lingering questions in my mind - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 521Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #121 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:39 AM
Member
 
eric1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 923
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
This is a ridiculous reason to DNA his child.

So what if he's at "greater risk" for getting a particular disease. Is he supposed to do things differently if there's a 1/100 chance of getting Huntingtons disease or Tay Sach's disease because it's a genetic disease with a small but not insignificant inheritance rate?
My cousin has Huntington's and I consider you crapping all over the disease a real insult.


Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
What about all the adopted kids where they know nothing about the parents?
Adoptions come with medical records in most cases


----
eric1 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #122 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:54 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 27
Re: lingering questions in my mind

I agree with Emerging Buddhist. Take a moment to yourself and decide what you need. State your demands firmly with as much warmth as you can muster. Do not have a conversation about it. State your requirements then let her chew on it. Patience is a virtue....start jogging or something.
smi11ie is offline  
post #123 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:57 AM
Member
 
LosingHim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Nowhere near where it's sunny enough to make me happy
Posts: 329
Re: lingering questions in my mind

OP - which cheater do you think you have a better chance of believing/reconciling with/ moving forward with in any way?

Cheater One:

Gives BS all passwords to all social media, phone, email
Gives BS full access to cell phone and any other electronic devices including work phones, ipads, laptops., etc.
Removes a large number of opposite sex friends on all social media, only keeping members of the opposite sex who are family, friends of the marriage, etc.
Cuts contact with “friends” who knew of the affair
Doesn’t do Boys Night Out/Girls Night Out anymore
Writes No Contact letter to AP without being asked to
Informs you when they accidentally run into AP in public and/or sends you screen shots after AP has contacted them without you having to ask for them
Tells you they will give you a divorce if it is what you need, even though it is killing them to lose you, because they understand that they caused this and there’s nothing they can do about it
Cries often about the pain they caused, asks you often how they can fix it, apologizes often
Reads and researches how to help you heal
Seeks counseling to try to determine why they did what they did
Allows you or encourages you to GPS their car or put an app such as Find my iPhone on their phone so that you can check their whereabouts if you feel like it
They go where they say they are going to go and nowhere else, they come home when they say they will be home, they keep themselves accessible on their phones so that you can reach them at any time
They may become depressed or suicidal when the realization of how much what they did hurt you hits them
They answer any and all questions openly, honestly and without hesitation, no matter how hard the questions are to answer
They accept full responsibility for the affair (AKA owning their sh*t) and they do not blame the BS in ANY way – other marriage problems are separate from infidelity
They understand and accept that since they were unfaithful, reconciliation is a GIFT and the marriage can still end at any time, even years later because of the infidelity
Should you choose to separate/divorce – they go into it knowing that this is not a standard separation/divorce and don’t “go for the jugular”, possibly try to waive child support or alimony if possible
If affair was in the work place or work place related, either offers to quit job or does not bristle at being asked to quit job


Cheater Two:

Keeps a passcode on their phone, refuses to give passwords or pin codes to phone or social media
No access to other electronics, work phones, ipads, etc
Gets angry when monitored
Defensive when asked questions about the affair
Lies and trickle truth
Refuses to send No Contact
Still enjoys girls night or guys night, social life does not change and if asked about it asserts that they are a “grown up” who can spend their time as they choose
Continues to engage inappropriately on social media, ‘liking’ pictures of the opposite sex that are questionable, keeping connections with single people of the opposite sex, etc.
Refuses to discuss the affair
Never apologizes and if they do it seems empty
Blames you for the affair
Ignores the affair and acts like everything is normal
Gets angry when you bring up the affair, telling you to “get over it” or that “the past is the past” and you need to “move on”

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
LosingHim is offline  
 
post #124 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:26 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
My cousin has Huntington's and I consider you crapping all over the disease a real insult.
My grandmother had Huntingtons which is why I used it as an example.

