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post #31 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Sancheharri, the point you are missing is that you likely will not get those answers until she believes you are on your way out of the marriage unless she provides exactly what you are asking for, with zero hesitation or withholding of information, in any way, shape, or form.

In order for her to believe you are on your way out, YOU must believe you are on your way out.

It has become absolutely cliche on here and other relationship forums, but it is no less true:

You must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #32 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
,10) she said she stopped the affair when the guy started comparing and complaining about his wife, and the affair was somewhat becoming "serious". - BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met."
What good and what were her expectations? Her explanations,appear nonchalant to me,as opposed to remorseful.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #33 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
a lot of you guys gave sensible replies and advice. i said divorce is on the table, but i'll admit i'm not ready for it at this point. my mind is totally f*cked-up. i'm trying my best to get a grip, but so far i'm failing.

yes, that's it, perhaps i'm grieving the loss. i'm grieving that the wife and marriage i had died the moment she started flirting with someone else. this might be one reason why i feel like dying inside day-in, day-out. it felt eerily similar when my mom died a few years ago.

i'm aware she probably didn't and will not tell all truthfully, that's why i'm seeking for some plausible answers and explanations here to some of the questions lingering in my mind. i have been fighting hard to divert my thoughts from these questions but they just keep on haunting me. every minute, everyday. i'm obsessed with it...i'm obsessed with getting details. i can't help myself from thinking about it at this point.

please bear with me if i seem to be insisting in getting answers. which is true, which is not? her answers just made me more confused. i already pointed out to her about inconsistencies in her storyline, but she just told me she can't remember many details as she already put it behind her. and the affair didn't matter to her in any way so she didn't bother to remember or keep the memories.

i mentioned to her going through a lie-detector test, but she insists on just moving on and try to start over rebuilding. she pleads that she's remorseful and she's dealing with it herself - the remorse, shame, guilt, etc.

perhaps if i can just make a rough picture or storyline of the affair, i can probably start putting it to rest and push me to finally take that first step in healing...
I was just like, I needed to know why, how and whatever else. No my wife didn't have a physical affair, there was an emotional affair and then I caught what I see as a possible second EA. But I dug, poked and prodded everything and everywhere, I just couldn't understand it. It drove me insane to the point that I barely slept and was constantly on edge.

All I can say is stop. You know it did happen, you've heard her responses and seen her reactions. What happened has happened and there's nothing you can do to change that, but what you can do is change yourself. All knowing every detail about what happened is going to do is make things worse. You need to put it behind you and move forward, with or without her. If you don't you're only going to end up hurting yourself more than you already are, and it will end up hurting any future relationships you may have as well.
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post #34 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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a lot of you guys gave sensible replies and advice. i said divorce is on the table, but i'll admit i'm not ready for it at this point. my mind is totally ******-up. i'm trying my best to get a grip, but so far i'm failing.
You need to love yourself more... it may sound overly simple, but it really is the best thing you can do right now.

Be good to yourself while you ride this wave of sadness and don't look to enhance your pain... we often look for ownership in other's poor choices that we are hurt by, after awhile we find that we cannot build calm if we are too busy living other's pain of half-truths, and half-truths are like spoiled food: once you get a taste of it your first reaction is to spit it out in self-preservation, and then take the known action to stop eating, transferring knowledge to wisdom that it's consumption is damaging.

Will this desire to know something that will cause you more pain worth the self-torture?

I think you have hurt enough... love yourself more, and let go... trust the process.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #35 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Cheater here. Sorry to be blunt, I want to give you the other side of the coin.

I had a ONS and lied to my husband for 2 years, told him it was just a kiss. Your wife is absolutely lying when she said she didn’t want it to continue, but it continued. I screwed around with my AP one time. While I didn’t come clean with my husband about the full extent of what I did (which ended up being oral sex that I did not complete), I did NOT like what I did. I had pretty big guilt and shame for it. And therefore, I never did it again. No, I did not do everything “right” after cheating (there’s no way to do that the correct way) I had incredibly easy access to my AP. He (still) lives 2 roads over. Our kids are friends. He was my husbands best friend and after a year we started hanging out with him again. I could have easily gone underground to continue the affair. My AP is a serial cheater known for his conquests with women. Should I have chosen to continue it, it would have been incredibly easy to do so. But since I didn’t WANT to, it never happened again. Please understand, I am not bragging about what I did. I do not mean for it to sound that way or to trigger anyone. I’m just trying to point out that if your wife said she didn’t want to continue, but did, she’s full of you know what. There are always choices. She CHOSE to cheat the first time and she CHOSE to continue it. EVERYTHING she has told you is a crock of crap aimed at “minimizing” your pain and saving her own behind.

This is not remorse. Not even in the slightest. And it’s not there because she has zero fear of losing you.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #36 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
a lot of you guys gave sensible replies and advice. i said divorce is on the table, but i'll admit i'm not ready for it at this point. my mind is totally f*cked-up. i'm trying my best to get a grip, but so far i'm failing.

yes, that's it, perhaps i'm grieving the loss. i'm grieving that the wife and marriage i had died the moment she started flirting with someone else. this might be one reason why i feel like dying inside day-in, day-out. it felt eerily similar when my mom died a few years ago.

i'm aware she probably didn't and will not tell all truthfully, that's why i'm seeking for some plausible answers and explanations here to some of the questions lingering in my mind. i have been fighting hard to divert my thoughts from these questions but they just keep on haunting me. every minute, everyday. i'm obsessed with it...i'm obsessed with getting details. i can't help myself from thinking about it at this point.

please bear with me if i seem to be insisting in getting answers. which is true, which is not? her answers just made me more confused. i already pointed out to her about inconsistencies in her storyline, but she just told me she can't remember many details as she already put it behind her. and the affair didn't matter to her in any way so she didn't bother to remember or keep the memories.

i mentioned to her going through a lie-detector test, but she insists on just moving on and try to start over rebuilding. she pleads that she's remorseful and she's dealing with it herself - the remorse, shame, guilt, etc.

perhaps if i can just make a rough picture or storyline of the affair, i can probably start putting it to rest and push me to finally take that first step in healing...
Your more in the denial stage than grieving. Your hoping answers will give you some sort of closure but the ultimately wont, they just lead to more questions. The answers you already received should tell you all you need to know. She is unwilling to be truthful and just wants to bury it, not repair the marriage. You've gotten double talk and nonsense for answers. Right now the only she probably regrets is admitting anything because you just didn't rugsweep it like she wants.

It's time for a long overdue talk with a lawyer.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #37 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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a but she just told me she can't remember many details as she already put it behind her. and the affair didn't matter to her in any way so she didn't bother to remember or keep the memories.
Another way to phrase this;

Your marriage and you mean so little to her so why bother to try and remember the events that destroyed you and it?
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post #38 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:06 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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i am fighting hard to regain control of my mind. i'm trying to accept the reality that i may never find everything about the affair.

but my soul is yearning for answers. oftentimes i feel like losing it. the images and unanswered questions...my brain seems about to explode.

i feel like i'm split in half - one-half says just leave and never look back, but the other half is desperately seeking answers.

perhaps if i can somehow have some answers, even just opinions or reasonable guesses, i can makeout or have an idea what really transpired in the affair. THEN perhaps i can start to move on to recovering myself.

i'm a mess...

thanks, guys. keep 'em coming. i am reading and pondering on with your answers. i badly need this.
Listen to the first half. Your wife isn't remorseful. There are better options out there. Find and honest loyal person and you will have a better life. Life is hard enough without living with someone who stabbed you in the back and then blamed you for it.

Let me ask you a question why is this OK for you? Why do you feel like you are not worth more then that? Why is it OK for her to abuse you and not have any consequence. For you to continue to give her your loyalty when she gives you none. Are you worth so little? Is there really no women out of the tens of thousands out there who would not be willing to give you more then this?

Your wife knows she has your loyalty and she has used it to abuse you with it. She is not a good women, and she is not a catch.

This is your life man, you only get one. Is it worth spending you time trying to get someone whose even if she does love you, love is worth so little? What does love even mean when she says it. Not what it means when you say it.

Life is TOO short.

One more thing the most striking thing about what she says is that none of any of it even afterwards is about what she has done to you. Your wife sounds like a psychopath if this is really the way she talks. Everyone says the quickest way to get them back is blah blah blah, you shouldn't want them back. A loyal dog for companionship and some porn would be better.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-30-2017 at 08:27 PM.
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post #39 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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hello everyone,
10) ... - BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met."
Well, better luck next time...and there's a good chance that they'll be a next time unless she snaps out of her fog.
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post #40 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

i've repeatedly read all your replies and i can't thank you enough people for your suggestions and inputs. it's amazing that it's much better here than going to a MC, and they're supposed to be professionals and experts on these matters. i guess we chanced upon a mediocre MC.

LosingHim, you're a woman who also made the same mistake (although not exactly the same) as my wife did, would you be kind enough to comment or expound more on the 10 conflicting statements of my wife as i have posted? i know all of you advised me to just let go and move on, but i feel i just can't take the first step in healing if i don't hear any answers to some questions in my mind. i would like to request for your opinion and comments as a woman. TIA.

with all your inputs in mind, i again tried to ask my cheating wife why there are so many inconsistencies with her story. her reply was - "...in hindsight, i was also confused and messed-up during the affair that's why i as able to commit those despicable things...and i'm still confused and disappointed at myself at this point for cheapening myself and destroying our marriage and family. i don't exactly know what came to me that made me throw all in the wind for some shallow thrills and excitement. i don't know what and how to answer all of your questions but i am doing my best to be truthful and honest to you...i'm also a mess right now...but what i'm sure of is that i didn't have any romantic feeling ever for that guy. inspite of whatever i felt and thought of during the affair, i realized that i never stopped loving you..it was you all along...i can not express how much i regret what i did to you and our family..."

i just left it at that for the meantime. i'm just too exhausted...

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post #41 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

i've been also reading many threads in this forum. it's not that i'm gloating or something but i somehow find it relieving that i am not alone. i'm a bit surprised that cheating is very common. i mean i'm aware of these things. i even joked about this issue among my buddies, but when i was the one put on the spot, i was shocked to the core. i just can't believe it!

i don't like to judge others but what is it really going on inside the minds of people who cheated? are they basically good people who made wrong choices? i mean all of us make mistakes. is there a character flaw that can or can't be changed? i don't understand...

yes, FEAR - i think i am afraid of what's ahead after all of these. reading about the experience of StillSearching made me think harder...
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post #42 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:01 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Your first step is to get in touch with her boyfriend's wife. Then you'll start getting answers.

It is good you are reading other threads here. You will see freshly betrayed will often fumble with this step but once it's done they universally come back to recommend it as a critical action to their recovery

Remember, don't let her know you're doing this. She will just warn him.

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post #43 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 06:08 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Your first step is to get in touch with her boyfriend's wife. Then you'll start getting answers.

It is good you are reading other threads here. You will see freshly betrayed will often fumble with this step but once it's done they universally come back to recommend it as a critical action to their recovery

Remember, don't let her know you're doing this. She will just warn him.
I agree that you should reach out to OM's wife. Sometimes the other betrayed spouse knows a lot more about the affair than you do. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they just don't want to talk about it. You might get lucky and get more truth than you have now.

And the simple answer to all the "why did she do it questions" is because she wanted to do it. She chose to do it and keep it going for 4 long months.
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post #44 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 06:11 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

OP, you are still talking...and talking...and talking some more.

Letting fear suspend action will only serve to prolong your agony.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #45 of 266 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
i've been also reading many threads in this forum. it's not that i'm gloating or something but i somehow find it relieving that i am not alone. i'm a bit surprised that cheating is very common. i mean i'm aware of these things. i even joked about this issue among my buddies, but when i was the one put on the spot, i was shocked to the core. i just can't believe it!

i don't like to judge others but what is it really going on inside the minds of people who cheated? are they basically good people who made wrong choices? i mean all of us make mistakes. is there a character flaw that can or can't be changed? i don't understand...

yes, FEAR - i think i am afraid of what's ahead after all of these. reading about the experience of StillSearching made me think harder...
There are common elements with all cheaters but cheaters are not all the same.

Without more of a back story on your wife, her infidelity, how long, how it was discovered and who it was with as well as some of your history, it is hard to determine some answers to your questions.

Good people are tempted but don't.

Bad people are tempted and do.

At some point, your wife became a disgusting human being. The reasons won't be good, why she chose to prostitute herself like a cheap piece of ass or give up the dignity of the title of wife and mother for that of a s*** for some married piece of crap.

But she did choose to become and do all that.

You should seek to work on yourself because I do not sense you are ready to handle this in a healthy way yet.

Can you get some distance from her for a while?

You need some peace and goodness for a while and leave the hard stuff until you can breathe without pain.

Give us a history and back story with the aforementioned details and we can probably help you better.
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