Complexity

Oh he wants you back al right, he's just got too much pride to admit it otherwise he would've just shrugged seeing you with the other man. I don't know your relationship in detail but I suspect he had this attitude that he's "above" you in a way and you couldn't do any better than him so when he saw you with that other man his preconceived beliefs collapsed and he completely flipped. His reaction is definitely of a man very jealous lol

I think he went into the separation thinking you'll wallow in self pity and continue to chase after him like a puppy, it empowered him in a way. Little did he know however that you'd change this radically and his life would take this turn. It's a turn around of your marital relationship, you're the Alpha one now.

Benatar

Now that you've explained it that way, I think you are 100% correct. Without you even knowing my ex, you've nailed it on the head about him thinking he is the best I could ever do. He has always thought he was "above" me. I have had things thrown in my face over the years about how he paid for everything, even though I was a stay at home mom to our 2 children.

I think that he thought I was gonna continue to be Suzy Doormat and when he was ready to come home, I would be here waiting with brownies baking in the oven for him. I know this is what he was hoping for...He was hoping that I would tell him that I understood what he was going through, and how terrible of me to be upset that he had to find someone else to boost his ego and tell him how wonderful he was because I was not living up to my wifely duties. He was hoping that each time he came over to the house I would greet him with a big smile and a hug for him, and we would fall madly in love and it would give him the excuse to end it with the OW and come home. Well maybe not just like that, but he mentioned the same night that he went to jail (prior to police showing up), that I'm not the same person anymore. You're d*mn right I'm not...No longer your doormat!
He was looking for a different person to come back to. One who would just sweep it all under the rug and act like it never happened. He had the audacity to complain when I told him that "you're not getting sex from me ever again unless you end it with OW".

Yep, he was expecting the wallow in self pity would continue until I was so submissive I was kissing the ground he walked on. I agree with the "puppy chasing" empowered him. I admit, I did do that for a little bit. The whole tears, and begging and pleading bit...ya that got a little out of hand. I didn't like myself very much back then. I am pretty strong when I want to be, and this is the strongest I have been throughout this whole affair. It's driving him crazy, yet his man pride is getting in the way...and he refuses to admit that he is wrong so it's easier to blame me for all of this and go into psychotic jealous tantrums when he is losing control of me.

I have to say, I have done none of this looking for a reaction from him...nor had any expectations out of it..other than to move forward with my life and do what is best for me. As soon as my daughters go off to college I am moving out of state and really cutting off ALL contact with him. I have only 3 years till my youngest will be 18...and I can't wait.

Complexity

Yeah it's quite a jolt when a narcissist gets hit with a proverbial cold bucket of water. After you stopped chasing after him his ego went down the drain. Not only didn't the OW match up, but now even the one he thought he had under wraps has walked out on him. And like you said, he'd much rather make your life a living hell than to humbly come to you and apologize for the way he mistreated you, I think it's even beyond him. I think because he beat you down emotionally for so long he thought he had you "in check", he could predict every move you'd make and so this new you is a complete system shock to him. Seeing you with that other man completely emasculated him.

He wants you to return to your old submissive self, act like nothing happened and in a way, after having learnt of his affair, you'd realise your "failings" as a wife and so from here onwards you'd have to work extra hard to keep him.

I must say though I chuckled when you said he wanted to have you and the OW, I mean, the gall on this guy, doesn't he have any compassion whatsoever to what he put you and his family through?

Eitherway I must commend your transformation. Stick to the road you're on now, the man reaped what he sown and look where it's gotten him. Pat yourself on the back and look restlessly for the future.

Thorburn

He is a nut job. Seriously be careful. See an attorney. Make sure you are never alone with this guy again. He is cracking up big time and based on his behavior is irrational. I am really concerned for your safety.

__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”

Benatar

Thorburn, thank you for your concern. There are quite a few of my friends who are worried about my safety now. My dad is ready to come pay a visit, but dad is 70 now (he still thinks he can whoop some butt). It has been almost 3 weeks ago ...and he has not called or contacted me in any way.

I'm not sure when his court hearing is. I wonder if I will be subpoenaed or not. Someone was telling me that they will make him attend anger management or domestic violence classes. They should also make him see a therapist while they're at it.

Thorburn

IMO, anger management or domestic violence classes will not do much in this case. He will go only because he is being ordered to go and will not be receptive to the education.

Have your dad come visit. I just lost mine last month and if nothing more it will be some dad time.

__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”