As you probably also know Huntingtons is autosomal dominent so once it skips a generation it's gone, and it's not preventable so knowing you might be at risk is of no benefit, it's not like you're going to live life any differently and you never know if the condition will be only mild tremors or full blown neurological impairment.
stixx is offline  
post #125 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:59 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,825
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
just last night we had another argument to which she shouted "...if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have had an affair!...if you hadn't neglected your wife, i wouldn't have fallen into someone elses arms!...you are the biggest reason for my affair!..."

what is this guys? ---
This is complete and utter bull**** is what this is. You need to kick her sorry ass out of the house NOW. She isn't the LEAST BIT remorseful!!!

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #126 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:03 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,825
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
As far as the Op goes- it's not your "fault" she had an affair but yes you are partially responsible for the problems in the marriage that led up to it, if you ignored the signs that she was being neglected and her needs weren't being met.
DO NOT listen to this. This is also bull****. You are NOT to blame for her cheating. And right now isn't the time to worry about your marriage either. Right now you need to figure out if she's worth R, and right now she isn't.

Once the dust settles and you're ready to do some work, take a look at your contributions to the state of the marriage and work on that - but DO NOT do it in the context of it leading to her cheating. Because SHE CHOSE to cheat. That is 100% ON HER. Not on you. You were in the exact same marriage and you didn't screw around.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #127 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:06 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,825
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by honcho View Post
If you wanna wait and ride the pain train till your brain "rewires" itself go ahead or you can start taking control of your life and dealing with the pain and ending it much quicker.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #128 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:29 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,169
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post

and there's this article i've read somewhere that suggests all these pain and mental torture is caused by our brain being "re-wired". re-wired in the sense that our brain have been wired and used to the "old truth" that our spouses are good people. then all of a sudden here comes a "new reality" that our spouses are different from what our brain used to know. our brain is now "re-booting or re-wiring" it's neurons to this new reality. and that is what's causing the pain. the author suggested to just ride it out, accept and absorb the pain as long as you can, and wait for your brain to adjust to this "new reality".
Huh?

Wherever that "somewhere" was where you read that article, never go there again.
BobSimmons is offline  
post #129 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 30
Re: lingering questions in my mind

I think I understand what you are really trying to find out with all of the questions you want answers to. You are trying to get her to tell you why she did this. All of us BH's want an answer to that question and it can torture us for years. It did for me and, sometimes, still does. But I have finally figured out a few things about this and I'll share them with you.

Is there any possible answer she could give you to the "why" question that would make you feel better about it? Like she could give you a reason(s) and you would think "yeah - I get it now!" and everything would be ok? Of course not yet we keep wondering what the answer really is. I think it's because we do not want to accept the real reason. The one staring us right in the face. She screwed this other guy for months because she loved the attention from him, the naughtiness of forbidden fruit was so delicious, and the sex was wonderful! It was fun and it felt good and she wanted it. I just described why your wife cheated - does it make you feel better? Can you accept this and keep living with her? Like it was just a "mistake"? Like you are somehow and in some way to blame for it?

You need to look at this realistically and, as others have suggested, search your feelings to decide just what you are willing to accept from a wife. This horror story is never going to go away and if you stay with her you don't have much chance to heal.

I've never read a post from a BH who divorced his WW that says he regrets it. Never.
theDrifter is offline  
post #130 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:46 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,250
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post


guys, pardon me if my narrative seems to be short. i'm very tired. just last night we had another argument to which she shouted "...if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have had an affair!...if you hadn't neglected your wife, i wouldn't have fallen into someone elses arms!...you are the biggest reason for my affair!..."

what is this guys? --- did i really play a part as to the cause of her affair? did i misread her and our marriage all those years?

As Hope said, this is crap.

But the fact that you even ask yourself the question should show you how manipulative she is. When ( if ) she ever gets to the point she accepts all responsibility , then she's remorseful.

As of now, not so much. Unrepentant, defiant, and just daring you to do something of substance.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
post #131 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 53
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by smi11ie View Post
"1) she says she didn't have any feelings with the guy, they treated each other as buddies during the affair. that's why she was able to let it go easily. she even told the guy it was just sex. - BUT she said she cuddled to him after having sex for the first time, and she felt "they bonded" when they had sex."

