I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree2Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-31-2011, 05:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 28
Default I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

What do you do when you finally decide to let your cheating spouse go, told them to go have their affair with the OP and that you are done, yet they won't let go of you?

I have been dealing with this affair for almost 3 years now. I hung on as long as I could, but the pain was too much to bear. I finally told him to " just go, go be with her." Yet he refuses to go...He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with me and the kids, while she spent it with her family.His excuse is that he wants to be around his children during the holidays. I told him to find another place to live or take the kids to her house. He refuses to find another place to live or take the kids to her house because he knows our teens won't go to her house. Then he starts crying. I am so sick of seeing this grown man cry over something he started.

I am surprised the OP takes his measly scraps that he dishes out to her. He has never spent any holidays with her and she still hangs on. I want him gone. I have cut off sex with him a long time ago and now he says, "well how am I supposed to work it out with you if you won't sleep with me, I have to get it some where (referring to sex with OP)...I'm a man, I have needs. So that is his justification for continuing the affair.

I asked him not to buy me anything for Christmas as I did not feel like it was a Christmas with each other. So he ended up spending over $1000 on me, and then just put our kids names on everything. He acts like he loves me, but refuses to give up OP. I am tired of this, my health is now suffering. I have had 2 AFib attacks now with my heart. I didn't have this until after his affair started. Drs. are watching me carefully to see what causes these heart flutterings. I just want this to be over...I keep telling him to go...go be with her and he just won't go.

I have done the 180 and I feel like it backfires on me...In fact he says that the way that I am (180 style, although he doesn't know what it's called) is the reason he started an affair with someone, cause I was too busy doing other things.

I tried to use the whole reverse babble thing on him last night because he kept saying, "you don't even want me" and I said "you're right I don't want you". Not sure if that was effective cause he took off today to go see OP.

It's a New Year and I want to just end it all with him. I don't think he is going to change. All the 180's , NC, even flirting with another man in front of him, doesn't work. The whole flirting with another man made him jealous and then he started to stalk me, check my phone while I was sleeping,he broke into my email...and checkes on my whereabouts all the time now. Yet it didn't make him realize he could lose me, it didn't make him say "Oh wait, I do want to work this out with you, I do want to go to MC"...it just keeps him where he's always been.

He told me after Jan. 1st that he is going to pack up all his stuff and leave. I said, "and when you leave, you know that this is it, it will be over" and all he says is "whatever".

Sigh.....
Benatar is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-31-2011, 05:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
sigma1299's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,397
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!!!

He doesn't have to agree...
sigma1299 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2011, 05:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
ing
Member
 
ing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,198
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

This is really hard. He really, really wants to have his cake and eat it too. I am so sorry that you have had to suffer this and for it to go on three years means he holds you in complete contempt. saying that, you are doing well now.

Just keep suggesting he goes to the OW and that they will be really happy.
"It will all work out for you."
"I'm sure it is the right decision for you."
"I just want you to be happy..
Send helpful links that make agree with their point of view by email.
Basically, you have to help them out the door..

There is nothing more challenging to cheater than their spouse lovingly detaching because they are no longer able to focus on you as the source of the pain and suffering and are left with, wait for it.. Reality.

If you love something, Set it free [corny,but true]

Don't be surprised if his whole house of cards falls down and he wants to R.
Are you indifferent to his needs now? If you are. Divorce him and get on with life.

If not, make sure you add at the front of the detach statement.
I love you but..
"I love you but I want you to be happy."

You will feel better and it will help you detach faster too.

Three years is a hell of a long time in Limbo.

Practically.
Set up a new bank account and move half the money
Cancel joint Credit Cards.
Get the Divorce under way. You can always stop it..
ing is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2011, 06:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 28
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ing View Post

Practically.
Set up a new bank account and move half the money
Cancel joint Credit Cards.
Get the Divorce under way. You can always stop it..
Oh you'll love this one...He actually closed the bank account on me!! We had a joint account for 16 years that he never really used, only I did. But once he became jealous and suspicious of ME, he closed my bank account. I find that so ironic since he was the one in an affair yet he started shutting things down on me accusing me of having an affair.

Later on he apologized and said it was stupid of him to do that to me but that he was just jealous. I ended up opening another account without him on it. We never had joint credit cards together so that's good. Honestly I have done a good job of putting everything in my name, so that he really can't touch anything or hurt me financially. Now I just have to get him to get out of the house and go be with his skank.

