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post #136 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
LosingHim, my cheating wife is displaying a mix-up of behaviours from your lists ---

Cheater one:

Gives BS all passwords to all social media, phone, email
Gives BS full access to cell phone and any other electronic devices including work phones, ipads, laptops., etc.
Informs you when they accidentally run into AP in public and/or sends you screen shots after AP has contacted them without you having to ask for them
They go where they say they are going to go and nowhere else, they come home when they say they will be home, they keep themselves accessible on their phones so that you can reach them at any time

Cheater Two:

Defensive when asked questions about the affair
Lies and trickle truth
Refuses to send No Contact
Continues to engage inappropriately on social media, ‘liking’ pictures of the opposite sex that are questionable, keeping connections with single people of the opposite sex, etc.
Refuses to discuss the affair
Blames you for the affair
Ignores the affair and acts like everything is normal
Gets angry when you bring up the affair, telling you to “get over it” or that “the past is the past” and you need to “move on
She has done the things that are easy to quantify. Her cheater two traits are those that are more subjective. At this point, it is up to her to figure out how much she wants to repair the marriage. After six months, the shock for you has worn off a bit and anger is setting in. The next step will be a very long period of resentment if you allow things to remain the same.

Stop trying to get her to talk about things. You can't force someone to be completely remorseful. You can treat her respectfully, but prepare yourself to end the relationship. The only chance of seeing remorse is if she knows she is losing you. If it instead pushes her to her previous lover or another man, then you really aren't losing anything anyway.

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post #137 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

I can give you a laundry list of “whys” that I did what I did. My husband has always chosen his friends over me, still does. Has NEVER once told me I’m beautiful, doesn’t help with housework, has ignored holidays, doesn’t talk about his feelings, ignores me, we argue a lot, he’s talked inappropriately with other women, had an EA, 99.9999% probability PA of his own, withholds affection…..I can go on and on. My husband is a “good guy”, but not a great husband. The things that I was lacking in my marriage are not the REASON for my ONS. Did those things that were lacking in my marriage make it easy to JUSTIFY that I was allowing the attention that OM was showering on me? YES! I was eating it up like soul food. I thought I deserved those things. I thought that I needed those things. That ego stroking felt SO GOOD. All those justifications surely made me feel like what I was doing was fine in the moment. But that did not make it my husbands fault. Yes, I’d communicated to him a million times what I needed and he chose not to do anything about it. But if I was so unhappy, then I should have left. THAT was my choice. That was my right. It was not within my rights to cheat on him and crap on my entire marriage and vows. That was my CHOICE! Surely there are things that had happened that had possibly made me vulnerable to an affair. But actually HAVING on is a CHOICE. No one else can “push” you into having an affair. You still have free will. Even in the most horrendous situations there is more than one choice. I chose badly. Your wife chose badly.

You CANNOT fix this marriage until she owns her sh*t. And she ain’t close.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #138 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

She needs some help to understand what you are going through. She doesn't get it or doesn't care. Tell her to sort herself out through counceling or even suggest she read a book. Conversations don't matter too much, it's real action that you need to see. Think about the 180.
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post #139 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

guys, the past few days have been relatively quiet...until today.

i chanced upon her sitting and pondering on something. i tried to stay calm as i asked her if she wants to say anything. to which she replied -- "...i was also hurt by the experience...i was hurt with what happened...i became a bad person...you also have hurt me...i feel betrayed...it wasn't worth all the trouble we're having now, and it was all for shallow selfish reasons...i destroyed our marriage and family, i hurt the people that matter the most to me...all for shallow reasons...i wish i could turn back the hands of time to rectify my mistakes...please give me the chance to make-up and do what is necessary to save our marriage...i realized that you're the one i want to grow old with...". she started to cry and i just stood up and let her be.

i don't know how to take or interpret what she meant by those words. i felt nothing.

can you help me out and "decode" what she meant?

TIA...

