How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so..... - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #151 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Have you noticed a:*


- Sudden increase in time away from home*

- Decreased sexual interest with you*

- Cheating spouse is often distracted and day dreaming*

- Cheating husband or wife is often “unavailable” while at work*

- Cheating spouse attends new functions outside of work or not wants to go alone*

- Cell phone calls from you are not returned in timely fashion*

- Cheating spouse leaves house or goes to other rooms to talk on the telephone*

- Cheating spouse uses computer alone and secretly*

- Cheating spouse asks about your schedule more often than usual*

- Mileage on car is high yet he / she reports only short distance errands*

- Clothes smell of perfume or cologne*

- Cheating spouse gets his / her laundry done independently*

- Unexplained payments on bank statements*

- Cheating spouse has more cash on hand without accountability*

- Cell phone bills contain calls with long duration*

- Cheating spouse now has a phone card but never used one before*

- Cheating wife or husband has unexplained receipts in wallet or purse*

- Cheating spouse has suspicious phone voice-mail messages*

- Cheating spouse has suspicious cell phone numbers stored or dialed*

- Internet web browser history list (this is a record of web sites visited) contains unusual sites*

- Cheating spouse begins to use new or free e-mail account*

- Cheating spouse is suddenly deleting e-mail messages*

contact via mail/Hangout :* hackermanworld9@gmail.com

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk
just erased texts/emails

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post #152 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Who knows. I just presented it as a possibility. My point is that he should not expect a particular outcome when he sets a boundary. There are many possible responses that she might have.
What boundary can I set at this point? She had no reason to be in contact with Jay until last week so that in itself crossed a boundary. She is supposed to be transparent in any contact with any male outside of normal work relations- especially jay- that got crossed as well
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post #153 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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What boundary can I set at this point? She had no reason to be in contact with Jay until last week so that in itself crossed a boundary. She is supposed to be transparent in any contact with any male outside of normal work relations- especially jay- that got crossed as well
You say you're past the point of separate bedrooms. I strongly disagree. What consequences has your W suffered? None. Never too late to start. Kick her out of your bed. She's a huge cake eater.
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post #154 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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What boundary can I set at this point? She had no reason to be in contact with Jay until last week so that in itself crossed a boundary. She is supposed to be transparent in any contact with any male outside of normal work relations- especially jay- that got crossed as well
Refusing to have sex with her or engage with her on a close, personal level when she has betrayed you. No longer trusting anything she says or does, as she has proven herself to be a liar, so basically not engaging in any conversation where you have to rely on her word. Any conversation outside of, "did you pick up the broccoli while you were out," is unnecessary. Moving her out of your bedroom. Etc. Things that people do when they are no longer in a safe relationship. You don't treat someone like a safe, close confidant when they have betrayed you and shown no proof of change over a long period of time.

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post #155 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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You say you're past the point of separate bedrooms. I strongly disagree. What consequences has your W suffered? None. Never too late to start. Kick her out of your bed. She's a huge cake eater.
I have done that since Saturday when I found the texts.
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post #156 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Refusing to have sex with her or engage with her on a close, personal level when she has betrayed you. No longer trusting anything she says or does, as she has proven herself to be a liar, so basically not engaging in any conversation where you have to rely on her word. Any conversation outside of, "did you pick up the broccoli while you were out," is unnecessary. Moving her out of your bedroom. Etc. Things that people do when they are no longer in a safe relationship. You don't treat someone like a safe, close confidant when they have betrayed you and shown no proof of change over a long period of time.
I have done that too since Saturday. Her face looks like a watermelon she has been crying so much. But now what?! How does she answer for what her and jay have been up to?????????
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post #157 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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You say you're past the point of separate bedrooms. I strongly disagree. What consequences has your W suffered? None. Never too late to start. Kick her out of your bed. She's a huge cake eater.
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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Refusing to have sex with her or engage with her on a close, personal level when she has betrayed you. No longer trusting anything she says or does, as she has proven herself to be a liar, so basically not engaging in any conversation where you have to rely on her word. Any conversation outside of, "did you pick up the broccoli while you were out," is unnecessary. Moving her out of your bedroom. Etc. Things that people do when they are no longer in a safe relationship. You don't treat someone like a safe, close confidant when they have betrayed you and shown no proof of change over a long period of time.
Strongly disagree ladies. Kicking her out of bed? The silent treatment? Denying sex? Very immature recommendations imo. OP needs to MAN UP.

