i know all of you mean well. i may be slow to act, it may seem nothing is happening. but i know something has changed within me. i come back here to read and think about your replies. i read other threads in this forum, and i learned a lot.
foremost, i found answers to my questions. those questions in my mind froze me to inaction. i searched for answers until i found this forum. it has become a lifeline for me at this point in time. it is my outlet for the things that bothered me with this affair. reading and posting in this forum somewhat gave me the push to act. i guess i needed the advice to get out from paralysis. i'm sorry if pouring out my pent-up emotions has become annoying.
i am actually in the process of packing my stuff and will move out (at least, temporarily). i can't successfully detach if i stay with her. she doesn't know what i'm doing, she'll get the surprise when she finds out i moved in with my brother. it's painful as i am doing this, but i know i have to.
i hope i'm still welcome to come back here and ask for advice if something comes up...
In many ways you remind me of myself in some ways, I don't know if that's good or bad. I understand, as well as others here, the pain, shock, and disbelief you are feeling. This will usually lead one to either action or inaction, and that is completely normal. Do not dwell on how you reacted initially, instead begin to focus on just you, your healing. That is the most important action you can take at this time, all else will fall into place as you begin to get healthy. Don't worry or even think of any promises or statements you have made previously, in fact tell your wife you need to know all so you can get healthy and to know what you are forgiving.
You being destroyed at this time is normal, get therapy to begin to heal and repair yourself. Interact with your kids as much as possible, they will need a parent through this. When you get healthier you can begin to make decisions, decisions that will build the new healthier you. Accept what has happened, accept that your marriage has died, mourn for the loss of your marriage. When I say to accept what has happened, I'm not saying to throw a party, I'm saying that once you accept what happened is when you can begin to heal. I accepted what happened to me, begrudgingly, but I accepted it nonetheless. I had to so I could heal, grow as a person, and ultimately to get healthy. You're not accepting the affair but rather that the affair happened.
Do not allow your wife to blame shift the affair to you, that is hers to own fully. At any time your wife could have told you she was going to begin dating, she didn't. Your wife could have separated with you or divorced you at any time, she didn't. So her affair is her choice, one she made without consulting you, then lied about because she knew she was wrong. What your wife has difficulty with now is that she is too shallow to own her own ****. That is not a fault in you in any way, that is her flaw she needs to fix of the many flaws she has.
Will you be welcome here? Of course you will. This is your place to listen to others, to help others, to converse with others that KNOW how you feel. You can take the advice or ignore it, it's all your choice. If you find that TAM is helpful, that's great, it all comes down to how you feel. If TAM and the posters here have helped you to move forward, then do so, at your own pace. You are not to move any faster then your own pace. I found TAM to be cathartic and pushing me forward on many occasions. I have then since developed friendships with many posters here. Posters that have supported and advised as well as posters who had no clue they helped me, and posters who have used 2X4's when they were warranted.
I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in your life. I pray that God blesses you with His Healing Hand.