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post #151 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
yes, that's what she's been insisting all along - that i am a big part of the equation why she slept with another man. she wants me to acknowledge my part why it came to this.


Sancheharri

Based on this alone you need to divorce. If I remember correctly you said she wanted her father to talk to you as her mother cheated, right?


Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #152 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Sancheharri

Ok, I found the post that said she asked her dad to talk to you. In her conversation with her dad she admits this is no fault of yours, but then tells you that you are at fault, or at least partly to blame for her cheating. Do you see what she is doing here? Your wife knows she is the only person to blame, admits that to her dad, but uses pure manipulation when she tells you. Her dad would probably tell her she is the only one at fault, so she admits to him it was entirely her bad choice. I suggest speaking to him IF you decide you want to reconcile. But you will tell the truth.

As for your wife, she is doing her best to rug sweep this entire act of infidelity. Think of it this way, if you did this and you called your mom, you would tell the truth. But with your spouse you might not be so truthful. Instead, the problem I see is your wife is not strong and independent at all, she is in fact weak and manipulative. Being manipulative is not independent, its dependency that you do as she wants. As for remorse, not even close, resentment, this I see a ton of. Resentment is the core of the problem that she has for you.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #153 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
yes, that's what she's been insisting all along - that i am a big part of the equation why she slept with another man. she wants me to acknowledge my part why it came to this.
Suggested response:

In order to do that, I'd have to believe that I'm some how partly to blame for your cheating. I don't and I never will.

I can be blamed for my part of our marital problems, but you own the choice to cheat - 100%. You broke your vows, not me.
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post #154 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Honestly, in your situation I think the best thing you can do is slap your wife with divorce papers. Don't give her a head's up, don't tell her you're talking to lawyers, simply have the papers drawn up and present them to her or have her served.

Your wife isn't even remotely close to being a candidate for reconciliation. I cant believe more people haven't told you to file yet. She won't quit her job, she blame shifts, she gaslights, refuses polygraph, still won't tell you the whole truth, I could go on. Not to mention I agree with others I doubt this is the first guy she's been banging behind your back. I'm sure it's just the one fling you happened to catch.

The quote in my signature: "The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship." also applied in the reverse. The one who is least willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one controlled in the relationship.

If your wife has very little reason to believe you are going anywhere after what she did (and I don't care what she said in an email, actions not words), and it sounds like she has very good reason, she has little reason to change and little reason to take you or what you're going through seriously.

You've given her 6 months and your wife doesn't sound like she's interested in changing or even feels the need to.

Also I haven't heard you mention it in awhile but you're going to have to let go of getting the full truth. Chances are you won't, and even if you did it wouldn't make you feel any better. The only thing your obsession with the truth is doing is distracting you from taking action. You probably don't have anything close to the full story of what she's done behind your back during your relationship, certainly not enough to make a decision to stay but more than enough to leave.

You should also ask yourself what would the pros and cons be (for you specifically, no one else) in terms of leaving the marriage. Because I've never heard of a man divorcing his cheating wife, regardless of what else is going on in his life, and regretting the decision. Not saying it doesn't happen, I just haven't seen it.

At this point I think the ONLY thing you can do is a hard 180 and file for divorce so your wife finally understands the concept of consequences for her actions and how serious you are. That MIGHT get her to finally put forth real effort backed by action to repair the damage she's done.

Then again it might not, but at least you'll be on your way to doing what you really need to do. And a divorce isn't filed and then granted tomorrow, you can always stop the process if things start to change.

But yea with the state you describe your marriage, you should really be planning an exit strategy.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #155 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:33 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Give her the D papers.

Tell her that you do not believe her that this is her only A.


She is still protecting the OM and not you, because she will not tell the OM's wife.

She has not written the timeline of her A.
So tell her she has to prove that she is still not in the A? that she has gone NC?
She can't.

She has no remorse . How would she feel if you had an A? okay with her?

Give her the D papers. go see your attorney today. she keeps slipping you poison, because she will not be truthful.

She is still having affairs now.

She can pay for you to go to affair recovery.com. but she has no remorse, and no respect for you.


so let her leave the family. she can pay child support and alimony. She is the one having affairs.
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post #156 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
Sancheharri

Ok, I found the post that said she asked her dad to talk to you. In her conversation with her dad she admits this is no fault of yours, but then tells you that you are at fault, or at least partly to blame for her cheating. Do you see what she is doing here? Your wife knows she is the only person to blame, admits that to her dad, but uses pure manipulation when she tells you. Her dad would probably tell her she is the only one at fault, so she admits to him it was entirely her bad choice. I suggest speaking to him IF you decide you want to reconcile. But you will tell the truth.

As for your wife, she is doing her best to rug sweep this entire act of infidelity. Think of it this way, if you did this and you called your mom, you would tell the truth. But with your spouse you might not be so truthful. Instead, the problem I see is your wife is not strong and independent at all, she is in fact weak and manipulative. Being manipulative is not independent, its dependency that you do as she wants. As for remorse, not even close, resentment, this I see a ton of. Resentment is the core of the problem that she has for you.
i have no intention talking to her dad, yet. the shame and embarassment of what she has done is overwhelming. i avoided every family events because of this. although she keeps on asking me to join their family gatherings. perhaps it's my way of sending them a message that the marriage is not on recovery mode.

yes, resentment - i felt and saw this from her during our numerous arguments and shouting matches. her eyes were full of rage and she seem to be out of her mind. she's totally convinced that i have a big part as to why she became "that horrible person". i think she is so mad or angry at herself for making the wrong choice of destroying herself as a person. in her mind, i am the one who pushed her to seek out other men that ended in failure, thus, destroying herself in the process. she never fails to hammer on this idea everytime we have arguments about the affair.

i'm beginning to think she is still in denial that she let a man she really didn't know to use her just like that. she can't accept that she - a decent and smart woman - is capable of such self-degradation.

yeah, unless she finally accepts full responsibility and (self-forgiveness?), she will never truly change her ways. well, i dunno, i guess i'm just rambling here. i feel like i'm becoming a psycho-analyst of some sort....