Last edited by sancheharri; 04-10-2017 at 09:18 AM.
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post #140 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

and this is strange -- i feel nothing...i feel nothing for her. i don't care for her and about the future.

is this normal? am i going through a phase that all betrayed spouses do?
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post #141 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
guys, the past few days have been relatively quiet...until today.

i chanced upon her sitting and pondering on something. i tried to stay calm as i asked her if she wants to say anything. to which she replied -- "...i was also hurt by the experience...i was hurt with what happened...i became a bad person...you also have hurt me...i feel betrayed...it wasn't worth all the trouble we're having now, and it was all for shallow selfish reasons...i destroyed our marriage and family, i hurt the people that matter the most to me...all for shallow reasons...i wish i could turn back the hands of time to rectify my mistakes...please give me the chance to make-up and do what is necessary to save our marriage...i realized that you're the one i want to grow old with...". she started to cry and i just stood up and let her be.

i don't know how to take or interpret what she meant by those words. i felt nothing.

can you help me out and "decode" what she meant?

TIA...
Judge her by her actions not her words.She is manipulating you again and is probably dumbfounded that you didn't comfort her.She may completely change tactics now and even suggest divorce herself,don't fall in her trap she is looking for a reaction,any reaction.Tell her what you want her to do and what you want to know and then Leave the room.
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post #142 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
guys, the past few days have been relatively quiet...until today.

i chanced upon her sitting and pondering on something. i tried to stay calm as i asked her if she wants to say anything. to which she replied -- "...i was also hurt by the experience...i was hurt with what happened...i became a bad person...you also have hurt me...i feel betrayed...it wasn't worth all the trouble we're having now, and it was all for shallow selfish reasons...i destroyed our marriage and family, i hurt the people that matter the most to me...all for shallow reasons...i wish i could turn back the hands of time to rectify my mistakes...please give me the chance to make-up and do what is necessary to save our marriage...i realized that you're the one i want to grow old with...". she started to cry and i just stood up and let her be.

i don't know how to take or interpret what she meant by those words. i felt nothing.

can you help me out and "decode" what she meant?

TIA...
Deflection, reverse victimization, and a half-hearted expression of regret. Hell, it's almost remorse.

But not quite.

DARVO "lite", IOW.

Most of the sentiments that she expressed in your initial post don't jive, BTW. At least not when taken together.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #143 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Sancheharri

Still not remorseful is how I describe your wife. In fact I would hesitate after six months to even offer the gift of remorse. However there is something you can ask her, this should end the blame shifting to you. Ask her if marriage is fifty fifty, half your faults and half hers. Then ask, if you bought a house would you expect me to discuss this with you first? If I decided this on my own without consulting you how would you feel? So in other words wife, important decisions about our marriage should be discussed, correct? Then why did you not consult me when you decided to allow another mans penis to invade your vagina? Tell me specifically how I am responsible for you to spread your legs open, allow another mans penis to enter, when you said absolutely zero to me.

In fact wife, you blaming me has caused me to feel that I need an emotional and PHYSICAL relationship with someone else since you were not available to me. I will be looking for this relationship as you have hurt me beyond any shadow of a doubt over your selfish decision. If I hear one word of you blaming me for ****ing another man, I will divorce and expose to everyone. You did not consult me to **** another man, and I too was involved in the same marriage as you, but I did not run into the arms of another woman.

After you have said this just walk away, do the 180. Your wife is very proud of her manipulating skills, and it's a good action on your part not to comfort her.

What you are feeling is completely normal. It's difficult to feel for the one that betrayed you in the worst way.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #144 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
and this is strange -- i feel nothing...i feel nothing for her. i don't care for her and about the future.

is this normal? am i going through a phase that all betrayed spouses do?
Very normal but i think you are bluffing
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post #145 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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yes, i already said to her repeatedly that we are 50/50 with what happened to our marriage but the affair was 100% hers - and she won't accept it. she always insist that she can not take me away from the "equation" - that "i played a big part as to why she had an affair". she's really good at manipulating that she got me thinking this way at some point, but i'm now firm on my stand that i'm not part of her affair. it was her choice, it was her decision, and i wasn't there beside her when she f*cked that son-of-a-b*tch.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
guys, the past few days have been relatively quiet...until today.

