How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so..... - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I am not laughing at anyone on this site. You don't know me so your statement on being cuckolded and a martyr is ignorant. I am sorry you have your own anger issues
Yes I'm angry and it's YOU who is making me angry.There was a thread running earlier about how men shouldn't marry American women.I think American women know their own minds and value and know what they bring to any relationship,some may call them self entitled but I see it them as confident strong women.
In your case it seems your wife's attitude is if you have an ass ride him.

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post #77 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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It's not the alimony I am worried about it is the loss of income. I work off farm too, she works and we milk and cash is less than tight. Her job is the insurance provider and largest net income so big loss. She should actually live better living off her income only instead of the farm robbing money from it
You may be surprised by what a financial drain it is having a woman in your house. Their day to day spending can be shocking. Keep your spending under control, shed unnecessary expenses and reap the benefits.

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post #78 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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OP,

Join date of 2009. That's now 8 years, most of a decade, you have been here and have known you got a serial cheater on your hands.

All your suffering at this point is your fault, it really is. You won't cut this cancerous person out of your life.

Maybe another 8+ years of suffering will do the trick.


I await your 2024 post.
More than eight years. This has been going on since they were first married in college. This has been throughout the entire marriage. She married him to have a stable, good man while getting some nasty on the side. The OM's wife is probably a lot like you, stable and good while he gets some nasty on the side from your wife. I'm sorry to say this, but it looks like this is what is going on. We already know that sheís probably doing anal with these other men (or at least J) based on her conversation with them. They apparently get their excitement from each other and their stable and steady from their actual spouses. I'm pretty sure their relationship is not based on intellectual interests.

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It's not the alimony I am worried about it is the loss of income. I work off farm too, she works and we milk and cash is less than tight. Her job is the insurance provider and largest net income so big loss. She should actually live better living off her income only instead of the farm robbing money from it
If your farm isnít profitable, basically your wife is supporting you and the farm is a hobby. I think a big part of your issue is that your wife is supporting you so you can do what you like all day long, which happens to be farming. Iím not saying youíre lazy. Not at all. But you are living off your wife so you can enjoy taking care of the farm. If you want to divorce your wife, youíre going to have to give up your hobby and get a career.
The difference between a hobby and a career is that a career will support you financially. This farm isnít supporting you financially. Give it up and find work that will support you. Stop making excuses and grow up. You are acting like a teenager by thinking that you donít need to make money doing what you love, you only have to do what you love. Thatís doesnít always play out in the real world and it obviously hasnít for you.

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I don't know that I can explain to you the farm side if you don't know how farming is. For various reasons we are where we are at right now and I said NETS the most not makes the most. I don't want to get hung up on farm financial. As far as the pattern I am not going to apologize for not jumping any ship when things get rough. It does appear it may not have worked well for me on my marriage but I would also contend if people in general weren't the throw away society/jump ship at first wave we have become things might be better for all. But I do appreciate your input
This is ridiculous. First off, if your farm is not profitable enough for you to support yourself, the responsible thing to do it is to quit farming, unless itís a hobby farm that you do alongside your day job.

Secondly, you are not making a logical point. You are not jumping ship at the first sign of trouble. You have been living a lie since the beginning of your marriage and tolerating your wifeís relationships with other men. These relationships are obviously inappropriate or she wouldnít be hiding them. Furthermore, you gave you wife an ultimatum regarding the other man, but did not follow through, so you have just become a doormat.

You are reframing things. Is it because you are otherwise satisfied with your life, even though your wife is obviously lying to you and hiding significant parts of her life, which most likely include having sex with other men?

Sheís not going to change. Sheís only going to tell you that she has changed and then sheíll switch numbers, get a burner phone, etc. to keep you off the trail all the while she is happily continuing with her hidden relationship(s).

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post #79 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

Seriously, Bremik, you need to think about whether there is something a little bit exciting about playing the victim and gaining the sympathy of a bunch of strangers. Is it a little thrilling to come here and hash over your wife's sexual activities and hear a bunch of guys tell you how unfair it is?

If I'm way off base, then I apologize. But take action then this time. If you come back here a year from now, complaining about the same things, then you're just the boy who cried "wolf" and you're deceptively making us participate in your fantasy.
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post #80 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Why do you think she can deceive herself like this then?

One can't lie to others unless they can lie to themselves first... talk about unmindful juggling.

And the DARVO, while expected, is troubling to this extent if these are presented in the clarity they carry.

"Catch me if you can" has played out... her contact discovered, the game exposed.

She did place him before you... that is the simplicity of such action.

Now what?

You can't save her from herself in such actions... all you can do is choose not to play the game.

How do you think you will do this?

Now that I understand DARVO I can better answer your questions. Jay in my opinion was the start of all this. Whether it be simply because I should have put a stop to it then and yes was too scared or because it is some crazy long term affair that hasn't stopped- I have no idea- probably a combination of both and more factors.

Right now TODAY I had been of the opinion that jay wasn't an issue only because he is 4 states away and basically out of sight and out of mind. Had no illusions that if he were around he would be a problem. So that in itself really means deep down or whatever I really have known nothing has changed. The counseling, crying, talking, bleeding letters etc. haven't fixed the core problem.

The shock is he was still around I just was looking in the wrong places. As I have told my wife and TAM I am well aware of the cognitive effort my wife took in telling me more than once in the last year or two that she hadn't had contact with jay. Also aware of the effort it took to put his different ph number under his farm name instead of his and erase still more proof of their communication on top of going through the effort to make a point of telling me that due to trying to be transparent she wanted me to know she would have to communicate some with him because of her job yet didn't mention she already had been communicating with him all along.

What am I going to do? The only thing I can see is divorce at this point because of how calculated the above was and for me who it was with. I didn't see anything bad in what they texted - that I saw- but it is how it was all handled that concerns me. And most of all once again jay is still around. What is holding me back? Maybe an honest assessment is I stay on sinking ships too long. That being said, I am not of the mind frame right now to deal with ALL of my worlds collapsing at once and am trying to prepare a strategy for that. I will lose my job/career, my wife who has been a part of my life since both of our parents went to school together, some of my best memories of when I stayed with her family BEFORE we even remotely thought about dating as well as whatever crappy fallout there is from being in a backward nosy small town that has caused us grief since we moved here. Maybe 5-10 years from now I will be happy but the hell until then is going to border on being unbearable. I am not a fan of divorce, yes I am scared because I am the one pulling the trigger no matter how justified I am. And NOBODY on here knows enough about me or my situation to honestly assess if somehow I am part of this problem so yes I am scared 5-10 years won't find me any happier. Yes no matter how calculated her crying may be it does work on me with all this in mind
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post #81 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
Seriously, Bremik, you need to think about whether there is something a little bit exciting about playing the victim and gaining the sympathy of a bunch of strangers. Is it a little thrilling to come here and hash over your wife's sexual activities and hear a bunch of guys tell you how unfair it is?

If I'm way off base, then I apologize. But take action then this time. If you come back here a year from now, complaining about the same things, then you're just the boy who cried "wolf" and you're deceptively making us participate in your fantasy.
I will leave it at- you are off base
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post #82 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I am not trying to be combative if it comes off that way. Just trying to rationalize things in my head. I always read it takes 2 in marriage problems and there have been many discussions on here to the validity of that statement. I think the best I have gathered from these discussions is - nobody agrees.
Yes, People disagree on where to assess blame.

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If the same voice in my head says " jay is still in the picture she can't let him go" also says as she is crying and telling me how angry or mean I am to her "am I doing something wrong to make this worse?" What the heck am I supposed to do? I personally accept the notion that there is at least some ownership/responsibility on my part but I can't see what that is. I feel justified to be angry that all this has happened. I don't feel it's history if she is STILL in contact with jay. It is such a horrible mind game.
You are cherry picking discussions because you like this pain. People do not agree on divorce, fault and where to assess blame. A small minority, mainly those who have had NO infidelity in their life, who disagree on blaming the betrayed spouse for the affair partner still being in the picture. I'd argue only trolls and right fighters say you can fix a marriage with the affair partner still involved. Most agree fix your side of the street and get the affair partner out of the picture to work towards divorce or reconciliation.

You just brought up two different points. One may lead to an affair, which people do disagree on, the other is about the outcome and both sides overwhelmingly agree with removal of the affair partner regardless of fault. You need to stop blaming yourself and enforcing boundaries. A single wave can sink a boat.
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post #83 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Yes this process looks very familiar after many conversations my wife and I have had. Hopefully it is easy to see how I can doubt myself if my wife has become good at such tactics
Are you or your children in real physical or emotional danger if your WS is out of the picture?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #84 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Are you or your children in real physical or emotional danger if your WS is out of the picture?
I don't think so. But I am concerned how I am going to deal with things crashing down around me. We already dealt with major farm issues a few years ago. Things were supposed to get better - they haven't
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post #85 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

I can't understand why if the farm is operating at a loss you don't just shut it down.

