Re: lingering questions in my mind
Honestly, in your situation I think the best thing you can do is slap your wife with divorce papers. Don't give her a head's up, don't tell her you're talking to lawyers, simply have the papers drawn up and present them to her or have her served.
Your wife isn't even remotely close to being a candidate for reconciliation. I cant believe more people haven't told you to file yet. She won't quit her job, she blame shifts, she gaslights, refuses polygraph, still won't tell you the whole truth, I could go on. Not to mention I agree with others I doubt this is the first guy she's been banging behind your back. I'm sure it's just the one fling you happened to catch.
The quote in my signature: "The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship." also applied in the reverse. The one who is least willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one controlled in the relationship.
If your wife has very little reason to believe you are going anywhere after what she did (and I don't care what she said in an email, actions not words), and it sounds like she has very good reason, she has little reason to change and little reason to take you or what you're going through seriously.
You've given her 6 months and your wife doesn't sound like she's interested in changing or even feels the need to.
Also I haven't heard you mention it in awhile but you're going to have to let go of getting the full truth. Chances are you won't, and even if you did it wouldn't make you feel any better. The only thing your obsession with the truth is doing is distracting you from taking action. You probably don't have anything close to the full story of what she's done behind your back during your relationship, certainly not enough to make a decision to stay but more than enough to leave.
You should also ask yourself what would the pros and cons be (for you specifically, no one else) in terms of leaving the marriage. Because I've never heard of a man divorcing his cheating wife, regardless of what else is going on in his life, and regretting the decision. Not saying it doesn't happen, I just haven't seen it.
At this point I think the ONLY thing you can do is a hard 180 and file for divorce so your wife finally understands the concept of consequences for her actions and how serious you are. That MIGHT get her to finally put forth real effort backed by action to repair the damage she's done.
Then again it might not, but at least you'll be on your way to doing what you really need to do. And a divorce isn't filed and then granted tomorrow, you can always stop the process if things start to change.
But yea with the state you describe your marriage, you should really be planning an exit strategy.
"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."