Some comments on your post
i discovered evidences of an affair a couple of years ago but my cheating wife just confirmed it about 6 months ago. the usual anger, arguments, drama, etc...tried MC but stopped bacause i feel being pressured to accept that i was part of the reason for her 4-month sexual affair.
my cheating wife is evasive and defensive when being questioned. she insists she's already being honest and truthful with her answers but i feel she's misleading me to hide the real picture, or perhaps she's still in denial.
i'm asking for your opinions since i feel i can't get the whole truth from her.
several questions i can think of right now -
1) she says she didn't have any feelings with the guy, LIE they treated each other as buddies during the affair. that's why she was able to let it go easily. LIE she even told the guy it was just sex. - BUT she said she cuddled to him after having sex for the first time, and she felt "they bonded" when they had sex.
2) she says she didn't exert effort to seduce him, she was just being friendly. LIE - BUT she admitted "she entertained" his advances, she had conversations and flirted "harmlessly" back at him, allowed the guy to be alone with her in her room.
3) she says she didn't enjoy the sex. LIE she felt dirty and cheap in one of the encounters LIE. everytime they had sex she just laid there and let him do all the work LIE - BUT she admitted she did somewhat enjoy the first time LIE and the guy tried to "pleasure her during the third sex. she went on to bang him "5 times only".LIE
4) she says they used condoms everytime they had sexLIE . - BUT based on her words, it seems all the encounters are spontaneous (during work, lunch breaks, after work, early morning)
5) she says didn't set-out to have an affair with him LIE although she found him attractive when they met. they were just "good friends" or acquaintances. LIE - BUT she admitted fantasizing about him way before their first sexual encounter. OMG A TRUTH!!
6) she says she didn't care what the guy felt for her or what he thought of her LIE .- BUT she said she had sex for validation and to feel attractive and sexy.
7) she says she's not a "sl*t". - BUT she insists the guy was just an acquaintance,LIE and blurted out during an argument that "...i wish i could've been paid as well...i became so cheap..."
8) she said she's not into FWB.LIE - BUT she did have a sex affair with "just a friend".
9) she still believes and feels that the guy was "true and honest, that the guy didn't just use her for sex" . LIE - BUT she admitted that the guy didn't stay overnight or spent much time with her, didn't invite her for a decent date, didn't call or sent messages. just the usual "buddy" relationship.
10) she said she stopped the affair when the guy started comparing and complaining about his wifeLIE , and the affair was somewhat becoming "serious". - BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met."LIE
these are just some of the many questions in my mind, very confusing and draining.
if i can't get rational answers from her, i'm hoping i can find some help in this forum.
Really, why ask?
Your wife is an unabashed cheater.
Her affair was only 4 months LIE
. It was many many many more months than that.
Your "wife" has no remorse. Your "wife" has no respect for you.
BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met
Uhg! Just Uhg!
Her expectations? WTF! The entitlement is strong with this one.
Here's a thought if you stay with her:
Gee, thanks a whole heck of a lot for that. So instead of leaving me so that you could be with someone who was just as big of a scumbag as yourself and so that I could be free to find someone decent who would do right by me, it was sooooo much better for me that you stayed so that I could waste years of my life that I will never get back in order to continue being with a lying cheater who didn't deserve me. Thanks a whole hell of a lot for that since being with a lying cheater is such a freaking awesome prize and an awesome reward for all of my years of loyalty, dedication, love, and sacrifices. Yep, I hit the lying, cheating jackpot when I got to keep such a special prize as you.
Why allow her to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?
1) Doctor. NOW - get STD test
2) Lawyer. NOW. Learn your rights. Start Divorce.
3) start separating all you finances today.
4) IC for you - you're going to need to talk with someone about this
5) 180 like your life depended on it (and it does)
6) Drink plenty of water
7) eat properly
8) Get as much sleep as you can.
9) Hit the gym and work out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:
Just Let Them Go
The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
That is the end result.
The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
Nothing else works better or quicker.
Let them go.
Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
Wouldn't that be true love?
If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
But cheating, no excuses.
Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.