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lingering questions in my mind

104K views 301 replies 77 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 · (Edited)
hello everyone,

i discovered evidences of an affair a couple of years ago but my cheating wife just confirmed it about 6 months ago. the usual anger, arguments, drama, etc...tried MC but stopped bacause i feel being pressured to accept that i was part of the reason for her 4-month sexual affair.

my cheating wife is evasive and defensive when being questioned. she insists she's already being honest and truthful with her answers but i feel she's misleading me to hide the real picture, or perhaps she's still in denial.

i'm asking for your opinions since i feel i can't get the whole truth from her.

several questions i can think of right now -

1) she says she didn't have any feelings with the guy, they treated each other as buddies during the affair. that's why she was able to let it go easily. she even told the guy it was just sex. - BUT she said she cuddled to him after having sex for the first time, and she felt "they bonded" when they had sex.

2) she says she didn't exert effort to seduce him, she was just being friendly. - BUT she admitted "she entertained" his advances, she had conversations and flirted "harmlessly" back at him, allowed the guy to be alone with her in her room.

3) she says she didn't enjoy the sex. she felt dirty and cheap in one of the encounters. everytime they had sex she just laid there and let him do all the work - BUT she admitted she did somewhat enjoy the first time, and the guy tried to "pleasure her during the third sex. she went on to bang him "5 times only".

4) she says they used condoms everytime they had sex. - BUT based on her words, it seems all the encounters are spontaneous (during work, lunch breaks, after work, early morning)

5) she says didn't set-out to have an affair with him although she found him attractive when they met. they were just "good friends" or acquaintances. - BUT she admitted fantasizing about him way before their first sexual encounter.

6) she says she didn't care what the guy felt for her or what he thought of her.- BUT she said she had sex for validation and to feel attractive and sexy.

7) she says she's not a "sl*t". - BUT she insists the guy was just an acquaintance, and blurted out during an argument that "...i wish i could've been paid as well...i became so cheap..."

8) she said she's not into FWB. - BUT she did have a sex affair with "just a friend".

9) she still believes and feels that the guy was "true and honest, that the guy didn't just use her for sex" . - BUT she admitted that the guy didn't stay overnight or spent much time with her, didn't invite her for a decent date, didn't call or sent messages. just the usual "buddy" relationship.

10) she said she stopped the affair when the guy started comparing and complaining about his wife, and the affair was somewhat becoming "serious". - BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met."

these are just some of the many questions in my mind, very confusing and draining.

if i can't get rational answers from her, i'm hoping i can find some help in this forum.

TIA guys!...
 
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#2 ·
You are giving too much power to your wife in this situation.She is the one who should be fighting to keep you but it seems to be the other way around.If she had no feelings​ for the om ten she is a **** for ****ing him.You remind me of myself the first time I caught my wife cheating.I got full disclosure and checked on her occasionally,it took her ten years to cheat again and I caught her first time.I packed her bags for her myself.
 
#3 ·
Your W is simply cake-eating, trying to use any possible reason to justify her heartbreaking behavior toward you!

I just hate it when a counselor of any kind gets in the corner of a cheater, trying to make the betrayed spouse out to be the villain! You don't need that!

Immediately execute "the 180" and visit with a good family attorney to assess your rights for you!

Also have yourself thoroughly checked out by your MD for the presence of any STD's!

It's time to literally give this cheating skank "the air!" You deserve far, far greater out of life!
 
#4 ·
thanks, guys. yes, i get your points. right now, i'm confused. divorce is on the table, but i'm frozen. a lot of things going in my mind. badly need answers or rational opinions about her confusing statements. i need to have a sensible perspective as to what really happened and the truth.

if she can't give out the whole picture of her affair, at the very least, i'm willing to settle for reasonable opinions, or alternative answers to some of these questions above. i'm really confused with what she is saying. her statements seem to be completely opposite to other words that came out of her.

she says she wants to work it out, but i can't seem to move on without answers to these questions in my mind.
 
#5 ·
you can't rationalize this. What she did is not logical.

Having sex with people usually does lead to bonding. It is why having a sex life helps married couples - it bonds them, through chemicals released in the brain during.

If she is still in contact with this dude, it will most likely happen again... and again.

She should be trying to move mountains to get you to stay. You need to impose some consequences on her - inform the OM wife, her parents, your parents, a trusted mutual friend or two. She needs to ditch the current job.
 
#6 ·
If you read a lot of the stories in here, you'll find that a lot of your suspicions have merit. WS's rarely tell the whole truth. It's unusual for a woman to participate in an affair without deeper feelings for the AP. It's unusual for condoms to be used. "Four months" can mean "several years". Very telling that her stories and explanations have changed over time. Your need for more information is very common in BH's and very valid.

Definitely keep divorce on the table and don't let her get complacent. If you have children together, get them DNA tested to verify that they're really yours. Let her know you are doing this so that she understands the full ramifications of broken trust.

What work has she done to figure out why she did this in the first place? What work has she done to guarantee that this will never happen again? Because if the underlying causes have not been addressed, there is no way you should trust her again. As you know, your MC was wrong to suggest that you're at fault for the affair. There are a thousand ways to address problems in a marriage. Going out and screwing another man is neither a legitimate nor productive one. Your wife needs IC, not MC, to figure out what is broken in her.
 
#7 ·
First of all four months is probably eighteen months.lf she didn't like sex with him when did she keep ****ing him.She loved the attention and would still be doing it if he hadn't broken up with her.She has had more than one partner and is only admitted to what she has to. Hit her with divorce papers because you will never be able to trust her again.
 
#8 ·
Listen to this! Having experienced it myself Robbie is right. Chances are she will trickle out the truth over many years because she will have forgot the lies shes told you.
Divorce her, start over. This will make your life miserable if you stay.

You will ALWAYS have lingering questions.
 
#9 ·
Are there answers to these questions that would somehow change what she did and the hurt is caused you? I doubt it. You are staring down a rabbit hole that (in most cases) only gets deeper and more convoluted the further you go.

You should be asking yourself some questions right now. Thing like:

- What do I want from life?
- How important is trust in my marriage?
- Am I the kind of person that can ever move past such betrayal or will it haunt me for the rest of my life? Will I be triggered with doubt and panic every time she is late coming home or her phone rings at an odd hour? Will I imagine her with the other man when we have sex? Etc.
- Do my wife and I really have compatible values if she is capable of such selfishness and callous indifference?
- Are my feelings for her based upon her true self or an illusion?

You get the idea. For me, I can't imagine any response to infidelity short of immediate and permanent ending of the relationship. I might be able to forgive a cheater in time, but I would not sacrifice my own quality of life by subjecting myself to the never-ending doubt and anxiety. Once someone is proven to be a liar and untrustworthy, how would I ever completely trust them again? That's no life for me.

There are some people that claim to be able to repair the trust and salvage the relationship. Maybe you are one of them. Maybe not. This is the most important thing you need to ponder and be brutally honest with yourself. You'll never know the truth about her and what she did. You can know the truth about yourself.

Good luck in this unfortunate journey.
 
#10 ·
Its time to put on your big boy pants on, and act like man. First and foremost you set the questions and the rule of engagement not her, she does not get to make the rule...whether you move on with your lives or not is your decision

the first thing to say is that Divorce is on the table

2. did you expose her affair to others...you need to shame her to her family
3. Expose him to his wife...if she refuses to give you the name...go directly to divorce
3. If she works with him she has to leave her job
4. she has to sit down and write a timeline to everything
5. complete transparency no passwords no holding the phone, no deleting text, no special apps.
6. get tested with STD both of you
7. and she accepts a polygraph as well
8. couseling

if she says no to any of these divorce.....

If your afraid to do this then accept that you are going to be cuckold spouse for the rest of your marriage.
 
#11 ·
Unless you can get the answers you want, either from her or from digging into emails, texts or whatever without her knowing, you'll never be able to trust her again. You need to ask yourself, what kind of life will you have if you're constantly second guessing everything she tells you.
 
#12 ·
Basically, you are getting no answers and no healing because your wife does not believe for a second that she is going to not be able to intimidate you into letting it go. She cheated on you yet she is in total control. You have two choices.

(1) accept what happened and be a "good boy"
(2) see an attorney and tell her what the conditions for recinciliation are, and that they are non negotiable.

You cannot move on without the full truth, and right now you have no clue what really happened or if it was the only time she has cheated. And others have asked you some questions that you need to demand answers to, not ask. And I would start with the polygraph test.

Apparently if this occurred years ago and you only found out six months ago, you were gaslighted for a long time. Women who do this are not trustworthy at all, and her reaction to the polygraph will tell you wonders. Those with nothing to hide ,hide nothing.

She is in total control. You say divorce is on the table, but I would bet your wife believes she has a better chance of getting hit by lightning in her living room than you walking right now. When she believes otherwise, you might make progress.
 
#13 ·
i am fighting hard to regain control of my mind. i'm trying to accept the reality that i may never find everything about the affair.

but my soul is yearning for answers. oftentimes i feel like losing it. the images and unanswered questions...my brain seems about to explode.

i feel like i'm split in half - one-half says just leave and never look back, but the other half is desperately seeking answers.

perhaps if i can somehow have some answers, even just opinions or reasonable guesses, i can makeout or have an idea what really transpired in the affair. THEN perhaps i can start to move on to recovering myself.

i'm a mess...

thanks, guys. keep 'em coming. i am reading and pondering on with your answers. i badly need this.
 
#14 ·
#15 ·
Some comments on your post

hello everyone,

i discovered evidences of an affair a couple of years ago but my cheating wife just confirmed it about 6 months ago. the usual anger, arguments, drama, etc...tried MC but stopped bacause i feel being pressured to accept that i was part of the reason for her 4-month sexual affair.

my cheating wife is evasive and defensive when being questioned. she insists she's already being honest and truthful with her answers but i feel she's misleading me to hide the real picture, or perhaps she's still in denial.

i'm asking for your opinions since i feel i can't get the whole truth from her.

several questions i can think of right now -

1) she says she didn't have any feelings with the guy, LIE they treated each other as buddies during the affair. that's why she was able to let it go easily. LIE she even told the guy it was just sex. - BUT she said she cuddled to him after having sex for the first time, and she felt "they bonded" when they had sex.

2) she says she didn't exert effort to seduce him, she was just being friendly. LIE - BUT she admitted "she entertained" his advances, she had conversations and flirted "harmlessly" back at him, allowed the guy to be alone with her in her room.

3) she says she didn't enjoy the sex. LIE she felt dirty and cheap in one of the encounters LIE. everytime they had sex she just laid there and let him do all the work LIE - BUT she admitted she did somewhat enjoy the first time LIE and the guy tried to "pleasure her during the third sex. she went on to bang him "5 times only".LIE

4) she says they used condoms everytime they had sexLIE . - BUT based on her words, it seems all the encounters are spontaneous (during work, lunch breaks, after work, early morning)

5) she says didn't set-out to have an affair with him LIE although she found him attractive when they met. they were just "good friends" or acquaintances. LIE - BUT she admitted fantasizing about him way before their first sexual encounter. OMG A TRUTH!!

6) she says she didn't care what the guy felt for her or what he thought of her LIE .- BUT she said she had sex for validation and to feel attractive and sexy.

7) she says she's not a "sl*t". - BUT she insists the guy was just an acquaintance,LIE and blurted out during an argument that "...i wish i could've been paid as well...i became so cheap..."

8) she said she's not into FWB.LIE - BUT she did have a sex affair with "just a friend".

9) she still believes and feels that the guy was "true and honest, that the guy didn't just use her for sex" . LIE - BUT she admitted that the guy didn't stay overnight or spent much time with her, didn't invite her for a decent date, didn't call or sent messages. just the usual "buddy" relationship.

10) she said she stopped the affair when the guy started comparing and complaining about his wifeLIE , and the affair was somewhat becoming "serious". - BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met."LIE

these are just some of the many questions in my mind, very confusing and draining.

if i can't get rational answers from her, i'm hoping i can find some help in this forum.

TIA guys!...

Why question?

Really, why ask?

Your wife is an unabashed cheater.

Her affair was only 4 months LIE . It was many many many more months than that.

Your "wife" has no remorse. Your "wife" has no respect for you.

BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met
Uhg! Just Uhg!
Her expectations? WTF! The entitlement is strong with this one.
Here's a thought if you stay with her:
Gee, thanks a whole heck of a lot for that. So instead of leaving me so that you could be with someone who was just as big of a scumbag as yourself and so that I could be free to find someone decent who would do right by me, it was sooooo much better for me that you stayed so that I could waste years of my life that I will never get back in order to continue being with a lying cheater who didn't deserve me. Thanks a whole hell of a lot for that since being with a lying cheater is such a freaking awesome prize and an awesome reward for all of my years of loyalty, dedication, love, and sacrifices. Yep, I hit the lying, cheating jackpot when I got to keep such a special prize as you.


Why stay?
Why allow her to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) Doctor. NOW - get STD test
2) Lawyer. NOW. Learn your rights. Start Divorce.
3) start separating all you finances today.
4) IC for you - you're going to need to talk with someone about this
5) 180 like your life depended on it (and it does)
6) Drink plenty of water
7) eat properly
8) Get as much sleep as you can.
9) Hit the gym and work out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 
#17 ·
Unfortunately, the easiest way to get past this is to divorce her and stop caring about what the answers are. There is nothing she can say that will make you trust her and accept her answers, so trying to find them is a lost effort. Use this as a time to think about what you would picture as an ideal relationship and then think about whether you see that happening with a person you do not trust. And, as the other posters alluded to, there is always going to be more that she is hiding from you. How much digging do you really want to do and for how long?
 