"6) she says she didn't care what the guy felt for her or what he thought of her.- BUT she said she had sex for validation and to feel attractive and sexy."

"BUT she admitted that the guy didn't stay overnight or spent much time with her, didn't invite her for a decent date, didn't call or sent messages. just the usual "buddy" relationship."


It does not look like an emotional affair to me. As soon as the AP started talking about his marraige she dumped him. I think she was in it just for the sex, however, the sex was dissappointing so she got fed up.

I would guess she has done this before. It was all too easy for her to not get emotionally invested. If it were her first affair I would have thought she would have more feelings for him.

I was silly to make assumptions about your sexlife. If she is a serial cheater (which is my suspicion) then she seems quite happy keeping you on the side. If you want to reconcile this is definitely in your favour. How do you feel about an open relationship? It would be great if you could have a frank, rip the band aid off, conversation with her.
i just got back from a short break with some friends, and it was one of the best i had in recent years. i think i'll do this more often, at least, just to keep my sanity.

you gave me a different perspective on this. i've also read so much about men and women having generally different approach with regards to sex. she keeps on insisting on the non-existent romantic feelings for the guy. too casual and too easy for her if this was really her "first affair".
sancheharri is offline  
post #132 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:36 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 53
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
OP - which cheater do you think you have a better chance of believing/reconciling with/ moving forward with in any way?

Cheater One:

Gives BS all passwords to all social media, phone, email
Gives BS full access to cell phone and any other electronic devices including work phones, ipads, laptops., etc.
Removes a large number of opposite sex friends on all social media, only keeping members of the opposite sex who are family, friends of the marriage, etc.
Cuts contact with “friends” who knew of the affair
Doesn’t do Boys Night Out/Girls Night Out anymore
Writes No Contact letter to AP without being asked to
Informs you when they accidentally run into AP in public and/or sends you screen shots after AP has contacted them without you having to ask for them
Tells you they will give you a divorce if it is what you need, even though it is killing them to lose you, because they understand that they caused this and there’s nothing they can do about it
Cries often about the pain they caused, asks you often how they can fix it, apologizes often
Reads and researches how to help you heal
Seeks counseling to try to determine why they did what they did
Allows you or encourages you to GPS their car or put an app such as Find my iPhone on their phone so that you can check their whereabouts if you feel like it
They go where they say they are going to go and nowhere else, they come home when they say they will be home, they keep themselves accessible on their phones so that you can reach them at any time
They may become depressed or suicidal when the realization of how much what they did hurt you hits them
They answer any and all questions openly, honestly and without hesitation, no matter how hard the questions are to answer
They accept full responsibility for the affair (AKA owning their sh*t) and they do not blame the BS in ANY way – other marriage problems are separate from infidelity
They understand and accept that since they were unfaithful, reconciliation is a GIFT and the marriage can still end at any time, even years later because of the infidelity
Should you choose to separate/divorce – they go into it knowing that this is not a standard separation/divorce and don’t “go for the jugular”, possibly try to waive child support or alimony if possible
If affair was in the work place or work place related, either offers to quit job or does not bristle at being asked to quit job


Cheater Two:

Keeps a passcode on their phone, refuses to give passwords or pin codes to phone or social media
No access to other electronics, work phones, ipads, etc
Gets angry when monitored
Defensive when asked questions about the affair
Lies and trickle truth
Refuses to send No Contact
Still enjoys girls night or guys night, social life does not change and if asked about it asserts that they are a “grown up” who can spend their time as they choose
Continues to engage inappropriately on social media, ‘liking’ pictures of the opposite sex that are questionable, keeping connections with single people of the opposite sex, etc.
Refuses to discuss the affair
Never apologizes and if they do it seems empty
Blames you for the affair
Ignores the affair and acts like everything is normal
Gets angry when you bring up the affair, telling you to “get over it” or that “the past is the past” and you need to “move on”
LosingHim, my cheating wife is displaying a mix-up of behaviours from your lists ---

Cheater one:

Gives BS all passwords to all social media, phone, email
Gives BS full access to cell phone and any other electronic devices including work phones, ipads, laptops., etc.
Informs you when they accidentally run into AP in public and/or sends you screen shots after AP has contacted them without you having to ask for them
They go where they say they are going to go and nowhere else, they come home when they say they will be home, they keep themselves accessible on their phones so that you can reach them at any time

Cheater Two:

Defensive when asked questions about the affair
Lies and trickle truth
Refuses to send No Contact
Continues to engage inappropriately on social media, ‘liking’ pictures of the opposite sex that are questionable, keeping connections with single people of the opposite sex, etc.
Refuses to discuss the affair
Blames you for the affair
Ignores the affair and acts like everything is normal
Gets angry when you bring up the affair, telling you to “get over it” or that “the past is the past” and you need to “move on
sancheharri is offline  
post #133 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 53
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by theDrifter View Post
I think I understand what you are really trying to find out with all of the questions you want answers to. You are trying to get her to tell you why she did this. All of us BH's want an answer to that question and it can torture us for years. It did for me and, sometimes, still does. But I have finally figured out a few things about this and I'll share them with you.

Is there any possible answer she could give you to the "why" question that would make you feel better about it? Like she could give you a reason(s) and you would think "yeah - I get it now!" and everything would be ok? Of course not yet we keep wondering what the answer really is. I think it's because we do not want to accept the real reason. The one staring us right in the face. She screwed this other guy for months because she loved the attention from him, the naughtiness of forbidden fruit was so delicious, and the sex was wonderful! It was fun and it felt good and she wanted it. I just described why your wife cheated - does it make you feel better? Can you accept this and keep living with her? Like it was just a "mistake"? Like you are somehow and in some way to blame for it?

You need to look at this realistically and, as others have suggested, search your feelings to decide just what you are willing to accept from a wife. This horror story is never going to go away and if you stay with her you don't have much chance to heal.

I've never read a post from a BH who divorced his WW that says he regrets it. Never.
yes, somehow you're right - i'm still in disbelief that i'm looking for "alternative why's". something i can still "hang-on" to. i am split between fixing or just letting go.
sancheharri is offline  
post #134 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 53
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
As Hope said, this is crap.

But the fact that you even ask yourself the question should show you how manipulative she is. When ( if ) she ever gets to the point she accepts all responsibility , then she's remorseful.

As of now, not so much. Unrepentant, defiant, and just daring you to do something of substance.
yes, i already said to her repeatedly that we are 50/50 with what happened to our marriage but the affair was 100% hers - and she won't accept it. she always insist that she can not take me away from the "equation" - that "i played a big part as to why she had an affair". she's really good at manipulating that she got me thinking this way at some point, but i'm now firm on my stand that i'm not part of her affair. it was her choice, it was her decision, and i wasn't there beside her when she f*cked that son-of-a-b*tch.
sancheharri is offline  
post #135 of 273 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:10 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 554
Re: lingering questions in my mind

It looks like she may be driving you into the arms of another. Don't worry, she would be half to blame. After all, what's good for the goose is worth a gander. Just sayin'.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
thenub is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What's in your mind? Kitty08 The Social Spot 2239 03-19-2017 06:01 PM
Made a decision in my mind...........WAW in four years if nothing changes LilMissSunshine General Relationship Discussion 70 01-08-2017 09:19 AM
Only 1 Mind Movie remains: sex in public places MAJDEATH Coping with Infidelity 116 08-03-2016 01:52 PM
Going nowhere fast - starting to lose my mind! (And everything else..) thoughtfulechidna Considering Divorce or Separation 13 01-25-2016 01:28 PM
He says he is losing his mind... lewislane General Relationship Discussion 22 01-09-2016 03:43 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome