lingering questions in my mind - Page 19 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #271 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 08:14 AM
eric1's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 978
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
yeah, during the "hysterical sex" stage i did feel the love, anger, anguish, physical pleasure, mind-movies all mixed-up. i was crying inside wanting to shout-out and choke the hell out of her, but at the same time i felt the old bond and connection i had for her. it was crazy! and you know what the crazier part is?....she was crying when we had our first "hysterical sex".

but now, all i feel is the physical pleasure. yes, i do feel good and connected somehow whenever we had sex, perhaps there's still some love left in me somewhere. but i'm finding it harder and harder to feel that love as days went by.

yeah, i think the way we handled things after "d-day" and how it unfolded between us extiguished whatever love that's left in me. now i feel BLANK.

yes, i was aware of this. i was afraid i might fall into her "trap" that's why i attempted to stop it. but then i just thought to myself "...ok, if you want sex, i'll give it to you. but i'm just going to use you. i know what you did and what kind of a woman you are. i have no respect for you..." somehow this line of thinking worked for me. i just bang her and "enjoy" myself.

yes, i also think she's using sex to cling-on to whatever hope she has to keep me from leaving for good. but i can tell you it's not working on me. the opposite is happening...the memories of the love i once felt for her is fading more and more everyday.

yup, i'm a man...and i need sex. :-)

thanks for the advice. but i have given-up the hope that she'll change. i realized NOBODY CAN CHANGE ANYBODY. sex or no sex, change would have to come from within her. deep and meaningful changes. i guess one of the reasons i had a hard time moving-out is because at the back of my mind, things will change....she will TRULY change. but i don't see it happening at this point. IT WAS SO PAINFUL that whatever hope and love i had for her had vanished. i guess the "man" in me finally prevailed. i was having sex with her just for sex, and at last i was able to move out.
You're spot on about this. And even if you did "see it happening" you could safely move on and then force her to "REALLY make you see it happening".

Put it this way, disengagement at this point is really the only thing to do because there is literally nothing else that you can do.

eric1 is online now  
Sponsored Links
post #272 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:03 AM
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 116
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
Are there answers to these questions that would somehow change what she did and the hurt is caused you? I doubt it. You are staring down a rabbit hole that (in most cases) only gets deeper and more convoluted the further you go.

You should be asking yourself some questions right now. Thing like:

- What do I want from life?
- How important is trust in my marriage?
- Am I the kind of person that can ever move past such betrayal or will it haunt me for the rest of my life? Will I be triggered with doubt and panic every time she is late coming home or her phone rings at an odd hour? Will I imagine her with the other man when we have sex? Etc.
- Do my wife and I really have compatible values if she is capable of such selfishness and callous indifference?
- Are my feelings for her based upon her true self or an illusion?

You get the idea. For me, I can't imagine any response to infidelity short of immediate and permanent ending of the relationship. I might be able to forgive a cheater in time, but I would not sacrifice my own quality of life by subjecting myself to the never-ending doubt and anxiety. Once someone is proven to be a liar and untrustworthy, how would I ever completely trust them again? That's no life for me.

There are some people that claim to be able to repair the trust and salvage the relationship. Maybe you are one of them. Maybe not. This is the most important thing you need to ponder and be brutally honest with yourself. You'll never know the truth about her and what she did. You can know the truth about yourself.

Good luck in this unfortunate journey.
Love thisss!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk
DEMI6 is offline  
post #273 of 279 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:23 PM
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 33
Re: lingering questions in my mind

It seems you have realistically assessed all of the issues you are facing and made the decision you judge to be the best for you. That's the thing that I wish for all BH's. When you do what's best for you the healing begins. You have a great chance to find peace, you will be a better father - your WW will be better off in the the long run as well. Congratulations!
theDrifter is offline  
post #274 of 279 (permalink) Old 06-10-2017, 11:26 PM
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 94
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Hi @sancheharri, just checking in -- how are you doing? have you been able to start detaching from your wife? Have you started doing the 180 yet???
jlg07 is offline  
post #275 of 279 (permalink) Old 06-11-2017, 08:00 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 57
Re: lingering questions in my mind

hi jlg07, thank you for asking. it has been an emotional roller-coaster for me since i moved-in with my brother. it's hard, but i'm generally okay. as much as i try to avoid re-hashing and re-thinking about everything (especially before sleeping at night), i oftentimes inflict pain on myself by thinking about it. sometimes i feel hopeless that this will never go, but when i think about it, many went through the same thing i'm going through now....and they were able to overcome the challenge. my time to overcome this will come. i just have to fight and be strong as a man. if others did it, so am i.

