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post #91 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

It sounds like a sexual affair. It doesn't sound like an emotional affair too much. Problems probably lie in the bedroom.

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post #92 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

guys, i hope you'll have to patience to engage me here even though i sound just ranting like a headless chicken. i have nobody to talk to, yet, so i'm here asking and pouring out my anguish. i'm not ready to involve other people in this mess. i want to tell my family and hers about this, soon. i want to untangle my mind first before going on the offensive.

i find it strange finding some comfort with complete strangers. i guess the anonimity in these forums helps to alleviate the embarassment.

i'm taking in all your suggestions, especially the DNA test. i'm starting to feel sorry for the kid. it's heartbreaking...but i agree, it has to be done.

i recall now that i told her i'm calling the hotel management to report this behaviour, but she only said she doesn't care because she doesn't care about him at all. strange, because when i challenged her to apologize to his wife - she made the excuse of not wanting the guy to think that he still matters to us years after the affair ended. i'm guessing she wants to appear to be tough or "cool" to him about their affair...that she already has forgotten about him.

yes, i suspect there are other transgressions i don't know yet. but i don't know where to look for evidence. she has most probably erased all other traces, if there are other cheating incidents.

i already told her to quit her job, but she refused. that's what her parents told her a long time ago - never quit her job(no matter what) so she can stand-up for herself and not rely on anybody else.

i observed she's acting "normal", i mean she's acting (pretending?) like nothing terrible happened. she's avoiding confrontations?

i'm sorry guys for my piecemeal story. memories come and go at this point. a lot of things has happened. a lot of arguments, shouting, etc. my brain is just like a warzone right now.

guys - IS MY WIFE A HOPELESS CASE?... can this marriage be redeemed?

i'm aware now that i have become a "fall-back guy" because the affair didn't work-out. her affair was a lot more serious and has deeper meaning for her than she wants me to believe. a lot of you say divorce now, but my biggest concern is about the kid. it's not that i'm findig excuses to stay, but why make the kid suffer for his parents' misdeeds?...he's innocent in all of this.
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post #93 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by smi11ie View Post
It sounds like a sexual affair. It doesn't sound like an emotional affair too much. Problems probably lie in the bedroom.
smi11ie, can you kindly elaborate as to why you think it's purely physical and didn't involve too much emotions as she always insist? TIA.
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post #94 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

There are two main reasons to DNA your child.

1) It tells your wife just how deeply she has damaged your ability to trust her. It shows her you do not believe anything she says unless there is solid proof of it. Thus she loses her confidence in being able to successfully lie to you. She should become more willing to be fully honest with you. Basically this is part of Shock and Awe, where you are trying to impress on her that her fantasy of you just ignoring everything is not going to happen.

2) Determine the true paternity of the child. If he is yours, perfect! If he is not, there may be legal ramifications. If you divorce, you may or may not be required to pay child support. The true father may be required to pay support. False paternity may be helpful in your divorce settlement. As mentioned by someone else, your child deserves to know his paternity for medical history reasons alone.

Neither of those 2 reasons would change your love for him nor your desire to remain his Dad. I am a big believer in true facts being the basis of a correct outcome. Better to know the truth and go from there rather than live in uncertainty and falsehood.
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post #95 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
guys - IS MY WIFE A HOPELESS CASE?... can this marriage be redeemed?
Imho, at this time yes she is. She is not doing what needs to be done to restore your ability to trust her. Once that process is well under way, the next thing is to rebuild a new healthy marriage with her. She has to own what she did. She has to understand why she did it and what it is in her which lets her do things which are so harmful to you and to her son. She has to be able to explain all of this to you. She has to come to hate what she did for the reason it was so harmful to you.

Without a major course change, nothing is going to change.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
i'm aware now that i have become a "fall-back guy" because the affair didn't work-out. her affair was a lot more serious and has deeper meaning for her than she wants me to believe. a lot of you say divorce now, but my biggest concern is about the kid. it's not that i'm findig excuses to stay, but why make the kid suffer for his parents' misdeeds?...he's innocent in all of this.
He will be harmed by this affair. Whether you stay together or get divorced, he will be harmed. You staying with her in a bad marriage is not healthy for the child. He will learn about relationships by watching you as he grows up. In a bad marriage he will see dysfunctional behaviors, which he will then do when he is an adult. If you divorce, he can observe you and his mother working cooperatively as parents even though you are not together. Hopefully you will have a new healthy relationship with a woman, perhaps even marry her, which your son will observe. You will then model a healthy way to have a relationship, which your son can learn from.

Ideally your son grows up in a healthy happy home with both parents. At this point in time that option is not happening.
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post #96 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
guys, i hope you'll have to patience to engage me here even though i sound just ranting like a headless chicken. i have nobody to talk to, yet, so i'm here asking and pouring out my anguish. i'm not ready to involve other people in this mess. i want to tell my family and hers about this, soon. i want to untangle my mind first before going on the offensive.

i find it strange finding some comfort with complete strangers. i guess the anonimity in these forums helps to alleviate the embarassment.

i'm taking in all your suggestions, especially the DNA test. i'm starting to feel sorry for the kid. it's heartbreaking...but i agree, it has to be done.

i recall now that i told her i'm calling the hotel management to report this behaviour, but she only said she doesn't care because she doesn't care about him at all. strange, because when i challenged her to apologize to his wife - she made the excuse of not wanting the guy to think that he still matters to us years after the affair ended. i'm guessing she wants to appear to be tough or "cool" to him about their affair...that she already has forgotten about him.

yes, i suspect there are other transgressions i don't know yet. but i don't know where to look for evidence. she has most probably erased all other traces, if there are other cheating incidents.

i already told her to quit her job, but she refused. that's what her parents told her a long time ago - never quit her job(no matter what) so she can stand-up for herself and not rely on anybody else.

i observed she's acting "normal", i mean she's acting (pretending?) like nothing terrible happened. she's avoiding confrontations?

i'm sorry guys for my piecemeal story. memories come and go at this point. a lot of things has happened. a lot of arguments, shouting, etc. my brain is just like a warzone right now.

guys - IS MY WIFE A HOPELESS CASE?... can this marriage be redeemed?

i'm aware now that i have become a "fall-back guy" because the affair didn't work-out. her affair was a lot more serious and has deeper meaning for her than she wants me to believe. a lot of you say divorce now, but my biggest concern is about the kid. it's not that i'm findig excuses to stay, but why make the kid suffer for his parents' misdeeds?...he's innocent in all of this.
She is still protecting the OM and almost every spin on the story she has told you is probably a lie. She most likely got dumped by him If dumped at all. If he still works at hotel, it's probably still going on. In general terms women don't have affairs without emotions in play, a random ONS is a different matter but not when it comes to an affair.

She is telling you what she thinks you want to hear, not the truth and not what she thinks. Your getting played.

You also need to quit tying everything to her, your wife had an affair, she has lied for years about it. She is trying to rugsweep, minimize it and not help you heal and is more concerned about protecting herself and her affair partner. At this point you need to start healing yourself, without her as she won't help.

This is part of the crap sandwich every BS has to eat, your NEVER going to get the answers you want. It's always leads to more questions and then more questions. Your wife had an affair and she continues to lie about it. What are you trying to save? She is trying to save nothing.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #97 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
...i mentioned to her going through a lie-detector test, but she insists on just moving on and try to start over rebuilding.
Golly, what a surprise. A LIAR doesn't want to be subjected to a polygraph. How unusual.

Quote:
She pleads that she's remorseful and she's dealing with it herself - the remorse, shame, guilt, etc.
Yeah, she's got tons of THAT.

I need to point out some ugly truths to you (since you're not getting any truth from this liar). This guy was probably not her first rodeo. That's another reason she doesn't want to be hooked up to a poly because often times, a betrayed spouse will have the examiner ask if the cheater has been with anyone ELSE besides the one you know about. In her case, I'd be willing to bet my right arm she has and she ain't about to let YOU find out about it. Let's face it - she's a remorseless LIAR who would have taken this secret with her to the GRAVE, lying to your face every single day for the rest of her life had you not uncovered the truth. So she's a MASTER liar who has no problem deceiving you. If she was able to cover this affair up so easily, how many more is she still hiding? I wouldn't believe a thing out of her mouth..

Secondly, I find it amazing that she's suddenly filled with all this 'guilt, remorse and shame' only after she was caught. All during her affair and the two years the liar managed to successfully HIDE this from you - where was all this 'guilt, remorse and shame' then? She sure didn't have it before or she would have confessed to you what she'd done. That's what TRUE remorse is - it drives you to be honest enough to take your lumps because the emotional health of your betrayed spouse TRUMPS your own selfish desire to save your own hide.

I don't recall you mentioning her doing this at all, coming to you and confessing - even though she claims to be OH SO remorseful. What a liar.

Add on the fact that she was NEVER going to tell you at all, and that completely belies her utter bull**** claim of having all this shame, remorse and guilt. What a crock of steaming manure that is. If she were capable of feeling guilt, remorse or shame, she wouldn't have been able to so successfully DECEIVE you for years without so much as batting an eye.

If you choose to reconcile with this liar, be prepared to deal with more cheating in the future. Take that to the bank. Remorseless cheaters just cheat again and again. She has absolutely ZERO regard for your feelings and is ALL about covering her own pitiful hide.
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post #98 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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She is remorseless. She, maybe, feels bad about being caught. When she says she is working on it herself and just wants you to move on, she is showing zero empathy and zero concern for you. Heartless is what she is.
I can't take credit for this but here goes

Saying I'm sorry is meaninless It has zero value

The best apoligy is better behaviour

Remorse is I'm sorry I broke your window I will pay to fix it or better yet replace it
with my own two hands.

Very easy to get the distinction

55

Endeavor to persevere for your love and happiness

Give up on yourself and others will follow
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post #99 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Your wife isn't a hopeless case but you are.She has spelled it out for you that you are a poor second choice and if things had worked out with the other man or men you would have got the door.I think someone threatened to expose her and that's why she owned up.She doesn't give a **** about you or your marriage and you need to take off the blinkers and accept that.
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post #100 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Sancheharri

Is your wife a lost case? No, but the question you need to ask yourself is, is she capable of reconciliation? At this time I would definitely say no. Your wife has not accepted anything about her affair. The affair is hers to own one hundred percent, you have no fault in the affair UNLESS, she discussed having sex with a hotel clerk with you. I suspect she did not, which leaves the fault squarely on her. As for blaming you, you own half of the marriage problems, that you need to work on. When I told you to argue with her and then walk out telling her you are going out to get laid shows how stupid her comment is that your fight with her made her chest.

Cheating is a choice, your wife nor the OM fell on each other and there privates become joined. No, she made an active choice to betray you using infidelity. If she says it just happened that's a crock of **** too. She told you she planned to keep going to this hotel. The only positive I see in her now is that she ended the affair on her own accord. Well, if it has indeed stopped.

As for your head clearing, you don't get much time here, your response is critical to the outcome of your marriage. Find a good friend of yours, confide in them, then get your head out of your ass. At the moment you are in shock, I get that, I was there, but you need to firmly choose a course for you. Reconciliation, now isn't an option because of where your wife is at. She is not remorseful, if she were remorseful she wouldn't ever even think you drove her to do it much less verbalized that horse **** statement. Find your anger, let it drive you forward, but do not let her bully you with words.

Get to a lawyer, file the divorce papers, lost adultery and I'm as the cause. Have her served at work. Call her parents and tell them, then tell yours. That's all the exposure you will need to do at the moment. You can also use exposure later for leverage such as at her employer. If you do decide to expose to her employer, do it after the divorce is final.

Whatever you choose, and divorce is the only option SHE has left you go ahead at full speed. You can always stop it if you choose to. The biggest thing you have to accept is your marriage died the moment her affair began. If you really want this marriage, then you need to want to lose it also. That's the only way forward you have.

Many of us who first came here were just as lost as you or worse. Yes, writing it out can be cathartic, but you need to put an action forward also. Trust me I cried, I didn't feel like a man, I was humiliated, I was destroyed, I was devastated, but you got to get back on one knee now. Yes I got dropped again finding out the paternity of my boys, but again I got to one knee then I stood again. If you don't know my story, my wife cheated for six months, work place affair, and the boys we have are a product of her affair. But the boys are mine, I am their father. The point is sancheharri, you need to begin taking actions now, not later, not when your head clears. Your head isn't going to begin to clear until you start taking actions.

Get her attention, move her **** from the bedroom to a different room. Tell her the marital bed is for those who keep their vows and own their ****. Stop talking to her, do the 180, stand up and begin to fight the bully.


Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #101 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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it's during one of these sales calls that she met the other guy - a hotel front desk officer. she describes him as a playful and attentive, and they hit it off immediately because they have similar personalities.

at first, she found him good-looking but treated him as one of the guys. greetings and smiles turned into short conversations, then progressed to lengthy talks about work, children, etc. lots of laughters and fun.

my wife says she knew the guy for almost a year before it turned into full-blown affair. everytime she travelled to that place, he was always there giving her "special treatment" - assisting with her needs, assigning the best room available, and even bringing her coffee and donuts. she felt they became "close".

she said that she began thinking about him, fantasizing about having sex with him a few months prior to their first sex encounter. she said she didn't feel it's wrong because those were "just fantasies" anyway. and they were just good friends. no guilt.

in one of her trips to that place, we had a fight before she went away. it was during that time that the guy came with her up to her room to carry her packages. she let him in so they could hang-out a little. he was "just a friend" anyway. it was this instance that they found themselves making-out, but no sex. but before leaving, the guy asked her if he could see her the next day - early in the morning. she said she knew what his intention was and what will happen, but she said yes anyway. they had sex for the first time.

sex happened 4-5 times for the next 4 or 6 months that she went there. she arranged her schedules so she can make sales calls to that area. in was during this period i noticed changes in her - conscious with her weight and appearance, different wardrobe (sexier), attitude, no sex with me, indifference, shaving "down under" with different styles, etc.

it was almost a year "after they stopped" before i saw a picture of them together and some old sms from the guy . that's when i started asking her about it. it took almost 3 years for her to finally admit about the affair.

her early reply as to why she did it - 1) if i hadn't fought with her during that night, she wouldn't have done it, i was the cause she had an affair 2) she wanted to find herself 3) she was tired of our marriage and she felt deserves to find happiness for herself as long as she wasn't neglecting her duties to her family 4) everybody was doing it, so she can tell her friends she also have a "side dish", and she thought i'll never find out 5) she wanted to validate herself 6) she wants to get back at me 7)etc, etc, ...
So EVERYTHING here is complete bull****. The affair is 100% her fault. Nothing to do with you. Yes maybe the marriage could have been better so that is on both of you but the affair is all on her. Issues in the marriage didn't cause YOU to cheat, did it? The affair stopped because he probably dumped her.
All of her excuses are crap. She did it because she is selfish and wanted to. Also her "everyone is doing it" makes me think she discussed this with friends who probably supported this and you need to find out WHO they are and they need to be gone from her life.

You need to read more stories here about cheating wives and the ONLY ones that seem to resolve well are if you play hardball and go for the divorce. You can always stop it at some point if you want to R. You will not find out the truths you want workout putting on the pressure.

Last edited by jlg07; 04-02-2017 at 04:49 PM.
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post #102 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

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from what i see, i don't think and feel that she has changed fundamentally. i mean, she said it herself in one of our numerous arguments "...i am still the same person when you met me, i just made a mistake...you knew me way before that i have many male friends...this is who i am..." . she probably regrets and sorry for having the affair, she seems to be trying to make-up for that "mistake", but basically, she is still indeed the same person - outgoing and friendly to all her friends (men and women). when i see her with her friends, she behaves as if her marriage is not in serious trouble. geez, i'm not sure if i'm making sense here, guys. sorry...

Nope sure wasn't. It was a conscious decision on her part over and over

yes, 4-year old boy. he was born before the affair, if i am to believe her story.

DNA the child you just don't know.

yeah, when she shouted that to me, it really hurt. she got me on that one i almost punched her mouth! i just walked-out to cool-off because it's embarassing to our two grown-up sons - their parents spilling their guts for everybody to hear.
Your wife does as she pleases and as long as you stay in the Mr Nice guy mode you're gonna get what you've been getting.

Your actions or rather your inactions tell her this. She knows you and is playing you.

Talking, talking more talking and you got what?

Read up pal you need to apply this. It's a short read.
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

It's a short read. You can't fix or change your wife. The affair is 100% on her how you are handling this is on you.

Helping hide their affair as you're doing just makes you an accomplice. Perhaps the other mans wife could have more info. You just do some detective work online and find her number, Facebook profile, work etc. you call her up and tell her without warning. if you say anything to your wife they'll conspire against you. You may be surprised at what you learn.

Why are you so afraid? You seem paralyzed with fear. Does your wife have so much control over you? Do you value yourself so little?

Why?
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post #103 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

Don't project your feelings of love, etc on your wife. Obviously she doesn't feel the same about you as you do her. This is a typical trap.

Advice is worthless unless you apply it.

You need to wake the hell up.
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post #104 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

OP needs to get angry. Very angry.

He's not even close.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #105 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: lingering questions in my mind

It's clear that she has no respect for you and takes you for granted. Like others have said, it's because you've just been too nice and accommodating. This is sort of a vicious cycle. The more you forgave her affair, the less she respected you. Her attraction and interest in you diminished as a result, and she no longer has a desire to win you back. In turn, you accommodate more, hoping to draw her closer. It just doesn't work that way.

Whether you decide to stay or go, the respect issue needs to be fixed. If she hasn't woken up by now, it's time to indeed file for divorce and let her witness the DNA test.
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