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post #76 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 10:49 AM
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lingering questions in my mind

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post #77 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Most mid to higher end hotels only staff attractive, friendly outgoing people at the front desk. It is intentional to help bring back the repeat business customers.
Good business model but unfortunately the OM decided to turn the hotel into a brothel.
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post #78 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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guys, pardon me if my narrative seems to be short. i'm very tired. just last night we had another argument to which she shouted "...if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have had an affair!...if you hadn't neglected your wife, i wouldn't have fallen into someone elses arms!...you are the biggest reason for my affair!..."
This one lone statement at this point should get you to realize it's divorce time. You were not responsible for her affair and she will accept no accountability. Do you really want to go thru the rest of your life trying to keep her happy? It's impossible. Your wife wants and craves attention, no matter how much you give she will want more. It's part of why the "pick me" dance never works, the craving for attention is like a bottomless pit, the more they get the more they crave.

This is a problem with her. Even if you work at repairing this now in a year or two she will get bored, seek attention and your right back to square one. She believes she is without fault and can do no wrong, your not going to convince her otherwise and she's gonna go thru life with that attitude.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #79 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

You cannot reconcile with this woman in this state.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #80 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 09:15 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

You need to DNA the 4 year old. According to what you believe is the time line, she was having a sexual affair with a baby that was a few months at home. That's a nasty woman. The more you reveal, the nastier she seems.

Her supposedly only having sex with him 5 times is such a lie. Along with her saying she had no feelings for him. If that were so, why did she cut you off and do everything possible to up her sexiness for him. Because she was hoping to get him to leave his wife for her, hence why she felt it was not going anywhere.

Sounds like she wants to rug sweep and is indifferent to your pain. But you have to know what it is you're actually forgiving. Not sure if it matters to you. Does it make difference if you learn she did not 5 times but 50 times? Would it matter for you to learn she was swallowing and having anal? I ask because it is a common concern of most BHs.

These things may not matter to you. But if it is a concern, you should insist she include all in a time line and insist on a poly based on the time line. Also include a question if there have been other affairs.
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post #81 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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yes, 4-year old boy. he was born before the affair, if i am to believe her story.
Your wife has lied to you for many years about the affair, thus you have no idea when the affair really began. What you do know is that she may have known her affair partner before she got pregnant, may have started the affair before she got pregnant, and that it is likely that she would lie to you if the 4-year old was her affair partner's child.
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post #82 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 01:23 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

I have some experience with cheating girlfriends and spouses from both side of the coin. No one is going to tell their spouse the truth as it will not help at all. It will only make it worse, so they minimize the affair. Do you think she will tell you that she had the best sex of her life and wanted to do things with him that she never wanted to do to you. She is not going to tell you that she loved him which is why she kept on seeing him or that when with him, she never thought about you. She is going to tell you alternate facts to minimize the blow back from you. Never trust a cheater. I know from being one and having been cheated on. They will always lie to save the marriage and make you believe that it meant nothing to her even though she kept running back to his arms. Many cheating spouses want to tell their spouses that they cheated but that is not a good idea. It is just the cheater wanting to feel good by making their spouse feel bad. Very selfish and not the best course of action. Same applies here. The cheater is not going to make themselves feel good by telling you the whole truth, because it just makes a bad situation worse. Unless they hate you.

The problem is that now the trust is lost and that takes a very long time to regain. Even then, it will never be the same as it was before the affair. You will not trust her when she is not with you, goes shopping for 4 hours, has to work late or is away on a business trip where you never can find out what she did. You will always have a knot in your stomach anytime she is not reachable or deviates from her normal routine. That is why I left my cheating fiancee and next girlfriend. I assure you that her cheating will be thrown in her face by you every time you have a fight. This is straight out of marriage counsellor articles. They advise the cheater to expect that their spouse will question them and bring it up for a long time until the hurt goes away. She will have to take it or leave you.

I have always followed the psychological truth that a person's past behavior is a very could indicator of their future behavior. I know a few married women and men who got caught, and instead of stopping, just got better at hiding it. The sex with another person does not bother me. The lying does because an admitted liar is asking you to believe her story and promise not to cheat again. A promise by someone who is a proven liar and not worthy of your trust, is almost worthless.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.

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post #83 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:51 AM
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post #84 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

i just had a long, deep sleep. it's been a while since i had a good rest. geez, i'd prefer not to wake-up anymore.

i discovered the affair when i saw a picture of them together and some sms from the guy on her smartfone (the admission came much later). i believe he's hotel staff because he's in uniform.

i already tried calling the hotel management a few months back, but they're not interested in assisting nor helping me. they told me to go in personally and file a formal complaint (it's in france, for pete's sake!). i guess those f*ckers tolerate such behaviours from their staff.

sorry guys if i seem to be incoherent, my mind is really messed-up.

yes, i suspect that's what it means when she said "...nothing good is coming out of the affair, and the expectations were not met..." - she fantasized about them living together. after repeatedly letting the guy use her for senseless sex, she was treated the same - as a friend or buddy. she was expecting the guy to fall in love and run away with her. i already asked her point-blank if she was in love with the guy, but she adamantly insist that "...she cannot admit to something she didn't feel during the affair..." . she even said that it was actually the guy who was "getting serious" by being over-protective and acting like a real boyfriend whenever they're alone together, and comparing her to his wife...it's really confusing - the guy is already "getting serious", and yet she says "nothing good was coming out of it...her expectations were not met..." ???

about the kid, i cannot comment on that yet. it didn't enter my mind. i've grown to love "my son" as my own. you got me speechless for a moment with that thought. gosh, what the hell is this mess!?

yes, that's one of the biggest reasons i'm having nightmares - i somehow want to find a way to fix the situation for the sake of the kid, but i know in my heart that i'll never trust her again.

i can't understand myself as to why i want to have answers even though at the back of my mind i'll never find the whole truth. i just want to drop it, but it keeps on bugging me all the time. i cannot have peace of mind if those questions are left hanging. perhaps i want to know how deeply (emotionally and physically) involved my wife is??? i know her answers are suspicious because of conflicting statements and she's a confirmed liar. that's why i guess i'm just willing to settle for rational opinions from complete strangers for there lingering questions in my mind.

oh yes, she also said one time that "she also really got hurt" with what happened...perhaps with what she has done to herself, to us...or perhaps she got hurt the affair didn't work-out after she sacrificed everything for him. i don't know...what do you think??
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post #85 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:42 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

You don't need to know what people think. You need to know what YOU think, and then ACT.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #86 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:49 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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i just had a long, deep sleep. it's been a while since i had a good rest. geez, i'd prefer not to wake-up anymore.

i discovered the affair when i saw a picture of them together and some sms from the guy on her smartfone (the admission came much later). i believe he's hotel staff because he's in uniform.

i already tried calling the hotel management a few months back, but they're not interested in assisting nor helping me. they told me to go in personally and file a formal complaint (it's in france, for pete's sake!). i guess those f*ckers tolerate such behaviours from their staff.

sorry guys if i seem to be incoherent, my mind is really messed-up.

yes, i suspect that's what it means when she said "...nothing good is coming out of the affair, and the expectations were not met..." - she fantasized about them living together. after repeatedly letting the guy use her for senseless sex, she was treated the same - as a friend or buddy. she was expecting the guy to fall in love and run away with her. i already asked her point-blank if she was in love with the guy, but she adamantly insist that "...she cannot admit to something she didn't feel during the affair..." . she even said that it was actually the guy who was "getting serious" by being over-protective and acting like a real boyfriend whenever they're alone together, and comparing her to his wife...it's really confusing - the guy is already "getting serious", and yet she says "nothing good was coming out of it...her expectations were not met..." ???

about the kid, i cannot comment on that yet. it didn't enter my mind. i've grown to love "my son" as my own. you got me speechless for a moment with that thought. gosh, what the hell is this mess!?

yes, that's one of the biggest reasons i'm having nightmares - i somehow want to find a way to fix the situation for the sake of the kid, but i know in my heart that i'll never trust her again.

i can't understand myself as to why i want to have answers even though at the back of my mind i'll never find the whole truth. i just want to drop it, but it keeps on bugging me all the time. i cannot have peace of mind if those questions are left hanging. perhaps i want to know how deeply (emotionally and physically) involved my wife is??? i know her answers are suspicious because of conflicting statements and she's a confirmed liar. that's why i guess i'm just willing to settle for rational opinions from complete strangers for there lingering questions in my mind.

oh yes, she also said one time that "she also really got hurt" with what happened...perhaps with what she has done to herself, to us...or perhaps she got hurt the affair didn't work-out after she sacrificed everything for him. i don't know...what do you think??
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life,with a liar and a cheat and not wanting to wake up in the morning.For your own peace of mind you need to separate from your wife at least for a while,if she won't leave then you may have to.Stop carrying on this pretence in front of friends and family that everything is fine,tell your family what happened and that you are contemplating divorce.For your own peace of mind I would do the DNA test on your son,let your wife know you are doing it and her reaction should be very telling.If she tries to stop you then she is not one hundred percent certain that the child is yours.Even if she tells you to go ahead the thought that you are having doubts should waken her up to how much damage she has done to you and your marriage.
Is she still traveling for work and how can you be sure the affair is over or even if it is the first one she has had.She is manipulating you and you are enabling her,she is only concerned with herself and if she finds a better affair partner next time she will leave you for him.
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post #87 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:56 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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OP, any chance your wife is lying and that the OM is a current coworker?

How did you find out the cheating?


This is a big reason why exposure is critical, right now his only source of info is a person he knows is lying.

Also DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU ARE CALLING

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post #88 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:29 AM
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post #89 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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iyes, i suspect that's what it means when she said "...nothing good is coming out of the affair, and the expectations were not met..." - she fantasized about them living together. after repeatedly letting the guy use her for senseless sex, she was treated the same - as a friend or buddy. she was expecting the guy to fall in love and run away with her. i already asked her point-blank if she was in love with the guy, but she adamantly insist that "...she cannot admit to something she didn't feel during the affair..." . she even said that it was actually the guy who was "getting serious" by being over-protective and acting like a real boyfriend whenever they're alone together, and comparing her to his wife...it's really confusing - the guy is already "getting serious", and yet she says "nothing good was coming out of it...her expectations were not met..." ???


oh yes, she also said one time that "she also really got hurt" with what happened...perhaps with what she has done to herself, to us...or perhaps she got hurt the affair didn't work-out after she sacrificed everything for him. i don't know...what do you think??

She wouldn't have fantasied about him if there weren't feelings for him, not just lust.

And she wouldn't have been hurt either.

She's contradicting her own lies , with other lies.

You'll never get a straight answer, the truth, or remorse from her.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #90 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Your apathy has me shaking my head in disbelief. Are you truly not willing to stand up for yourself? It seems like you feel you have no options and you can do is shrug you're shoulders and take another bit of an excrement sandwich.

The more you reveal the more sure I am that she wanted to dump you and run off with this guy. With a newborn at home it is not normal for a wife to engage in a sexual PA, unless is was going on BEFORE and during the pregnancy. That would point to her believing the baby might have been his. He was even becoming protective of her, which points to him thinking she had his baby.

You better DNA the kid. It's for piece of mind. I would do it in front of her so she can see how her betrayal has caused you to question everything.

It is only that he, like most men, wasn't willing to divorce his wife and leave his kid(s) to take a chance with an adulterous woman. Very bad odds. But if he would have been one of those irrational men that follows his feelings like a woman, there's no doubt that she would be in his bed now.

With your wife traveling for work, you need to find out if there have been other affairs. Traveling extroverts of both sexes are HIGHLY likely to engage in affairs, especially ONS.
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