somehow, i think my WW accepted i need the "space". she's not insisting anymore for me to come back. we just talk over the phone and whenever i see the kids. we talk mostly about them.

do i worry that she's playing the field again?...yes, it entered my mind but i don't dwell on that thought anymore. my focus is on the children and taking care of my emotional and physical well-being.

i've been re-connecting with my family and old friends, going on road trips, and keeping myself busy. and it's effective to some extent. it's during the night at bed time that i'm having trouble.

some of my buddies are urging me to go out and have some "friendly dates" with the opposite sex. it may help in keeping my mind pre-occupied, but i feel i'm not ready yet for that. what do you guys think?

sometimes i find myself asking - is this it?...years of marriage ending-up to nothing? a huge part of my life "wasted" just like that...long years that can never be taken back...years that could have been spent with someone better...lots and lots of "what if's". reading new and old threads in this forum makes me ask - "WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN NOT TO DESTROY THEIR LIVES and OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES as well?..."

i'm sorry if i'm ranting...but that's how it is with me right now.

keep up the good work, guys...i'm sure a lot of troubled lives are being helped in this forum.
sancheharri is offline  
post #276 of 279 (permalink) Old 06-11-2017, 08:23 AM
GusPolinski's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,289
Re: lingering questions in my mind

What's the goal of the separation? Divorce?

Have you filed any papers?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #277 of 279 (permalink) Old 06-11-2017, 10:08 AM
RWB's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,045
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
sometimes i find myself asking - is this it?...years of marriage ending-up to nothing? a huge part of my life "wasted" just like that...long years that can never be taken back...years that could have been spent with someone better...lots and lots of "what if's".
Not just "wasted"... Stolen.

Like some sick Truman Show false reality where lies have replaced truth. When you have been cheated on for years, you wonder "if" anything was real or just some cheap façade to hide the deceit.

Been there. Sanch, time to get out of PARK and move on... time to make new memories.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
RWB is offline  
post #278 of 279 (permalink) Old 06-11-2017, 10:10 AM
farsidejunky's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,028
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
What's the goal of the separation? Divorce?

Have you filed any papers?

Brother, this is limbo.

If you want to heal...if you want to stop wasting even more of your precious, finite time...sever the ties.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #279 of 279 (permalink) Old 06-11-2017, 10:17 AM
turnera's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 36,147
Re: lingering questions in my mind

I'm a big believer that when we marry the first time, it's often with the wrong person. We're not mature enough, we haven't experienced enough, we think with our other brain...IMO the only benefit out of those marriages are the wonderful kids. And once we are free of that toxic, caustic marriage, we are now ready to go out and experience REAL life the RIGHT way and meet BETTER people. You're now smarter, better off, wiser, and you'll have learned how to spot users and selfish people and keep them at bay.

So look forward to your new future. You're gonna be fine. Be the best dad you can be, let them see ONE parent with dignity, grace, and integrity, so that they can grow up to emulate YOU, not her.

You'll be fine. Get the divorce finalized.
turnera is online now  
Sponsored Links

Quick Reply

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What's in your mind? Kitty08 The Social Spot 2239 03-19-2017 06:01 PM
Made a decision in my mind...........WAW in four years if nothing changes LilMissSunshine General Relationship Discussion 70 01-08-2017 09:19 AM
Only 1 Mind Movie remains: sex in public places MAJDEATH Coping with Infidelity 116 08-03-2016 01:52 PM
Going nowhere fast - starting to lose my mind! (And everything else..) thoughtfulechidna Considering Divorce or Separation 13 01-25-2016 01:28 PM
He says he is losing his mind... lewislane General Relationship Discussion 22 01-09-2016 03:43 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome