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post #46 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:40 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
OP, you are still talking...and talking...and talking some more.

Letting fear suspend action will only serve to prolong your agony.
Stop trying to make sense of what she did. it is quite clear that she is no unique snowflake. She did it because
(1) it was fun and new and exciting
(2) she went back because she liked it and anything she says to the contrary is a crock or crap
(3) she never thought she would get caught or have to confess. none of them do
(4) she believed you would not leave her, and that has been proven correct
(5) and she doesn't care enough to lay it all out for you. A Married woman who cheats on her husband does not forget everything
(6) and she has gotten away with you not knowing crap and putting up with it.

I believe most of us here believe that if you put divorce papers in her hand ( you can stop it any time you want to) that all of a sudden her memory will recover instantaneously. Right now, other than you being a wreck, which she should be a hell of a lot more worried about than herself, all she has is some minor inconvenience of you not being Mr. Nice Guy

And by the way, no mention of what she is really doing to be accountable to you for her time and communications other than telling you to suck it up and move on.

Stay the hell away from MC. The last thing you need right now is some idiot telling you to move on and focus on what you did wrong to cause this.

You are on a merry go round and it will not stop until she fears what might happen. Until then you get stonewalled and the chances of it happening again are heightened because she basically got away with it.

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post #47 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:50 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
a lot of you guys gave sensible replies and advice. i said divorce is on the table, but i'll admit i'm not ready for it at this point. my mind is totally f*cked-up. i'm trying my best to get a grip, but so far i'm failing.

yes, that's it, perhaps i'm grieving the loss. i'm grieving that the wife and marriage i had died the moment she started flirting with someone else. this might be one reason why i feel like dying inside day-in, day-out. it felt eerily similar when my mom died a few years ago.

i'm aware she probably didn't and will not tell all truthfully, that's why i'm seeking for some plausible answers and explanations here to some of the questions lingering in my mind. i have been fighting hard to divert my thoughts from these questions but they just keep on haunting me. every minute, everyday. i'm obsessed with it...i'm obsessed with getting details. i can't help myself from thinking about it at this point.

please bear with me if i seem to be insisting in getting answers. which is true, which is not? her answers just made me more confused. i already pointed out to her about inconsistencies in her storyline, but she just told me she can't remember many details as she already put it behind her. and the affair didn't matter to her in any way so she didn't bother to remember or keep the memories.

i mentioned to her going through a lie-detector test, but she insists on just moving on and try to start over rebuilding. she pleads that she's remorseful and she's dealing with it herself - the remorse, shame, guilt, etc.

perhaps if i can just make a rough picture or storyline of the affair, i can probably start putting it to rest and push me to finally take that first step in healing...
I feel for you. I really really do. I am not going to pretend to have answers, just a few thoughts to share...

1. You'll NEVER get the answers that you need to fill the gaping hole. You'll never 'understand'. Think of it this way. If you sat down with someone who committed a heinous and senseless murder and had them 'explain it' to you, you being a good person, nothing the perp can say will EVER make you understand. You'd get stuck in loops. You wonder why not just this or how come not that... When you sit and think about it, it really is easy to do the right thing in life. The wrong thing is usually 'hard'.

1.1 This is where is gets trippy... even if she were an open book (forget polygraph, I'm talking hypnosis, theoretically for argument's sake) and could without any fear and any shame and with perfect recall be completely open to you to how she felt.... All of this presumes that those were honest feelings and and not in some state of dissonance within herself. So a person in these situations will say "he made me feel [blank]" when in fact she only fooling herself for unknown reason (past trauma, trying to live up to something she saw on facebook - who knows).


You can't expect someone to be honest with you when they are not able of being honest with themselves...

1.2 Don't confuse honesty with fortitude. Even if she could have the integrity to be honest with herself and the humility (without humiliation) to be honest with you, that does not mean that she did not enjoy this or that didn't want it on some level. The only way to explain this one is that a fundamentally good person trying to unravel this from a rational mind may look at this and say, "oh you were suffering, you were in a bad place and very vulnerable when this happened, so I am going to infer that absent that pain - you would not have done this and we would be who I had thought we were". And this would likely be wrong, too.

1.3 This is why she can't go there with you of all people. If she can't be honest with herself about this, about why it happened, about what pain brought her here, about any of it, how can she do these things with the person she has hurt the most.

