lingering questions in my mind - Page 19 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #271 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
yeah, during the "hysterical sex" stage i did feel the love, anger, anguish, physical pleasure, mind-movies all mixed-up. i was crying inside wanting to shout-out and choke the hell out of her, but at the same time i felt the old bond and connection i had for her. it was crazy! and you know what the crazier part is?....she was crying when we had our first "hysterical sex".

but now, all i feel is the physical pleasure. yes, i do feel good and connected somehow whenever we had sex, perhaps there's still some love left in me somewhere. but i'm finding it harder and harder to feel that love as days went by.

yeah, i think the way we handled things after "d-day" and how it unfolded between us extiguished whatever love that's left in me. now i feel BLANK.


yes, i was aware of this. i was afraid i might fall into her "trap" that's why i attempted to stop it. but then i just thought to myself "...ok, if you want sex, i'll give it to you. but i'm just going to use you. i know what you did and what kind of a woman you are. i have no respect for you..." somehow this line of thinking worked for me. i just bang her and "enjoy" myself.

yes, i also think she's using sex to cling-on to whatever hope she has to keep me from leaving for good. but i can tell you it's not working on me. the opposite is happening...the memories of the love i once felt for her is fading more and more everyday.

yup, i'm a man...and i need sex. :-)

thanks for the advice. but i have given-up the hope that she'll change. i realized NOBODY CAN CHANGE ANYBODY. sex or no sex, change would have to come from within her. deep and meaningful changes. i guess one of the reasons i had a hard time moving-out is because at the back of my mind, things will change....she will TRULY change. but i don't see it happening at this point. IT WAS SO PAINFUL that whatever hope and love i had for her had vanished. i guess the "man" in me finally prevailed. i was having sex with her just for sex, and at last i was able to move out.
You're spot on about this. And even if you did "see it happening" you could safely move on and then force her to "REALLY make you see it happening".

Put it this way, disengagement at this point is really the only thing to do because there is literally nothing else that you can do.


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post #272 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Are there answers to these questions that would somehow change what she did and the hurt is caused you? I doubt it. You are staring down a rabbit hole that (in most cases) only gets deeper and more convoluted the further you go.

You should be asking yourself some questions right now. Thing like:

- What do I want from life?
- How important is trust in my marriage?
- Am I the kind of person that can ever move past such betrayal or will it haunt me for the rest of my life? Will I be triggered with doubt and panic every time she is late coming home or her phone rings at an odd hour? Will I imagine her with the other man when we have sex? Etc.
- Do my wife and I really have compatible values if she is capable of such selfishness and callous indifference?
- Are my feelings for her based upon her true self or an illusion?

You get the idea. For me, I can't imagine any response to infidelity short of immediate and permanent ending of the relationship. I might be able to forgive a cheater in time, but I would not sacrifice my own quality of life by subjecting myself to the never-ending doubt and anxiety. Once someone is proven to be a liar and untrustworthy, how would I ever completely trust them again? That's no life for me.

There are some people that claim to be able to repair the trust and salvage the relationship. Maybe you are one of them. Maybe not. This is the most important thing you need to ponder and be brutally honest with yourself. You'll never know the truth about her and what she did. You can know the truth about yourself.

Good luck in this unfortunate journey.
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post #273 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

It seems you have realistically assessed all of the issues you are facing and made the decision you judge to be the best for you. That's the thing that I wish for all BH's. When you do what's best for you the healing begins. You have a great chance to find peace, you will be a better father - your WW will be better off in the the long run as well. Congratulations!
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