me my faults were bigger than hers and thence why she felt she didn't do anything major and she wanted out of the marriage.

During this time she acted normally at home as if nothing has happened while i turn into an emotional wreck. I couldn't get a straight answer to the question of whether she wanted to try make things work, bringing up issues of embarrassment with my family (who knows the details) and her family (who side her when she got injured)

She has tried to reassure me that she is in NC with OM after i laid out what i knew about him and his behaviour which was dangerously close to sexual grooming and power tripping. But before that she made the same commitments but broke them but claimed it was before i explained to her what i had found.

She came to me yesterday while i was trying to find private time and space to rebalance before going back to work. And cried it out with me, and explained if we wanted it to work i had to be emotionally present and supportive with her and our child. I told her that i had stood by my commitments and not broken a single promise while she had yet to stick to hers.

She swore she had since my last talk to her about OM and out of fear of what he was doing kept to NC. And was willing to work it out through the counselling set up by our state agency as part of divorce proceedings and wanted to give us a sort of probationary period.

I keep relieving the moments in time i learnt about the affair and suffering thoughts that she is still talking to OM but evidence says otherwise. She has no hidden apps on the phone and has kept it open to me for some time.

How do i regain the lost trust and overcome what i recognise to be ptsd? What can i expect moving forward?
Ok so all this happened 3 month ago, right? What have you done with her since then to regain her back? She is asking for emotional presence. In what way do you think you have not been present?

She left her phone open, thats a great sign. That usually means she can be trusted, unless she has a second phone, like I used to have
SuperConfusedHusband is offline  
post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 07:50 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,264
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

What do you want? Cheaters are notorious liars. You can't trust anything at this time.

Talk is cheap watch the actions and at this time if they are in contact the affair is ongoing and any type of R is worthless/meaningless.

Let you boss know you don't need be unemployed at this time.
Marc878 is online now  
 
post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:09 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Ok so all this happened 3 month ago, right? What have you done with her since then to regain her back? She is asking for emotional presence. In what way do you think you have not been present?

She left her phone open, thats a great sign. That usually means she can be trusted, unless she has a second phone, like I used to have
It started three months ago.
Found out about it last month.
She had a second phone which I found, but have returned it to her. The cops were involved in the matter which I resolved by returning the phone.
I asked to buy the phone from her, and she has agreed.
On some level, while I am inclined to believe her, I find it difficult to trust. I have had no closure from the matter. Because she has not yet done anything over to demonstrate the NC. She claims OM has spurned her, and she is aware of how dangerous a character he is.
I have kept my phone open, and she was more concerned about what my siblings and I discussed during this period, and has seen my messages. But I have had no such benefit. All I had were my tracking app reports.
Liam Sifr is offline  
post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:11 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Ok so all this happened 3 month ago, right? What have you done with her since then to regain her back? She is asking for emotional presence. In what way do you think you have not been present?

She left her phone open, thats a great sign. That usually means she can be trusted, unless she has a second phone, like I used to have
For the past six months finally gainful employment. Been paying off debts, and closing up failed businesses. Been paying steadily to household expenses for the past four months.

Been opening up emotionally, about my problems and issues, and making myself present to help around the house. It's a process, and I'm taking these one step at a time.
Liam Sifr is offline  
post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:32 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,152
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

She's lying.

File tomorrow.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:36 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liam Sifr View Post
I asked to buy the phone from her, and she has agreed.
Ok that's weird.
stixx is offline  
post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:47 PM
Member
 
Taxman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Posts: 320
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
Ok that's weird.
Agreed-please elaborate. What transpired vis a vis said secondary phone.
Taxman is offline  
post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 09:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,988
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

nah. She is not worth it. You need to figure out you anyway. You need gainful employment and then to figure out why you keep picking this type of women. You are only 33.
sokillme is offline  
post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxman View Post
Agreed-please elaborate. What transpired vis a vis said secondary phone.
I found the phone in an emotional moment weekend before last. Found the number, called it with her in tow asking me what I was looking for. Found the phone hidden in a cupboard in the maid's room.

She kept insisting phone was not hers, I left the house, she tried to restrain me and she got hurt in the process.

Phone was locked. Managed to unlock it. Found texts between her and OM. Copied everything. Recovered whatever I could of deleted messages.

I returned the phone since I told the cops I would do so.

She kept the phone where she works since. I have offered to buy the phone back because I have never got any closure regarding this affair, no overt gestures to convince me she was over the OM. Nothing to convince me of NC. I made the offer so I can destroy the one thing that had a hold over her, me and the marriage that had a connection to OM.

She has agreed to it, because she says she has no further need for the phone. I will get it later from her when I get home.

In the two hours since I last posted, I have been let go at my job. My depression surrounding this **** mess for the past few months had caused an irreparable downhill slide at work. There is no recovering from this.

Liam Sifr is offline  
post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 05:29 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 3,078
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

She claims OM has spurned her, and she is aware of how dangerous a character he is.

For Godsakes don't be plan B
Thound is online now  
post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:15 AM
Member
 
manfromlamancha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,406
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

OK Liam - needless to say you are handling this completely wrong because you are in the wrong mindset.

Lets start with the basics.

She is a liar and a cheat - you are not!

You caught her - she did not come clean on her own. If you had not caught her this would be going on right now.

When you caught her she tried to take it underground. She is not remorseful and I highly doubt she thinks the POSOM is dangerous. Probably thinks he is a regular POS that wanted to and got in her pants and lets face it, she enjoyed it. Enough to want to divorce you.

Staying together just for the kid is not a good choice - the kid will sense how miserable your marriage is.

You are on the road to mending yourself and recovering, don't let her derail you.

You shouldn't be "buying" anything from her, or even trying to mend your marital faults until you have resolved this issue. Bad marriage could be attribute to you both 50:50 but cheating is 100% on her and you should not accept any blame for the infidelity. If she tries to lay any of the blame on you again, make sure she understands this.

She should be bending over backwards with giving you (not selling you) her phones, being completely transparent and proving in actions not words that she is truly remorseful and has empathy with what you are feeling before you should even begin to consider R - else this is over and you should be separating finances, talking about custody and getting on with your life. You are nowhere near that now.

If you handle this badly aka rugsweeping, you can expect worse further down the line - heck you cannot be sure that this is her first rodeo. When you realise just how little truth you actually know you will demand a polygraph and will have the both of you STI tested. You will expose this affair. And to add impact (just so that she sees how serious you are) get the kid DNA tested.

You need to reclaim your balls and start delivering real consequences for her actions and truly getting yourself out of infidelity. Do the 180 to help you heal your mind.

Lawyer up and file - now. If things by some miracle improve later you can always call off the D. Let her see you being serious and following through.

BTW who is the POSOM ? Destroy his world too!

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
manfromlamancha is offline  
post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:44 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,924
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

She is having problems in the marriage with you and her first reaction is to go out with OM and have sex? Please, pull the other one, there's bells on it. She is lying and rewriting history. YOu may not be perfect but there is absolutely no excuse for her cheating. Follow the normal procedures for a cheater, see a lawyer, do the 180, etc.
aine is offline  
post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 06:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,339
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

The phone was not hers and yet someone called the cops and made you return it to her? And she sold it to you? And it contains messages between her and OM?

You say the phone was found in the maid's room. Does the maid shed any light on things?
Wazza is offline  
post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:09 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,967
Re: 35 Male and I am a wreck

Hold on Liam,

are telling us that when you took her second phone to find all the data on it she called the cops on you ?....are you telling to say that you want to stay with a woman who cares more about the OM and what they did than you ?....is that what you are saying?
Lostinthought61 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome