How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so..... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:21 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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It's not the alimony I am worried about it is the loss of income. I work off farm too, she works and we milk and cash is less than tight. Her job is the insurance provider and largest net income so big loss. She should actually live better living off her income only instead of the farm robbing money from it
So did I get this correctly?

You work.
She works and she makes more than you.
You have a business (farm) that is subsidized by your (mostly her) income because it's not profitable.

Why not give up the farm if it just costs money? Why keep a business that's not a business but a costly hobby?
Would you be a candidate for spousal support if she makes more than you?

Somehow sounds like a pattern. You cling on to a failing marriage like you cling on to your economically failing farm. You should have dealt with both of these issue years ago.

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post #47 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Our children are 20 18 and 16. They do help on the farm. Thank you for your comment. The financial side is my number one hurdle
OP, I feel your pain. Take it from me...get out.
I know when you look at the money it's gunna be hard. But happiness cannot be bought.
I'm still looking to get out myself and my income would drop over 3 HG.
Wish you all the luck. If she stops her cheating your marriage is still toast. If she's lying about the texts, she laying down when him.
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post #48 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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So did I get this correctly?

You work.
She works and she makes more than you.
You have a business (farm) that is subsidized by your (mostly her) income because it's not profitable.

Why not give up the farm if it just costs money? Why keep a business that's not a business but a costly hobby?
Would you be a candidate for spousal support if she makes more than you?

Somehow sounds like a pattern. You cling on to a failing marriage like you cling on to your economically failing farm. You should have dealt with both of these issue years ago.
I don't know that I can explain to you the farm side if you don't know how farming is. For various reasons we are where we are at right now and I said NETS the most not makes the most. I don't want to get hung up on farm financial. As far as the pattern I am not going to apologize for not jumping any ship when things get rough. It does appear it may not have worked well for me on my marriage but I would also contend if people in general weren't the throw away society/jump ship at first wave we have become things might be better for all. But I do appreciate your input
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post #49 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I don't know that I can explain to you the farm side if you don't know how farming is. For various reasons we are where we are at right now and I said NETS the most not makes the most.
It doesn't matter if a person knows about farming.

All that a person needs to know is that a) her NET income is higher than yours and b) a large chunk of her net come is being wasted on the farm that needs her net income to subsidize it because it's obviously losing money.

So dump the farm, dump her, you might even be entitled to alimony from her since she makes more than you do.

Get yourself job somewhere and meet a person who you aren't angry with and arguing with all the time and start improving your life.

You really need some internet strangers who hardly know you to tell you something that is as obvious as the milk dripping out of a cow's udder?

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Originally Posted by bremik View Post
As far as the pattern I am not going to apologize for not jumping any ship when things get rough. It does appear it may not have worked well for me on my marriage but I would also contend if people in general weren't the throw away society/jump ship at first wave we have become things might be better for all.
All that stuff about not jumping ship when there's trouble is basically saying that the passengers on the Titanic shouldn't have gotten into the lifeboats, that they just gave up too easily.
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post #50 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

I do not come from a "jump ship" mentality... and if I am with a spouse it is because I want to be there, mostly healthy and enriched in a life together, but there must be truth in the big things although it is up to the couple to determine what boundaries constitute big and little and each is different.

Fidelity is a big thing.

I think that I would tire quickly in a game of circular logic, often the conversations we fear most are the one that are the most critical to have... and free us from our immediate worry. True, another may take it's place, but at least that worry is addressed.

What would you lose by being totally forthcoming, letting her know everything you know?

It would be at this point one could set the ultimate boundary, a very clear and marital deal-breaker if necessary.

If she wants these communications, she want's them more than she wants you.

Many may choose to live like that... what do you choose?

नमस्ते 🙏

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 04-03-2017 at 09:21 AM. Reason: Mindful Spelling...
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post #51 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

I am not trying to be combative if it comes off that way. Just trying to rationalize things in my head. I always read it takes 2 in marriage problems and there have been many discussions on here to the validity of that statement. I think the best I have gathered from these discussions is - nobody agrees.

