How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so..... - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

Thank you for explaining how you have worked to get to the point that loans are paid off and the farm is doing better. Also how your entire family is involved and this is a multi-generational project. It puts things into a different light than you simply wanting to do this despite it having no future and not bringing in enough to support you. It explains why you are having such trouble with the idea of divorce.

So you have two years before things change regarding the farm? I still think you need to look into how divorce would impact you and if you would be able to keep the farm for the family. If you don't know what all your options are, you cannot really make a decision, which will keep you in limbo indefinitely.

Right now you do know that your wife has been lying to you and putting another man between you. That is a betrayal whether or not she has been sexually involved with him. I think you also realize that the chances of there being no sexual tie is extremely remote. Is there are way you can live with her for two more years knowing this? Do you have a spare bedroom she could move into?


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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #137 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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This is the guy that she -even though he had male roommates- had spent the night supposedly on his couch because she was too drunk to get home and neither she nor he called to tell me. He was the one always partying with her. He was the one she confided to in college when we had arguments about her staying out late to where he would tell her to ignore me and I had no right. He was the one that everytime we went to WI to a dairy event would get her to go off with him and pals when she was supposed to meet up with me after we had been apart for the day. He was the one who left the- what he thought was a funny- message at 2 am that she should get it on with another co-worker and how lucky that guy was. He was the one that she sat next to on the company trips while wearing what I would have considered one of her sexiest outfits. He was the one that came down on business and when we went out to eat in separate vehicles he asked her if she wanted to ride with him - I was the other driver! Maybe you get the idea by now?
I hate to say this, but this is all on you, Bro. You've tolerated the disrespect, the flirting, the having him as an extra boyfriend all this time. Why are you upset NOW?

Geez, in my younger days, it would be time for a flat out arse-whipping and putting this guy down the road--- and if she came to his defense, I'd have put her down the road, too. I know now she's your wife and you've become attached. But you allowing this behavior is just as unreasonable as your wife staying involved in it.
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post #138 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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No never have and she has consistently and strongly denied it the whole time
She is a proven liar. What difference does it make that she's denied it-- consistently or otherwise. What do YOU think? Not what you want to think, what do you think??
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post #139 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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This is the guy that she -even though he had male roommates- had spent the night supposedly on his couch because she was too drunk to get home and neither she nor he called to tell me. He was the one always partying with her. He was the one she confided to in college when we had arguments about her staying out late to where he would tell her to ignore me and I had no right. He was the one that everytime we went to WI to a dairy event would get her to go off with him and pals when she was supposed to meet up with me after we had been apart for the day. He was the one who left the- what he thought was a funny- message at 2 am that she should get it on with another co-worker and how lucky that guy was. He was the one that she sat next to on the company trips while wearing what I would have considered one of her sexiest outfits. He was the one that came down on business and when we went out to eat in separate vehicles he asked her if she wanted to ride with him - I was the other driver! Maybe you get the idea by now?
I don't know what else you say except you're being a damn fool if you think these two haven't had sex.

You only have one deep soul searching question to ask yourself, "What's more important to me? My self respect or money?"

Hint: You can always make more money but shame stays with you forever. It's shameful you're not calling her "ex" by now.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #140 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I feel like I should pay you for that! That was extremely well thought out and hit the nail on the head. In fact it really hit home with me because I have told my wife numerous times that her actions don't match her words. And I think I said on here that even though jay lived states away and SEEMED to be out of the picture I knew that at the very least if any type of contact occurred it would be more of the same. So yes I always knew deep down he wasn't really
gone. Thank you very much!!!
You're welcome, @bremik, but I notice you didn't answer the question I asked you. Here, let me say it again, shorter:

For you, I think the most profitable thing you can do for yourself right now is just get this through your head: FACE THE TRUTH. Your wife has already been unfaithful to you for eight years.

If you do not intend to do anything about it, that is your choice: I'd say just admit to yourself out loud that you are choosing to let your wife be unfaithful.

On the other hand, if you do not intend to continue to allow adultery in your marriage, then that would mean that you will need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...and that means that even though it hurts, you will have to live without her income and face possibly losing the farm.

So @bremik figure that out first. FACE THE TRUTH. You tell us if you are going to choose to do nothing and accept it...or you are going to do something. If you are going to do nothing, I can't say everyone will agree with you, but at least you'd be honest with yourself and with us! But if you are going to do something, why then we'll talk again.

Let me know.


I highlighted a couple spots to make it easier to see.

Here's the thing: it sounds to me like you love your life (in a way). You love your farm and you love your kids and how they help you with the farm, and financially you work and she works and by pooling everything even the farm is pulling ahead pretty well (by the way, I am very impressed you managed to make 10% in the first couple years--that is AMAZING!). The only thing that is a stick in the mud (if you will) is that your wife has an AP on the side. You believe he's primarily an emotional affair, but still he's there and has been there the whole marriage, and she has gone to huge lengths to hide him from you this whole time.

I think the time has come to just decide if you're going to accept the AP on the side in exchange for keeping the farm and kids--or if you're unwilling to accept an AP in your marriage but risk the farm and kids. I'm not being mean--just pick one and know that you made the choice!

If you choose to accept the AP in exchange for keeping the farm and the kids, then we can talk to you about how to accept something you find a "bitter pill" or something that is hard. I honestly doubt you'll ever be very happy IN YOUR MARRIAGE because you'd prefer to control her and "make her stop" and she's not going to stop (no matter what promises she makes). Can you accept that and find happiness in other areas of your life?

If you choose to NOT accept infidelity in your marriage relationship, then we can talk to you about how to focus on taking one step at a time, and controlling YOU (not her), and setting a boundary AROUND YOU that says you'll only accept 100% faithful partner and here's what that looks like... I am not sure you'll be happy IN YOUR LIFE for a while if you make this choice, because for a while, as you learn to stand up for yourself and expect respect from your marriage partner, the change is likely to cause some drama between you two--the dynamic has changed and she likes the dynamic where she has you as finances and service, and him for fun and compliments.

So I'll ask right out: what is your decision?

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post #141 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by bremik View Post
This is the guy that she -even though he had male roommates- had spent the night supposedly on his couch because she was too drunk to get home and neither she nor he called to tell me. He was the one always partying with her. He was the one she confided to in college when we had arguments about her staying out late to where he would tell her to ignore me and I had no right. He was the one that everytime we went to WI to a dairy event would get her to go off with him and pals when she was supposed to meet up with me after we had been apart for the day. He was the one who left the- what he thought was a funny- message at 2 am that she should get it on with another co-worker and how lucky that guy was. He was the one that she sat next to on the company trips while wearing what I would have considered one of her sexiest outfits. He was the one that came down on business and when we went out to eat in separate vehicles he asked her if she wanted to ride with him - I was the other driver! Maybe you get the idea by now?
And you put up with this?
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post #142 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
For you, I think the most profitable thing you can do for yourself right now is just get this through your head: FACE THE TRUTH. Your wife has already been unfaithful to you for eight years.

If you do not intend to do anything about it, that is your choice: I'd say just admit to yourself out loud that you are choosing to let your wife be unfaithful.

On the other hand, if you do not intend to continue to allow adultery in your marriage, then that would mean that you will need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...and that means that even though it hurts, you will have to live without her income and face possibly losing the farm.

So @bremik figure that out first. FACE THE TRUTH. You tell us if you are going to choose to do nothing and accept it...or you are going to do something. If you are going to do nothing, I can't say everyone will agree with you, but at least you'd be honest with yourself and with us! But if you are going to do something, why then we'll talk again.

Let me know.
Unfortunately, he's just another one of these BS' that like to come to TAM to vent cause it makes them feel good.

But they are either unwilling to rock the boat or too scared to actually do the heavy lifting to BETTER their lives.

It's just far easier for them to stick their heads back into the sand, to use OP's metaphor. He knows what he needs to do.

The rest of everyone else's input is just wasted keystrokes.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #143 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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You're welcome, @bremik, but I notice you didn't answer the question I asked you. Here, let me say it again, shorter:

For you, I think the most profitable thing you can do for yourself right now is just get this through your head: FACE THE TRUTH. Your wife has already been unfaithful to you for eight years.

If you do not intend to do anything about it, that is your choice: I'd say just admit to yourself out loud that you are choosing to let your wife be unfaithful.

On the other hand, if you do not intend to continue to allow adultery in your marriage, then that would mean that you will need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...and that means that even though it hurts, you will have to live without her income and face possibly losing the farm.

So @bremik figure that out first. FACE THE TRUTH. You tell us if you are going to choose to do nothing and accept it...or you are going to do something. If you are going to do nothing, I can't say everyone will agree with you, but at least you'd be honest with yourself and with us! But if you are going to do something, why then we'll talk again.

Let me know.


I highlighted a couple spots to make it easier to see.

Here's the thing: it sounds to me like you love your life (in a way). You love your farm and you love your kids and how they help you with the farm, and financially you work and she works and by pooling everything even the farm is pulling ahead pretty well (by the way, I am very impressed you managed to make 10% in the first couple years--that is AMAZING!). The only thing that is a stick in the mud (if you will) is that your wife has an AP on the side. You believe he's primarily an emotional affair, but still he's there and has been there the whole marriage, and she has gone to huge lengths to hide him from you this whole time.

I think the time has come to just decide if you're going to accept the AP on the side in exchange for keeping the farm and kids--or if you're unwilling to accept an AP in your marriage but risk the farm and kids. I'm not being mean--just pick one and know that you made the choice!

If you choose to accept the AP in exchange for keeping the farm and the kids, then we can talk to you about how to accept something you find a "bitter pill" or something that is hard. I honestly doubt you'll ever be very happy IN YOUR MARRIAGE because you'd prefer to control her and "make her stop" and she's not going to stop (no matter what promises she makes). Can you accept that and find happiness in other areas of your life?