Last edited by sancheharri; 04-13-2017 at 09:27 AM.
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post #157 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Nope, totally normal. I mean in its most simple form she decided to unilaterally end the marriage. You're not really married to this person anymore and have detached. Perhaps she just doesn't have what you're looking for in a mate. For others it is different.

Can't say I'd blame you, but that's it in a nutshell.
yes, i'm starting to feel this way - the woman i married and have been with for so many years is gone...the marriage is gone. there's this eerie feeling that this woman is a complete stranger...i don't know this woman.
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post #158 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

You are seeing this properly. Until she gets past this, she will never be a candidate for reconciliation.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #159 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
You are seeing this properly. Until she gets past this, she will never be a candidate for reconciliation.


In my opinion, she won't ever get past it. In her mind she will always blame sancheharri, even her own family will eventually come to realize she cheated.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #160 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Find out the OMs wife's name. It's easy now a days. Send a message to him by contacting her and letting her know whats up.
File for D now.

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post #161 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Sorry you are here my friend.

You need to know that this is not your fault. Your wife did this,she cheated on you and your Family.

Also this is not a mistake. Cheating on your Wife or Husband is not a mistake.It is a choice. She even arranged some trips so she could be alone with this man.
She lied to you about it for years,she kept hidden pictures of them,mails and what else so she can "revisit" her happy times. She wanted to live with this man but in some way he let her down. He dumped her so she turned to her Plan B-you,sorry.

She used to brag to her friends about her Affair because she have something on the side and because it is "IN" and her good friends are doing it too. What ever you decide those friends have to go.

Your wife cut you from sex,made some new hairstyles for her loverboy and get dumped. Now she is 47 years old so she wants to grow old with you. Tell her it does not work that way.

PS. DNA your 4 year old kid.

Stay strong.
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post #162 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Sorry you are here my friend.

You need to know that this is not your fault. Your wife did this,she cheated on you and your Family.

Also this is not a mistake. Cheating on your Wife or Husband is not a mistake.It is a choice. She even arranged some trips so she could be alone with this man.
She lied to you about it for years,she kept hidden pictures of them,mails and what else so she can "revisit" her happy times. She wanted to live with this man but in some way he let her down. He dumped her so she turned to her Plan B-you,sorry.

She used to brag to her friends about her Affair because she have something on the side and because it is "IN" and her good friends are doing it too. What ever you decide those friends have to go.

Your wife cut you from sex,made some new hairstyles for her loverboy and get dumped. Now she is 47 years old so she wants to grow old with you. Tell her it does not work that way.

PS. DNA your 4 year old kid.

Stay strong.
yes, this is more or less the idea or picture that is beginning to sink in my mind.

wow, thanks a lot to all of you. your inputs really helped me find many answers.
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post #163 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

guys, what is "BONDING" or "CONNECTION" for you? i think my cheating wife just "slipped" a while ago when i asked her again what triggered and what happened in the first sexual encounter during her affair. she "slipped" by telling me that - "...we bonded when we had sex...we connected...we cuddled a bit after we had sex for the first time..."

never mind that she allegedly told him a day after that "it was just sex", that slip-up tells me clearly that she indeed "fell for that guy, or she got emotionally attached". this is opposite to her claims that "the affair or the guy meant nothing to her".

LosingHIM was right - a woman won't be coming back for more sex if she felt dirty or didn't enjoy the act. couples do not cuddle or embrace after sex if there's nothing more in it.

forgive me if i seem to be so naive but i just want to confirm from you if i am drawing the right conclusions in light of her lies and betrayal.

Last edited by sancheharri; 04-14-2017 at 10:02 AM.
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post #164 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
guys, what is "BONDING" or "CONNECTION" for you? i think my cheating wife just "slipped" a while ago when i asked her again what triggered and what happened in the first sexual encounter during her affair. she "slipped" by telling me that - "...we bonded when we had sex...we connected...we cuddled a bit after we had sex for the first time..."

never mind that she allegedly told him a day after that "it was just sex", that slip-up tells me clearly that she indeed "fell for that guy, or she got emotionally attached". this is opposite to her claims that "the affair or the guy meant nothing to her".

LosingHIM was right - a woman won't be coming back for more sex if she felt dirty or didn't enjoy the act. couples do not cuddle or embrace after sex if there's nothing more in it.

forgive me if i seem to be so naive but i just want to confirm from you if i am drawing the right conclusions in light of her lies and betrayal.
Well, she IS a liar.

As for going back for more : she liked it, it was hot, illicit , and dirty.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #165 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
guys, what is "BONDING" or "CONNECTION" for you? i think my cheating wife just "slipped" a while ago when i asked her again what triggered and what happened in the first sexual encounter during her affair. she "slipped" by telling me that - "...we bonded when we had sex...we connected...we cuddled a bit after we had sex for the first time..."

never mind that she allegedly told him a day after that "it was just sex", that slip-up tells me clearly that she indeed "fell for that guy, or she got emotionally attached". this is opposite to her claims that "the affair or the guy meant nothing to her".

LosingHIM was right - a woman won't be coming back for more sex if she felt dirty or didn't enjoy the act. couples do not cuddle or embrace after sex if there's nothing more in it.

forgive me if i seem to be so naive but i just want to confirm from you if i am drawing the right conclusions in light of her lies and betrayal.
You (and @LosingHim) are 100% correct.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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