I am off to a party tonight, and actually stayed out all night last night with friends and today he is being standoffish to me. I think that I am probably on a different level than a lot of betrayed spouses on this board, because I have finally gotten emotionally stable and do what I want when I want and don't answer to him, but he can't stand it that he has no control of me anymore.

He does seem to want his cake and eat it to. He can't stand not knowing where I'm at or what I'm doing. I left him sitting on the couch last night crying, cause I told him to hurry up and get his crap out of the house so I could move on with my life...then I walked out the door to go meet up with friends.

I am not doing any of this to "get him back" so to speak. I truly am ready to do my own thing, without him. It's just so weird how hard it is to make him GO! He keeps telling me how he wants his family, and I have to remind him that "you don't have a family anymore." And then the tears again from him. He says "I love my family." Dude...you're having an affair...your family is not here waiting for you to figure out your life, your family is not supporting you while you have your affair, your family doesn't feel sorry for you cause you're so confused. Grrr...
Benatar is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2011, 07:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
ing
Member
 
ing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,198
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

This reminds me of my stbxw. She was bleating on about "wanting her family back" at the same time as having an affair. DUH.
She finally ended the affair and now is desperately trying to bury it and "wants her family back"
Maybe she should have thought of that as she walked out the door with a smile on her face, leaving me with the kids while she fcked her married man BF.

Looks like he killed your love stone dead. after three years I'm not surprised!

He really needs to leave now.
Divorce.
ing is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2011, 08:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,093
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

So why haven't you filed?
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2011, 08:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 28
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

We just had a HUGE blowout...just now. Maybe it was reading this forum that go me going. He came in after being out with OW and her family, and came in and sat down on our couch. I said "what are you doing?" He said, "well I came home for a bit, then I'm gonna go back out for dinner with them"...OH I got mad, angry. I said, "then why don't you just go stay with her then?" And he says "cause I wanted to spend New Years Eve with my kids"...I told him just GO...just flipping go be with your woman. Then he says to me..."I will, and I'll move all my stuff out tomorrow"...I said "tomorrow, let's do it now...we have plenty of boxes"...then I threatened to call OW just then, he grabbed me by the wrist and yanked my cell phone out of my hand....I grabbed him by the shirt and it ripped...he grabbed a bunch of his stuff and left. He said he won't be back at all, the kids were crying..I was crying.

As he was leaving, he was throwing it up in my face that it's over, we're done..(Yep, this is what I wanted even though I was crying)...I said, "and you're going to stay away from this house correct?" he says "if that is what you want then yes"...

Gosh I had to go psycho on him to get him out of here. Now he really wont' want to ever come back...and that's a good thing. I couldn't take anymore, I really couldn't...the farther away the better. He will have to figure out how he can see his kids.
I will be filing this week Shaggy.
Benatar is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2011, 08:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,093
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Wow - he just doesn't get how screwed up what he is doing is does he?

btw - Benatar - good name for a singer.
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2011, 09:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
ing
Member
 
ing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,198
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Benatar View Post
He said, "well I came home for a bit, then I'm gonna go back out for dinner with them"...


I had to go mental too!

You are "home" then he "goes out" to his girlfriends and has dinner. He thinks of you as a "family member" this is why he is struggling. He absolutely believes that your love is unconditional and that he can come home at any time. Which from the sounds of it has been true. You will notice that we are fairly radical in dumping consequences.
Dump his **** in bags and tell him to come and collect it Your kids can not see you being tortured any more! he can see them according to law, he can pay support. he can suffer a bit.


Well Done. Enough is enough. You fought long and hard for your marriage. You should be proud of your efforts.
ing is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2012, 02:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 28
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Well he supposedly is coming by today to pack stuff up. I am glad I have the day off as I will be helping him pack it up so I can make sure ALL of it is gone. No excuses to have to come back because you forgot something. I know he will be crying as he packs up his stuff and I have never have been able to decipher what that means.

I have been in limbo for almost 3 years and it has been an exhausting ride. I blame myself for letting it continue for so long. I blame that on love, and for fighting for something that you cared about. Ironic again how they don't have that same feeling or fight for love in themselves. I will grieve...but not for the person he is now. I will grieve for the person who I thought he was.