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post #86 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I can't understand why if the farm is operating at a loss you don't just shut it down.
Farming is very cyclical in income. Feast and famine. That's normal what alters your ability to deal with that is whether you inherited what you have or were first generation. We started 100% on borrowed money as first generation. It takes time. In 2 years a lot of our major payments will be up and the money gets more available to us. In addition, we are trying to venture into on farm processing and farm markets to sustain us- it takes time. You can't lay off your cows when prices are down
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post #87 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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Her job is the insurance provider and largest net income so big loss. She should actually live better living off her income only instead of the farm robbing money from it
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I don't know that I can explain to you the farm side if you don't know how farming is. For various reasons we are where we are at right now and I said NETS the most not makes the most. I don't want to get hung up on farm financial.
You may understand farming, but you saying "NETS the most not makes the most" shows that you do not understand business. If you spend more to run a business than you
you earn from that business, then the business "makes" nothing, and in fact loses money. Currently you have your wife, children, and you, working in a business that loses money, such that what your wife makes is used to not only pay 100% of your living expenses, but is also used to cover the loses of your the farm business. If you got out of the farm business, got a job that actually pays you, not only would part of what your wife earns no longer be used to cover the farm's loses, but you would be able to provide for your own living expenses as well as be able to help your wife in providing for your family, thus giving them a better quality of life. The fact that your wife and children would no longer be wasting their time and energy doing farm work that nets the family nothing, is just an added bonus in improving the entire family's quality of life. The problem with you is, that like with your wife's cheating, you do not take meaningful action when it comes to earning a living. You either learn to run the farm at a real profit that fairly compensates everyone for the assets and labor put into the business, or you sell the farm and find a job that really lets you earn a living. Your wife may be a cheater, but I would not blame your wife if she has lost respect for you for not doing what you need to do in order to best provide for yourself and family. I hate to be so tough on you, but you need to wake up and realize that the status quo is not working, and start do something about it.

With this in mind, get a job, sell the farm, and then confront your wife from a position of strength. Only then will she respect you enough to start to take you seriously. You are a good person. You can make life better for you and your family if that is your focus. Be well.

Last edited by TRy; 04-03-2017 at 03:45 PM.
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post #88 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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I am curious on your take on my situation? I was going to PM you but you don't do that. Please feel free to weigh in
Okay thanks for mentioning my name so I got the message! I am going to look at your past posts to get a full picture, okay?

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post #89 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

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You may understand farming, but you saying "NETS the most not makes the most" shows that you do not understand business. If you spend more to run a business than you
you earn from that business, then the business "makes" nothing, and in fact loses money. Currently you have your wife, children, and you, working in a business that loses money, such that what your wife makes is used to not only pay 100% of your living expenses, but is also used to cover the loses of your the farm business. If you got out of the farm business, got a job that actually pays you, not only would part of what your wife earns no longer be used to cover the farm's loses, but you would be able to provide for your own living expenses as well as be able to help your wife in providing for your family, thus giving them a better quality of life. The fact that your wife and children would no longer be wasting their time and energy doing farm work that nets the family nothing, is just an added bonus in improving the entire family's quality of life. The problem with you is, that like with your wife's cheating, you do not take meaningful action when it comes to earning a living. You either learn to run the farm at a real profit that fairly compensates everyone for the assets and labor put into the business, or you sell the farm and find a job that really lets you earn a living. Your wife may be a cheater, but I would not blame your wife if she has lost respect for you for not doing what you need to do in order to best provide for yourself and family. I hate to be so tough on you, but you need to wake up and realize that the status quo is not working, and start do something about it.

With this in mind, get a job, sell the farm, and then confront your wife from a position of strength. Only then will she respect you enough to start to take you seriously. You are a good person. You can make life better for you and your family if that is your focus. Be well.
I appreciate that and your perspective. I respectfully say that farming always has been a very low margin business. The bank was happy that we netted 10% of our gross income for personal use.There are reasons very few people actually farm and those that do, farm well into their 70's before semi-retiring and then live off of assets for retirement.

In addition, my problems with my wife go back to when I worked for others and had a steady income. I have considered the stresses of farming as a cause and they at least don't help but jay was around before this.
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post #90 of 504 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

The family farm business is one tough business. It goes from year to year, feast to famine. All the things you say about it, including needing the entire family to contribute, are true. It's a business that is negatively susceptible to many outside variables like bugs, disease, weather, demand, prices and now your wife. She doesn't seem to understand that keeping Jay around (divorce) is going to contribute to her family's business failing. Does she?

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