If you choose to NOT accept infidelity in your marriage relationship, then we can talk to you about how to focus on taking one step at a time, and controlling YOU (not her), and setting a boundary AROUND YOU that says you'll only accept 100% faithful partner and here's what that looks like... I am not sure you'll be happy IN YOUR LIFE for a while if you make this choice, because for a while, as you learn to stand up for yourself and expect respect from your marriage partner, the change is likely to cause some drama between you two--the dynamic has changed and she likes the dynamic where she has you as finances and service, and him for fun and compliments.

So I'll ask right out: what is your decision?
At whatever cost I do not want to accept this anymore. The fact that she has flat out lied to me AGAIN on this especially with him is way more than I want to accept. I am tired of the jay cancer in my life with or without her I want him gone
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post #144 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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And you put up with this?
It would appear so.
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post #145 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Thank you for explaining how you have worked to get to the point that loans are paid off and the farm is doing better. Also how your entire family is involved and this is a multi-generational project. It puts things into a different light than you simply wanting to do this despite it having no future and not bringing in enough to support you. It explains why you are having such trouble with the idea of divorce.

So you have two years before things change regarding the farm? I still think you need to look into how divorce would impact you and if you would be able to keep the farm for the family. If you don't know what all your options are, you cannot really make a decision, which will keep you in limbo indefinitely.

Right now you do know that your wife has been lying to you and putting another man between you. That is a betrayal whether or not she has been sexually involved with him. I think you also realize that the chances of there being no sexual tie is extremely remote. Is there are way you can live with her for two more years knowing this? Do you have a spare bedroom she could move into?
I think we are past the point of her in a spare bedroom. I want jay gone. I plan on talking to a divorce lawyer asap as suggested to begin a plan or at least see options

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post #146 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I think we are past the point of her in a spare bedroom. I want jay gone. I plan on talking to a divorce lawyer asap as suggested to begin a plan or at least see options
You clearly have no control over whether Jay is in the picture or not. That isn't your decision to make.
Unfortunately once you set a boundary and stick to it, you may find your wife moves out immediately and runs to Jay's waiting arms.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #147 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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You clearly have no control over whether Jay is in the picture or not. That isn't your decision to make.
Unfortunately once you set a boundary and stick to it, you may find your wife moves out immediately and runs to Jay's waiting arms.
I am all ears as to how to do that and be sure it can be monitored. I honestly assumed divorce is my only option otherwise I cycle back into the make a rule she breaks recycle. Jay was supposed to be out of the picture. My wife made such a big deal about telling me she was working on being transparent and that is why she told me she would be contacting him some because of work. To me that was a huge slap in the face to find out she forgot to mention they had already been contacting each other!!!! As far as I knew she had no contact with jay for 2 1/2 years which is when her number would have changed and she started her new job- obviously I had been looking but never found anything- but now I know why. And she has been to WI twice in that time without me which I again monitored the best I could but again I wouldn't be able to find anything if they used a different number and i-message.
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post #148 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:34 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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You clearly have no control over whether Jay is in the picture or not. That isn't your decision to make.
Unfortunately once you set a boundary and stick to it, you may find your wife moves out immediately and runs to Jay's waiting arms.
I question how waiting they would be with Jay married as well, could be that this is more fancy than fact... some never leave the past and would never progress to a present more that what the past delivered, never mind a future.

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post #149 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I am all ears as to how to do that and be sure it can be monitored. I honestly assumed divorce is my only option otherwise I cycle back into the make a rule she breaks recycle. Jay was supposed to be out of the picture. My wife made such a big deal about telling me she was working on being transparent and that is why she told me she would be contacting him some because of work. To me that was a huge slap in the face to find out she forgot to mention they had already been contacting each other!!!! As far as I knew she had no contact with jay for 2 1/2 years which is when her number would have changed and she started her new job- obviously I had been looking but never found anything- but now I know why. And she has been to WI twice in that time without me which I again monitored the best I could but again I wouldn't be able to find anything if they used a different number and i-message.
I am not implying that you should have control over your wife. That's not possible except under highly abusive situations, which this is not. Normal, healthy people cannot control the lives of other people. You set your boundary and she decides what she's going to do about it. I'm just saying don't be surprised if she leaves you and heads straight for Jay. This is not your fault. There isn't anything that you can do about what she has going on in her head and her heart. Personally, I think people who behave like your wife have a serious moral void of character. The only thing you really know for sure about her is that she does whatever she wants and she uses lies and deception to make it happen. How could you possibly have any control over that? You don't.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #150 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I question how waiting they would be with Jay married as well, could be that this is more fancy than fact... some never leave the past and would never progress to a present more that what the past delivered, never mind a future.
Who knows. I just presented it as a possibility. My point is that he should not expect a particular outcome when he sets a boundary. There are many possible responses that she might have.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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