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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #256 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:50 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
i know all of you mean well. i may be slow to act, it may seem nothing is happening. but i know something has changed within me. i come back here to read and think about your replies. i read other threads in this forum, and i learned a lot.

foremost, i found answers to my questions. those questions in my mind froze me to inaction. i searched for answers until i found this forum. it has become a lifeline for me at this point in time. it is my outlet for the things that bothered me with this affair. reading and posting in this forum somewhat gave me the push to act. i guess i needed the advice to get out from paralysis. i'm sorry if pouring out my pent-up emotions has become annoying.

i am actually in the process of packing my stuff and will move out (at least, temporarily). i can't successfully detach if i stay with her. she doesn't know what i'm doing, she'll get the surprise when she finds out i moved in with my brother. it's painful as i am doing this, but i know i have to.

i hope i'm still welcome to come back here and ask for advice if something comes up...
Yes please don't stop seeking in help here. I think you are waking up. Once you let that genie out of the bottle it doesn't go back in.

You are well with the norm of posters here. We are just trying to keep you moving in the right direction. we call them 2x4's or tough love. Stay the course!!!


Last edited by Decorum; 04-19-2017 at 01:54 PM.
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post #257 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:51 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
i know all of you mean well. i may be slow to act, it may seem nothing is happening. but i know something has changed within me. i come back here to read and think about your replies. i read other threads in this forum, and i learned a lot.

foremost, i found answers to my questions. those questions in my mind froze me to inaction. i searched for answers until i found this forum. it has become a lifeline for me at this point in time. it is my outlet for the things that bothered me with this affair. reading and posting in this forum somewhat gave me the push to act. i guess i needed the advice to get out from paralysis. i'm sorry if pouring out my pent-up emotions has become annoying.

i am actually in the process of packing my stuff and will move out (at least, temporarily). i can't successfully detach if i stay with her. she doesn't know what i'm doing, she'll get the surprise when she finds out i moved in with my brother. it's painful as i am doing this, but i know i have to.

i hope i'm still welcome to come back here and ask for advice if something comes up...


Sancheharri

In many ways you remind me of myself in some ways, I don't know if that's good or bad. I understand, as well as others here, the pain, shock, and disbelief you are feeling. This will usually lead one to either action or inaction, and that is completely normal. Do not dwell on how you reacted initially, instead begin to focus on just you, your healing. That is the most important action you can take at this time, all else will fall into place as you begin to get healthy. Don't worry or even think of any promises or statements you have made previously, in fact tell your wife you need to know all so you can get healthy and to know what you are forgiving.

You being destroyed at this time is normal, get therapy to begin to heal and repair yourself. Interact with your kids as much as possible, they will need a parent through this. When you get healthier you can begin to make decisions, decisions that will build the new healthier you. Accept what has happened, accept that your marriage has died, mourn for the loss of your marriage. When I say to accept what has happened, I'm not saying to throw a party, I'm saying that once you accept what happened is when you can begin to heal. I accepted what happened to me, begrudgingly, but I accepted it nonetheless. I had to so I could heal, grow as a person, and ultimately to get healthy. You're not accepting the affair but rather that the affair happened.

Do not allow your wife to blame shift the affair to you, that is hers to own fully. At any time your wife could have told you she was going to begin dating, she didn't. Your wife could have separated with you or divorced you at any time, she didn't. So her affair is her choice, one she made without consulting you, then lied about because she knew she was wrong. What your wife has difficulty with now is that she is too shallow to own her own ****. That is not a fault in you in any way, that is her flaw she needs to fix of the many flaws she has.

Will you be welcome here? Of course you will. This is your place to listen to others, to help others, to converse with others that KNOW how you feel. You can take the advice or ignore it, it's all your choice. If you find that TAM is helpful, that's great, it all comes down to how you feel. If TAM and the posters here have helped you to move forward, then do so, at your own pace. You are not to move any faster then your own pace. I found TAM to be cathartic and pushing me forward on many occasions. I have then since developed friendships with many posters here. Posters that have supported and advised as well as posters who had no clue they helped me, and posters who have used 2X4's when they were warranted.

I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in your life. I pray that God blesses you with His Healing Hand.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #258 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
yes, i'm now aware of this. i'm guilty of enabling her to muddle-up the issues that got me so confused. i was literally paralyzed physically and mentally. but thanks to all of you the "spell" is now broken and i'm taking my first step forward. i know it's going to be an uphill personal battle, it's going to be hard, but I CAN DO THIS. step by step, i can do this...

yes, i can see her game. this is her PRIDE...so she can tell herself and her friends in the end that I AM ACTUALLY THE ONE WHO CAUSED THE MARRIAGE NOT TO WORK OUT because SHE DID EVERYTHING SHE CAN TO SAVE IT.


yes, i felt more pain and anguish with the way she behaved after her confession. i was desperately looking for something to hang-on to, any reason at all that our mariage can still be saved.

You still are to some extent. The only way this would work is if she was doing what you are. I don't think you grasp it yet.

but i can see through it all now. it's time to make the first step forward - DETACH, RECOVER MY HEALTH, GATHER MY WITS, and STAND MY GROUND.


yes, it's really sad at this point. but i will take charge of my own life again, with or withour her. i know there will be major bumps ahead but i will reclaim my happiness and personal well-being.
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post #259 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

You need to speak to a lawyer to protect yourself. This includes the legally material impact of you moving out, even temporarily.

You need to speak with a lawyer.

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post #260 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

How are you my Friend ?

I think you made a mistake moving out from your Home. It is your Home and your Children live there. If things go worse your wife could say you left her and your Children. You have to be smart about this one,trust me.

At this point you have lot of problems so you need to solve them one by one.

Some things to do :

1. You really need to get DNA test. You love your little Champion I can understand it,but demanding DNA test will show your wife how little you trust her. You dont have to see results.He is still your son and always will be. He is 4,right ?
What makes me worry is that your Wife went so deep with Affair so everything is possible. She belived he was the One,she went public with him,brag about him to Family and Friends. So be careful my friend.
2. STD test
3. Friends who supported her Affair have to go. Leave them behind you. They are not your Friends.

Her whole Family is toxic. I dont have a good word for them. Her Sister knew about Affair and she never told you about it.
Her Father is a stupid man saying those things to you. Put him in his place. Dont let him hurt you,he is not a good man.

You need to expose her Affair because she is making you a bad guy here. She is making herself like a victim. Just see reaction from her Parents!

It is up to you how you want to deal with Cheating for a long time,lying for years... She is not remorseful and blames you for destroying your Family. She really is a stupid woman or she belives you are a stupid man,sorry.

I would recommend some individual counseling for you. MC will work only if she comes clean and stops lying.

Stay strong my Friend.
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post #261 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 04:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

i finally did it... i'm staying with my bro for a couple of days now. i feel uneasy and sad, yet relieved. yes, i wasn't able to control myself and cried like a child when i saw my son innocently waving at me as i was going out the door. he had no idea what's going on. geez, i didn't expect to hurt like this...somehow i'm second guessing if i did the right move of creating space between us, but at the same time i feel like i abandoned my young kid.

wife is constantly calling to ask how i'm doing. she's doing her best to be calm but i can sense the tension in her voice. she's insisting to come over but i keep on telling her not to. it's just a matter of time before this boils over again. after a short period of peace and quiet, i'm starting to feel stressed again.

guys, i forgot mention to you one significant issue...sex. since the day of her "full-confession", we still have sex somewhat regularly. at first, it was passionate and it was really good. we never had that for quite sometime. i didn't understand why i felt and behaved that way. i read about "hysterical bonding", and that probably explains it. but after a while, the intensity and passion died down. it was replaced by disgust and resentment. i tried many times to stop having sex with her, from telling her calmly how i feel, to outright rejecting her. but she was insistent to the point of becoming violent. at one time, i had scratches all over because she "forced" her way. i know it sounds ridiculous, but i can say i was "raped" at one point. it was one of the most harrowing experience i had. i had to "give in" just to avoid the scandalous cries and screaming. i just played with my imagination and tried to "enjoy" the physical pleasure that comes with sex.

i already frankly told her several times that i want to stop it. i am just having sex with her not as a husband but as a "friend" (i can't believe i'm having a FWB)...i don't feel the love i used to have for her. i feel like i'm just using and degrading her further (just like what her lover did to her). but she just nods her head and says she wants to.

of course, i enjoy the physical aspect of having sex with her, but that's it. i don't feel guilt anymore for using her...i just see her as a sexual outlet.

do i play along and just continue to "enjoy the physical pleasures" until it stops?...i mean i'm not losing anything anyway because i don't feel anything for her anymore.

she also insists that whenever she whispers "...i love you..." after sex that i also say "...i love you, too..." in return. i'm not affectionate to her anymore. i just treat her as a friend - literally. she just doesn't get it or she's in huge denial?

Last edited by sancheharri; 04-22-2017 at 04:35 AM.
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post #262 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 04:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by Be smart View Post
How are you my Friend ?

I think you made a mistake moving out from your Home. It is your Home and your Children live there. If things go worse your wife could say you left her and your Children. You have to be smart about this one,trust me.

At this point you have lot of problems so you need to solve them one by one.

Some things to do :

1. You really need to get DNA test. You love your little Champion I can understand it,but demanding DNA test will show your wife how little you trust her. You dont have to see results.He is still your son and always will be. He is 4,right ?
What makes me worry is that your Wife went so deep with Affair so everything is possible. She belived he was the One,she went public with him,brag about him to Family and Friends. So be careful my friend.
2. STD test
3. Friends who supported her Affair have to go. Leave them behind you. They are not your Friends.

Her whole Family is toxic. I dont have a good word for them. Her Sister knew about Affair and she never told you about it.
Her Father is a stupid man saying those things to you. Put him in his place. Dont let him hurt you,he is not a good man.

You need to expose her Affair because she is making you a bad guy here. She is making herself like a victim. Just see reaction from her Parents!

It is up to you how you want to deal with Cheating for a long time,lying for years... She is not remorseful and blames you for destroying your Family. She really is a stupid woman or she belives you are a stupid man,sorry.

I would recommend some individual counseling for you. MC will work only if she comes clean and stops lying.

Stay strong my Friend.
thank you for the advice.

yeah, it entered my mind that it's also my house. this is one of the issues that bothers me. i know most of you say to get a lawyer and serve divorce papers. personally, i want to settle matters peacefully. i've heard horror stories about couples undergoing divorce proceedings that severely affected their children. i'm trying to avoid that as much as possible. i want us to be civil and in friendly terms for the sake of my young kid. i want to exhaust all possible means to settle our issues before i force her with divorce papers.

it's strange to be sneaking-in my own place just to see my kid. i don't know how long i can pretend that i'm strong enough not to see my child everyday...

Last edited by sancheharri; 04-22-2017 at 04:32 AM.
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post #263 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
i mean i'm not losing anything anyway because i don't feel anything for her anymore.
You can say that again but you still love her and you care for your Marriage. I am not saying this is a bad thing. It really shows me what kind of man you really are. I only wish your Wife sees the same and maybe tries harder for you.

Having sex with her is normal,she is still your Wife so enjoy it . I will only say to be careful because they sometimes use sex as a weapon. Maybe this is her way to say she is sorry or she is trying to connect with you. On other hand maybe she is trying to play with your emotions. Only she knew the real answer.

A lot of us told you to Divorce her because she never took the full blame for her actions. Not to mention her behaviour with Friends,Colleagues,Family and all lies she told you.

If she starts acting like a good wife and do the right things THEN you can think about Reconciliation.

Stay strong my Friend.
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post #264 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 06:34 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

I disagree. Sex is natures way of creating emotional bond. He needs to disengage from her so that he can make a decision based on sound logic

Moving out is a good way to disengage, but you really do need to talk to a lawyer

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post #265 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 10:35 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Sancheharri,

I think someone told her, or she read, that the longer you go without sex to make\keep the bond after infidelity, the more you will detach, and the more likely it is that this will end in divorce.

She is desperately trying to keep the odds in her favor. Which in and of itself is not a bad thing. It depends on intention and remorse.

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post #266 of 266 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 10:38 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

On the other hand, going without sex for a long time can make a man desperate and it is way less work to have sex with an existing partner than to put yourself out there and risk it with someone new. Clearly she hasn't thought of that lol.
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