i chanced upon her sitting and pondering on something. i tried to stay calm as i asked her if she wants to say anything. to which she replied -- "...i was also hurt by the experience...i was hurt with what happened...i became a bad person...you also have hurt me...i feel betrayed...it wasn't worth all the trouble we're having now, and it was all for shallow selfish reasons...i destroyed our marriage and family, i hurt the people that matter the most to me...all for shallow reasons...i wish i could turn back the hands of time to rectify my mistakes...please give me the chance to make-up and do what is necessary to save our marriage...i realized that you're the one i want to grow old with...". she started to cry and i just stood up and let her be.

i don't know how to take or interpret what she meant by those words. i felt nothing.

can you help me out and "decode" what she meant?

TIA...

Well, it is manipulation as @Andy1001 said. Straight up.

She got almost to the point of accepting full responsibility but added the part in bold. And she expected you to jump in to comfort her and perhaps to accept some of the blame.

She regrets getting caught, that's it. Realize that it will take time and effort by her ( if she's capable ) to get to the point where she owns it all. Perhaps filing for divorce will jolt her into doing the work necessary. Or not.

But that's up to you.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

Last edited by Malaise; 04-10-2017 at 10:22 AM.
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post #146 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

i admit, i almost fell for that "contrite speech". i felt nothing but it made me think a bit for a moment. but reading your reactions nudged me to wake-up.

i dunno if it was a good idea, but i asked her a bit over dinner yesterday. i was perplexed with what she said - "...i don't see him just using me for sex. if ever that's what he did, i didn't and i don't care. for me, it was just sex, i didn't love him nor felt anything romantic for him. in fact, i'm the one guilty of "using" him for my own purpose. it was for me, i did it for me...validation, excitement, fun, etc...i am not a **** and i don't sleep with my male friends, it's just this one occassion that i made a terrible choice...a cannot admit to something i didn't feel during those times..."

am i dealing with a certified narcissist of the highest order? am i dealing with a woman who has no respect left for her body at all ? i mean it's bad she an affair, but i am aghast because i never imagined this coming from her...i just realized i never really knew this woman at all after being married all these years!
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post #147 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

yes, that's what she's been insisting all along - that i am a big part of the equation why she slept with another man. she wants me to acknowledge my part why it came to this.
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post #148 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
i admit, i almost fell for that "contrite speech". i felt nothing but it made me think a bit for a moment. but reading your reactions nudged me to wake-up.

i dunno if it was a good idea, but i asked her a bit over dinner yesterday. i was perplexed with what she said - "...i don't see him just using me for sex. if ever that's what he did, i didn't and i don't care. for me, it was just sex, i didn't love him nor felt anything romantic for him. in fact, i'm the one guilty of "using" him for my own purpose. it was for me, i did it for me...validation, excitement, fun, etc...i am not a **** and i don't sleep with my male friends, it's just this one occassion that i made a terrible choice...a cannot admit to something i didn't feel during those times..."

am i dealing with a certified narcissist of the highest order? am i dealing with a woman who has no respect left for her body at all ? i mean it's bad she an affair, but i am aghast because i never imagined this coming from her...i just realized i never really knew this woman at all after being married all these years!
Does the answer to those questions really matter?

The only question that matters is this: is this woman you see in front of you right now the one with which you would like to grow old?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #149 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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and this is strange -- i feel nothing...i feel nothing for her. i don't care for her and about the future.

is this normal? am i going through a phase that all betrayed spouses do?
Nope, totally normal. I mean in its most simple form she decided to unilaterally end the marriage. You're not really married to this person anymore and have detached. Perhaps she just doesn't have what you're looking for in a mate. For others it is different.

Can't say I'd blame you, but that's it in a nutshell.

----
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post #150 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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yes, that's what she's been insisting all along - that i am a big part of the equation why she slept with another man. she wants me to acknowledge my part why it came to this.
I could not live for a second with someone who actually told that to me. Talk about verbal and mental abuse.
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