You either TRUST your spouse or you don't. Trying to "punish her" with passive aggressive behavior will accomplish NOTHING except make OP look like a pouting child.

It's also an attempt to exert control. If you don't trust your spouse anymore and she is a proven LIAR then it's time to cash out. Walk away with your head held high.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #158 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I am all ears as to how to do that and be sure it can be monitored. I honestly assumed divorce is my only option otherwise I cycle back into the make a rule she breaks recycle. Jay was supposed to be out of the picture. My wife made such a big deal about telling me she was working on being transparent and that is why she told me she would be contacting him some because of work. To me that was a huge slap in the face to find out she forgot to mention they had already been contacting each other!!!! As far as I knew she had no contact with jay for 2 1/2 years which is when her number would have changed and she started her new job- obviously I had been looking but never found anything- but now I know why. And she has been to WI twice in that time without me which I again monitored the best I could but again I wouldn't be able to find anything if they used a different number and i-message.
She is a serial cheater and the chances of her changing are not very good. Add to that the position of weakness you come from when you try to get her to maintain NC and you have what you have right now.

If you will not divorce her than just accept things the way they are and live your life. Your hollow sabre-rattling is never going to work because she sees right though you. This problem might be caused by your wife's cheating but it is you who keep it alive with zero action. To be clear, yelling and b!tching at her and making her promise not to contact Jay again and then doing nothing when you find out she broke NC is pretty much zero action. All it means for her is that she has to cool things with Jay until you chill and get back to your normal self. Then she starts up with him again because it's just so damn much fun.
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post #159 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Strongly disagree ladies. Kicking her out of bed? The silent treatment? Denying sex? Very immature recommendations imo. OP needs to MAN UP.

You either TRUST your spouse or you don't. Trying to "punish her" with passive aggressive behavior will accomplish NOTHING except make OP look like a pouting child.

It's also an attempt to exert control. If you don't trust your spouse anymore and she is a proven LIAR then it's time to cash out. Walk away with your head held high.
But he's not ready to walk away. That is clear. But he wants things to change. So dispensing consequences for her tawdry behavior is a possible solution unless and until he can find the strength to walk away.
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post #160 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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But he's not ready to walk away. That is clear. But he wants things to change. So dispensing consequences for her tawdry behavior is a possible solution unless and until he can find the strength to walk away.
No I am still here because I didn't walk away 23 years ago when it started. I thought maybe you guys had something to try. I really do plan on talking to a lawyer if that is my only option. I thought about counseling again but we did that with the counselor specifically saying jay was toxic and here he still is. So it would just be a repeat cycle. Affaircare has made some great points and I argue with none of them. To me Saturday really summed up 22 years of my life with her- jay, lie, deny and turn back on me with lots of tears.

Everybody is right- talk to a lawyer first and see what he says about my financial situation and develop a plan from that.

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post #161 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I have done that too since Saturday. Her face looks like a watermelon she has been crying so much. But now what?! How does she answer for what her and jay have been up to?????????
You can't make her answer for any of it. She has to want to. If you are seriously thinking of staying with her, what do you need in order to know you are safe and she is not lying to you? These are things you have to think about and decide.

Her crying is no big deal. She should be crying. Don't let her convince the kids that you are overreacting to something or being mean to her either. Let them know that she has been lying to you and hiding another man in her life and you are not going to tolerate it. They need to know the truth. Tell both of your families. Contact the other man's wife and let her know as well. Let her cry her eyes out. She's probably crying because things are not going according to plan. The chances that she actually care about you are pretty slim. Has she been asking how you are doing or making any attempt to resolve this? What has she said she will do to fix this? Has she made any attempt to comfort you?