Just before he left this evening he kept throwing in my face all the things I did that caused him to have an affair. I find it funny that he keeps telling me about a gym membership that was $16 a month, that he had asked me if I really needed to keep even though I wasn't going. At the time, I just said "Yeah, I want to keep it"...see he was on the verge of bankruptcy and he says that he was struggling so bad financially but the measly $16 a month I insisted on keeping and he thought that was so wrong of me to keep that gym membership when he was going broke and I wasn't using it. I get that thrown in my face over and over and over. I blame that on the fact that he didn't share how bad his situation was...I really am not a material girl...so his issue about my stupid gym membership is the dumbest argument ever...If he would have said "Babe..really?? c'mon I am financially struggling...can we cancel this??" but he didn't say it like that...so dumb anyway...Not a reason to cheat on me.

And he kept saying how OW was "there" for him when his business was failing. How she told him he was "so smart" and "he could get through this is he kept trying"...blah blah blah...he makes her sound like a flipping saint!! I was busy taking care of our children!!! which he never had to worry about them getting to school or anything school related...yet I am the bad guy cause I wasn't licking his wounds as his business failed. UGH so tired of this crap!

So it should be done and over with tomorrow. Can't wait to help him pack. Can't wait to start the new year single and free, and this whole affair business behind me. Limbo sucks. I am tired of waiting to see if he "wanted to come back and work it out"...the answer is NO...he doesn't want to...Okay..have a nice life..
Benatar is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2012, 02:51 AM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 28
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Ing...I am proud of my efforts. I put up a great fight for it. I am proud of myself to have fought for something that I loved. I didn't win. That's okay. You can only fight for so long before you just say, "Ok..I give up"...I'm giving up.

He would tell you that I didn't fight, but I know in my heart I did.
This foggy person doesn't remember the video that I made of all of our pictures of us together and with our kids...it's an awesome video that I sent to him to remind him of how much I loved him. This foggy person doesn't remember all the times I tried to talk to him, over and over and over. This foggy person doesn't remember all the times I took him back and believed he was done with the OW only to find out he wasn't. This foggy person doesn't remember all the times I sucked it up and spent time with him and the kids together as a family just so that he didn't get left out of Disneyland or Christmas even though I was hurting knowing she was still in the picture. Unfortunately this foggy person doesn't know what love really is....he doesn't love like I do....and that is his loss. I fought for what I believed was love...now I'm letting it go. It's a new year and time to move forward. I wish him well.
Benatar is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2012, 03:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,148
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Why not pack his stuff and have it ready, or mostly ready when he shows up.

A concern is the physical alternation you two had... it's getting out of hand. Perhaps you could have someone else there while he's packing. It's less likely to get out of hand if there is someone else there.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2012, 03:19 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 89
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

Edit:
oldmittens is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2012, 09:25 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post

A concern is the physical alternation you two had... it's getting out of hand. Perhaps you could have someone else there while he's packing. It's less likely to get out of hand if there is someone else there.
It won't get out of hand today...it only got out of hand because of me. I was trying to discuss this with him and all he does is ignore me..or turns and faces the TV..or the worst one to me...is walk away fro me. I get so frustrated with him ..that I snapped. Once he walked away I went after him. I havent done that to him in a very long time..and if I recall correctly it was during his first affair in 1996 that I did the same thing. But today is a very good date to get him out..a new beginning for me...hopefully. No more tears..no more frustration..no more wondering where he is..what he's doing etc.
Posted via Mobile Device
Benatar is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-01-2012, 09:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,617
Default Re: I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!

You either like living with the the drama or want to be hurt. If not pack his stuff in the boxes , write his name on them and place them in the garage. Change the locks and keep him out.

I assume his parents, yours and the OW's parents know he has been committing adultery and with who.
Posted via Mobile Device
Eli-Zor is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Remember when you were newlyweds and calling your new spouse "husband" or "wife"... Wildflower3 Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 06-11-2013 03:03 PM
Is it wrong to leave an "okay" marriage? Confused99 General Relationship Discussion 65 12-08-2011 07:41 PM
"I won't change, don't like it?, leave"...Maybe I should? imustbenuts Considering Divorce or Separation 16 09-17-2011 05:54 AM
My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate. momarazzi General Relationship Discussion 26 07-02-2009 12:23 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:12 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.