Falene

December 18, 2011.

I discovered my husband was having an affair with his best friend's fiance. There is no proof they had sex but I don't believe he is telling me the truth. I am not sure if it even matters because the damage has been done regardless.

I have no one to talk to and if I didn't tell someone who could actually offer me something I think I may explode.

I am so sad. I am so confused. I am so horribly angry. I can't think. I cry over everything.

Any suggestions to regain some order in my life?

jnj express

I take it from what you said, that you confronted your H.

What was said, how did your H. react, and what have you done since then in re: your mge.

You have to stand up for yourself, no matter what---life does go on.

At this point have you decided what you wanna do about your mge.

Is your H. remorseful, contrite, is he asking to stay in the mge.

Also you need to tell his best friend, what you know, so he doesn't go ahead with his mge, not knowing he has a cheating fiancee!!!!------

Almostrecovered

1) expose the affair
2) see a lawyer to know your options
3) see a doctor for STD testing and to help with anxiety and depression

would need to know more to figure out the rest

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morituri

Since your situation is one of double betrayal and potentially violent one, be careful on how you inform his best friend. His best friend deserves to know the truth.

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Falene

I wanted to update my initial post now that I am two months out and can occasionally breathe without forcing myself to.

I took the advice from this post and the many others I have read and did some of the important first steps. I certainly exposed him to everyone but his mother (I just couldn't do it to her).

My DH seems remorseful and has met most of the qualifications of such. Due to this and the fact that I believe I still love him I made the very quick decision of working on the R. He seems to be doing well. Me? Not so much.

I used to be confident, decisive and, generally speaking, a pretty low maintenance kind of girl. Now? I am miserable, wishy washy, doubt even the blue sky above my head and feel so needy I gross myself out. I am not loving me at all.

There is no doubt I am clinically depressed (which I shall be chatting with my doc about) as I don't even want to be around the people who used to bring me nothing but happiness and joy; my kids.

My mind is no longer my own. I have crazy thoughts and fantasies about killing myself, about leaving and never coming back, about killing the OW, about doing the same thing to my DH, rubbing his nose in it and wrecking his life. You name it actually...if the thought is insane I am thinking it it seems at any given moment. While I have no worries of doing any of these things, I feel like I am possessed and I really don't like it.

The single most uncharacteristic thing I have ever done in my life is to stay with my husband after his affair and while it may have been the best move for my husband and my family, it may very well be killing me as the person I was is no longer here.

The worst part is probably the fact I have no one to confide in as I am the "head" of my family and friends. I am the one that helps solves the problems, I am the one everyone comes to with woes and heartaches, etc. So defined is my role that I literally have no one I can confide in that doesn't fall apart when I fall apart.

What do I do now? Hell if I know. I just am working on life one day at a time but I am not seeming to have a great deal of success with that either.

Well that is my sad story as of today. I have hope that my as I chronicle my journey in all of this that my next update is not so damn pitiful!

bandit.45

I'm going through the same thing you are, except this is the second go-around in my life.

You're not alone and you are certainly going through a normal grief cycle.

My doc just put me on Zoloft last week. Its seems to be helping. I don't seem to be going through the dips like I was last week.

Get to a doctor and get an antidepressent.

Shaggy

Have you taken back some of your selfesteem by exposing his cheating to his friend?

A lot of the pain you feel may be carrying the lies for him by covering up his cheating. Exposing it will help you in a big way.

Complexity

This is really heartbreaking, and one of the main reasons why I'm not in favour of reconciliation. The pain is simply not worth it. I didn't go into a relationship to be tortured like this for years. There are too many opportunists out there to fall in love again. It's sad to see you've become a shell of your former self.

But regarding your husband, his best friend's fiancée? really?!?! that's the scummiest thing a person can do. I don't know how you look let alone trust a person like that again.

Falene

Thank you for the kind advice. While I feel anything but normal it is nice to hear that I may very well be just that! lol

Shaggy, I went berserk. I found out about the EA/PA (still not confident how far it went) via FB. The first call I made was to my husband. The second was his "best friend". The third was to my father in law.

My DH works with his best friend and his best friend let everyone at work know. The only person that doesn't know is my mother-in-law and that is just a matter of time. She and I were/are very close and since DDay, I cannot really speak to her as I could not possibly keep the lie going for any length of time.

I try to downplay it to myself but you are right, it is heartbreaking. I also did not marry this man to be tortured, quite the contrary actually.

And, again, you are right...it is right up there on the list of "scummiest things to do" and I honestly have no idea how I will ever trust him again. I truly have a hard time even looking him in the eye because this sludge of love and hate boils up within in me and I have either an uncanny urge to knock his teeth out or become hysterical. Neither one works for me.

Shaggy

BTW - I think you're feelings are 100% reasonable considering everything that has happened.

Simply - you're not crazy by any measure.

Pit-of-my-stomach

BF's fiance!?!? - Wow.

What did BF do when he found out?

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Falene

As crazy as this sounds, not a whole lot. He did let everyone at work know what my DH did but aside from that he never went off on my DH, he didn't dump his fiance or go 1/10th as crazy as I did.

He did get a new job this week, out of state, and will be gone by Thursday which is no small relief to me.

CH

The BF is still gonna marry that girl? Oh, boy you better give him this site because I have a feeling he's gonna need it.

As to your husband and you, it seems like you're just gonna bite the bullet and take one for the team. Not gonna work, it'll come back and haunt you down the road.

Every little thing he does wrong, every little thing he forgets, every little thing that isn't done the way you wanted will get logged into something called resentment. It'll build over the years and very slowly, you won't even realize it's happening until one day you wake and and can't even stand to look your husband in the face anymore.

Just him talking will piss you off, leave while you can because from what you've posted, you are not ready to R with your husband at all at this point. Get yourself put back together 1st and then see if you still want to R .

TRy

Is he taking the fiance with him when he moves? Is he still friends with your husband?

I cannot believe that he would let this go. If he does then there is more to this story than you know.

Falene

TRy, he is taking the fiance with him and I also cannot believe he is letting it go either.

When I first told my DH's best friend I was shocked by his lack of anger and shock. I immediately asked myself if this was a threesome gone bad and I straight out asked him if it was the case. It the was most reaction I got out of him and he was taken back that I could even ask such a thing.

The only thing I can say about my DH's best friend is that he is the most passive man I have ever met.