If the same voice in my head says " jay is still in the picture she can't let him go" also says as she is crying and telling me how angry or mean I am to her "am I doing something wrong to make this worse?" What the heck am I supposed to do? I personally accept the notion that there is at least some ownership/responsibility on my part but I can't see what that is. I feel justified to be angry that all this has happened. I don't feel it's history if she is STILL in contact with jay. It is such a horrible mind game.
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post #52 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I do not come from a "jump ship" mentality... and if I am with a spouse it is because I want to be there, mostly healthy and enriched in a life together, but there must be truth in the big things although it is up to the couple to determine what boundaries constitute big and little and each is different.

Fidelity is a big thing.

I think that I would tire quickly in a game of circular logic, often the conversations we fear most are the one that are the most critical to have... and free us from our immediate worry. True, another may take it's place, but at least that worry is addressed.

What would you lose by being totally forthcoming, letting her know everything you know?

It would be at this point one could set the ultimate boundary, a very clear and marital deal-breaker if necessary.

If she wants these communications, she want's them more than she wants you.

Many may choose to live like that... what do you choose?
What do you mean by being totally forthcoming? I think I have told her everything I know. What I call a lie she doesn't - does great things for my sanity
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post #53 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

So it must be your fault she is still in regular contact with Jay?


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post #54 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

The knowns are important.

*You know he has her new phone number.

*You know it is in her contacts.

*You know it is disguised with another name.

*You know the calls are recent.

Is this so?

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #55 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Originally Posted by stixx View Post
It doesn't matter if a person knows about farming.

All that a person needs to know is that a) her NET income is higher than yours and b) a large chunk of her net come is being wasted on the farm that needs her net income to subsidize it because it's obviously losing money.

So dump the farm, dump her, you might even be entitled to alimony from her since she makes more than you do.

Get yourself job somewhere and meet a person who you aren't angry with and arguing with all the time and start improving your life.

You really need some internet strangers who hardly know you to tell you something that is as obvious as the milk dripping out of a cow's udder?



All that stuff about not jumping ship when there's trouble is basically saying that the passengers on the Titanic shouldn't have gotten into the lifeboats, that they just gave up too easily.
I understand what you are trying to say. As far as internet strangers telling me something obvious- It's not that I don't see it, I just want to make sure I am not crazy because it sure seems crazy. Honestly most things are crystal clear from the outside more than when your in the trench on the inside

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post #56 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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The knowns are important.

*You know he has her new phone number.

*You know it is in her contacts.

*You know it is disguised with another name.

*You know the calls are recent.

Is this so?
Yes and exactly how I presented it to her this morning
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post #57 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:47 AM
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You don't have to get divorced, or even move out to reestablish yourself as the head of the household. It's time to bring in all the kids for a family meeting and inform them of your wife's activities.

If she goes to GNO activities late at night, turn on all the lights at 5 am while you get ready to start your day. Separate your finances and only pay for your own stuff. No sex unless it's only on your terms and for your benefit, protected of course. Inform all exrtended family members and friends of her infidelity.
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post #58 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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So it must be your fault she is still in regular contact with Jay?


Attachment 52521
I don't feel that but.........
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post #59 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Just trying to rationalize things in my head.
Rationalizing is your problem. You rationalize away your wife's cheating. Usually it is only the cheater that does this, but in your case she just lets you do it.

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I always read it takes 2 in marriage problems and there have been many discussions on here to the validity of that statement. I think the best I have gathered from these discussions is - nobody agrees.
People agree if you quoted it correctly, but you are not quoting the full statement. The full statement is that "you are both responsible for issues in your marriage, but a cheater is 100% responsible for their cheating." Few on this site will disagree with this statement.
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post #60 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Yes and exactly how I presented it to her this morning
Why do you think she can deceive herself like this then?

One can't lie to others unless they can lie to themselves first... talk about unmindful juggling.

And the DARVO, while expected, is troubling to this extent if these are presented in the clarity they carry.

"Catch me if you can" has played out... her contact discovered, the game exposed.

She did place him before you... that is the simplicity of such action.

Now what?

You can't save her from herself in such actions... all you can do is choose not to play the game.

How do you think you will do this?

नमस्ते 🙏
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