I feel like I should pay you for that! That was extremely well thought out and hit the nail on the head. In fact it really hit home with me because I have told my wife numerous times that her actions don't match her words. And I think I said on here that even though jay lived states away and SEEMED to be out of the picture I knew that at the very least if any type of contact occurred it would be more of the same. So yes I always knew deep down he wasn't really
gone. Thank you very much!!!
You're welcome, @bremik
, but I notice you didn't answer the question I asked you. Here, let me say it again, shorter: For you, I think the most profitable thing you can do for yourself right now is just get this through your head: FACE THE TRUTH. Your wife has already been unfaithful to you for eight years.
If you do not intend to do anything about it, that is your choice: I'd say just admit to yourself out loud that you are choosing to let your wife be unfaithful.
On the other hand, if you do not intend to continue to allow adultery in your marriage, then that would mean that you will need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...and that means that even though it hurts, you will have to live without her income and face possibly losing the farm.
So @bremik figure that out first. FACE THE TRUTH. You tell us if you are going to choose to do nothing and accept it...or you are going to do something. If you are going to do nothing, I can't say everyone will agree with you, but at least you'd be honest with yourself and with us! But if you are going to do something, why then we'll talk again.
Let me know.
I highlighted a couple spots to make it easier to see.
Here's the thing: it sounds to me like you love your life (in a way). You love your farm and you love your kids and how they help you with the farm, and financially you work and she works and by pooling everything even the farm is pulling ahead pretty well (by the way, I am very impressed you managed to make 10% in the first couple years--that is AMAZING!). The only thing that is a stick in the mud (if you will) is that your wife has an AP on the side. You believe he's primarily an emotional affair, but still he's there and has been there the whole marriage, and she has gone to huge lengths to hide him from you this whole time.
I think the time has come to just decide
if you're going to accept the AP on the side in exchange for keeping the farm and kids--or if you're unwilling to accept an AP in your marriage but risk the farm and kids. I'm not being mean--just pick one and know that you made the choice!
If you choose to accept the AP in exchange for keeping the farm and the kids, then we can talk to you about how to accept something you find a "bitter pill" or something that is hard. I honestly doubt you'll ever be very happy IN YOUR MARRIAGE because you'd prefer to control her and "make her stop" and she's not going to stop (no matter what promises she makes). Can you accept that and find happiness in other areas of your life?
If you choose to NOT accept infidelity in your marriage relationship, then we can talk to you about how to focus on taking one step at a time, and controlling YOU (not her), and setting a boundary AROUND YOU that says you'll only accept 100% faithful partner and here's what that looks like... I am not sure you'll be happy IN YOUR LIFE for a while if you make this choice, because for a while, as you learn to stand up for yourself and expect respect from your marriage partner, the change is likely to cause some drama between you two--the dynamic has changed and she likes the dynamic where she has you as finances and service, and him for fun and compliments.
So I'll ask right out: what is your decision?