#21 ·
Hearing your story and your need for detailed answer to questions regarding what exactly happened has me wondering. Why would you need specific details in order to heal from this. I would think the more details and the more you talk about it would make you feel worse. By now if you don't have all the information you want you probably won't get it and most of if is going to be a lie anyway. Do you think you could successfully R with her about this based only on what you know now. If not I would seriously consider divorce. You probably will never be able to trust her again and it doesn't seem she's doing her part to help you heal from this. I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think the only way that you can ever rest from this is to not have her in your life anymore.
 
#18 ·
Are they still working together?

If she is still working with him, they are still having sex or sexting. Or both.
He will still pursue an easy target.
 
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#22 ·
She welcomed and encouraged his advances. She wanted sex from the start.
She did this because she wanted to do it pure and simple. No need to ask in more "why" questions.
She then she continues to lie to you for two years(or more).
She has no respect nor love for you.
The wife and marriage you had died the day she started flirting with him. Both are gone and you just found that out for sure. You are grieving the loss.
She did this not you.
Free yourself from her, because she obviously wanted to be free of you even though she did not tell you.
You were and are her Plan B. The safety net to fall back to if the affair did not develop as she hoped it would.
She will do it again.
 
#23 · (Edited)
1) If her answers are generally truthful, it seems her values and attitudes are not in line with yours. You point out a number of inconsistencies in what she says and did compared to what you believe(d) her to be. Let's imagine her answers are basically accurate. Is this the kind of woman you would consider marrying if you met her today and learned this about her?

2) If her answers are generally deceptions, it seems she is not marriage material. If she is capable of having meaningless sex outside of the marriage, what would keep her from doing this again in the future? She was comfortable entering into the affair and carrying on with it. She does not now say how terrible she feels about what she did. She does not say what she did was wrong. She does not say she regrets betraying your trust or hurting you. In short, she is not showing genuine remorse for the affair and for harming you with her actions. Is this the kind of woman you would consider marrying if you met her today and learned this about her?
 
#24 · (Edited)
To your specific concern about getting the truth from her, there is only one way I can think of to get there. It would be to have her provide all of her electronic records to you of any texts, emails, histories from skype and other such apps etc. Then have her write out a detailed timeline of the affair. When did they first meet, first flirt, first discuss being more than friends? Where did the encounters occur? Did either of them say I Love You, and when/where did that happen? How many times did they have sex? Did they always use condoms? What sex acts did they engage in? Did anyone take nude or sex photos? How and when did they communicate before, during, and after the affair? Who ended the affair?

You can ask for as much detail in the timeline as you think you need to know.

Keep in mind that there may be some errors due to the human memory being very imperfect. She may try to be fully accurate yet fail. You may find some inconsistencies which are not intentional lies, and you may detect apparent inconsistencies which are factually accurate. There may be things she really does not remember.

Give her something like 5 days to put all of this together. Her memory may pull up additional info as she thinks on it and as she writes out things.

Then take her for a polygraph. You will coordinate ahead of time with the person giving the polygraph on the questions. The main question would be essentially "Did she give you all of the electronic information you requested and is her written timeline complete and accurate?". A good polygrapher can get good results.

Normally I am not a fan of polygraphs for a few reasons, but in your case I really don't see any other way to get better facts.
 
#25 ·
You are, I think, too focused on the facts of what did or did not happen. As others have stated, you know she had a physical affair. You know she lied to you about it. You know the affair lasted for a while and was not some drunken one-night-stand (which wouldn't be good but implies different issues).

She did not participate meaningfully in marriage counseling. She has not owned up to what she did, nor shown true remorse. Her responses to your questions show continued deceptions, minimization of the affair, blame shifting, and rug sweeping.

What you have so far is a totally failed reconciliation. You have not healed from the betrayal. She is not doing any real work to help you heal.

In my opinion, all of those factors are vastly more important than exactly how many times they did whichever sex act, or whether she felt emotionally attached to him. I think your attempts to get better answers to your questions is a misguided effort. You're trying to understand what happened in order to figure out why it happened, and perhaps with that information you think you can save your marriage. The problem is the betrayal itself is not being dealt with.

Your wife is the one who needs to do the hard work in repairing the betrayal. The process requires expert guidance, ideally from a MC who knows what they are doing and will put the pressure on your wife. Your wife will have to feel and express true remorse for harming you. She'll have to see herself as having done something terrible, which is different than feeling bad for getting caught. She should apologize to you, and she should be asking for your forgiveness. She should be examining why she was capable of the betrayal in the first place. After the betrayal is processed, then you start working on rebuilding a new marriage with her, if possible.

Getting honest answers from her about the affair will be necessary, but the content of the answers is actually not a big part of the recovery process. You already know she had sex multiple times with the OM.
 
#27 ·
i'm getting tired of hearing about so called marriage counselors who put the onus on the behaving spouse and
try to get the BS to 'get over it'.

seems like more often than not, they do so. what are they teaching these people in grad school??
i don't care what you did............NOTHING justifies an affair. especially a cold brazen one like your wife.

glad you quit this MC. i agree with the others. your wife has no sense of shame.
 
#28 ·
Hi and welcome. I am SO sorry you're here under these circumstances :(

A few things to know:
- it takes about 2 years to stop thinking about it daily and start healing. YEARS. You're only 6 months in. It takes about 5 years to truly heal. Of course you will hear from many people - including your wife - that you just need to GET OVER IT already. And many people do just that. But none of them have truly healed. They may even stay married, but that is NOT reconciliation. It's burying your head in the sand.
- you will never get every single detail. Never. The need to keep picking at the scab is common, though. I did it. I basically obsessed for about 2 years. Some people just seem to need to do that. The need for it went away for me because my husband was doing everything humanly possible to improve himself and prove to me that he was worthy of R, so eventually I settled down. I have NO idea how people do it when the WS isn't doing everything they can - which is almost always the case. It's the case for you for sure.
- It's too bad you didn't kick her out the day you found out. I believe that is THE BEST thing to do in pretty much every circumstance of cheating because it worked for me. It showed my husband exactly what I thought of what he did and exactly what I was willing to tolerate. Cheaters live in la la land and they need to wake the hell up, or they don't change. Nothing wakes them up like a kick in the ass.

This thread has invaluable advice for BS's - taking the time to read it might be the best investment you can make right now:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/430739-post1.html
 
#29 ·
a lot of you guys gave sensible replies and advice. i said divorce is on the table, but i'll admit i'm not ready for it at this point. my mind is totally f*cked-up. i'm trying my best to get a grip, but so far i'm failing.

yes, that's it, perhaps i'm grieving the loss. i'm grieving that the wife and marriage i had died the moment she started flirting with someone else. this might be one reason why i feel like dying inside day-in, day-out. it felt eerily similar when my mom died a few years ago.

i'm aware she probably didn't and will not tell all truthfully, that's why i'm seeking for some plausible answers and explanations here to some of the questions lingering in my mind. i have been fighting hard to divert my thoughts from these questions but they just keep on haunting me. every minute, everyday. i'm obsessed with it...i'm obsessed with getting details. i can't help myself from thinking about it at this point.

please bear with me if i seem to be insisting in getting answers. which is true, which is not? her answers just made me more confused. i already pointed out to her about inconsistencies in her storyline, but she just told me she can't remember many details as she already put it behind her. and the affair didn't matter to her in any way so she didn't bother to remember or keep the memories.

i mentioned to her going through a lie-detector test, but she insists on just moving on and try to start over rebuilding. she pleads that she's remorseful and she's dealing with it herself - the remorse, shame, guilt, etc.

perhaps if i can just make a rough picture or storyline of the affair, i can probably start putting it to rest and push me to finally take that first step in healing...
 
#33 ·
I was just like, I needed to know why, how and whatever else. No my wife didn't have a physical affair, there was an emotional affair and then I caught what I see as a possible second EA. But I dug, poked and prodded everything and everywhere, I just couldn't understand it. It drove me insane to the point that I barely slept and was constantly on edge.

All I can say is stop. You know it did happen, you've heard her responses and seen her reactions. What happened has happened and there's nothing you can do to change that, but what you can do is change yourself. All knowing every detail about what happened is going to do is make things worse. You need to put it behind you and move forward, with or without her. If you don't you're only going to end up hurting yourself more than you already are, and it will end up hurting any future relationships you may have as well.
 
#98 ·
I can't take credit for this but here goes

Saying I'm sorry is meaninless It has zero value

The best apoligy is better behaviour

Remorse is I'm sorry I broke your window I will pay to fix it or better yet replace it
with my own two hands.

Very easy to get the distinction

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