2. This one is going to get me flamed... In the purest sense of it all. It kinda doesn't matter. None of this matters (see 2.1) The most important question isn't what happened (trying to re-piece / re-assess the person she "forensically" is an exercise in futility - it will definitely give you insight into the human condition, but not into the person your wife is), the question may not even be "what do want from here on out" (although in a perfect world it is). Here on planet reality, the only question that matters is, given that she wants to stay "is she capable of making this work going forward and are you willing to live with this (truly love her) for the next 40 or so years"....

2.1 What she actually did or didn't do kinda doesn't matter and isn't an accurate measure for ****. It's what was going on in her head and her heart (see point 1.2). People can do crazy ****, disassociate in the moment, and that moment has no baring on who they are. People can do crazy ****, love it, and later fool themselves into thinking they disassociated in order to protect their self esteem, People can "do the right thing", NOT do the crazy ****, but always look back wish they had...

I am sorry. I am truly sorry for giving you the biggest pile of non-answer answer. But I got half way through these and couldn't go on reading... I don't believe in forensic re-hashing. If she wants to tell you everything as a means to confess her transgressions against you, against herself, and against your marriage, that is something else altogether. But it would be primarily for her. And at point then you're playing the role of bff / therapist. All the while you yourself are stuck in a loop...

Last edited by james5588; 03-31-2017 at 09:04 AM.
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post #48 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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LosingHim, you're a woman who also made the same mistake (although not exactly the same) as my wife did
What your wife did was not a mistake. A mistake is when something unintended happened. By mistake I bumped a glass off the table and it broke on the floor. That's a mistake. Your wife intentionally committed a string of betrayals, then she committed a string of lies. Now she is intentionally disrespecting you with her answers.

If you've read LosingHim's story you'll see a huge contrast compared to your wife. You'll see that she is respected here for how she has owned what she did. We all do the wrong thing sometimes. What is important is how we correct ourselves. This is, I think, the crux of what people are getting at here on your thread. Your wife is not on the path of correcting for her wrongs.

Getting answers to your questions is an important part of the process to recovering from her betrayals. But the larger issue is she appears to be continuing to deceive you. She certainly is attempting to get you to rug sweep the entire thing. You don't have the correct process in place to get your answers, nor do you have the correct process in place to get to a successful R.
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post #49 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

I would say that at this moment you are shell shocked, standing alone in the field of ruin of what your marriage and life were. Been there myself and it's rough trying to find your way through. You are giving way to rug sweeping as your wife tries to snow you with details. Doesn't remember is not true, didn't have feelings for OM isn't true. Want to know if she had feelings for OM? Tell your wife you exposed him to his wife that OM had an affair. If he isn't married, tell your wife you exposed OM at their work. Sit back and watch the fireworks. Want to know if it's fully over? Surprise your wife at work to take her to lunch, but before you leave ask your wife to take you to OM's desk first for a chat. Again, watch the fireworks.

Your wife needs a consequence, as does your MC. Schedule another appointment with your MC, then do what I did. At the session take a small puzzle in with you. Tell your wife and MC this puzzle represents the affair. Ask your wife to put the puzzle together. After she does look her dead in the eye with anger and say, you know all of the affair. Then look at your MC, tell him/her, she knows every detail of the entire affair, do you agree? MC will most likely agree with you. Next take a few pieces out of the puzzle, then say this is what you know of the affair. Look your MC dead in the eye, ask how you are to forgive? How do you move forward? What are you forgiving your wife for? How does this have anything to do with what you did pre affair? Next look at your wife.

Ask your wife what happened in a spot where a piece is missing. Tell her without full disclosure this relationship ends. Tell her you have an appointment with a lawyer, you are filing for divorce due to adultery and list OM on the papers. This becomes public record, your wife will have a fit about this. Tell your wife, who is remorseless by the way, that the only way forward for you is to go down the path of divorce. Tell your wife she broke her vows, gave away what was to be exclusive to you like a cheap piece of trash. Tell her you can't go forward until she feels remorse.

Your wife is regretful, yet has pride with her affair that she can't be humble. Your wife is refusing to tell you all to protect herself, remorse would mean she feels your pain and hers, but she is protecting herself. So from your posts, reconciliation would be useless, then look at your MC and say, you should know this. Get up and walk out.

I strongly suggest you file for divorce, you can always stop the divorce. Do the 180, do this for as long as you need to heal to a healthy point. Listen to the posters here, give more backstory, and finally, if they are working together still, the affair isn't completely over.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #50 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

1) She may have told the guy it was just sex. And maybe at first she thought it was. Or maybe that’s what she told HIM to downplay it in her own mind. It was safer to her to have an affair if it was “just sex”. Or maybe she thought the guy would be more willing to screw around if it was “no strings attached”. Otherwise, I myself as a woman have never met a man that I have such immediate, raw sexual attraction to that I had to drop my pants for them right then and there for no reason. She was getting SOMETHING out of this. I didn’t have feelings for my AP, but we were friends so I had a fond kinship with him. The reason mine escalated was because he was complimenting me, stroking my ego, telling me all of these great things about myself that I felt like I hadn’t heard in so long. I was eating it up like heroin. I didn’t have feelings for HIM – but I greatly enjoyed the things he was saying. I wanted them to continue. Then I felt like he deserved a “payment” for these things. I did end up stopping less than a minute in, but the deed was already started and I made a horrible CHOICE to even let it get as far as compliments. He evoked good feelings in me that I ate up. Do not be confused that at the very least your wife greatly enjoyed his attention. Although, if this happened numerous times, I highly doubt there were no feelings involved. Women just are not wired this way.
2) As a person who in the past had really bad boundaries, this could very well be how it started. I have an inappropriate sense of humor and I’ve always been “one of the guys”. I can totally see now that in the past I’ve crossed numerous lines of appropriateness by not stopping advances, allowing flirting. Even though I wouldn’t flirt back or say these things back to the men, by allowing THEM to do it, it led them to thinking they had a chance, that I was available or willing and it was disrespecting my marriage on a different level. There’s no such thing as “harmless flirting”. Harmless flirting leads to affairs.
3) She could have felt dirty and cheap. I felt dirty and cheap. Still do. But I’d be interested in knowing which encounter she felt dirty and cheap during. I felt dirty, cheap and wrong so I stopped. And then I didn’t do it again. However, if she felt dirty and cheap during encounter 2 but went back for 3 more times……obviously she didn’t mind that feeling. If something makes you feel shameful, you rarely do it again. Because the shame and embarrassment of it is so overwhelming, you couldn’t. There are 2 scenarios for the ‘enjoyment’ factor. She either greatly enjoyed it and that’s why she went back for more. Telling you she didn’t enjoy it is to save your feelings. As women, we might let bad sex with our spouse slide, because we love them anyway. What would be the point of having an affair if the sex is bad? Which goes back to question number 1. She MAY entertain bad sex – BECAUSE SHE HAD FEELINGS.
4) No answer. Some people are crazy condom Nazi’s. Other people don’t care. My guess would be that they didn’t use them. Affairs are secret. A lot of times sex is had in secret places, with very little time to plan, an opportunity arises and they take advantage of that. Unless he carries around condoms at ALL times, it’s highly likely they didn’t use them. Or at least not every time. Being that he’s a married man, I doubt that he carries condoms around. He and his wife probably do not use them. Him buying and hiding them would arouse suspicion with his own wife and make it more likely he himself would get caught. Of course, there’s the possibility he could run to the gas station and grab one beforehand, but you do realize that makes their encounters that much more planned and calculated, right?
5) Meh. A lot of people will tell you they don’t set out to have an affair. I didn’t. Hearing “it just happened” makes my skin crawl. But in my case, I freaking ADORED my husband. Had you told me I would cheat on him, I’d punch you in the face. I didn’t set out to cheat that day. Or ever. But you combine a LOT of alcohol, soft boundaries and compliments and apparently that was my perfect recipe to be a sh*tty human being who didn’t care about anything. So maybe she didn’t when she first met him. I’ve had fleeting fantasies about men I’ve met. You can’t control a little tingling in your loins. But there’s a huge difference between a little tingling and full on sex. If she was having fantasies about this man, her guard should have been up even higher. The fantasies made her vulnerable to advances, and she did nothing to stop that.
6) Possibly. But I’m sure she enjoyed the attention. Or she wouldn’t have kept going back for it and encouraging it.
7) Who cares if she’s a sl*t. Or if she’s a wh*re. Is a sl*t a woman that sleeps with 20 men in a year? Or one who only sleeps with 2 in a lifetime, but one just happens to not be her husband. No need to put a label on it IMO. Sure, I feel like a wh*re sometimes but that label says nothing and does nothing. The fact is, yes, she became cheap. Maybe she’s conflicted on whether or not she feels like a sl*t.
8) Talking in circles because that’s easier than admitting the truth.
9) But she didn’t care what the guy felt for her. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have an opinion on whether he was true or honest. LOL at a proper date. How do you have a proper date when you’re both married. Yeah, they had a “buddy” relationship. A F*ck Buddy relationship.
10) This line kills me. Her “expectations weren’t being met”. I’d want to know exactly what those expectations were. That also points to it being very well thought out and calculated.



Point blank, you’re getting the run around and not true remorse. You will drive yourself insane. My husband also cheated and a lot of his answers are similar to yours above. “I had feelings but not the kind you think they are”. “We just talked about our lives, but I can’t give you specifics of the conversations because I don’t remember”. “I didn’t talk about you and I” but yet found out from her he was telling her he was leaving me, I didn’t make him happy, etc. He was promising her that they were going to be together. Still won’t admit it was physical but I’m not an idiot, he was sneaking to drive to her house 2 hours away during the work day……I still don’t have a lot of answers. Probably never will. It eats at me every single day. It pops into my head at the worst moments. He takes our daughter to school every day. When he was going to see his AP, he would tell me he needed to go into work early for meetings. That was how he could go see her 2 hours away during the work day. He’d get to work at 6, work until 10, take 4 hours of vacation and be to see her by noon. He’d stay until 2:30 and then come home and be home by 430 when I get off work. He drives a lot for work so I never suspected a thing. Yesterday he told me he needed to go to work at 6AM today. He has a somewhat “legitimate” reason to be there that early. But I have no way to verify what he’s doing. If he’s back to his old tricks. My anxiety has been through the roof since yesterday. He’s also not being very nice to me, which is what happened last time as well. He couldn’t be nice to me because he was in the fog of “her”. I’m literally sitting her waiting for a bomb to drop. I’ve been in a trigger since yesterday. I’ve obsessively checked all of her social media, 7,8,9 times since yesterday. I am trying to plot and plan ways to get him to either meet me at home at lunch or early afternoon so I can verify he’s where he’s supposed to be. He took my car today so I’ll be verifying the mileage later. He’s a baseball coach and I’m freaking out that it’s raining today because that means the game could be cancelled which would give him the opportunity to go. If the game isn’t cancelled, he wouldn’t have time to go and come back. I can verify that he’s at work at least a partial day because my cousins husband is a driver for where he works and I can ask if he’s there.

That’s my life – ONE DAY. That’s just how I feel RIGHT NOW. Is that how you want to live your life?

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #51 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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i don't like to judge others but what is it really going on inside the minds of people who cheated? are they basically good people who made wrong choices? i mean all of us make mistakes. is there a character flaw that can or can't be changed? i don't understand...
First, you have every right and obligation to judge others. Certainly regarding how their actions impact you and your community. You have every right to your set of standards and to judge people according to those standards.

As to what a cheating wife is thinking, there are a limited number of different scenarios. It seems all the affairs I am aware of fall into some pretty simple basic patterns. I believe almost all cheaters do in fact have a character flaw. Just like chronic shop lifters or unreformable alcoholics. There is something in their psyche which allows them to rationalize it as ok for them to intentionally do these things. I believe your wife certainly has a character flaw wrt disloyalty.

An e-book which I think would explain your wife's behavior and thought patterns is "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley. If you can find a reasonably priced copy somewhere I think it would answer a lot of your questions. The author charges a crazy high price on her own website.

Last edited by Thor; 03-31-2017 at 10:38 AM.
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post #52 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Everything you're asking and feeling I did too.

But your wife isn't helping you at ALL. Unless she steps up and starts acting like someone who deserves you, you need to kick her out.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #53 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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First, you have every right and obligation to judge others. Certainly regarding how their actions impact you and your community. You have every right to your set of standards and to judge people according to those standards.

As to what a cheating wife is thinking, there are a limited number of different scenarios. It seems all the affairs I am aware of fall into some pretty simple basic patterns. I believe almost all cheaters do in fact have a character flaw. Just like shop lifters or unreformable alcoholics. There is something in their psyche which allows them to rationalize it as ok for them to intentionally do these things. I believe your wife certainly has a character flaw wrt disloyalty.

An e-book which I think would explain your wife's behavior and thought patterns is "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley. If you can find a reasonably priced copy somewhere I think it would answer a lot of your questions. The author charges a crazy high price on her own website.
True.
First understanding women and men bring different things into a marriage. That's nature.
Second understanding the effects of giving those things away and what damage it causes, both men and women, are crucial.
Mostly the betrayer must understand what it is they have given to be truly remorseful. Because without the nested value you cannot have true empathy.
Empathy is where remorse begins.
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post #54 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Cheaters trickle-truth, so your concern that you're not getting the full story is more than likely warranted. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. He helps couples recover from affairs and has had great success with a concrete plan to move forward, or at least to get the full story to decide if you WANT to move forward. It includes getting the full story from the WS, and likely going the polygraph route to make sure. Only then will you know what you're dealing with. As much as the poly route sounds like drama to me, I've read that WS trickled the truth all the way into the parking lot before the poly, only to come out with confessions that are far worse than what they led their BS to believe.

Of course she wants to stop talking about it. Talking about it means she has to be very careful that you do not catch any discrepancies in her story and she doesn't want to keep thinking about what she did to you. Cheaters= selfish.

Get the book and I'd also highly suggest you stop worrying about her thoughts, feelings on the situation and start looking at what YOU feel, think, and need. Tell her you need some time and space for a few days until you get your plan in place. Do not pursue her in any way. Focus only on yourself. Stick to the facts- you don't need to hear that she didn't love him, it was only sex, etc. The facts are she betrayed you by having sex with another man. She broke her vows to you. What do you need for yourself now?
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post #55 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Cheaters trickle-truth, so your concern that you're not getting the full story is more than likely warranted. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. He helps couples recover from affairs and has had great success with a concrete plan to move forward, or at least to get the full story to decide if you WANT to move forward. It includes getting the full story from the WS, and likely going the polygraph route to make sure. Only then will you know what you're dealing with. As much as the poly route sounds like drama to me, I've read that WS trickled the truth all the way into the parking lot before the poly, only to come out with confessions that are far worse than what they led their BS to believe.

Of course she wants to stop talking about it. Talking about it means she has to be very careful that you do not catch any discrepancies in her story and she doesn't want to keep thinking about what she did to you. Cheaters= selfish.

Get the book and I'd also highly suggest you stop worrying about her thoughts, feelings on the situation and start looking at what YOU feel, think, and need. Tell her you need some time and space for a few days until you get your plan in place. Do not pursue her in any way. Focus only on yourself. Stick to the facts- you don't need to hear that she didn't love him, it was only sex, etc. The facts are she betrayed you by having sex with another man. She broke her vows to you. What do you need for yourself now?

Id be careful with the Dr Harley information. This is the same "expert" who tells men whose wives are actively cheating to "woo them back" and let it go on in front of them, rather than putting your foot down. If you were sitting in front of this Doctor while she was cheating, he would tell you to tell her how beautiful she wass as she went out the door to bang her boyfriend.

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post #56 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

First and foremost, YOUR WIFE IS A ***** AND A ****! Treat her as such! SECOND: Fire your MC, he or she is an anal sphincter.

GET MAD; YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT, YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED BY A *****!
Do the 180 and start making demands. Demand a polygraph, that is the only way that you can determine what is truth and what is not. Demand a timeline. Give her some consequences: Demand that she leave but remain celebate while separated. Talk to a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up.
Cut off all of her funds.

Right now she is cake-eating. There have been no real consequences to her actions. GIVE HER SOME. Have you exposed? Have you tossed her into the streets? Have you called the OM? Is he married? Have you contacted anyone?
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post #57 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:14 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Id be careful with the Dr Harley information. This is the same "expert" who tells men whose wives are actively cheating to "woo them back" and let it go on in front of them, rather than putting your foot down. If you were sitting in front of this Doctor while she was cheating, he would tell you to tell her how beautiful she wass as she went out the door to bang her boyfriend.
So true. I read it.
MC also told me to woo her because she will leave if you don't make her want to stay.
Wish I would never had done that.....
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post #58 of 273 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Wooing a wayward back is merely another name for doing the "Pick-me" dance. It does not work. I just got off the phone with a client whose "child bride" just went off the reservation. She has completely ghosted him. He is devastated, she abandoned him and her two sons. Apparently she was working in a restaurant, with a much younger staff around her, and decided that was the lifestyle she wanted. The pick-me dance, has both exhausted and injured my client. She is completely unrepentant and feels she owes it to herself to pursue a new life. He learned that wooing her back is never going to work. Now, we as in him, and myself as his financial representative and his lawyer are going to exact a pound of flesh from her.

He was trying to be a nice guy and asked her to lawyer up.

She does not see the need to.

She will.
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post #59 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 03:00 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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9) she still believes and feels that the guy was "true and honest, that the guy didn't just use her for sex" . - BUT she admitted that the guy didn't stay overnight or spent much time with her, didn't invite her for a decent date, didn't call or sent messages. just the usual "buddy" relationship.

10) she said she stopped the affair when the guy started comparing and complaining about his wife, and the affair was somewhat becoming "serious". - BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met."
9) She really believes a "true and honest ' guy would cheat on his wife, lying to her, for months?

10) If her expectations ( did she say what those were? ) WERE met, would she still be with him?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


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post #60 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 03:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

i didn't expect this kind of support from "total strangers"...I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS. i haven't told anybody that we're having this problem out of embarassment.

i'm sorry i forgot to tell the background and went straight-up in asking questions here. i'll try to make it as short as possible -

my wife's personality can be described as outgoing. she's friendly in general but she's more comfortable with the opposite sex as she was a "tomboy" during her younger years.

we were married and had a child at a young age. we're both 47 now. we have 3 children and the youngest is 4. i will admit i had a fling with another girl when we were still dating. i guess due to my young and immature age then, i handled that very badly. i somewhat "forced" her to accept it and move on. of course, i was sorry and tried my best to make-up for my offense.

i'll describe our marriage as "normal" - not great as a fairytale, but not that bad as hell. disagreements, finances, in-laws, children, etc.

i have a small business that's doing fine, and she works as a sales executive for a company. she makes more money than me. her job requires her to go out with clients for sales presentations. and yes, her job also requires her to do some travels.

it's during one of these sales calls that she met the other guy - a hotel front desk officer. she describes him as a playful and attentive, and they hit it off immediately because they have similar personalities.

at first, she found him good-looking but treated him as one of the guys. greetings and smiles turned into short conversations, then progressed to lengthy talks about work, children, etc. lots of laughters and fun.

my wife says she knew the guy for almost a year before it turned into full-blown affair. everytime she travelled to that place, he was always there giving her "special treatment" - assisting with her needs, assigning the best room available, and even bringing her coffee and donuts. she felt they became "close".

she said that she began thinking about him, fantasizing about having sex with him a few months prior to their first sex encounter. she said she didn't feel it's wrong because those were "just fantasies" anyway. and they were just good friends. no guilt.

in one of her trips to that place, we had a fight before she went away. it was during that time that the guy came with her up to her room to carry her packages. she let him in so they could hang-out a little. he was "just a friend" anyway. it was this instance that they found themselves making-out, but no sex. but before leaving, the guy asked her if he could see her the next day - early in the morning. she said she knew what his intention was and what will happen, but she said yes anyway. they had sex for the first time.

sex happened 4-5 times for the next 4 or 6 months that she went there. she arranged her schedules so she can make sales calls to that area. in was during this period i noticed changes in her - conscious with her weight and appearance, different wardrobe (sexier), attitude, no sex with me, indifference, shaving "down under" with different styles, etc.

it was almost a year "after they stopped" before i saw a picture of them together and some old sms from the guy . that's when i started asking her about it. it took almost 3 years for her to finally admit about the affair.

her early reply as to why she did it - 1) if i hadn't fought with her during that night, she wouldn't have done it, i was the cause she had an affair 2) she wanted to find herself 3) she was tired of our marriage and she felt deserves to find happiness for herself as long as she wasn't neglecting her duties to her family 4) everybody was doing it, so she can tell her friends she also have a "side dish", and she thought i'll never find out 5) she wanted to validate herself 6) she wants to get back at me 7)etc, etc, etc....

one of her reasons for stopping is because "nothing good was coming out of it" - during the affair, her feeling of sadness and depression persisted. she was bitten by guilt. all she felt was "temporary escape" during the affair. she somewhat thought that the affair can solve her internal issues. but despite having sex with him many times, nothing really changed. she also said that she realized instead of pursuing a new relationship, she should be giving her energy in improving her own marriage.

guys, pardon me if my narrative seems to be short. i'm very tired. just last night we had another argument to which she shouted "...if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have had an affair!...if you hadn't neglected your wife, i wouldn't have fallen into someone elses arms!...you are the biggest reason for my affair!..."

what is this guys? --- did i really play a part as to the cause of her affair? did i misread her and our marriage all those years?

i feel i'm just about to snap and just walk away as some of you suggest.

LosingHIM, thank you for your indulgence. somehow your reply enlightened me.

many, many thanks to all of you....

Last edited by sancheharri; 04-01-2017 at 03:29 AM.
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