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Strongly disagree ladies. Kicking her out of bed? The silent treatment? Denying sex? Very immature recommendations imo. OP needs to MAN UP.

You either TRUST your spouse or you don't. Trying to "punish her" with passive aggressive behavior will accomplish NOTHING except make OP look like a pouting child.

It's also an attempt to exert control. If you don't trust your spouse anymore and she is a proven LIAR then it's time to cash out. Walk away with your head held high.
This is not passive- aggressive behavior. It is not punishment. It is self protective behavior. You don't sleep with the enemy. You don't bare your soul to someone who is stabbing you in the back. You don't pout. You find focus, make decisions, and act on them. This is detaching from someone who clearly has betrayed you. It is not about control. It is about recognizing that he cannot control anyone except himself. He is currently living with her and needs to have some separation in order to be able to function and move forward.

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post #162 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

CynthiaDe there has been no talk since Saturday night about this. Minimal talk at all. I let her kiss me this morning- won't happen again. She looks horrible. You are thinking I disclose to the families now? Or wait a little longer?

Are you saying change is still possible or just saying this for my benefit and really divorce should be the topic?

As far as what I think I need to feel safe I have no idea anymore. If I can't come even close to trusting her what do I have? I can only see the same cycle of promise and deceit coming again. It almost needs to be crazy at this point, almost a begging from her and strictest of strict rules with 0 tolerance- I don't think anyone should have to live that way though but I guess it would be her choice

Last edited by bremik; 04-04-2017 at 04:43 PM.
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post #163 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Strongly disagree ladies. Kicking her out of bed? The silent treatment? Denying sex? Very immature recommendations imo. OP needs to MAN UP.

You either TRUST your spouse or you don't. Trying to "punish her" with passive aggressive behavior will accomplish NOTHING except make OP look like a pouting child.

It's also an attempt to exert control. If you don't trust your spouse anymore and she is a proven LIAR then it's time to cash out. Walk away with your head held high.
^^This. It's not the actions themselves. It's the intent.

If you're doing it to force a confession of sorts, it's the wrong strategy. You might get a little something here or there but never the truth, and the underlying problem will not be any closer to being solved. It CANT be solved. She's a hopeless case.

If you're doing it as a step towards permanently extricating her from your life, then you're on the right track.
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post #164 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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CynthiaDe there has been no talk since Saturday night about this. Minimal talk at all. I let her kiss me this morning- won't happen again. She looks horrible. You are thinking I disclose to the families now? Or wait a little longer?

Are you saying change is still possible or just saying this for my benefit and really divorce should be the topic?

As far as what I think I need to feel safe I have no idea anymore. If I can't come even close to trusting her what do I have? I can only see the same cycle of promise and deceit coming again. It almost needs to be crazy at this point, almost a begging from her and strictest of strict rules with 0 tolerance- I don't think anyone should have to live that way though but I guess it would be her choice
No one can make this decision for you. What do you think is the best course of action? You don't have to make up your mind right now. You can let things cool down over a couple of weeks or a couple of months and decide under calmer circumstances. I will say, however, that she is not a trustworthy woman. She would have to have a major heart change in order to be trustworthy. Even then, how would you know?

Yes, it think the family needs to know what is going on.

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post #165 of 516 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:54 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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^^This. It's not the actions themselves. It's the intent.

If you're doing it to force a confession of sorts, it's the wrong strategy. You might get a little something here or there but never the truth, and the underlying problem will not be any closer to being solved. It CANT be solved. She's a hopeless case.

If you're doing it as a step towards permanently extricating her from your life, then you're on the right track.
Right. It's not a matter of trying to control her. It's an effort to make space and be able to decide what comes next without being all tangled up with her. It's for @bremik to extricate himself from the web of her lies and manipulations so he can think.

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